celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as a dating site?

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The social media is currently working on a new button which will be available on our smartphone, called “discover people”. It will allow you to find new “friends” based on your common “likes” and interests, a bit like Tinder, the dating app. This new button is already available, but I don’t have access to it yet.

I don’t know if Facebook can be helpful for finding love. I read several stories on the New York Times in their section “wedding” where the spouses met thanks to Facebook, and the section “people you may know, because they were related in the past.

On Tinder, I haven’t found many men who share a lot of common “likes” and interests with me. I swiped right one man who had 15 common “likes” with me (and two common friends). But he never swiped me right. He was the man who had the more common “likes” with me. I’ve never encountered any other man like that ever since.

The only man who swiped me right with a lot of common “likes” (and two common friends) was disappointed when we started dating each other. We discovered many other common points when we were together, but it wasn’t enough. I found the guy on the defensive all of the time, and I felt weak and powerless because of that. One of my friends told me we have the same common point with defensiveness.

His pictures were very revealing about his behaviour, but I didn’t want to consider those. He had his arms closed on the two pictures he put on Tinder. It’s also the case for his Facebook profile picture.

It’s like there’s a catch when we search for a partner with common interests. On Tinder, what would you do if you found a man with many common “likes” with you, but has a profile picture where he’s close to another woman? (little advice for men who read this: never put a picture on Tinder where there’s another woman on it).

On Facebook, it can be even more difficult. It can be odd if a person you don’t know comes out of the blue and asks you to accompany him/her to an event you are both interested on Facebook.

Tinder works best with people aged from 18 to 24. Because at this age, they don’t care for their reputation. When we go older, it becomes more difficult. A friend of mine told me he would never used Tinder because people would recognise him easily.We are also more  defensive because of our past experiences.

I guess this new option on Facebook will also work best with young people.

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celibacy, life, love, men, reflexion, thoughts, women

If there is a will, there is a way

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A long time ago, one reader of this blog wrote me an email ending with this sentence: “A sailor without any destination cannot hope for a favorable wind”. In other words, if we don’t know what we want, we can’t expect to have a positive result.

A will is sometimes not enough, because we can fail at our goal. It’s true for everything we try to accomplish, from our personal goals in life to every challenge we take in our professional life.

But even with failure, we can learn precious lessons from our experience. And eventually succeed. It took me four attempts to win my award in journalism some years ago. I could have dropped the first time I failed, but I didn’t. A friend of mine encouraged me to pursue my attempts. I remember the way I won that award. Before, I didn’t ask people to read my article and to criticise  it before publishing it and sending it to the jury.  The last time, I asked two journalists who were very very difficult to please to read my article, and they advised me to make some small changes in my article before it was published. It was a good advice.

When it comes to love, sometimes, the first attempt is not the right one. One of my friends took years to eventually get back with her ex. They have recently bought a house together and I don’t know why but I hear wedding bells for these two. She met him through mutual friends almost twelve years ago. They started dating shortly after, but he broke up with her after 6 months because he told her he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Yet, they didn’t stop contacting each other. Both dated other people, with not much success, until my friend suddenly had to find another apartment because her two roommates decided to move out of their common apartment as both of them were about to get married. At the time, she had the choice of sharing an apartment with me, or moving in with her ex who had a spare room at his place. She chose that option. She told me she had always wanted to get back with him. It didn’t mean she got back with him right away after she moved in with him. In fact, he kept her at distance at the beginning. But my friend had to be hospitalised  because of her endometriosis. He stood at her side during her hospitalisation. Shortly after, her father passed away. During the funerals, her ex stood at her side all of the time. She winked and smiled at me when I looked at them. That’s how I understood they were back together.

To love someone is to learn how to love him/her, says the philosopher Alain de Botton. It’s not obvious, not at all. But I guess it’s easier when we know what we want.

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celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

The sapiosexual

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A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The shared values

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Last year, one of my failed relationships taught me an important thing about my personal values. Your personal values are key to find the right person for you. It is wise to use those as a guideline for your potential dates.

If you place money on top of your values, chances are you will look for a partner who cherish money too. Of course, if you’re very wealthy, you will be suspicious if your partner is after your money instead of pursuing his/her conquest of money.

If you’re into parties, networkings, in other words, a socialite, it’s best if you find another socialite like you.

If you’re into books, news, debates, …, it’s best if you find someone who likes to read books,…

 In the last case, congrats, you’re sapiosexual if you look for a smart partner.

Tinder can be useful to find your perfect match according to your values. Just look at the common interests you have with that person. Sometimes, there are no common likes. But if there is a description on the profile, it’s worth paying attention to those words. Questions are also helpful.

But Tinder has its limit. A real conversation face to face helps you to evaluate your potential partner. And then, there’s Facebook too. Scroll carefully his/her Facebook profile, it’s very useful.

My mistake was to ignore details on his wall on Facebook like a post about how to seduce women (with alcohol).  I also realized we didn’t have that much in common, despite five common interests on Tinder. He probably liked the same things than me a long time ago. But it’s not relevant anymore.

I also realized how important it is for me to know if my significant other has a passion for books like me. At my place, there are books everywhere. When he came here, he just mocked the books I was reading, among which there was “Economie du bien commun”.

So, yes, our values are important. And we should never trade them for love.

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celibacy, life, love, reflexion, thoughts, women

Holidays Greetings

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On the 1st of January, I received a short message on WhatsApp from my ex, with a text as original as the one in the picture above. It’s been weeks since we spoke to each other. I’ve stopped contacting him after seeing no reply from him to several of my messages. So, I didn’t expect a message from him at all.

His message was short, wishing me a happy new year. He didn’t mention my name. He may have sent this message to several people in his contact list. It looks like it. I just replied to his message with the same kind of words. I thought he sent this by accident. After all, why would he do that, after weeks of silence?

We’re not friends. Another ex of mine sent me a message wishing me a happy new year. But we’re friends and he doesn’t let me down when I call him or when I leave him a message. Over the years, we’ve managed to build a solid friendship. So I was just happy to receive his best wishes, and I happily replied to him.

Over the years, we both went through up and downs in our life, and he’s always at my side during those periods, while I’m always here for him. But our friendship didn’t come easily. We went through periods where we wouldn’t contact each other.

Why are the greetings so difficult to accept from certain people?

Well, during the winter holidays, some feelings come back. Every year, a friend of mine goes a little bit neurotic because she told me it’s always a drama when she goes visiting her family. This year, my boss shouted she hated the holidays because she hit a difficult patch with her sister.

And this is for those who still have a family. Some people don’t have a family to celebrate Christmas.

But those dinners with the family can turn sour, between your uncle who asks you why you’re still single, when it’s not your mother or father who asks you that question, and between your in-laws who give you plenty of advices for your life you don’t ask for. For those who have a big family, those dinners can be spread on two, three, four, five days in a row.

Yet, this is just for the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve.  Most of us spend the New Year’s Eve with our significant other, our children, and/or friends, and the evening is less difficult.

Despite that, some messages are not very welcomed.

The message we don’t welcome very well come from people who disappoint us. The disappointment can come because those people were silent in our life for months even years. “I received a Happy New Year from my father, who left our family four years ago and didn’t  contact us since then. So it was a shock. But I didn’t want to reply to him” says one of my friends.

I have a friend who didn’t show to my wedding and gave me no excuse for this. He wishes me every year a happy New Year, and a Happy Birthday, but he never asks to see me for a drink or a dinner, or a visit to my home. He doesn’t ask how I am, and how my family is doing. Those messages are really annoying to me because I know I can’t expect anything more from him”  another friend of mine said.

What do you do with those messages? Do you reply a neutral message? Do you ignore the message? Do you call the friend/ family who let you down to say how you feel?

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The Year Review


 

So, this year is almost at its end. Like all the years before, it’s my review of the year. Feel free to use the same questions.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before? 

A filmed interview, where I was one of the interviewers, in London.

Versailles.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  

Yes. Not more in 2017, but different resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Yes.

5. What countries did you visit?  Spain, The Netherlands, France, Italy, Great Britain, Hungary, Austria

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? Peace

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

March 22: Horrible day for my country. Heartbreaking.

November 29: Placebo

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8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Gaining maturity

9. What was your biggest failure? It’s not failure, but rejections hurt.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Clothes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Jennifer Aniston, and all the other Hollywood actresses who stood against misogyny.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? extremists of all kinds.

14. Where did most of your money go? travels.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Concerts!

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?

Dang – MacMiller & Anderson Paak
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier. Neither thinner nor fatter. Poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Being more able to defend myself against critics.

Accepting more invitations.

Traveling more.

Seeing more exhibitions.

Going to lectures and the opera.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Spending time to wait for people who don’t give a damn about me.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2016?

Yes.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No

24. What was the best book you read?  

Presence- Amy Cuddy

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?  Ibrahim Maalouf

26. What did you want and get?  Recognition for my work

27. What did you want and not get? A relationship.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?  

Paterson – Jim Jarmusch

 

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I had a car accident. No one was hurt, thankfully.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?   Luck in love

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

Pop the colours…

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

Gaspard Koening

34. What political issue stirred you the most?  The US elections.

35. Who did you miss? T., but I’ll move on.

36. Who was the best new person you met? S.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016. You can’t force people to love you.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Didn’t we have fun?
Don’t say it was all a waste

😉

Happy Holidays

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Waiting for something more on Tinder

Recently, I bumped into my former chief on Tinder. I didn’t believe it was him when I saw his picture, but then, I realized it was him.

It’s not the first time I’ve bumped into someone I know from my professional circle. But my former chief is married and has two children. When I told this to one of my coworkers who knows him personally, she was shocked to hear this. But she admitted she  has  already heard rumors about him some weeks ago. “Promise me if you see my husband on Tinder to tell me about it” she added. “If I bust him on Tinder, he can pack his bags. I will leave him immediately” she said.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve seen some of my acquaintances’ husband on Tinder. I bumped into one of my classmates’ husband some weeks ago. I don’t have regular contact with her anymore, so I didn’t warn her. But it’s very disappointing to see her husband and her are constantly writing messages on each other’s wall on Facebook, saying how they love each other. It may signal they are not very happy with each other, at least if we believe this study .

One of my friends also asked me to tell her everything if I see her significant other on Tinder. So far, it hasn’t been the case. Thankfully for her.

I don’t understand why F. is on Tinder” said my coworker. “I don’t believe it’s for pure curiosity. What happens if he matches with another woman?” she added. He may have swiped right all women on Tinder, as men as way less picky than women on Tinder.

The married men I met on Tinder told me they were looking for a sex friend or a mistress. Unfortunately, very few men are honest and indicate their marital status in their Tinder profile. But most of the married men I swiped right immediately told me they were married. One was lying, but he added in his profile links to a youtube list where there was a video of him dancing with his wife, and saying how wonderful she was. The video was very recent.

Some women are ok with that. It’s not my case.

People can lie on internet (and on Tinder). But when you meet people in real life, it’s easy to spot the liar. If he’s married,  there are chances he won’t be very available for a date, and find a time when it’s easier for him to hide from his wife without alarming her. If he doesn’t invite you at his place, it’s also a sign he’s not very available. If he invites you to places he’s sure he won’t meet some of his friends or his wife’s friends, it’s also a big warning sign. Unless you find a pathologic liar, master in his art of lying, there will always be some hints he’s not really honest with you.

Besides, if deep inside of you, your guts tell you there’s something wrong, listen to your inner feeling. When you meet someone who is right for you, you won’t feel those negative feelings.

Of course, if you’re just looking for a hookup, a sex friend, or someone who’s not really available, don’t follow this advice.

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