celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Opting out

In the #metoo area, are women all equal with men? Not that much. Women still earn less than men. One explanation is a trend to work part time. When you work less, you earn less. Many of my female friends choose to sacrifice their professional time to care for their young children. As they earn less than their husband, they accept to sacrifice a bit of their professional time. Their husband, on other hand, receive promotions, bonus, … In other words, they climb the social ladder, while my friends can’t expect that much with their sacrifice.

Another explanation is the wrong advice to do what you love. Most of the time, the things you love to do are barely financial profitable. I don’t earn anything from my blog, even if I love to write on it. Unfortunately, on social networks, like Facebook, I see many of my friends, mostly women, posting philosophical sentences like that on their wall. As if that goal was the golden rule. Failures are at high risk if you want to do what you love.

But there are also women who choose to opt out. Recently, I went to a conference where two startups CEO chatted about their wife. One of them said his wife is also an entrepreneur and have her own company. The other one said his wife choose to opt out because of their five children. “It was impossible for us if both of us were working to care for the children. When my wife was pregnant with our fifth child, we decided it was best for us if she stopped working” he said. The other CEO looked at him horrified. He said they don’t plan to have any child yet, because his wife and him were still too young. He added he didn’t want his wife to sacrifice her career.

I’m not really worried for the wife with five children, as she comes from a wealthy family. She didn’t have to work anyway. But for women who are not that wealthy, the choice to opt out is a terrible decision for their career and financial situation.

Unfortunately, their marriage can end with a divorce. And they can be financial fragile after a divorce. Their children will also grow up and leave the house. When you spend your time away from any social activity because of your kid, it can be difficult to end up alone when your kid leave the house.

Beside, when you have a daughter, what kind of model you want to teach her? To be financial independent? Or to marry a rich guy?  I can’t imagine a situation where you say to your daughter you want her to be financial independent while you are just married to a wealthy guy?

In our modern society, it’s also riskier to expect to stay in a long term relationship. We break easily. Is it because we are disillusioned and fall for anything glittering?

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Status

A while ago, I went to a date where the guy asked me if I was a chief in my company. I was shocked by his question because I thought he will reject me if I answered a negative sentence. But I told him the truth. And he never contacted me after our date. During our date, he also told me he collects art, and attends every art fair in my country. He mentioned one I often attend but never buy anything there because it’s too expensive for me. But he said he buys there one or two paintings every year.

I guess he was looking for a rich woman who leads a company. I’m not like that.

So, men have a precise idea of the woman who will share their existence. It depends on their values. On Tinder, I saw one guy who said in his profile he doesn’t want tattooed women. And who are not the queen of parties.

One of my friends always complains to me women are not attracted to him because he’s just a computer programmer. He says women are attracted by MD or architects. In fact, I only met once a woman who was looking for a MD. Most of my female friends are married either to their high school sweetheart or to someone they met regularly at the gym, at work, or during their hobbies. None of their husband is a MD nor an architect. In fact, architects marry architects and MD marry MD. Most of the time. Birds of a feather always fly together.

But my friend is also very picky with women he met.

I think we all look for someone who is compatible with us. That means someone who shares some common points and values with us. It could be the love of bicycles, bikes, money, loyalty, kindness, cinema, dance, …

Unfortunately, there are also people who are not with the best intentions. Narcissistic people will look for a victim. Greedy and shallow people will look for rich people to have a golden existence, even if they’re not rich. There are crooks in love.

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Hard to love

“I’d rather be hard to love than easy to leave”

Some people are not easy to love. Sometimes, it’s because they are afraid to be disappointed or betrayed, so they keep a distance with every person who tries to have a relationship with them. They were betrayed in the past from an ex lover. And their heart is just locked. Chat échaudé craint l’eau chaude, we says in French. Sometimes it’s because they’re emotionally unavailable. People who are emotionally unavailable are either married, in another relationship, a star, or narcissistic, depressed, or have a child trauma. But even if they are emotionally unavailable, they still want to be loved.

When we try to have a relationship with someone who is hard to love, we can feel a lot of frustrations, because our significant other can be distant with us. They can be afraid of our attempts to be closer with them, either physically or emotionally. You tell them you love them, and they don’t answer or just disappear. You touch them and they back off.

Some people are fine like that. Because they are also avoidant. But if you are anxious, it can be difficult to bear. Unfortunately, people with anxious attachment are often attracted to people with avoidant attachment. It’s a toxic relationship because the anxious one will pursue the avoidant with the fear of losing them. While the avoidant will only pull away.

So, how could we love someone with avoidant attachment? Space is the sole answer. Live your own independent life. But you risk to take your heart and walk away.

Common sense would be to stay away from people who are emotionally unstable. Especially if you need to feel loved. But the heart sometimes wants something impossible.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A kiss on the first date

Is it ok to kiss on the first date? It depends. I’ve been to many dates where I was not sure at all about the man I had in front of me. I’ve only kissed one of my dates on the first date because I found him so sexy with his blue shirt and I felt secured with him. After all, we all look for someone attractive.

Most of the time, I’ve waited at least until the third date to kiss, to evaluate our interactions and our compatibility.  I also believe that men who can wait and still date me until the third date are interested in me. One of my friends told me she considers rude when a man pushes to interact physically on the first date. “It could mean he’s just interested in having sex with you” she says.

Unfortunately, there are no rules when it comes to kiss on the first date. One of my friends told me he kissed his date on the first date, and so far, they are still going strong, after two years.

I guess the best way to decide if you want to kiss on the first date is to listen to your gut. If you don’t feel any spark after the first date, where we are supposed to be at our best, maybe it’s the sign it’s not going well. But if you feel a spark, and want to wait to kiss your date, it’s ok.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as an love counseller?

 

Would you listen to Facebook if the social media advises you to date a person its algorithms calculated your compatibility?

As the social media wants to be part of the world of dating site and apps, it’s possible that this outcome will happen sooner or later. But are we ready to delegate our decisions to an algorithm? Especially with love?

I believe we still have the last words in this situation. Because it’s not because an algorithm calculated the compatibility between two people it would lead to a wedding. We still have the choice to date that person, and feel attracted or not to him/her. Besides, the algorithm would probably used the data you left on Facebook, like your photos, the things you have liked on people’s profile, your messages and your posts. Is it enough to get a real view on our personality?

 That would be terrifying, honestly. Especially since the social media have been accused to influence people’s vote thanks to an analysis of their data.

Besides, is there a right person for us? The philosopher Alain de Botton says we will marry the wrong person, and it’s a good thing. Simply because we’re not perfect, and each of us have a history that has shaped who we are.

And we don’t like when there’s no choice. For example, recently, there was a free ice cream offered to everyone in my building, but there was only just one flavour: chocolate. Many people didn’t want the ice cream. I didn’t want it either. We have a sneaky way to rebel against thing.

And finally, it takes two to tango. Even if we are compatible, there’s a chance one of the “future” partners isn’t that interested or is emotionally unavailable.

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broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

The high risks with a separated man

catinabox

Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.

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