life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Different needs?

Getting your ex back

Recently, a scandal broke in France about some male journalists who created a Facebook group to mock bloggers, artists, journalists,… Especially female ones. Immediately, some articles about how some male journalists created a group on Slack called the Darrons or #radioBièreFoot. Those groups were just awful with female, especially young ones, journalists.

But it just says collaboration between male and female coworkers is still difficult nowadays. Before World War II, women were not a force in companies. They were most of the time housewives, who depended on their husband. My grandmothers were housewives. They raised my uncles, aunts, mother and father while taking care of the house. But no one of my aunts or mother is a housewife. They were or are still working for a hospital, a bank, a school. No one complained how difficult it was to work, but my mother, for example, was working with other women in her team. Even her boss was female. The same goes for my aunts.

It’s not my case. Even if during my college years, there were more women than men studying with me, in my professional career, I’m still a minority. As my profession is mostly a male one.

When I started to work, there was a scandal in my company about a guy who used to go to Thailand and Morocco and proposed BDSM, golden shower, and other joys, to women while promising them to marry them. Of course, he never married, but he collected pictures of his trophies, and shared it with his coworkers. It ended because one of the brothers of one of his victims recognized him and sued him. My coworker was fired because of that. But his male coworkers were not shocked by his attitude. They just found it funny.  Female employees in my company were just “stupid”, “desperate”, … Not very respected. Fortunately, some of those who were disrespectful either left or were let go and were replaced either by women or men who are respectful to everybody. There were just left two guys who flirted openly with the young female coworkers. During our office parties, one of them screamed he wanted to fuck X or Y, much to our dismay, and to the stupefaction of X or Y. Luckily, after many complaints to our HR, he was let go. The other one left us because he wanted to pursue other goals.

There are still tensions between opposite sex. Because we pursue different goals.  Women in general want equality, while men want to conquer. It ‘s difficult because of this.

 

 

 

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The man who doesn’t want to touch you

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Some men don’t like to be hugged or to hug you. They don’t like to kiss you passionately. Sex is a bit disgusting to them. Don’t count on them to give you pleasure by stroking gently your clitoris or licking parts of your body.

These men are often depressed. They don’t find any energy anymore and their libido is very low because of that. “One of my ex’s didn’t want to touch me when we started to date. I didn’t understand him because he was so charming during our first dates, but he didn’t want to have sex with me. At first, I found it very comfortable because I wanted to know him better and to be sure he was into me before any sexual encounter with him. But after four months, I thought we waited too long. When I tried to have sex with him, he turned cold. He told me to wait more. But three months later, nothing changed. And my patience ran out” one of my friends told me. “Later, he told me he was depressed. I should have noticed, since we didn’t leave his apartment that much, and I was cooking for him all of the time” she said.

Some men are just not attracted physically to you. They date you because it’s reassuring to them, as they may not accept their homosexuality. “My ex was ashamed of his homosexuality. He didn’t want to accept that and dated many women but he didn’t touch them, as I experienced. He would hug me, kiss me on the cheek most of the time, but he couldn’t have sex with me. Eventually, he came out” one of my friends told me.

Some men do have sex with you, and turn suddenly cold. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to punish you. “I had an ex who would withhold sex whenever he was mad against me. He could wait for months before having sex with me” one of my friends said. Sometimes, the reason is just because of an illness. Sometimes the reason is infidelity. Sometimes the reason is because you don’t seem to enjoy sex.

It’s hurtful because you can feel not attractive. In any case, it’s best to have a conversation cool and calm about this before ending the relationship.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

How you feel is the most important

We all look for advice in our love life, because love isn’t taught in school. There’s no guide to it. Only trials and errors.

Wisdom would advise us to stay away from relationships where we don’t feel well. With my ex-boyfriend, I felt diminished and not beautiful, because he never gave me any compliments, and criticized my choices all of the time. He criticized the book I’m currently writing, saying its pitch was too “simplistic”. I saw him liking female pictures on Facebook while he never liked any of mine. He never had a kind gesture toward me, like holding my hand in public, or a gentle stroke. He even told me I had a strange posture and that I should go and see a doctor. The list is long.

I don’t think this will change over time. I think my negative feelings when  I was with him will never change positively. I told him I felt on the defensive all of the time with him because he criticizes me a lot, and is judgmental. But he replied I should have asked his friends because he’s not judgmental at all. If it was the case, why his friend waited a long time before telling him she was a lesbian, while all his other friends were already given the news?

There’s no perfect relationships, because we are not perfect. There are no obstacles to having different personalities in a relationship. The key is the feelings you have for each other. If something tells you inside that you should leave, if you don’t feel beautiful when you’re are with someone, if you feel diminished, not appreciated for what you are, it’s the sole indicator you should pay attention to.

This is especially true after  you had sex with your partner. If you feel like shit afterwards, this isn’t the sign the relationship is healthy.

Only you will know how you feel. Listen to that inner voice.

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Who travels with his parents?

“Who travels with his parents? I don’t know anyone around me who does that” said one of my ex’s. He said that because I told him I would travel with all of my family in Europe this summer. I replied I know a lot of people who do travel with their parents and family. I hated that judgment in his voice when he said that.

Yes, there are people who don’t travel with their family because they don’t get along with their parents or the rest of the family. But I met a lot people who do travel with their mom, sister, brother, … even if they are older. I’m one of them. I do enjoy the time we spend abroad.

My family is scattered around the world. Since I was young, we used to plan travels altogether whenever our finance make it possible, to be together. Some things have changed over the years because we got older. When my cousins and I got over 16, we used to have a separate plan from our parents when we were abroad. I’ve been to bowling, concerts, bars, restaurants,… with my cousins while our parents went on their own.But now, we spend some time with our parents. Maybe it’s because we don’t live with our parents anymore.

Some of my friends also have a family living around the world. Last year, one of my friends went to Indonesia where all her cousins and relatives, including her mother, were on vacation. They spent three weeks there. My friend didn’t travel with her significant other this time. But next year, he will go with her in the Philippines where her family will host their next gathering. Mine is already scheduled too in the Philippines in 2018 😉

I don’t do all my travels with my family. I’m not a child anymore.  I do travel alone from time to time, or with a friend of mine when he’s available. Those travels with my family are special moments to me.

I was a bit shocked when my ex said that sentence. I would have reacted differently if he just asked why I was traveling with my family. I should have known he’s narrow-minded. He told me earlier that he was the last to know among his friends about his friend’s preference for women, after years of mocking her for having no boyfriend.  He told me he didn’t react well when she revealed to him she was a lesbian. Every of my friends told me early on when we didn’t know each other well their sexual preferences. I noticed earlier they were into men or women. It wasn’t a surprise to me.

He’s just an asshole.

Disrespecting your significant other’s family by saying  you spend too much time with them or contacting them too much is just mean. It’s a sign of a toxic relationship.

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Does your career depends on your spouse?

The_War_of_the_Roses_30395_Medium

A year ago, Harvard Business Review  published the results of a study  of more than 4,000 people by Brittany C. Solomon and Joshua J. Jackson of Washington University, about how the spouse’s personality can influence someone’s success.

Of course, this study only focused on married people. There are many examples of single people who found success before meeting their significant other, the most obvious one is J.K. Rowling.

The study mentioned that for both men and women, a conscientious spouse has a positive impact on income, promotions, job satisfaction,…A conscientious spouse will bring you serenity, confidence and a satisfying home life. So you don’t have to worry about everything in your private life.

That makes sense, because if you do all the household chores by yourself, or if you worry a lot because your spouse is impredicable, you may feel distracted at work. As a result, you don’t pay attention to the opportunities your company can offer.  There’s another factor playing in this distraction. If you feel diminished or powerless because of your spouse, you will sell yourself short everywhere else.This doesn’t help you to feel confident enough to take a promotion at work, for example.

A friend of mine told me recently her ex was really a burden in his life. “She called me at least 5 times a day to remind me of doing this or that or because she needed help for something, ranging from the least important thing to do to more serious ones” he said. “Needless to say, I was often distracted at work. And I saw an important promotion passing by me because my chief thought I was a bit of an absentee” he said.

I had a burnout during my previous job. Yes, the job was very demanding and I had to work a lot, but I wasn’t help at all by my ex, who didn’t bring me a peaceful relationship because he was always criticizing me for various reasons. He would even shout at me in front of our children because he wasn’t satisfied with the meals I cooked. Nothing I did was good enough for him” another friend of mine said.

If you keep on fighting with your significant other, you may feel like shit afterwards. That doesn’t help you to have peace of mind and to do your job properly.

Besides, your spouse can feel jealous of your success, and may put some hurdles in your wheel, even if it’s not done on purpose.

But a nasty divorce can also eat all your energy. Paul Tudor Jones, a hedge funds manager, caused a stir in 2013 when he said he redeems every of his managers who goes through a divorce. The distraction coming from that difficult period is overwhelming, he says, especially when there are children involved.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Leaving isn’t easy

It takes courage to leave a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. Yet, for some reasons, some people don’t find the courage or the strength to call it quits with their partner. Men are usually more coward than women when it comes to end a long term relationship. And generally, they will find the easy way out, by cheating on their partner, in the hope, admitted or not, that their partner will find out about the other woman, and decide to break up.

A friend of mine left obvious evidences of his infidelity to his ex-wife. He left the bills of the holidays he took with his mistress at home. His ex-wife found the bills, and asked for a divorce.  He told me he wanted to leave his marriage. But he never told his ex-wife about his intentions. Even if he didn’t touch her anymore before his ex-wife discovered his affair, he still lived with her. She was the one who asked him to leave the house.

But there are couples who are over with each other, but don’t leave the relationship. We can find them in weddings, dinners,… They are the ones who are not with each  other anymore, but who are still invited as a couple, as people don’t know what are their actual relationship status. They still invite people at their house, where they receive their guests together.

This happens because none of the partners accept the separation. Or because one of the partners feels guilty of leaving the other one, because he/she’s sick, vulnerable, moneyless,… Some also fear to leave the comfort (financially speaking) of their relationship. It’s not easy to ask for a divorce if you live on your spouse’s financial means.

Nostalgia also plays an important part of the difficulty to leave your partner. My cousin had a hard time to leave her ex-husband who got into drugs and alcohol after he was recovering from a broken ankle. Because he was put away of his job, he began to drink and test drugs. But before, he was just a great husband with my cousin, offering her a lavish life. She had very good times with him, until he changed because of his nasty habits. After many ultimatums, my cousin had not choice but to leave, as she feared for her safety. But she told me it was heartbreaking for her, because she hoped he would get back to his old self.

Some people also fear to leave because their partner is violent and threatens to kill them if they leave. In France, there was recent case where a woman was granted liberty after killing her abusive husband. The court accepted her version as an act of defense. Unfortunately, when you have an abusive partner partner, the best option is to disappear from their life. But it’s not easy. Fortunately, in my country, there are some associations helping women who have been abused.

In any case, if you feel unhappy, or if your fear for your safety, leaving is necessary. Just listen to your guts. It’s the best guide.

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Toxic relationships

What is a toxic relationship? I don’t have a good definition, but I think if you don’t feel happy, or you do feel diminished, powerless, cheated,… In other words, if you have negative feelings when you’re near the person who is close to you, it may be the sign the relationship is toxic.

Around me, some people told me they are not happy with their significant other. Yet, they are still with him/her. One of my coworkers often complains about her girlfriend, who is bipolar. “I have the feeling to be the one in charge of our relationship, but she’s difficult and don’t want to participate in the activities I offer her. Sometimes, I feel alone, even if she’s next to me” she said.  One of my friends often complained about his unhappiness with his significant other. He said she was hysterical,  aggressive, mean with his daughter, and unpredictable.  He feared her. But even when they weren’t together, he said she intimated him. Eventually, he left her six months ago.

Of course, there are periods where you can feel unhappy because of your significant other. But if these periods begin to be permanent, it may be the warning sign the relationship is toxic.

My friend who left his relationship six months ago avoided her as much as he could by spending a lot of times at work or with his friends. As a result, she got angrier with him, to the point he collapsed after a petty fight with her. But he said he knew from the start the relationship would fail. Yet, he jumped into it. I can’t blame him. I did start relationships knowing it wouldn’t work. I thought love would be enough. What a mistake.

Another sign of a toxic relationship is codependency. if you feel you make a lot of sacrifices for your partner’s happiness, but not getting much in return, it’s the sign of a codependent relationship. The feeling you have the most in such a relationship is anxiety. Some people try to numb this feeling by drinking or taking drugs. “When I met her, she had a bulimia problem, inherited from a conflictual  relationship she had with her parents. I thought I could save her” said one of my friends. But as he constantly tried to support her, he grew tired of the relationship, and resentful.

My coworker who complains a lot about her girlfriend will eventually grow tired of her relationship too. She supports her, financially and mentally speaking. As a result, she’s often broke when we go out to a restaurant with our other coworkers. Once, she told us why she was broke all of the time, because her girlfriend is currently unemployed, and she pays for all their expenses. My coworker is sometimes depressed by this. Lately, she’s been caught crying in the bathroom by some of us. I told her she looked unhappy, but she replied she loves her.

When do we need to leave a toxic relationship?

The best way to know is to listen to ourselves. If we try to avoid our partner, that’s a sign. If we keep on complaining about our unhappiness to our friends and family, that’s another sign. If we fear our partner, that’s another sign, and also a warning of an abusive relationship.

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Use somebody

“Someone like you and all you know and how you speak”

Kings of Leon, Use somebody

Recently, one of my friends ended his four year relationship with his significant other. He met her during a cocktail party a long time ago, and she became friend with him.

My friend, although he’s very clever, has a weakness with the opposite sex. He has been fooled many times, and he still hasn’t learned from his mistakes.

After his divorce, he started a relationship with her. Men can’t stay single for long after a divorce, while for women, it’s often different. Some of my female friends have stayed single for long after their divorce, sometimes ten years, before jumping again in a new relationship.

His new significant other used to be a politician’s wife. He died of cancer a long time ago. She has a status of “femme du monde”, like we say here, designating women who are regular guests to banquets and cocktails party organized for the high society. They are also rich, sometimes famous, but not because of what they have accomplished. Usually, they appear on people magazine pages, dedicated to mundane cocktails and painting exhibitions. Not because they have published a book, nor won a tennis tournament, nor saved people,…  In my country, several magazines have some pages where you can see “important” people at business clubs, country clubs, art exhibition inaugural parties, … One of them tried to get rid of it, but it received so many complaints from readers it had to put those pages back on.

As a well respected intellectual figure, my friend was also invited to those events. He’s brilliant, so he has no problem attracting women (and men). Usually, people just listen to him with admiration.

That’s how he met her.

Several times during his relationship with her, he told me he was unhappy, because she was hysterical. She was mean with his daughter. He said she banned her from her house. He feared her.

Yet, curiously, he started to appear in people magazines, alongside her. Later, he told me it was her initiative, as she wanted to have her picture in those magazines.

In other words, she used him and his celebrity to get access to fame.

He only realized this recently. He had a difficult year last year, because of his job, and also a lawsuit. Sometimes, we need a shock in our life to realize what’s wrong with it.

She sounds like a manipulative personality. It’s not easy to get out of such a toxic relationship.

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Vulnerable in the bedroom

The New York Times runs a piece about Emma Sulkowicz, a student at Columbia University, who carries a mattress with her all of the time as a protest against sexual assault on campus. She says she will continue to carry that mattress as long as her rapist attends the same school than her. Unfortunately, sexual assaults happen too often on campus. When I was in College, I remember there was a warning message hanging everywhere in my building against a rapist who was running errands around our building. Our university even put around the building and the campus ringing alarms people could easily trigger and which make a hell of a noise but are very dissuasive.

What strikes me in Emma Sulkowicz is her own experience with sexual assault. Her boyfriend abused her while they were having casual sex. I can’t imagine how awful it was.

Unfortunately, when we accept to have sex with someone, we become vulnerable, because we give him/her our trust. Nobody accepts to have sex with someone we don’t trust.  But our trust can weaken with drugs or alcohol which impair our judgment.

In College, and later, alcohol and drugs can be easily found. There are countless occasions to get high or drunk. And most of us ends up having sex with random strangers or people who try to take an advantage of us. When I was in College, I remember that guy who always found his victim at the end of the night, because she was drunk and lonely. He wasn’t handsome. He was a bit scary, and I did my best to stay far away from him during parties. I also tried to stay lucid even if I drank a lot with my friends. But some of my friends recall their one night stands caused by this mix of alcohol and sometimes drugs. No one really was bragging about this.  There’s nothing to be proud of  in this situation.

Some of my friends admitted their one night stand was sometimes as drunk as they were, so they didn’t fear anything. Yet, one of them once told me she did run away when she realized where she was heading. She said the guy scared her.

And this was almost 15 years now.

Since then, more and more men, young men, watch porn movies that flood the internet. In those movies, women are just sluts who say yes to everything. Not a great guide for their sex life.

As Michel Houellebecq writes in his book, is this the sign of a declining civilization, where we only consume porn movies and swing parties? Our society is only living for desire, never fulfilled. We have forgotten how to love.

Is this the sign of a declining civilization when we have to fear the person we have sex with, and when we feel vulnerable in the bedroom?

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celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Sugar Daddies on the rise

The Atlantic recently wrote a piece called “How sugar daddies  are financing college students”. The article explains how an dating site played a pivotal role in this evolution, as students can register for free while men have to pay up to 1,200 dollars for their membership. Men who register to Seeking Arrangement apparently look for sex, but sometimes companionship too. That’s why college educated women, much younger than them, are sought after, more than other young women. “They look for a woman who can understand what they do, accompany him to company events, and talk with their friends” writes the article. This a very cynical relationship.  Because let’s be honest, basically, it’s a financial relationship between a wealthy and old man and a young and sometimes penniless woman. In my country, there is no dating site like that. But there are a lot of escort agencies, located around key business places. One of my friends has seen a lot of young women meeting older men in a very famous hotel in my city, located near the chic avenue where you can often see ferraris and porsches parked in the parking lot. But College educated women? Wow. This says a lot about how expensive College studies have become in the USA. A lot of students get into debt to finance their studies, as the costs got multiplied by ten over the last ten years. In other words, students have become more fragile. Meanwhile, at Wall Street, business men have seen their stock options rebounding and their bonuses on the rise since the financial crisis. And most economists, like the Nobel Prize Joseph Stiglitz, have ringed the alarm about the rising wealth inequality in America. As for the men who pay for this service, and hope for a companionship, well, like one of the women said in the article, they live in a fantasy. Because even if a woman is College educated, she would have to be extremely mature to be that ideal companion. And an extremely mature woman would never go into such a financial transaction. For college women who read this, remember there’s always another solution. Strike Debt, for example, has already canceled 4 millions dollars of student loans. Without asking for a payback in companionship or sex. There’s nothing romantic in fulfilling the fantasy of a wealthy and powerful old man.

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