broken heart, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Acceptance or isolation of your couple

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The new French president, Emmanuel Macron, raised some eyebrows before of the age difference between him and his spouse, Brigitte.  In our society, unfortunately, it’s not considered normal for a man to marry someone who is his senior, especially if the age gap is very large. My mother is two years older than my father. They haven’t met any reticence when they started their relationship. People don’t notice that difference. They just look as old together.

Those couples who have a large age gap do meet some reticence.  But it’s the same for couples who don’t share the same religion, the same background and pedigree, … Those couples are more fragile because of the pressure of their relatives and friends, over the society.  If their relatives and friends don’t accept the significant other, either the relationship survive by staying away from their circle or the relationship die. Love is not enough. Our circles have to validate our couple. Nobody likes to be cut from their friends and family, even if it’s for love.

Shakespeare grabs that difficulty for those couples in “Romeo and Juliet”. In the end of this tragedy, both lovers die, because their love would never have been accepted by their family.

Without strong links and reliable social circle, that certainly to have a destiny together can unbundle. At the risk of loneliness and the feeling of invincibility” said Serge Hefez, a psychologist in a french magazine.

Acceptance of your significant other from your family and friends is important.

A friend of mine told me his brother-in-law turned suddenly agressive toward him and his mother, after years of mocking from them because he wasn’t an intellectual like all the members of my friend’s family. “He was just a nurse, but recently he became CEO of a prosperous company he founded thanks to his IT skills. And since then, he has been agressive with us” he says. His sister has been torn for years between her family and her husband, and the feud isn’t over.

It’s not easy for family and friends to accept our significant other if he/she doesn’t fit into their ideal.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Cougars (the age gap between lovers)

During the presidential elections in France, many comments were directed at Emmanuel Macron’s wife, Brigitte, who is 24 years his senior. Many attacks and critics  are targeted at the presidential candidates, and their relatives/friends/ assistant.  In the United States, Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, was not saved from those critics. But those critics were never raised against their age difference, even if they share with the new French presidential couple, the same age gap (24 years).

Melania Trump was never suspected to be gay for loving a much older man than her.  In France, there were doubts the presidential couple’s love was not genuine. As if a man couldn’t love someone older than him.  The only difference between these two couples is the moment when they fell in love. Emmanuel Macron was only 15 when he fell in love with his future wife. While Melania was 27 when she met Donald Trump for the first time.

In theory, should we all fall in love with someone who shares the same age than us? Would we be better off with someone who’s born in the same year than us?

With someone who is from the same generation than us, we can share many common points, the same experiences, the same references because of our education, the same values,… And we will age at the same rhythm. “With someone older, you will face all of his illness linked to his age. It’s a risk” says one of my friends. “As you age, the burden of age will be more difficult for your older partner. There will be some activities you can’t do with him” she added.

I don’t agree with her. With someone who shares the same age than us, there can be some major differences. If you’re introverted,  don’t like many social interactions  and prefer the comfort of your couch with a good book, you can clash with a partner who is the exact opposite than you. Whether she/he’s older or younger, or not than you. We can share zero common point apart the age with someone who’s as old as you. Besides, yes, there is a chance the older one in your couple can die before you. But life can decide otherwise. You can be hit by a bus tomorrow or die in an accident. There are no age to die.

We fall in love with the one who holds the promise to change our life. It’s not a conscientious act. It’s not like we can choose someone out of a catalog who will have all the qualities we look in a partner. Of course, if the one we love is violent or verbally abusive, we should leave him/her alone.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

New Soul

Many of you have probably heard about this news: Helmut Kohl, 78, has just tied the knot again with  a 44 year old economist named Maike. He was previously married to another woman who committed suicide. Let’s wish to the new bride not the same fate… (I’m horrible, I know).

If they had dated earlier in their life, he would have been considered as a pedophile or something like that, and people would have criticized her for looking after a father figure. I’m sure now Maike’s mom wouldn’t have said anything against this union (if she’s still alive).

Passed a certain age, age difference isn’t such a problem anymore. For some people, at least. When I see my friend, who’s 30, dating a 55 year-old man, I don’t see any problem because at 55, he’s still got it going on (some of my professional contacts  are younger than him, and they look much older than him). Her man would give complex to my male generation…

Yet, I’m wondering what was Maike thinking by marrying a guy who could be my grandpa…

Does that disgust you?

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broken heart, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

You’re just a baby

I bumped into an old friend of mine recently. We went to College together, and at that time, he was dating a much older woman than him. He was 20, she was 40. “Women of my age don’t attract me, I’ve got the impression to be with whining babies, while older women represent the real woman to my eyes” he said back then. Now, he’s still dating a woman who’s 15 years older than him, faithful to his idea.

He told me that this kind of relationship has one huge problem: its social recognition. “I don’t really care what people can say about us, but what is hurting me the most is the fact that my family doesn’t really accept it, especially my mother, who takes the culprit of being a bad mother because of my choice” he said.

This reminds me of my old director. She came once in our office devastated because her son decided to move in with the woman of his life. The problem was that this woman wasn’t exactly what my boss had hoped for her son. “He met her in his school, she was the one who was serving the dishes at their restaurant. She’s old, she’s fat, she’s gross, she’s simply eeewwwww. On top of that, she has already a kid with a convict. What was he thinking?” she said. She told me her daughter and everyone else in the school called her the grumpy whale, because she wasn’t exactly kind with the students. She made obviously an exception for my director’s son. He told her mom she was the one, and that she’d better not interfere in his decision. I wonder if he’s still living with her now…

This is a special example, but in my friend’s case, the woman he’s dating has nothing to do with a grumpy whale. The problem is just the age difference. He explained he got a lot of remarks about their relationship coming from his relatives, that goes something like this: “She’s too old to give you a baby”, “You don’t come from the same generation, how can you understand each other? “, “You’re at the beginning of your life, she’s already experienced tons of experience you need to discover by yourself”, “She looks like your mom, when you’re together, it’s just ridiculous”. And he told me that his partner also gets a lot of biased questions/advices about it, like for example”He will leave you for a younger one” or “He’s just a baby, you can only mother him”.

Age difference in a relationship shouldn’t be a problem if both of you share a lot of common points, the same goals in life, and a true understanding of each other. This is what my friend believes, and he’s right. If both of you are on the same wavelength, then age ain’t nothing but a number. Another friend of mine, who’s 30, is dating a 50-year old designer right now, and she said that of course, you have to share a lot of common points, but it’s better if you’re sexually compatible too.

So, would you date someone younger than you?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

I don’t want to know

My mom always told me when I was little and sensitive to the others’ comments about me not to care about what they say. “The most important thing you should consider is what you think, not what others think about you” she said. As one of my friends is struggling right now to make her family accept the man of her life, I just remember about what my mom said. My friend has found happiness with a guy who’s not from the same religion as her and also much older than her (but not as old as her dad). I’m happy for her, yet I know that most of her entourage isn’t exactly thrilled by this. She’s on the verge  of  cutting all contacts with them because she’s tired of their opposition to this union, and I don’t know if that’s a good solution.

Of course, you shouldn’t care much about what people say about you, but when it’s your friends and family against it, is it worth ignoring  what they say just because you love someone who’s not suitable for them?  Remember that love can make us blind, and that we can easily fall for the wrong guy. Maybe our entourage can see the obvious we can’t see. Maybe they could be totally wrong about the guy.

When should you listen to your entourage and when should you not?  Well, first, it depends on which exclusion criteria your entourage based his decision on your lover. Sometimes, you’ll be surprised to know the real motivation behind their opposition. “My best friend hated my ex and always told me he wasn’t right for me because we were completely opposite. But I didn’t agree with her at all, and didn’t understand why she said that, because I got along really well with my ex. When we broke up because we reached the end of our story, my ex told me she did try to make a move with him. She was jealous of me”F., 35, said. “My mom didn’t like my ex who was twenty years older than me because of that. She told me she found our couple just ridiculous and that I should date guys of my age. But I don’t like guys of my age, I just think they’re immature in general and we get along like cats and dogs. My mom is divorced and I haven’t known her any man in her life since she split with my dad. My ex had once to travel with her to join me abroad, and he told me that during the trip, she was a true sweetheart with him and tried to seduce him”G., 36, said.

Sometimes, their opposition can be just ridiculous. “My family didn’t like my ex because he was a fan of a rival football club” D., 31, said. “My friends think my man sucks because he works for a controversial politician” T., 30, said.

But sometimes, their opposition can be trusted. It’s legitimate for your family to worry if you’re dating an ex-convict (for murdering/rape/violence, not for just stealing or little stupid crimes), a junkie, a married man or a fanatic (if you’re not a fanatic yourself).  They can also be right about your lover because he’s a total loser who’s cheating on you and you’re the last to know about it.

So, have you ever listened to your family/friend’s advices regarding your lover? And have you ever bypassed their advice?

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