love, relationships, thoughts, women

Villains

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Why are we sometimes attracted to jerks who are mean with us?

One of my friends is always attracted to mean women. I told him many times he’s masochist because he’s chosen the same type of women over and over again. His ex was very dominant, and couldn’t help belittle him in front of other people. My friend told me she said he was not clever in front of his friends at a garden party. His other friends also warned him she was very mean with him. Yet, he pursued a relationship over four years with her. She was the one who ended the relationship. She left him for another man.

His new relationship isn’t going well either because his new woman is also mean with him. “Intellectually,  this relationship is interesting” he told me.”I take it day after after. We’ll see” he added. 

Robert Sutton, a professor of management at Stanford university, defines as asshole a person who lowers, exhausts and fails to respect other people.

Yet, despite this negative definition, people are attracted to assholes. Nice people (defined as person who are kind and respect other people) are sometimes perceived as annoying.

It’s particular true in the professional work. Although assholes don’t last forever in their company. In a newsroom close to mine, the editor in chief was pushed to the exit after 15 journalists complained about his bullying behavior. But he was chosen over other people to be the editor in chief  four years ago. He was perceived as a good leader.

“Villains are always picked as leader of a group or a team. Managers don’t want nice people as leaders” says one of my friends.

Maybe assholes are picked because they are sometimes very clever and understand what people need. Maybe the reason is because they are generally in a very high position in society. In other words, they are attractive. That’s why people find excuses to their disrespectful behavior. My friend’s current significant other is a well known public personality. I guess he has an important place for celebrities and the access to their world over values like respect.

All in all, it depends on your own values. If you don’t want respect and kindness,  but prefers “intellectually interesting people”, there is a good chance you will end with an asshole or a villain.

 

 

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Men at work

Once, I had a conversation with one of my best friends about the men we wouldn’t date at all. And she pointed out an important point: she couldn’t date a man whose job is simply too controversial or against her principles. An example? “I could never date a politician because I don’t care about politics at all, and I have no respect for politicians. I could not date a dealer, a man who sells weapons, one whose job consists in swindling the others. Also, I have a hard time with cops” she said.

Her choices are quite restrictive, but I can understand her. We all want someone we can respect, and if he/she already disappoints us with his/her job, the relationship may be ill-fated. Another friend of mine doesn’t necessarily agree with this. “Of course, I wouldn’t want to date a crook or a dealer. If he’s condemned, you can get condemned too as his accomplice, and that’s a situation I don’t want to live. But for the rest, what he does to earn his life doesn’t interest me that much. If he’s happy with his job, why would I ask him to change? Besides, there’s a clear line between the professional life and the private life. I don’t believe these two ever cross” she said.

Another one said she cares about his profession if it takes him all his time. “I was married for three years with an analyst who was barely there during the week and spent all his week-ends working. I felt completely secondary feels, and that’s why I asked for a divorce” she said. So, in  her no-no list would fall the doctors, CEOs, firemen, cops,… every job that is time consuming in fact. She could add in her list the journalists. Just in my newsroom, one of my colleagues managed last year to be for seven months away from home, traveling the world for his press trips. And also sailors and military men.

Dealing with a man whose job is very demanding isn’t easy. As one of my contacts said delicately about his wife: “If she’s not happy with my job, then I will change for another woman“. How nice.  Personally, I don’t mind if he’s working more than 12 hours a day, as long as he thinks about me and has from time to time some special attentions for me.

On the other hand, if he’s not working at all, while the woman is working, some women find it hard to maintain him financially. 

So, is there any profession that is a turn off for you?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Cheated heart

What is an asshole? According to wikipedia, this term is a derisive descriptor of an unpleasant person whose acts are either hurtful, self-centered, or abrasive.  Each of us has his own definition of what is an asshole to our eyes, and generally, when you ask the others about that question, people will associate this word with a particular person they know. Some of the women I met use this term a lot towards their ex’s, or a least, one of them.

“J., my ex, is the biggest asshole on this planet. He would never lift his finger to help anybody. For example, once, we were waiting to cross the road, and an old lady, obviously not well, was standing next to us. He didn’t propose to help her, this idea even never crossed his mind, and as I was offering her my help, he just told me that I was stupid. I dumped him just after crossing the road”P., 31, said.

G.,  wasn’t my ex, but we had a platonic relationship at work. Relationship is a big word, because basically, he was always after me for helping him in his numerous tasks.  He would never ask me how I was each time he came to my desk, but instead, kept on talking about his problems and asking for help.  I really had the impression he was doing me a favor by choosing me, that he could find another female colleague as well. I should also mention that he never thanked me for anything. Everything revolved around him”U., 34, said.

“P., my ex, is a true asshole. He would never say anything nice to anybody, including me and his family. Each time we went to visit them, he would basically spend the whole evening  criticizing everything  and complaining about his little problems, even if her sister suffered from a cancer. He had never a kind word for her. With me, I knew that I should complain because the result would be he told me to stop whining about it. He was a really spoiled kid, this would explain that”L., 31, said.

“For me, an asshole is the one who won’t pay the spousal support to his ex-wife who’s taking charge of their three children while spending all his money with his new conquest.  This is my cousin, unfortunately”O., 31, said.

The list can be really long. Some women also describe as asshole “those who push you to abort” or “who won’t recognize your child, saying he wasn’t his“, but also those “who know they’ve got AIDS but won’t tell you about it and refuse to put a condom“. The real asshole won’t recognize he’s one and won’t show any remorse.

So, what’s an asshole to you?

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