love, relationships, thoughts, women



Why are we sometimes attracted to jerks who are mean with us?

One of my friends is always attracted to mean women. I told him many times he’s masochist because he’s chosen the same type of women over and over again. His ex was very dominant, and couldn’t help belittle him in front of other people. My friend told me she said he was not clever in front of his friends at a garden party. His other friends also warned him she was very mean with him. Yet, he pursued a relationship over four years with her. She was the one who ended the relationship. She left him for another man.

His new relationship isn’t going well either because his new woman is also mean with him. “Intellectually,  this relationship is interesting” he told me.”I take it day after after. We’ll see” he added. 

Robert Sutton, a professor of management at Stanford university, defines as asshole a person who lowers, exhausts and fails to respect other people.

Yet, despite this negative definition, people are attracted to assholes. Nice people (defined as person who are kind and respect other people) are sometimes perceived as annoying.

It’s particular true in the professional work. Although assholes don’t last forever in their company. In a newsroom close to mine, the editor in chief was pushed to the exit after 15 journalists complained about his bullying behavior. But he was chosen over other people to be the editor in chief  four years ago. He was perceived as a good leader.

“Villains are always picked as leader of a group or a team. Managers don’t want nice people as leaders” says one of my friends.

Maybe assholes are picked because they are sometimes very clever and understand what people need. Maybe the reason is because they are generally in a very high position in society. In other words, they are attractive. That’s why people find excuses to their disrespectful behavior. My friend’s current significant other is a well known public personality. I guess he has an important place for celebrities and the access to their world over values like respect.

All in all, it depends on your own values. If you don’t want respect and kindness,  but prefers “intellectually interesting people”, there is a good chance you will end with an asshole or a villain.



dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Married at first sight

Imagine if you get married to a guy you haven’t met and  who has 89% of compatibility with you according to the test you took on Okcupid or Elite Dating? That’s the pitch of a new TV show in my country, called Married at first sight. People choose to get married to a total stranger who has a high score of compatibility with them after taking a test.

For those who have tested OkCupid or Elite Dating, or any dating site where you have to fill a test to know your compatibility with a potential partner, it may rise eyebrows. Because it’s not because you have a high score of compatibility with someone that you may fall in love with him/her.

One explanation is because you don’t really find a right answer to the questions asked in the test. Or if you hacked Okcupid like Chris McKinlay. People also lie on internet.

Another reason could be because you don’t find attractive in real life your compatible date.  It can happen. I’ve been disappointed a lot by my first encounters with the men I met through online dating. To be fair, once, I even turned back on my heels when I saw one of my date seating in the cafe where we agreed to meet.

It can also happen you feel no sparks when you meet your date for the first time. Women do use their smell cue to choose their partner. The guy in front of them can be handsome, but if they can’t smell him, they won’t go on a second date with him. One of my friends also told me she just felt cold with every guy she met online during their first date.

Besides, even if you do start a relationship with someone you met online and who has a high score of compatibility with you, it’s not guaranteed to last and to end up with wedding bells. There are many hurdles in a relationship.

So marrying someone you just met is not a really good idea.

broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The needed distance


On the app Tinder, I’ve found quite a lot of men I know more or less, because they are either a public figure, or because they have common friends with me on Facebook, or even are friend with me on Facebook. As the app is based on our geolocation, it’s not a surprise to see some people we know who are either looking for a relationship or just looking for a hookup (married or not).

I tend to stop over profiles who have either some common likes with me, or who have common friends with me on Tinder. I can’t pick some random strangers out of luck and start a conversation with them. But I have swiped left all public figures and even the men I know personally. There were two of my former coworkers in that list, and a professional contact I call from time to time. I know I can always contact them on Facebook if I change my mind.

A friend of mine asked me if I can avoid them if a relationship comes and go, as it’s difficult to cope a breakup with our ex if he/she a coworker working in the same floor, same building than us.

As if these relationships are all ill-fated. Yes, relationships can turn sour and end. But some last a long time. In my office, there are three couples who met at work. All of them are married and it’s been a while since they started to date each other. Two former couples are over, but my coworkers didn’t have to avoid their ex, because their ex left the office when they were still together. Yet, they have children with them, and they are forced to remain friends with their ex. But they have moved over and married to other people so it’s not difficult for them.

The office is the number one place to find love. Because we can grow a strong bond with a coworker who is located very near to us and always available for a coffee. This kind of relationship takes time. So people are not taking it very lightly.  If there is a womanizer among your coworker, you will probably know about it before he can start his moves on you. Your other coworkers play an important role in your search for love, by silently validating your union.

Nothing lasts forever though. And some office couples do break up.  If you have the chance to work for a company that send you abroad or to multiple seminars, you can avoid seeing your ex. For other people , it’s best to stay away for some time, taking a long holiday, to move over.

Break up are sometimes hard to stomach. Especially if you were left for someone else. I went through that, and even if my ex wasn’t a coworker, I see him a lot because we are involved in the same professional circles. It’s painful, but I survived.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 1) the seducer

Ha, the seducer. In a party, an event, at work or just among your friends, you will immediately recognize him because he’s the only one who openly flirts with you. Usually, he’s either good-looking enough not to make too many efforts, or he tries to be funny and charming if he doesn’t consider himself handsome.

The problem is he’s not acting like that only with you.

And he has rehearsed his show to many women before you met him. He just knows which pick up lines to use to get what he wants.

He’s the guy who will take good care of himself, because he hates getting old and he constantly needs to comfort himself. So, if he has more beauty products than you, this should be a sign he’s a seducer.

He’s also the one who tries to get the attention. Everything about him screams “Look at me”.

On the good side, he will never say something deceitful to you, at least, at the beginning of your relationship. So you can ask him anything you want, as he wants to please you.

But this guy has a narcissistic crack who pushes him to seduce all of the time. Even if he won’t necessarily cheat on you.

He’s not mean. But trying to have a relationship with him can be exhausting.  As you can feel diminished by staying too long with him, because it’s difficult to be treated like everybody else.  Besides, it’s difficult to cope with his seducing ways with other women. It’s offensive to you when he compliments other women in front of you, or if he even flirts with them. Slowly, you will lose your self-confidence. And if you tell him how you feel, he will try to change, but he will always come back to his way.

So, when you met one of them for the first time, don’t hesitate to question him about his love life, his ex’s,… My ex got divorced two times. His first wife ran away. His second one left him because he had a child out of wedlock. Yet, I was foolish enough not to listen to those warning signs.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dating through Tinder

Recently, a friend of mine told me she had a date with a guy she met on Tinder, that app you can download on your smartphone and shows you the Facebook profile of potential partners. My friend said she found him very attractive and funny, as they started to chat with each other.

After a few exchanges, she agreed to meet him in a cafe in my town which is the hotspot for blind dates apparently. After the D-Date, she told me he was cute and charming, but she wasn’t convinced at all by him. Because she has a hard time to forget her ex. But she added it felt good to feel desirable, and the app helped her to find what she was looking for.

I’ve never use Tinder. I’ve just tried other dating sites, where I was really disappointed after I met the guy in real life. I don’t know if I would be helped more by looking at a Facebook profile. Because we only put a fraction of us on Facebook, and usually the good part of it.

But then, I came across this article.  It says an artist used to respond to every lewd message by drawing a nude cartoon based on the photos she received.

Because it’s true that when you’re a woman, you can be harassed on dating sites, especially those where statistically, there are more men than women.

I experienced once an unpleasant situation with dating site. I didn’t put my real name, but I just mentioned I was a journalist. And the guy I met online managed to find my identity, and started to comment on my articles by insulting me. I had to refer to our community manager to get rid of him, and to the dating site where I complained about him. I think they have blocked him. I’ve never about him. But since then, I’ve been more careful. I don’t mention who I am to the people I met online. I’m a bit disgusted by dating sites anyway.

There are people who meet their match on those sites, though. One of my friends met her man through a Facebook game called are you interested?  a while ago.

celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Everything has changed

P1020624Since March of last year, I’ve been seeing again my old BFF. Almost 17 years ago, I left our town after a huge argument with him, and I’ve never had any news from him since then, even when I joined Facebook in 2007 and I found him again.

Our first exchange after years of silence was short. I sent him a message to ask him how he was. He replied he was writing his thesis. And didn’t ask me what I have become. It ended there.

Years passed, and he remained silent even though he still remained my Facebook friend, until one day in March of last year, when I was waiting for my train at the Gare du Nord in Paris. He left me several messages, very sweet, very unusual that day because he was at the same place at the same time than I. But I didn’t see him because my train was leaving. He made me promise the next time I will be there, I should tell him.

So I told him when I got back to Paris. And he agreed to have a drink with me.

Thanks to Facebook, I knew he was in a relationship with someone else and working as a professor. So, I didn’t have many surprises when I saw him again after years of silence.

I don’t know if he was nervous on that day, but he drank a lot of beers while we were speaking. He also told me he hated his students and his job, and that he wished he would be in another town. I didn’t tell him he was making a mistake. I just looked at him with disagreement. He also showed bitterness when he talked about his ex who left him for his best friend seven years ago.

Our conversation lasted four hours! He had to get his train, but before leaving the bar, he asked me when I will be in Paris the next time. I told him I didn’t know. He kissed me goodbye and said he was happy to see me, and then disappeared in the subway.

Three weeks passed, until I got invited in Paris again. When I told him about it, he said he would meet me there. But the D-Day, he apologized he couldn’t make it, because he had another appointment. He added it was not his kind of way. I had the feeling he was leading me on, so I just told him it was ok, and didn’t contact him afterward.

I went twice to Paris at the end of December. I didn’t tell him. I just mentioned it on Facebook, in case my other friends would be there too. But every time, he asked me when  I would be available (to the point of being a little bit annoying), and I replied I didn’t have the time for him.

Then, this year, I wished him a happy Birthday. He thanked me, and asked again if I would be in Paris soon. In fact, I was, but he wasn’t. Instead, he said he would be in my town the next weekend, and that maybe, I could meet him near the train station. I agreed.

We only had one hour together before he had to take his train. This time, he only had one coffee. We spoke about various topic, until he told me he had a deal for a book. I also told him I had a book written and almost published. So I congratulated him. And when  he had to leave for his train, I asked him if he still planned to teach elsewhere. He replied he wasn’t sure anymore, and besides, his significant other has just received an upgrade at work, so she was hesitating to leave their town as well.

I followed him until we saw his platform, but he asked me why I followed him, so I pulled back. I kissed him goodbye and he said he was happy to see me. I left him there.

Since then, I miss him.


broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Beyond the Gayet-Hollande scandal

In France, the president François Hollande is in the middle of a scandal because he got caught by a people magazine outside his lover’s apartment on New Year Day. Funny detail, the address of this apartment is the rue du Cirque ( Circus street) in Paris. As if his mandate is a circus…

The reactions around me were different around men and women. Some of my female friends shrugged their shoulders and said all the men are the same, while my male friends said that women were all attracted by power, because let’s said it, François Hollande is not Brad Pitt.

Well, most men are not Brad Pitt. I heard many times my male friends complaining they’re not Brad Pitt.  Yet, they managed to catch a super awesome woman just because they were nice, fun, and caring for them.

Looking from Hollande’s gesture (he was bringing his mistress croissants on New Year’s day), he seems to fall into the same category as my male friends. Except that he’s the French president.

I bet Julie Gayet, the first time she met him, thought he wasn’t attractive at all.

I can tell you that, because the first time I met B., I thought he looked ridiculous with his loden coat and his big handbag. I was even scared about his power. And I thought he would never get interested in an ordinary woman like me.

But B. had a wow factor. He would defend me whenever I had an argument with people in a debate. He would always try to make me laugh and tell me to take things more lightly. He would also make me feel as if I was his equal.

And we may have the best example of this with Michelle and Barack Obama. She said she didn’t even look at him when she met him for the first time. He had to win her over.

So, probably, this is how François Hollande got into this scandal.

I hate to say it, but his actual official lover, who’s now in hospital, wasn’t the love of his life as he mentioned it before. If she was the love of his life, he would have run to her when he got elected. Instead, he tried to reach for his ex-wife, who was standing not far away for his lover on that day.

The person we run to whenever we want to share something small or important is our soul mate. We may have many friends, but we always run to a very small circle of people, and sometimes, this circle boils down to just one person.

We all know that because we know this person is the only one who can fully understand us.

But the quest to find that person is sometimes very long. And we might not see the obvious signs right away.

So, when François Hollande promised to the French people he would be a “normal president”, he would probably mean he would be a normal man, sometimes fooled over. Like many of us.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Never marry the rock star

In his latest book, “Antifragile: things that gain from disorder“, the mathematician Nassim Taleb takes one example to illustrate his theory of a bimodal strategy to avoid antifragility. “Female in the animal kingdom (in some monogamous species which includes humans) tend to marry the equivalent of the accountant, or even more colorless, the economist, someone stable who can provide, and once in a while, they cheat with the aggressive alpha, the rock star, as a part of a dual strategy“.

He adds it all boils down to  the search of good genes and economic stability, which cannot be obtained in one man, as the rock star ( aka the good genes) isn’t someone stable. And the accountant/ economist (aka the economic stability) hasn’t the good genes.

Well, I don’t really agree with Taleb, because nowadays, some economists are considered as the alpha males. Some get interviewed as if they were rock stars and found themselves in the same parties like the real rock stars. An example? Nouriel Roubini.

This economist got famous for predicting the housing bubble in the United States. He’s on the left of the picture, dancing next to Gwen Stefani, the lead singer of No Doubt. At his place, his neighbors complained about the numerous parties he holds with models and “it” people.

In France, they had also a case of an economist who has a thing for prostitutes and loves the spot light: DSK.

And in my country, an accountant, who regularly features on the media, got into trouble for his car, licensed in another country: an Hummer. He likes to drive it around with various young women.

The words “economic stability” don’t pop into my mind when I think about them. As for the good genes, well,  it depends on the definition of it. If it’s the intelligent genes, then why didn’t Albert Einstein attract a lot of women?

Besides, nowadays, as I see the alarming rate of divorce in my country, I can’t think there’s an economic stability with any man at all.

Relationships are more complex than that. And love, by its nature, is fragile.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

To follow your heart

Some might say we need the courage to follow our heart. The best example of this might be Steve Jobs in this speech back in 2005.

As he said in his speech, following his heart put him in the path of success, but it wasn’t easy all the way.  Jobs got fired from the company he started, only to come back with a vengeance years later.

Yet, sometimes, our heart can lead us in the wrong path. Because the decision we take with our heart is not rational.

The best example is when we fall in love. We can’t explain why we feel suddenly this urge to be with the person we fall in love. All we want, is to stare at him/her, watching every little move he/she makes, to smell his/her odor, to feel the connection between us, event without saying a word. Objectively, this person is not different from the rest of us. But we get hooked to him/her.

We can do anything to be with the person we love. Yet, this can lead to painful decisions, and when love is over, it leaves you bruised and battered psychologically.

Even if our family and friends (sometimes, only our friends) help us a lot after the break up to get back on track, we just know we’re not fully recovered. Each day, we enter a routine but we know we’re missing something.

To jump in another relationship, called the rebound relationship, only delays this state of mind.

Deep down in our heart, we just want the other to come back into our life.

Yet, some of us choose to test how far we can go with our heart. And it seems there is a limit to our love. Even if death is sometimes the ultimate limit.

In my country, there is a huge debate for the moment because of this interview:


Her name is Sybille de Selys Longchamps, a former mistress of our former king, and also mother of their child born out of wedlock: Delphine Boël.

For years (between 1966 and 1984), de Selys Longchamps had been living a secret love affair with the then future king. As she said in her interview, they had to meet in places no one could recognize them, so it was often small, remote hotels, not very comfortable or luxurious. “Once, as it was my birthday, I asked him if we could stay in a more comfortable hotel. And he accepted. But when we entered the restaurant of the hotel, I immediately recognized a couple I knew. There was no way we could just walk away because it would have made us guilty of something. So we went to say hello to them, and I just introduced him as my uncle. Back in our room, I shouted at him because I had enough of this situation” she said.

He eventually tried to get divorced to be with her. But there was a condition to this: she wouldn’t be allowed to speak to his three children. Nor the rest of the royal family. “I knew I would be that woman if I accepted. I knew I couldn’t live with that”she said. So, she waved him goodbye.

In other words, she reached the limit of her heart. And that limit was her self-esteem.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The date catastrophe

date_0First dates are never easy, especially if it’s a blind date. Even if you exchanged a lot of emails on dating sites with your future date, your first date in real life can be really disappointing.

Recently, I had a bad date again with a guy who seemed absolutely charming on internet. He was funny, witty, and seemed caring on internet. When I met him on our date, I found a very cold person who didn’t talk much and let me do the conversation. I asked him a lot of questions about himself, but he didn’t ask me any. I tried to be funny, but he didn’t laugh. And instead of inviting me for a drink, he proposed we went for a walk in the park , even if it was cold outside and I was starting to get sick. When we sat on a bench, he sat very far from me, and had his arms closed all of the time.

I guess he wasn’t attracted at all by me.

After one hour and an half of painful conversation, he decided to move back to where we came from. On our way back, we didn’t say a thing. I kissed him goodbye and went back to my car, without looking back at him. I knew it was useless.

Of course, he didn’t call or write me a message to thank me for the evening nor asking me if we could see each other again.

And when I think about it, I told myself I would have preferred if he didn’t come to our date at all.

Before our first date, he told me he would wait for me for half an hour and leave after if I didn’t show myself, and joked he would be sitting at the bar so if I see him and found him repelling, I could just run away.

But on the D-date, we arrived at the same time. And to be fair, he was quite handsome, so I had no reason to go away.

I had other dates where my date was not handsome at all. And I didn’t run away either. And some were rude to me. That made me run away.

One of them let me pay the bill. For all of us.  Another one decided to stop talking in French in the middle of the conversation. And another one was fine, until at the end of the date, he let me open the heavy door and laughed I couldn’t open it.  Just before me, a woman also tried to open the door, and failed, but her man came to the rescue and kissed her. My date didn’t offer any help.

What is your worst first date?