broken heart, life, love

The double life

Recently, one of my friends announced her sister was divorcing. “She accepted the invitation to go on holiday with one of her friends who is single. It was just for a week. When she came back home, she noticed her home smelled bad because all the doors and windows remained closed during her week away. Nothing had changed since she left. And nothing was in the dishwasher, as if her husband wasn’t there at all. Her husband didn’t say anything to her. But he remained silent during the evening. It was 2AM when she woke up and decided to wake her daughter as she wanted to go to our parents’ house. As she brought her daughter to her car, her husband woke up, and wondered what she was doing. She started to scream at him and asked him to tell her what was wrong. He told her he had a lover, who was 14 years older than him and her. He spent the week with her. He told my sister she is the love of his life, and said they should divorced” my friend said. “He started his affair four months ago. He told my sister he lied to her when he had meetings. He even brought their daughter to her house to see if she was able to get along with her sons” she added.

Of course, her sister is devastated for the moment. But I bet her future ex-husband’s love story will turn sour sooner or later.

His double life didn’t last for long. But for some people, the double life can last a long time.

Have you got a double life? Many people have one” one of my friends asked me a long time ago. It was during a dinner where we drank too much. But I still remember this conversation because it took me by surprise.

But what is a double life?

A double life is having two lives, one of which you do not want others to know about. A lover, kept secret, is part of that double life. But some people just keep a part of their life secret to their family and friends, for various reasons. I recently read the review of a film about voguers, an urban dance that grew out of New York in the gay community in the 80’s. Some of these dancers keep their activity secret because they risk to lose everything if they are discovered, including their life.

But secrets are hard to keep over a long time. Eventually, the truth will come out.

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life, love, relationships

Use somebody

“Someone like you and all you know and how you speak”

Kings of Leon, Use somebody

Recently, one of my friends ended his four year relationship with his significant other. He met her during a cocktail party a long time ago, and she became friend with him.

My friend, although he’s very clever, has a weakness with the opposite sex. He has been fooled many times, and he still hasn’t learned from his mistakes.

After his divorce, he started a relationship with her. Men can’t stay single for long after a divorce, while for women, it’s often different. Some of my female friends have stayed single for long after their divorce, sometimes ten years, before jumping again in a new relationship.

His new significant other used to be a politician’s wife. He died of cancer a long time ago. She has a status of “femme du monde”, like we say here, designating women who are regular guests to banquets and cocktails party organized for the high society. They are also rich, sometimes famous, but not because of what they have accomplished. Usually, they appear on people magazine pages, dedicated to mundane cocktails and painting exhibitions. Not because they have published a book, nor won a tennis tournament, nor saved people,…  In my country, several magazines have some pages where you can see “important” people at business clubs, country clubs, art exhibition inaugural parties, … One of them tried to get rid of it, but it received so many complaints from readers it had to put those pages back on.

As a well respected intellectual figure, my friend was also invited to those events. He’s brilliant, so he has no problem attracting women (and men). Usually, people just listen to him with admiration.

That’s how he met her.

Several times during his relationship with her, he told me he was unhappy, because she was hysterical. She was mean with his daughter. He said she banned her from her house. He feared her.

Yet, curiously, he started to appear in people magazines, alongside her. Later, he told me it was her initiative, as she wanted to have her picture in those magazines.

In other words, she used him and his celebrity to get access to fame.

He only realized this recently. He had a difficult year last year, because of his job, and also a lawsuit. Sometimes, we need a shock in our life to realize what’s wrong with it.

She sounds like a manipulative personality. It’s not easy to get out of such a toxic relationship.

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Risky business (Ashley Madison hacked)

Ashley Madison, the extramarital dating site, has been hit by a cyberattack. The hackers threaten to leak the personal details of users. This site has more than 30 millions users in North America.

It seems there’s nowhere to be safe on internet. And this case is a reminder that everything you publish online, even if it’s private, has the chance to be exposed to the public at least once. Not so long ago, stars like Jennifer Lawrence got their iPhone hacked and the hackers leaked their personal photos. The hackers picked all the stars who sent naked pictures of themselves to their significant other. And of course, they choose the young and attractive ones. Not to mention the numerous cases of revenge porn, where the angry ex-lovers publish their ex’s naked picture on forums and public website.

The hackers have a common goal: shaming. As various medias wrote, divorce lawyers could have a great week with this Ashley Madison scandal.

But who are the users of Ashley Madison? Not so long ago, GQ wrote an article about the Married women of AshleyMadison. Through these profiles, you can get an idea about their counterparts. Sometimes, there are politicians, athletes, CEOs, … I guess since Anthony Wiener got caught on Twitter hitting on women, other politicians have tried to get more cautious and use Ashley Madison to find women (or men) who will remain mum about their affairs.

In that article, the married women can also have a high-powered career, that could be torpedoed. Plus, in american companies, if you’re an adulterer,  you’re likely to be fired. In Europe, especially in France (and even in Germany), people are much more comfortable with infidelity, it’s not a big deal, as mentioned Aziz Ansari and Eric Klinenberg in their book “Modern Romance”. I don’t say everyone here is ok with infidelity. But you can’t be fired because you got caught cheating on your significant other. In my company (in Belgium), one of my coworkers got caught cheating with the receptionist. He’s still working for us. As for the receptionist, unfortunately, after our company got merged, we had to let her go.

Cheaters never win.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Too late to apologise

I’m sorry” is a sentence we have to use sometimes because we hurt someone or have gone too far with the other. But there’s a point where this apology doesn’t work anymore, especially with the one we love. It happens because we turned temporarily into a monster, and each of us is able to do so, unfortunately.

We can hurt the one we love by cheating on him/her and then revealing the truth. Some of my friends think they prefer not to know if they’ve been cheated on because it’s really difficult to forgive your companion afterwards. “I can’t forgive him if he cheats on me. Luckily, he has stayed faithful to me, at least, that’s what I believe” said a friend of mine. “I base our relationship on trust, and for me, infidelity is like a betrayal, so I won’t forgive if he’s unfaithful to me, even if he kept on apologising”I., 32, said.

After infidelity as the line we shouldn’t cross, there’s physical violence.  Some people can’t forgive if their companion raise their hand on them. “Once, after a heated argument, he slapped me in the face. I just couldn’t stand it and left him two days after. I don’t want someone who’s violent”K., 35, said. “When we moved in together, we had a huge fight at the beginning because I was sick and tired of his mother constantly coming in our apartment and considering it as her home too. He was so pissed off that he threw his glass at my direction, and fortunately, it didn’t hit me. But I was shocked and decided straight away to move out. I didn’t want to accept his apologies” U., 32, said.

Infidelity and physical violence are something we aren’t all able to do. But we all can hurt the other by the power of words. “I blew all my chances with him because once, in a conversation, I insinuated he was just a loser. I didn’t say it that way, but as he kept on enumerating the multiple jobs he had in the past where he barely stayed for more than 6 months, I couldn’t help asking him if he was able to keep a job. He didn’t take it well. I apologised to him, but after that, he became distant with me. I should have kept my mouth shut” H., 34, said. “I criticized his passion for collecting car miniatures, saying it was childish. He got offended, and I understood I went too far and apologised, but he told me to get out of his life”T., 30, said. “When we met, I didn’t know if he was gay or straight, so I asked him about it. But I had probably wrongly formuled my question, because he got offended. Even if I said to him I was sorry for being too curious and not so diplomatic, he didn’t want to see me again“P., 31, said.

Of course, it all depends on our susceptibility and our capacity to forgive. Some people do forgive, even to the worst. “I was raped when I was 20, and after a long therapy, my psychologist told me it was necessary to forgive him for what he had done, so I could close this painful chapter in my life. So, I followed his advice, even it was really difficult”L., 36, said. “I believe his anger was temporary, and that I triggered this because of what I said to him, so I forgave him” N., 32, said.

So, have you ever said or done something you regretted afterwards? And what would you forgive, and don’t forgive?

 

 

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celibacy, life, love, men, Music, relationships, sex, video, wacky, women

Not a crime?

Recently, a French swimming champion got badly served with nude photos of her displayed in the medias. Apparently, these indelicate pictures were leaked by her ex-fiance. How nice of him.

When people break up, either they choose to keep it civil, either they try to ignore each other, or they just dive into a battle of revenge. It depends a lot on if we’re acrimonious or not, but also on how the relationship ended.

How do we take revenge on our ex? There are different ways. One of my friends, who got dumped by one of the douchiest men in the world, “sort” her ex’s apartment when he was at work. “I still had the keys of his apartment after we broke up, and as I knew his habits and schedule, I just sneaked into his apartment to do a little sorting. He was a maniac, very tidy, so I basically put everything out of its place and left. I felt really relieved after this” she said.

Then, there’s the kiss and tell. An ex-friend of mine used to talk shit on his ex’s once it was over, even if they don’t deserve it. In fact, none of his ex’s deserved that. He was criticizing the way they kiss, their choice of clothes, perfume, their new guys, how bad they were in bed,… He did this even if he broke up with them. I asked him why he had to do this everytime it was over, and he just replied that I should stop being such a feminist (!). You can now imagine why I’m not friend with him anymore…

Women too are able to bash their ex lovers like that. Another friend of mine (which isn’t a true misogynist for a change) once dated a woman he thought at first was absolutely charming.” I invited her to the restaurant, and by the time the dishes arrived at our table, she had managed to criticize every of her ex’s, revealing very intimate details about them I didn’t want to know. I just paid the bill and never called her back afterwards” he said. “I could imagine her talking like that about me, and this really turned me off” he added.

For sure, dating such people warns you you could be the next on the list.

In the different forms of revenge on your ex, kiss and tell is probably one of the meanest ways to do this. The worst is of course when you start to hurt physically your ex, or imitate Lorena Bobbit. But revealing intimate details about your ex is a betrayal. There’s nothing worse than to be betrayed by someone you loved (or had feelings for). And it just shows how insecure you are.

So, would you do that to your ex? And would you date someone who has such a reputation?

 

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