broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The feelings after a breakup

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After a breakup, we don’t deal the same way with our emotions. It depends on the way the breakup happened. If the breakup was mutual because you realised you don’t love each other anymore, you can feel released and free. It’s not the same when the breakup wasn’t mutual.

One of my friends doesn’t deal well with a breakup. Usually, she sees all the men she dated turn cold and avoid her, until they say it’s over. And it drives her nuts. She sends to her ex’s many many messages. She stalks them on social medias, and comments every post. She’s jealous every time a woman post a comment on her ex’s profile. But it’s her way to deal with the breakup, because after three months of harassment, she usually realised she doesn’t feel anything for her ex’s anymore. Maybe it’s a way for her to understand it’s really over. But I suspect her ex’s help her in some ways, by not replying to her messages, by telling her to leave them alone, and by unfriending her on Facebook and other social medias. Has she found someone who would rebel against her behaviour but found this exciting, she would have had difficult to move on.

Some people feel rage against their ex when it’s over. But it’s kind of normal if the breakup was brutal, and if our ex didn’t take any glove to tell us it’s over. For example, if the breakup happens after an argument. Or if your future ex tells you he/she found some one else. You feel as if  the world collapsed below your feet. It’s difficult to remain calm after this.  Some people will try to harm their ex, while other will just cry. Some people can feel depressed after a painful breakup. They don’t want to go out anymore, and live in the numbness in the background.

This phase is temporary. Most of us jump back on our feet after that. If it’s not  the case, maybe it’s the sign you’re into depression. Seek help.

Some people will try to get back with their ex. They will try to get her/him jealous, or beg their ex to take them back. But it’s not a good strategy, because even if our ex comes back into our life, it will be because he/she feels jealous or guilty. Needless to say, it’s a shaky and fragile ground to start back your relationship. It’s against all odds. Especially if your ex left you for someone else. Chances are he/she’s in love, and won’t hesitate to ignore you.

What’s the best way to deal with a nasty break up? Cry if you want, go cut his tires, trash his garden, … But then, focus on yourself. Spend time with your friend, find a new hobby, hit the gym, give your time for those in needs,…In all cases, spend your time away from your ex. It won’t help you to move on if you’re constantly hooked to your ex. You may realise you neglected your friends and  family, too numb by the breakup.

And no, women are not idiot because they can’t deal well with a breakup like my friend. It’s just their way of dealing with the breakup. Men may stay calm after a breakup, but their feeling will pinch them sooner or later.

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

Ghosting, the break up 2.0

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Breaking up in the era of dating app has never been so simple. You simply avoid to answer any message anymore to your date if you were disappointed or if you have a better option. It’s called ghosting. But it’s acceptable if your relationship is not very far with your date, especially after just one date.

In 2014, the Huffington Post did a survey among 1000 people, and 11% of them answered they ghosted their ex. 13% of them said they were ghosted. If you had a lot of dates thanks to Tinder, Happn, match.com, … it may be an explanation to this. I’ve done it myself after many dates disappointing and I also have been ghosted by some of the guys I met through dating sites. It’s not a big deal, because you know it’s not the end of the world. Your life doesn’t change that much after a date which was disappointing.

But if your relationship lasted over one date, ghosting is not so acceptable anymore. But it depends. Ghosting is not answering your messages anymore, but it can happen that for a reason, you don’t answer your messages for some days.  The most obvious example is if you’re hospitalized after an accident or if you’re stuck in an area where the connection is very bad. And there are special cases. “One of my ex’s used to disappear for weeks where he would never answer back my messages and calls. But he always came back until I was fed up with his behavior” one of my friends told me.

What if your long term partner doesn’t answer his/her messages anymore, and plays dead?

A friend of mine said her husband suddenly disappeared. But she called everyone in his circle to know where he was. His parents didn’t know, some of his friends either. But after three days, one of his friends called her to say her husband was at his place. So she cornered him to have an explanation. “His friend didn’t say I was coming. And he let us alone to have an explanation. Yes, he was trapped. But at least, we got a proper break up” she said.

Unless you disappear in a place where none of your friends and family know, on a island with no population, it’s difficult to escape your partner. So, ghosting has a limit.

If you’re in a long term relationship, you probably know all of his friends and family. If not, then, he/she may be lying to you. Your common circle can prevent you to get ghosted by your significant other.

Yes, you can be ghosted. But it’s also your fault if you let your significant other go away without any explanation.

This says it all if you let things end like that after a long term relationship.

But I don’t say if you’re threatened or if you fear your partner you should have an explanation with him/her about your will to call it quits. A letter, an SMS, something distant, may be enough, for your own safety.

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broken heart, life, love

The double life

Recently, one of my friends announced her sister was divorcing. “She accepted the invitation to go on holiday with one of her friends who is single. It was just for a week. When she came back home, she noticed her home smelled bad because all the doors and windows remained closed during her week away. Nothing had changed since she left. And nothing was in the dishwasher, as if her husband wasn’t there at all. Her husband didn’t say anything to her. But he remained silent during the evening. It was 2AM when she woke up and decided to wake her daughter as she wanted to go to our parents’ house. As she brought her daughter to her car, her husband woke up, and wondered what she was doing. She started to scream at him and asked him to tell her what was wrong. He told her he had a lover, who was 14 years older than him and her. He spent the week with her. He told my sister she is the love of his life, and said they should divorced” my friend said. “He started his affair four months ago. He told my sister he lied to her when he had meetings. He even brought their daughter to her house to see if she was able to get along with her sons” she added.

Of course, her sister is devastated for the moment. But I bet her future ex-husband’s love story will turn sour sooner or later.

His double life didn’t last for long. But for some people, the double life can last a long time.

Have you got a double life? Many people have one” one of my friends asked me a long time ago. It was during a dinner where we drank too much. But I still remember this conversation because it took me by surprise.

But what is a double life?

A double life is having two lives, one of which you do not want others to know about. A lover, kept secret, is part of that double life. But some people just keep a part of their life secret to their family and friends, for various reasons. I recently read the review of a film about voguers, an urban dance that grew out of New York in the gay community in the 80’s. Some of these dancers keep their activity secret because they risk to lose everything if they are discovered, including their life.

But secrets are hard to keep over a long time. Eventually, the truth will come out.

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life, love, relationships

Use somebody

“Someone like you and all you know and how you speak”

Kings of Leon, Use somebody

Recently, one of my friends ended his four year relationship with his significant other. He met her during a cocktail party a long time ago, and she became friend with him.

My friend, although he’s very clever, has a weakness with the opposite sex. He has been fooled many times, and he still hasn’t learned from his mistakes.

After his divorce, he started a relationship with her. Men can’t stay single for long after a divorce, while for women, it’s often different. Some of my female friends have stayed single for long after their divorce, sometimes ten years, before jumping again in a new relationship.

His new significant other used to be a politician’s wife. He died of cancer a long time ago. She has a status of “femme du monde”, like we say here, designating women who are regular guests to banquets and cocktails party organized for the high society. They are also rich, sometimes famous, but not because of what they have accomplished. Usually, they appear on people magazine pages, dedicated to mundane cocktails and painting exhibitions. Not because they have published a book, nor won a tennis tournament, nor saved people,…  In my country, several magazines have some pages where you can see “important” people at business clubs, country clubs, art exhibition inaugural parties, … One of them tried to get rid of it, but it received so many complaints from readers it had to put those pages back on.

As a well respected intellectual figure, my friend was also invited to those events. He’s brilliant, so he has no problem attracting women (and men). Usually, people just listen to him with admiration.

That’s how he met her.

Several times during his relationship with her, he told me he was unhappy, because she was hysterical. She was mean with his daughter. He said she banned her from her house. He feared her.

Yet, curiously, he started to appear in people magazines, alongside her. Later, he told me it was her initiative, as she wanted to have her picture in those magazines.

In other words, she used him and his celebrity to get access to fame.

He only realized this recently. He had a difficult year last year, because of his job, and also a lawsuit. Sometimes, we need a shock in our life to realize what’s wrong with it.

She sounds like a manipulative personality. It’s not easy to get out of such a toxic relationship.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The book of revenge

In France,  the french president’s ex -girlfriend has just published a tell-all book. It’s the first time an actual president is served with a book written by someone who lived with him. Nicolas Sarkozy, the former president, got also served with a book written by his ex-wife, but he wasn’t the president anymore when it was published last year.

Valerie Trierweiler, the ex-girlfriend, was dumped at the beginning of this year, after a tabloid published pictures of her man and his mistress on the first day of the year. It was a nasty break up. And a very humiliating experience for her. But apparently, he was often humiliating her during their relationship. And like Cecilia Sarkozy before her, she served him with very passive-agressive behaviors, like the tweet she wrote against her ex’ex wife. But she didn’t disappear during international events like Cecilia Sarkozy, who didn’t vote, didn’t show when her husband was invited by  George W. Bush, or who showed almost in jeans and casual outfit at a gala with him. I guess Trierwieler didn’t have the time to do that.

But her book is also a passive-agressive behavior. And it shows she’s still under his control. Because by writing this book, she just gives him more power, even if she tried to diminish him by telling how awful he was with her.

For sure, this will impact François Hollande’s popularity, which is already at the lowest point among all the french presidents. But I’m not sure it will help her at all.

Another ex-mistress wrote a tell-all book about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former IMF director, and former Exchequer of France. DSK tried to cancel the release of the book, but he lost in court. Almost one year after, she wrote a new book. The story is about a woman who got revenge against a man who brutalized her… But most writers keep on writing about the same theme, even if they disguise it. I read “Sevère” by Regis Jauffret, a writer who likes to write about tragic real life events.  There are countless examples.

But writing a book to forget someone is a wrong idea. Because it will always remind you of him. And haunt you for the rest of your life.

Yet, I guess Valerie Trierwieler got courted by every publisher because let’s say it,  it’s not common to see a president dumping his wife or girlfriend during  his mandate. Cecilia Sarkozy, now Attias, left her ex because she had enough. And she stayed out of the media light during the rest of her ex-husband’s mandate. There was curiosity around Trierwieler. Since the beginning of the year, every media was still after her. Everyone was speculating about a tell-all book. From the beginning, her relationship with François Hollande had been scandalous. She’s a journalist. A political journalist, who used to write stories about him. It was a strange union.

We, journalists,  can get burned.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Different needs

Recently, a friend of mine told me she had a huge fight with her man. They have been together for almost two years now, and my friend wants them to live together, because so far, they have seen each other only on the weekends, and live at the opposite side of the town. My friend said she’s getting old and wants to start a family. But when she told him about her projects, he backed off. “He said he’s too immature to have a kid” she said.

Since then, she’s been a little bit sad. She told me she didn’t bring this topic again in their conversation. “If in the next 6 months, he doesn’t show any interest in changing our life, I guess I would have to call it quits with him” she added.

Indeed, it would have been easier for her if he shared the same project. But from the start, from what she said to me, it has been very complicated between the two.

She met him on a dating site. Their first date was a little bit awkward to me, because she said he was very shy and let her do all the talking. She wasn’t expecting to see him again afterwards, but he asked her for a second date, and then, they became official. “It’s going slowly” she told me. But I never got the impression he was really fond of her, nor he was the one who was chasing her.

I told her I’m not a good example for relationships, but most of my ex’s, after more or less 6 months of dating, gave me the key to their apartment, make some rooms in their drawers for my clothes and stuffs, and wanted me to move in with them. It didn’t turn out well afterwards, but they did try to commit a little bit with me.

One of them even told me that we would get married and have two kids together. He was the one who initiated this. I didn’t ask for anything. So I told my friend she may need to find a man who will really want to commit.

I would have preferred if she told me she was the one who was hesitating because of his attempts to be with her. Plus, I was a bit worried at the beginning he wouldn’t be a great match for her, as he doesn’t like to travel (he has never left France before meeting her) and isn’t supporting her as a journalist.

Once, we were at a party together, and she seemed to have a great time with a common friend, who’s a goofy guy with a great sense of humor, while he’s never trying to make her laugh like our friend. It did occur to me they would have made a better couple. And our goofy friend was in the middle of a nasty break up. Yet, when he sees her, he’s just happy. It’s not really the case of her actual boyfriend.

So, if he’s not proposing you to live with him, I guess it’s not worth staying with him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Crisis hinder divorces

In my country, the number of divorces has increased for the first time since 2008. According to notaries, the number of divorces has doubled since 2012. Notaries explain that the crisis has hindered people to get divorced. Now that the perspective for the global economy are getting positive, people don’t fear to lose their job and their income, so they don’t hesitate to divorce.

Why do we divorce so much?

As some of my friends say, the real rebels nowadays are those who stay married until death do them part.

Around me, I don’t know many couples who fall into this category.

Recently, I was attending an award. The man sitting next to me told me that one of the winners married  his high school sweetheart and never left her. And he’s very old.

So, one of my friends told me I should get married now, as an act of rebellion. But to be honest, I don’t think I can expect a ring from the one I want to get married to, although he says he loves me to death.

The thin hope I have comes from a friend of mine, who struggled for years to get married. Her man left her for another woman. She dated many men, but always came back to him. Eventually, he realized she was the one for him. But it took him years to realize this.

Like I said in a previous post, there’s only one person we run to. And sometimes, it takes time to see the obvious signs.

We make a lot of mistakes when it comes to love. Hence, the high rate of divorces. But some of us learn from our mistakes. And do manage to find the right person for them, even if it takes them several attempts to do so.

 

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