broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Good riddance

According to statistics, the weeks just before Christmas see most couples to break up. I had a very recent example of that. Three days before Christmas, one of my friends’ mother lost her mind and flew away the country. My friend was left with her father and her two sisters organizing their Christmas dinner, which was nothing but sadness as she told me.  Her mom came back two days ago, and she asked for a divorce.

As the year ends, people often ponder about what went wrong in their life and what they want to change for the next year. In New York, on Time Square, there’s a box where you can drop a letter mentioning the thing you want to get rid off.

For some people, the wish is to get rid of their loneliness. But some also choose to get rid off a relationship.

We can get rid off a friend or a lover because he/she’s not treating us well. After all, true friendship and love should make you happy. If you feel miserable all of the time, it’s not worth pursuing the relationship.

The lover who’s never there, bring you down when you tell him/her about the difficult day you had, receive all your attentions but never reciprocate, get violent with you, criticize all of your choices,… isn’t worth your love.

The same goes with your friends.

So, I wish you a happy New Year. And a fresh start.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Healing over you

When do we know when we’re over for good from our ex? According to the people around me, we know we’re over when we can confront him/ her and feel nothing in particular. But this is really tough.

And it also depends a lot on how the relationship ended. If the relationship ended on a mutual agreement, it could be easier. But it’s not easy at all.

One of my friends managed to get over her ex. But she told me she needed a lot of time apart from him to realize she was over him for good. “And you should never rule out that because you moved on, you’re not attracted to him anymore” she said. “Once, I went at his place, and he opened the door in his towel. He just got out of the shower. I yelled at him to put some clothes on, because, damned, he’s still hot” she added.

What not to do is to stay in your ex’s life. “Three days after our break up, I called him and told him I missed him a lot and had a hard time getting over him. He told me to come at his place so we could talk. When I arrived, he looked at me, kissed me, and we made love. But when it was over, he told me that he regretted what we had done and that I should take my distance with him. I was devastated” K., 34, said.

En plus, if he left you for someone else, this is certainly not an option. Not only you can be bitter about this, but also, you can validate his choice. Which is even worse.

He left me for one of his coworkers. I was so pissed that I couldn’t help criticizing openly whenever he came to pick our children. He got so mad at me for doing so that we fought a lot during our divorce procedure and I nearly lost the battle for keeping our kids. Plus, he married his coworker“P., 40, said.

Time heals the wounds. But sometimes, time isn’t enough to dampen the strong bond you had. “I cut all contacts with him after he told me he wanted to end our relationship because I was too young for him. Four months later, I accidentally bumped into him in a meeting. I didn’t want to talk to him. But he pursued me in the hall and asked me if we could have a coffee together. I accepted. He told me he missed me and he realized he made a mistake by leaving me. He asked me to come back. But I didn’t want to get hurt again, so I told him I wasn’t sure at all. The next morning, he was down at my apartment, with a huge bouquet and a sign saying I’m sorry. I decided to take him back” H.,34, said.

And even years later, some former lovers decide to rekindle their relationship. I guess true love goes through the years.

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Sever the ties

After a break up, the wisest thing to do is to spend time way apart from our ex. It’s important to do so, because otherwise, we can have our heart broken again.

The distance is important to help us move on.  It’s also a reminder that the one we loved and who broke our heart isn’t the center of the universe.

Taking your distance implies cutting all contacts with your ex for a while. It will help you to grieve your past relationship. Let’s be honest, when it’s over, we can feel a wide range of emotions, going from sadness, to anger, to hope and desperation. But we have to go through this grieving and unpleasant period to get over our past relationship. Because it helps us getting in touch with ourselves.

A broken heart also gives you a strange energy. In adverse times, we all develop mechanisms of survival.  A broken heart can give us pain chest and weaken our body.  But our body responds against this.

Some people used that energy to start something new. Look at Steve Jobs. When he got fired from Apple in the 80’s, he bounced back and founded Pixar, then NeXT, only to come back with a vengeance at Apple years later, to save the company.

The singer Adele also used her broken heart to write her best selling album, 21. These examples are numerous.

That’s why it’s important to find something to do, something you like but you never had the time to do because you were in a relationship, when it’s over.

And this is only possible if we sever the ties with our ex.

But sometimes, it’s hard to really take a distance with our ex. Today, I got reminded on how difficult to forget completely about my ex. When we evolve in the same professional circle or have a family with our ex, cutting all contacts can be difficult. But it’s possible to limit the exchanges to the minimum with our ex.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The blind side

Recently, a friend of mine told me the incredible story of her cousin, who just got divorced. She got married only for one month when she decided to call it quits with her husband. The reason? She discovered he was gay and spent his night getting fist fucked in dark corners of the town.

My friend said her cousin was devastated. But she also wondered how come she didn’t notice that before getting married. She just said her cousin was not confident when she met her future ex-husband, because she was a little bit overweighted. Since this shock, she has lost a dramatic amount of weight. But she made the decision not to talk to her ex ever.

My friend didn’t recall how she met her future ex-husband. But I guess he probably told her the things she needed to hear at the time. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have stayed that long. For the rest, I also guess she made the most common mistake we all do during a relationship: not taking seriously the little weird details we spot in our significant other.  Usually, the light of our life can give us hints about who they really are. An example? “My ex had really weird habits and changed his mind all of the time about everything and everyone.  He was 40, but acted like a child. At the beginning of our relationship, I found this absolutely charming. But then, I realized I couldn’t never count on him. Everytime I needed his help to do something, he would criticize me and my project, and never gave me a hand”  G., 34, said. “He was always up to see gay films festivals in the town, and once told me it would be exciting to have sex with a man” T., 35, said.

 A more famous example of this is the actual first lady of France. I recently read an article about one of her ex’s, a famous lawyer whose family is known for defending the Jews and condemning former nazis. The article just said he was still living with his parents, rode a bicycle, and was still a child in his heart. It quoted him saying that he was never as happy when he was surrounded with his sister and his family around a simple lunch in their home. In other words, there was simply no place for a woman in his life. I guess the first lady of France didn’t pay attention to these little important details. She may have convinced herself their couple was great when they got out together among their community of friends, artists and lawyers.

Sometimes, we simply refuse to see the truth as it is, and tell ourselves lies. For example, we can excuse his past mistakes because we think we all make mistakes. But people don’t change that much. “When I met him, he told me he was divorcing. He also told me he had a daughter, but she was a love child. He also told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex for two years and had several lovers before finally breaking it up for good with her. I just thought it was his past, and that it wouldn’t affect our relationship. But I didn’t realize he was still seeing his wife, and wasn’t really divorcing” R., 36, said. Ok, if he tells you when he was very young, he did a very bad thing like burning all his GI Joe to see what it looked like once melted, this is forgivable.

Another hint is how he talks about women and especially his ex’s. If he says they were all wacko, maybe you should worry. But if he’s still talk a lot about one of his ex’s, it should also worry you.

All in all, we often don’t want to see the truth right away in our relationship. But sooner of later, it will come back with a vengeance and leaves us with a broken heart.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dear M.

 

Let’s start a new kind of posts in here. Since I started this blog, I have received some emails asking me for advice on love and life. The people who wrote them have allowed me to publish them. V. sent me this one a few days ago:

“I’m 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That’s disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I’m still searching. I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I’m terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I’ve lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwords. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, calmly got up and walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.The resounding whack caught everyone’s attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I’m not becoming psychotic. I didn’t think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it’s just so difficult to do.In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I’m still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, but I’m not quite sure what to do about it”

And this is what I replied to V.: 

“For your professional life, maybe this article could help you out.
For your personal life, I can understand you feel frustrated about your last relationship even if you weren’t heart broken. That move wasn’t really nice coming from him, and really hurtful. Apologizing to him? Well, if you feel guilty about this, then you should do it. One of my friends is the same age as you, and hasn’t found her prince charming like you. I know sometimes she feels desperate about this, and had also a lot of disappointments with men. Yet, recently, she decided she doesn’t need necessarily a man to be happy. She bought her house on her own and thinks now about adopting a child. Do you want to follow her path? Or do you really want a man to make you happy? In the end, only you can make you happy. I really believe the rest will follow”
What do you think? Any word of wisdom is welcomed here 🙂
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Hungry heart

bouffe.jpg

I read this article yesterday in the New York Times about the impact of diatery differences on our relationship. This is becoming a real issue nowadays as we define ourselves more and more by what we eat. Food, or our diet, has transformed into a matter like religion or money. And intolerance can go really far: some vegans would never date a carnivore, nor anyone who has consumed something coming from the animals, including honey. Some carnivores would never date a vegetarian, or worse for them, a vegan. But again, it really depends on how we accept to compromise on this subject.

My sister, who is a carnivore, but not a true one (if she doesn’t eat meat for a week, it doesn’t matter that much for her) lives with her man who is a vegetarian, but again, not a true one. He eats fish, but not meat. She has adapted to his diet because it didn’t demand her too much effort: she has always preferred eating fish than meat. If they go to the restaurant, she can eat whatever she wants, he would be offended at all. This diatery difference only bothers my mom, who finds it difficult to prepare a meal for all of us without meat or poultry.

One of my friends is allergic to gluten. She told me she would find it difficult to date someone who can’t help eating bread, at least bread all the time. “It’s just that if I kiss him just after he finished eating pasta, or bread, it will make me sick. Otherwise, I can accept it” she said.

Another one was raised by her parents, true vegetarians, but she never accepted this diet. Each time we went out for dinner when we were younger, she would order meat at the restaurant. She was always the first to ask in our group to go eating pittas, hamburgers, … She always told me she could never date a vegetarian or a vegan because of that. “I was restricted from a lot of food when I lived with my parents, and I couldn’t imagine dating a vegetarian who would tell me not to eat meat because it just makes you tired all the time or makes you smell bizarrely” she said. She’s now married to a carnivore, and really happy. He has just to adapt his diet when they pay a visit to her parents, occasionally.

Sometimes, it’s not the diet or the food that cause the problem, it’s just the way we eat. I remember I was particularly disgusted to see D. eating, because 1) he would always eat the same thing: spaghetti carbonara 2) he would eat all the time. I don’t mind big eaters, but there’s a way to eat properly, and not just stuffing yourself. I consider that as debasing. One of my friends also told me she can be disgusted by the way a man can eat, and that she would have no remorse getting rid of him if he eats like a pig.

Also, some men will judge women by the way they eat. Some can’t stand picky women or those who just eat one salad and are happy with it. The reverse is also true for women. “My ex would always criticize what I cooked for him. I had a list of meals I could make and a list I certainly can’t cook and this one was really long compared to the other. Once, I had to leave him for a two weeks seminar abroad, and I left him with all kind of processed food I could find in the supermarket. When I came back from my trip, he told me he haven’t eaten so well for a long time. It turned into a huge fight, and we decided to call it quits. Now, my man doesn’t complain at all about my meals, and it could make me more happier” H., 35, said.

Like the article said, sharing meals is a metaphor of love. For some people, it really matters.

So, do you mind if your partner’s vegan/vegetarian/carnivore while you’re not? And do you mind if he/she’s picky with food or eats like a pig?

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A shining light

The best revenge you can have on you ex is to look good“. This advice seems shallow, but if you really think about it, not really. Most of the women I know told me that if they have to cross roads again with their ex’s, those they haven’t seen for a long time (over ten years), they wish their ex’s would find them still attractive, or even more attractive than when they were ten years younger. This is especially true when, as a teenager, you had a bit of a problem with acne/ weight/ looks. “When we were dating, we were 16 year old. At that time, I wore glasses that I hated and had a bit of excess weight. I wasn’t exactly what we called a true beauty. But now, I got rid of my spectacles thanks to a laser surgery and lost all those excess kilos” H., 30, recalls. “I met my high school ex last year at one of my friends’ wedding, and I was really happy when he just looked at me as if he was stunned. The first words he had towards me was wow, you look so great. I couldn’t feel more flattered” she said.

This takes a whole new dimension when you were dumped like a old sock or for another woman. “I got dumped by him many years ago for another chick. I knew a few months ago that they have broken up. I decided that if I saw him again, I would make him beg to take him back. And fortunately for me, I got this occasion when I got back in the town we used to live. I slept with him, and then disappeared for good. I had a boost of confidence after that” P., 32, admits. “He dumped me eleven years ago and said that I wasn’t pretty enough. Two years ago, I met him in a club where he just told me he made a mistake and that I was really, really beautiful. I don’t know if he was sincere with me, but I just feel I had my revenge on him”K., 31, said.

Of course, this kind of situation doesn’t happen all the time. “Compared to what I was when I was 16, I have put on a little weight now, and I would hate to see my ex’s from that period” N., 29, said. “My biggest fear is to bump into my ex now, and noticing he’s married with a beautiful lady while I’m still desperate to find my prince charming” M., 31, said.

So, would you appreciate to see your ex you haven’t seen for a long time and to hear him/her saying you look great now?

 

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