broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The blind side

Recently, a friend of mine told me the incredible story of her cousin, who just got divorced. She got married only for one month when she decided to call it quits with her husband. The reason? She discovered he was gay and spent his night getting fist fucked in dark corners of the town.

My friend said her cousin was devastated. But she also wondered how come she didn’t notice that before getting married. She just said her cousin was not confident when she met her future ex-husband, because she was a little bit overweighted. Since this shock, she has lost a dramatic amount of weight. But she made the decision not to talk to her ex ever.

My friend didn’t recall how she met her future ex-husband. But I guess he probably told her the things she needed to hear at the time. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have stayed that long. For the rest, I also guess she made the most common mistake we all do during a relationship: not taking seriously the little weird details we spot in our significant other.  Usually, the light of our life can give us hints about who they really are. An example? “My ex had really weird habits and changed his mind all of the time about everything and everyone.  He was 40, but acted like a child. At the beginning of our relationship, I found this absolutely charming. But then, I realized I couldn’t never count on him. Everytime I needed his help to do something, he would criticize me and my project, and never gave me a hand”  G., 34, said. “He was always up to see gay films festivals in the town, and once told me it would be exciting to have sex with a man” T., 35, said.

 A more famous example of this is the actual first lady of France. I recently read an article about one of her ex’s, a famous lawyer whose family is known for defending the Jews and condemning former nazis. The article just said he was still living with his parents, rode a bicycle, and was still a child in his heart. It quoted him saying that he was never as happy when he was surrounded with his sister and his family around a simple lunch in their home. In other words, there was simply no place for a woman in his life. I guess the first lady of France didn’t pay attention to these little important details. She may have convinced herself their couple was great when they got out together among their community of friends, artists and lawyers.

Sometimes, we simply refuse to see the truth as it is, and tell ourselves lies. For example, we can excuse his past mistakes because we think we all make mistakes. But people don’t change that much. “When I met him, he told me he was divorcing. He also told me he had a daughter, but she was a love child. He also told me he wasn’t sleeping with his ex for two years and had several lovers before finally breaking it up for good with her. I just thought it was his past, and that it wouldn’t affect our relationship. But I didn’t realize he was still seeing his wife, and wasn’t really divorcing” R., 36, said. Ok, if he tells you when he was very young, he did a very bad thing like burning all his GI Joe to see what it looked like once melted, this is forgivable.

Another hint is how he talks about women and especially his ex’s. If he says they were all wacko, maybe you should worry. But if he’s still talk a lot about one of his ex’s, it should also worry you.

All in all, we often don’t want to see the truth right away in our relationship. But sooner of later, it will come back with a vengeance and leaves us with a broken heart.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dear M.

 

Let’s start a new kind of posts in here. Since I started this blog, I have received some emails asking me for advice on love and life. The people who wrote them have allowed me to publish them. V. sent me this one a few days ago:

“I’m 38 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis. I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That’s disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 38 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I’m still searching. I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I’m terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.It happened last week. We met at a cafe and after finishing dinner he decided to break the news. In my old age I’ve lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor and the whole premeditated, choreographed way he planned things. For instance, he had me meet him there rather than going there together, obviously so we would go our separate ways afterwords. The moment got the best of me and my frustration took over. I sarcastically thanked him for the dinner, calmly got up and walked over to his side of the table and then WHAP! I slapped him across the face and stormed out.The resounding whack caught everyone’s attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I hope I’m not becoming psychotic. I didn’t think I was capable of such behavior. I should swallow my pride and call him to apologize but it’s just so difficult to do.In retrospect, maybe I was more frustrated with myself than with him. The fact that I’m still unattached at 38 and just got dumped in public by someone five years my junior is not very inspiring. I really do feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life, but I’m not quite sure what to do about it”

And this is what I replied to V.: 

“For your professional life, maybe this article could help you out.
For your personal life, I can understand you feel frustrated about your last relationship even if you weren’t heart broken. That move wasn’t really nice coming from him, and really hurtful. Apologizing to him? Well, if you feel guilty about this, then you should do it. One of my friends is the same age as you, and hasn’t found her prince charming like you. I know sometimes she feels desperate about this, and had also a lot of disappointments with men. Yet, recently, she decided she doesn’t need necessarily a man to be happy. She bought her house on her own and thinks now about adopting a child. Do you want to follow her path? Or do you really want a man to make you happy? In the end, only you can make you happy. I really believe the rest will follow”
What do you think? Any word of wisdom is welcomed here 🙂
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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Hungry heart

bouffe.jpg

I read this article yesterday in the New York Times about the impact of diatery differences on our relationship. This is becoming a real issue nowadays as we define ourselves more and more by what we eat. Food, or our diet, has transformed into a matter like religion or money. And intolerance can go really far: some vegans would never date a carnivore, nor anyone who has consumed something coming from the animals, including honey. Some carnivores would never date a vegetarian, or worse for them, a vegan. But again, it really depends on how we accept to compromise on this subject.

My sister, who is a carnivore, but not a true one (if she doesn’t eat meat for a week, it doesn’t matter that much for her) lives with her man who is a vegetarian, but again, not a true one. He eats fish, but not meat. She has adapted to his diet because it didn’t demand her too much effort: she has always preferred eating fish than meat. If they go to the restaurant, she can eat whatever she wants, he would be offended at all. This diatery difference only bothers my mom, who finds it difficult to prepare a meal for all of us without meat or poultry.

One of my friends is allergic to gluten. She told me she would find it difficult to date someone who can’t help eating bread, at least bread all the time. “It’s just that if I kiss him just after he finished eating pasta, or bread, it will make me sick. Otherwise, I can accept it” she said.

Another one was raised by her parents, true vegetarians, but she never accepted this diet. Each time we went out for dinner when we were younger, she would order meat at the restaurant. She was always the first to ask in our group to go eating pittas, hamburgers, … She always told me she could never date a vegetarian or a vegan because of that. “I was restricted from a lot of food when I lived with my parents, and I couldn’t imagine dating a vegetarian who would tell me not to eat meat because it just makes you tired all the time or makes you smell bizarrely” she said. She’s now married to a carnivore, and really happy. He has just to adapt his diet when they pay a visit to her parents, occasionally.

Sometimes, it’s not the diet or the food that cause the problem, it’s just the way we eat. I remember I was particularly disgusted to see D. eating, because 1) he would always eat the same thing: spaghetti carbonara 2) he would eat all the time. I don’t mind big eaters, but there’s a way to eat properly, and not just stuffing yourself. I consider that as debasing. One of my friends also told me she can be disgusted by the way a man can eat, and that she would have no remorse getting rid of him if he eats like a pig.

Also, some men will judge women by the way they eat. Some can’t stand picky women or those who just eat one salad and are happy with it. The reverse is also true for women. “My ex would always criticize what I cooked for him. I had a list of meals I could make and a list I certainly can’t cook and this one was really long compared to the other. Once, I had to leave him for a two weeks seminar abroad, and I left him with all kind of processed food I could find in the supermarket. When I came back from my trip, he told me he haven’t eaten so well for a long time. It turned into a huge fight, and we decided to call it quits. Now, my man doesn’t complain at all about my meals, and it could make me more happier” H., 35, said.

Like the article said, sharing meals is a metaphor of love. For some people, it really matters.

So, do you mind if your partner’s vegan/vegetarian/carnivore while you’re not? And do you mind if he/she’s picky with food or eats like a pig?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

A shining light

The best revenge you can have on you ex is to look good“. This advice seems shallow, but if you really think about it, not really. Most of the women I know told me that if they have to cross roads again with their ex’s, those they haven’t seen for a long time (over ten years), they wish their ex’s would find them still attractive, or even more attractive than when they were ten years younger. This is especially true when, as a teenager, you had a bit of a problem with acne/ weight/ looks. “When we were dating, we were 16 year old. At that time, I wore glasses that I hated and had a bit of excess weight. I wasn’t exactly what we called a true beauty. But now, I got rid of my spectacles thanks to a laser surgery and lost all those excess kilos” H., 30, recalls. “I met my high school ex last year at one of my friends’ wedding, and I was really happy when he just looked at me as if he was stunned. The first words he had towards me was wow, you look so great. I couldn’t feel more flattered” she said.

This takes a whole new dimension when you were dumped like a old sock or for another woman. “I got dumped by him many years ago for another chick. I knew a few months ago that they have broken up. I decided that if I saw him again, I would make him beg to take him back. And fortunately for me, I got this occasion when I got back in the town we used to live. I slept with him, and then disappeared for good. I had a boost of confidence after that” P., 32, admits. “He dumped me eleven years ago and said that I wasn’t pretty enough. Two years ago, I met him in a club where he just told me he made a mistake and that I was really, really beautiful. I don’t know if he was sincere with me, but I just feel I had my revenge on him”K., 31, said.

Of course, this kind of situation doesn’t happen all the time. “Compared to what I was when I was 16, I have put on a little weight now, and I would hate to see my ex’s from that period” N., 29, said. “My biggest fear is to bump into my ex now, and noticing he’s married with a beautiful lady while I’m still desperate to find my prince charming” M., 31, said.

So, would you appreciate to see your ex you haven’t seen for a long time and to hear him/her saying you look great now?

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, video, women

Comfortably numb

Recently, a French singer’s wife filed for divorce because of his addiction to poker. I guess it wasn’t the addiction itself that pushed her to end her marriage with him, but more the fact that she felt completely left out or secondary feels in this relationship. This raises a question: is it possible to live and have a happy relationship with someone who’s an addict?

Yes and no. It depends on the kind of addiction and on your level of tolerance toward it. For example, smoking is considered as an addiction, but it still possible to live a happy relationship with a smoker, even if you’re a non-smoker.  Some people can’t stand dating a smoker, while other wouldn’t care about this little detail. “I can’t understand the non-smokers that date or live with a smoker”once said a friend of mine, who is allergic to tobacco. “My husband smokes a lot, but I’ve established rules in our house: he must smoke outside the house, and he can’t smoke when he’s next to me. I would never change him for a non-smoker, though. This is the man I love, and this is just a little compromise”H., 35, said.

Smoking is the kind of addictions that has little consequences on your couple (except if your companion is stricken with lung cancer because of his/her frequent consumption of cigarettes throughout the year).

Other addictions, on the other hand, can have huge aftermaths on a relationship. The most obvious example is drug addiction. “My ex-husband had a huge problem with cocaine. He started to take this drug to handle the pressure of his job, and it soon began to develop into an addiction. It wasn’t the consumption itself that was the problem, but the side-effects of it. He became paranoid and really unstable, I didn’t recognize him anymore. Since he wasn’t the person I married anymore, I had no other choice than to divorce”P., 40, said. Alcohol has the same downward effects on the addict. Two of my colleagues were married to men who became dipsomaniac to a point where they completely ruined their professional and private life. One of them is now a tramp. Yet, these are dramatic examples. “My husband had a problem with alcohol, but he understood he had a problem and sought treatment for that. I must say that if he hadn’t stop drinking, I don’t know if I would be at his side now”K., 37, said.

Then, there are other compulsions too that can rotten a relationship. Problem gambling, porn movie addiction, computer addiction,… the list can be long.  A friend of mine broke up with her man because he spent more time with his computer than with her. “He wouldn’t go out anymore, every free time he had, he would spend it on his computer plauing games. He didn’t care about me, so I just left him” she said.

Of course, these addictions can be cured. This simple hope pushes the addict’s companion to stay in the relationship. “If he had chosen to get some help, maybe I would have stayed with him. But he didn’t want to receive any treatment. I saw him taking the road to hell: he would disappear for day without telling me where he was, he provoked several accidents because he was driving under influence, he was violent when he was drunk,… He left me no choice”M., 41, said.

So, which addiction would you tolerate in your companion? And which one would be a turn off?

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blogging, broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, wacky, women

Selfless, cold and composed

In one episode of Sex and the City, Charlotte York has the idea to organize a party where her female friends would bring a man they have no feelings for because “a man that doesn’t please one woman could make another one happy”.

So, this makes me think: would we all be able to bring one of our ex’s  in a party like that? I’m not sure. Personally, there are some of my ex’s I wouldn’t recommend even to my worst enemy, so I would answer no to this question. But there are some of them  that just leave me cold and not true assholes, and I guess they would do the trick for a party like that.  And when I asked the question around me, the answers went more or less like this:

  1. Some women told me they could bring some of their ex’s to a party like that because they remained friends with them, but recognized he wasn’t just the right man for them because they had different centers of interest, different tastes for everything, different views on life,… “I broke up with H. because we realized we simply had nothing in common, but we remained friends. I’m sure he would find a woman that would better suit to him than me. I’ll be happy the day he will find his match”  I., 30, said. “We didn’t come from the same world, and were the complete opposite of each other. I must say I was a little bit embarrassed  when we went out together to see my family, my friends, my colleagues, and he had the same impression on his side. It was the best for both of us to split and to find a person that would suit us best. I would definitely recommend him to another woman, but it depends on which woman, of course” M., 31, explained.

  2. Some women recognized  they are a bit ashamed of their ex’s and they would never recommend them to another woman.”There was a time in my life when I would only date total losers because I didn’t love myself that much. They were either crooks, cheaters,  junkie, alcoholic or accumulated every flaw, so I wouldn’t recommend them to another woman” K., 34, said. “The only two men I dated so far were the abusive kind of guys. They had such a bad influence on me and always told me I did everything wrong. They would criticize me in front of everyone, including my family and my friends. So, I wouldn’t want any woman to endure such a painful relationship” H., 35, said. “Most of my ex’s were the allergic-to-commitment kind of guys, not exactly the kind of guys you would recommend to your single friends” T., 35, explained.

  3. And finally, there were the women who told me they still had feelings for their ex, and would find it hard to let him to another woman, even if they are already in another relationship with a man they love. “It’s been three years now since we have broken up, and even if I started a new relationship with someone else, I think I would have difficult to accept the fact my ex has moved on with another woman. It’s a strange feeling” J., 34, said. “I have to admit I don’t see any of my ex anymore, but I would find it awkward to see them with another woman. Most of my past relationship didn’t end up that well because they left me abruptly, telling me just that I wasn’t the one they were looking for. So, with most of them, the anger and the heartache are still very much alive, and so, I wouldn’t recommend them to other women” B., 31, said.

So, would you recommend your ex’s to another man/woman?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Goodbye my lover

… I saw the end before it began

Recently, one of my female colleagues announced us she was going to divorce, after more than twenty years of marriage. She didn’t have a very common marriage with her future ex-husband. Although they have four kids together, they barely lived together when they were married, because of her husband’s profession that sends him everywhere in the world.  Instead of following him everywhere he went for his job, she just waited patiently for his return, like a Penelope for his Odysseus. When she arrived in our newsroom, she told us her husband wasn’t living with them because he lived in Ireland for a mission. We asked her why she didn’t join him there, and she replied she would love to, but she couldn’t because he was about to change place again. She also told us this situation was already like that when they met for the first time.”We met in a party celebrating his departure for another country. Our long-distance relationship had started from the beginning”  she said.

Last year, she started to complain she had enough and told me she was going to leave our country to join him, and starts as a U.K. correspondant for our newspaper. But she also explained her husband was clearly against this idea, and this is where everyone in the newsroom started to wonder if he had a mistress and didn’t want her to discover about it.  But she decided to take a long holiday to spend time with him and her four children in Ireland  anyway. When she came back, she told us she was going to divorce. Obviously, her husband loved his tranquility away from home and got used too much to it.

Her relationship, as she described it, was ill -fated from the start. I do know long-distance couples that have managed to make it work, because their situation was only temporary. But here, since the beginning, her husband has chosen to stay far away.

There are other examples of ill-fated relationships: for example, if you start an affair with a married man,  marry a man that’s already been unfaithful to you, or simply start a relationship with someone who’s not good for you and everyone around you warns you against it.

“When I met J., all my friends told me I was completely out of my mind. There was also something that was telling me I was wrong: I couldn’t smell him. He told me lies all the time, but I was in love and I believed him.  Sometimes, I had some doubts about what he told me, for example about his real job, his studies, but then, I just forgot about it. One day, an old  woman called me and asked me where J. was, and told me he owed her a lot of money she gave him to put on her bank account for her, because she barely could move. And that’s where I discovered he was a crook specialized in diddling old ladies that trusted him. I told him about the phone incident, and the day after, he simply  disappeared. I came back into the apartment we shared together, and all his belongings had gone with him. I never saw him again after” K., 35, said.

We all get fooled by the others, but sometimes, there are warning signals that indicate us not to follow that road, and yet, we refuse to see it.

So, have you already experienced a situation like these, where there were obvious signals in the start that told you this relationship wouldn’t last?

 

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