broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Secret sex

One of my friends called me last night to tell me about her tumultuous love life and how she got into trouble with a guy she’s seeing right now. She came to me because she said I won’t judge what she did. She told me she got back with her ex, a man everyone in her entourage has advised her to stay far away from. She added that no one knows about that except me. And that she plans now to keep this “relationship” as secret as possible.

There are many reasons why we want to keep a relationship (or an affair, a much more appropriated word here) secret. The first one is mainly because we try to avoid making any scandal. This happens for example between people already committed elsewhere, who just want to live their passion without hurting their official partner. “I had an affair with a married man while I was myself involved in a relationship. I just fell for him, but I knew it wasn’t going to last, and so did he. So, we agreed to keep our relationship secret. We had so much to lose if this was disclosed to everyone, especially our partners. We had this feeling this relationship only concerned the two of us, and that it was the best decision we could take P. , 35, said.

Another reason can be because one of the two partners wants it that way, and imposes this as a condition for the relationship. “He was married, and he made it clear that I should keep it mum about our affair. I was in love with him, and I accepted this. He would take me on weekends far away, and in hotels less comfy than the ones he usually picked for his holidays with his wife, so he was sure he wouldn’t bump into someone that might know him. He would take me for dinner in remote and dark restaurant, where no one could see him. He also wanted me to call him on a special phone number, so his wife couldn’t track back his phone calls. He told me she was really suspicious of something” I., 40, said.

Then, there’s the rational explanation. “He was simply out of my league. We didn’t come from the same background, and we had no common point. It’s just that we were attracted to each other, and that we felt really no inhibitions when we had sex. This was simply amazing. We had a great time, but the truth is we were a little bit ashamed of our partner choice” T., 36, said.

Sometimes, there’s no rational explanation. “I really loved him, but he simply wouldn’t fit into my life. I didn’t see him chatting with my friends or with my family. He was a very intelligent, wealthy, well educated and well known lawyer, while I came from a modest environment. So, I insisted to keep our relationship secret. I knew this relationship couldn’t last, because he would sooner or later find a woman who’s more his type” M., 35, said.

In the case of my friend, like in M.’s case, the explanation lays in the fact they don’t want to face the others’ reaction. Some relationships can create controversy, and not everyone of us is able to deal with it. So, we choose the easy way, aka the secret option.

But living a relationship in secret is not sustainable. Sooner or later, either the truth bursts, or one part of the (illegitimate) couple just breaks the circle because he/she had enough. A secret is always a burden. Otherwise, why is a site like PostSecret so popular?

So, have you ever lived a secret relationship?

life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Men at work

Once, I had a conversation with one of my best friends about the men we wouldn’t date at all. And she pointed out an important point: she couldn’t date a man whose job is simply too controversial or against her principles. An example? “I could never date a politician because I don’t care about politics at all, and I have no respect for politicians. I could not date a dealer, a man who sells weapons, one whose job consists in swindling the others. Also, I have a hard time with cops” she said.

Her choices are quite restrictive, but I can understand her. We all want someone we can respect, and if he/she already disappoints us with his/her job, the relationship may be ill-fated. Another friend of mine doesn’t necessarily agree with this. “Of course, I wouldn’t want to date a crook or a dealer. If he’s condemned, you can get condemned too as his accomplice, and that’s a situation I don’t want to live. But for the rest, what he does to earn his life doesn’t interest me that much. If he’s happy with his job, why would I ask him to change? Besides, there’s a clear line between the professional life and the private life. I don’t believe these two ever cross” she said.

Another one said she cares about his profession if it takes him all his time. “I was married for three years with an analyst who was barely there during the week and spent all his week-ends working. I felt completely secondary feels, and that’s why I asked for a divorce” she said. So, in  her no-no list would fall the doctors, CEOs, firemen, cops,… every job that is time consuming in fact. She could add in her list the journalists. Just in my newsroom, one of my colleagues managed last year to be for seven months away from home, traveling the world for his press trips. And also sailors and military men.

Dealing with a man whose job is very demanding isn’t easy. As one of my contacts said delicately about his wife: “If she’s not happy with my job, then I will change for another woman“. How nice.  Personally, I don’t mind if he’s working more than 12 hours a day, as long as he thinks about me and has from time to time some special attentions for me.

On the other hand, if he’s not working at all, while the woman is working, some women find it hard to maintain him financially. 

So, is there any profession that is a turn off for you?