celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Not fond of your friend’s partner

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Recently, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t try to stop his relationship with his ex. He broke up with her four years ago, after a four years relationship. During their relationship, he told me several times he wasn’t happy with her, and I just asked him  why he wasn’t leaving her. But he didn’t attempt to break up with her. Until after one night, he fainted after a violent argument with her. That day, he understood he had to leave her. She was verbally abusive with him all of the time, and used him as a trophy .

Honestly, I don’t think I could have succeed in stopping him to date her. I could have lost him if I tried, because he could have stayed with her anyway. I didn’t know how bad was his relationship with her, because he didn’t tell me anything about his relationship, except from time to time that he was unhappy. I’ve only met her twice during their relationship, during a short period, so I couldn’t see if she was verbally abusive to him.

Should you try to make your friend break up with his/her partner because you don’t like him/her?

Your intervention in your friend’s relationship, especially if unwanted by your friend, can backfire. When we’re in love, all we want, is to be with the person we love. We tend to forget about our friends. During this period, we can’t listen to eventual warnings our friends are trying to tell us. “I’ve lost some friends this way” told one of my friends. “I told a friend of mine her boyfriend wasn’t nice at all with her, but she got offended when I said that. She took her distance with me after that” she said.

It’s difficult to criticise your friend’s partner, because you don’t really know what is going on between them, because you don’t live with them (unless you are roommates). You can’t change your friend’s mind just by saying you don’t like his/her significant other. Your friend may even think you’re jealous of their relationship, especially if you’re single.

If you collect only failed relationships, you’re not in a good place to give relationship advices to your friend who try  to build a relationship.

But you can react when you see your friend struggling with his/her significant other. For example, if you witness your friend being criticised for no good reason, or yelled at for no good reason. That’s normal to stand for your friend in those cases.

If your friend ask you about his/her relationship and how right it is, yes, you can be honest with your friend. Your friend can have doubt about his/her relationship.

Personally, I don’t like if my friends give me advices on my relationship if I don’t ask for it.

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life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Criticism

Criticism, or constant criticism, is one of the four horsemen of relationships, according to John Gottman, who spends decades to study relationships. If you criticise your significant other all of the time, there’s a good chance he/she would take his/her distance sooner or later with you.

But there’s a world between criticism. If you criticise your partner because you’re hurt by his/her behaviour, for example if he/she always talks about himself/herself, the best way to turn around this situation is to tell your partner how you feel. If your partner take notice and adapt his/her behaviour after that, you can tell he/she cares for you. But if he/she doesn’t do anything and continue to be selfish, it’s a sign he/she doesn’t take into account your feeling.

But if you criticise your partner on his/her weight, height, on the way he/she looks, it’s just demeaning for your partner. “Any criticism that has to do with body image is generally a touchy area,” says  April Masini, a relationship expert. “For instance, height, freckles, big breasts, small breasts, big rear end, small rear end, waist size, hair, nose, skin tone — these are all areas that people tend to concern themselves with about their own bodies, and they worry about how they may appear to others.”

One of my friends is dating a woman who criticises his body in front of other people whenever she’s drunk. My friend told me he feels very diminished and hurt by her behaviour. His partner never remembers the nights when she verbally attacks him. As a result, my friend is thinking about ending his relationship.

If you criticise your partner about his/her family, friends, career, education, there’s a good chance your partner will turn away from you at some point, because you create a toxic environment for your relationship.

People who criticise their significant other all of the time may have a low self esteem. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” says one of my friends. The world would be a better place if people behave like that.

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