celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Reunited by a dating app

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The Financial Times recently interviewed Whitney Wolfe, the founder of the dating app Bumble. That dating app forces women to make the first move.

I don’t use that dating app, because in my country, Tinder is way more popular. Perhaps because in my country, like in France, women don’t make the first move in general. Many of my female friends told me they didn’t make the first move with their significant other. One of them, who is still single, told me she would never make the first move.

But this interview is interested. The founder of Bumble said more than 5000 engagements and marriages were originated with the app.  She added most people used the app on Sunday nights and Monday.The app is the busiest during those periods of the week.

One of the couples who found themselves on Bumble used to know each other before. But they lost each other from sight. He used to have a crush on her when they were younger. By the power of an algorithm, they made a connection again. Without that algorithm, maybe they  wouldn’t have made that connection. Who knows? They could have bumped into each other in the street. But it would not make that connection so instantly.

Those who use the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble connect when they feel lonely. That’s why there’s a peak in connections on Sunday nights and Mondays. When you feel lonely, you are in generally in better conditions to look actively for someone and to jump on the first occasions. So, it might explain why these former crushes reunited.

I’ve never bumped into a former crush on Tinder. I don’t know what would be my reaction if it was the case. What would you do if you find a formal crush on a dating app?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The greener grass syndrome

(this goes out to my greener grass that isn’t so green- I’m sorry)

Drunk american mentioned in one of his post how funny who we end up loving in our life, given that there’s always smarter, sexier,… than our partner. It’s also funny when you have found the love of your life, you will get confronted to infidelity that urges you to take its guidance. Who’s never been tempted to see if the grass is greener elsewhere is either a liar, either really secluded. During our love life, we will always have to deal sooner or later with that temptation.

Oscar Wilde said that the best way to avoid temptation is to yield to it. I remember this from high school because it was pronounced by one of my teachers who had an affair with another teacher (everyone knew about them). Knowing his personal situation added to this sentence its full meaning.

In my previous job, my former deputy director left her husband to move in with her lover. She told me back then she married young because she wanted to escape her life in her family, and fell in love with the guy from the security. But things didn’t go smooth between her lover and she. He was jealous and possessive. My boss’s daughter came once working in our office and explained to me what her mother had to do to avoid fights all the time with her lover. She couldn’t see openly her ex-husband, she had to ask her daughter to cover certain of her activities. Her daughter told me she wished her mother would leave him, but she was also afraid of his reaction.

In the Observer, I found an article about love and its many definitions. It differentiates the crush, the limerence and true love. I still believe you don’t cross the road of true love many times in your life. On the other hand, you can fall in love or have a crush many times in your life. So, why would you spoil your true love for some relationships that won’t last?

That’s a tough question. Living with the love of your life brings you ups, but also downs. There will be period where you don’t see each other that much (because of work, the children, the friends,…) There will be period where you don’t love him/her that much, because he/she has defects like anyone that can be truly annoying. So, doubts play an important part in our infidelity.

Then, there’s the chemistry. The most dangerous threat for a couple, I think. This is what I heard once, among the women I know. “My man was traveling abroad for a long period, and I met during his trip a guy I wanted badly in my bed. He was the opposite of what I like in a man: short, not well educated, not that intelligent, not that funny. But there was something about him that just drove me mad. Things heated up really fast between us. It started when we were in a restaurant with a group, and he just played with my feet under the table. I replied to his advances, and we ended up in his apartment after the restaurant. I was really overwhelmed by love, but six months after the start, we realized we had nothing in common, and just broke up” .

Things could get even worse if you fall for a terrible lover. “I fantasized a lot on him, he was very athletic, drool-worthy and charming. But when we switched to the bedroom, I was wondering what I was doing with him. Geez, he was terrible” T., 34, said.

Of course, if your legitimate partner is a total dork, leaving him for someone else (better, I hope) is justified. You can even find true love in the corner of those stories. “I was married with my longtime friend, because I was convinced I couldn’t find a better man than him, but I wasn’t really in love. Then, I met another man in my office, and I felt I had a better connexion with him than my husband. We started an affair, and we realized we had so much in common, that we broke up with our partners and started from scratch a relationship. We’re still happy together ten years after” H., 45, explained.

So, this would mean one thing (at least from the women’s side), if we go and see elsewhere, and really cross the line, it’s because we don’t love that much our partner. But some women need to go and see elsewhere to find out they really love their husband after all.

This is tough, I must admit, to stay faithful, isn’t it?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

I’m not in love…

It’s just a silly phase I’m going through

Relationships can be the land of confusions. What you thought at first was real love turned just into a little crush or the next step, limerence. On the contrary, a little crush can also develop into true love. But for a reason, we, women, cannot differentiate all of this and it can lead us very heart-broken. Maybe it’s because we’re mostly driven by our emotions, I don’t know.

With maturity, however, we manage to make the difference between those different feelings, but it’s not always that easy. I’m always amazed how men can do that so easily. Recently, one of my friends broke up with her partner after two years together. Their relationship wasn’t exactly what we could call a normal one. She told me he didn’t want to commit that much in it, and she accepted it. They were seeing other people while they were together, and I thought that she didn’t love him, she just had fun with him. But when it ended, she got badly heart-broken and she’s still not over him yet.

Maybe she should have left him way before it ended.

How do we get into situation like these? Well, sometimes, the man is also responsible for this. “When we started dating, he promised me thick and thin. He told me he never met someone like me, that he really loved me and I believed him. But after six months spent together, he just left me. I realized afterwards he was chasing me just because he idealized me. He had absolutely no idea who I really was. I’m sure he couldn’t tell what is my favourite band, author, film, what are my little habits” U., 30, explained.

But sometimes, men make the conditions crystal clear in the beginning of the relationship, and we still fall into the trap of our emotions. “He told me there was nothing serious between us, that he just wanted to have fun with me. But deep in my mind, I thought I could change his mind. I was really in love with him, but the feeling was never mutual. When he realized I got way too attached to him, he dumped me” J., 35, said. “I knew he was just a ladykiller, and that no woman has ever succeeded in settling him down. But silly me, I thought I could be that woman, and I failed” G., 32, said.

Of course, some women are able to put their feelings aside and deal with such a relationship. And you can get a reverse situation too. “I liked him, but I knew I wasn’t in love. Unfortunately for him, he was really in love with me. He was devastated when I announced to him it was over. I had just a crush for him” H., 32, said. “I started dating him because I needed to have company after my breakup with my ex. I felt nothing for him, except maybe friendship. He felt offended when I told him it was over, and that I just needed his company to get better” T., 29, told me. “I just wanted to have sex with him, and curiously, it turned out he was in love with me. But I never felt that way for him” D., 30, said.

Like Elvis sang, “Only fools rush in“. By taking our time in a relationship (not purely based on sex), we could more easily differentiate if it’s a crush, limerence or true love we feel for the other. It’s easier said than done. But our past experiences can play an important role in this. “I had in the past several relationships where it all started great and then all of a sudden, the guy realized he didn’t like me that much. When I met G., things started pretty much the same as it did with my exes. We were working in the same office, he started flirting with me, but I realized he didn’t pay that much attention to who I was. It occured to me because once, another colleague of mine that I don’t particularly like  received a box of chocolate that he offered me. He just told me he knew I like chocolate (I pack a lot of chocolate bars in my drawer) while I was pretty sure that G. couldn’t tell this about me. It was crystal clear for me I was heading in the wrong direction with G.”J.,29, said.

Have you ever got confused like that?

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