celibacy, life, love, men, thoughts, women

The best out of ten

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Is it possible to find your soul mate based on math? I read a post about it, and I’m not very convinced.

How it works is basically you take the number people that you think you could go on dates with in your lifetime and so, let’s say 100. And mathematicians say take the square root that number, so that would be 10, and then you go on dates with those 10 people and afterward you tell them all, “No thanks.” But you remember out of those 10 which one was the best person that you met?

Then keep going on more dates and the minute you find someone who is better than that best person out of the 10, that person is the closest thing mathematically to finding your soul mate.

Basically, you have to remind who was the best date you had  out of 10 people who turned you down, and find someone (who won’t turn you down) who’s better than that person. What happens if you never find that person? Of if that person want to end the relationship after just one month?

Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee your “best person” is available to you. And basing you strategy to find that “best person” on a date which wasn’t for you isn’t a good idea, no matter how that person was awesome.

Do you remind your best date out of the 10 people who told you “no thanks”? Personally, I don’t, since I want to forget any of my bad dates. It would be difficult to find someone who is better than that.

And you can be a serial date if you search for the best person.

And  the feeling  that’s it all a lot of oysters, but no pearls

There’s no rule to find your soul mate. The best advice  I guess it’s to find someone who treat you with respect mutually.

 

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The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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Dating your non type

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I’ve just finished reading “He’s not just your type (and it’s a good thing)” by Andrea Syrtash. She advises to look over your type of men or women to find love, and also follow your heart when you feel comfortable  with someone who doesn’t fit in your ideal type or your family’s expectations.

The author defines your non type by someone you would rule out at first because that someone may be too old for you, too far from you, too young, divorced with children… Or because that someone is very different from all your ex’s especially if you’ve dated the same profile over and over again. In other words, she advises to keep an open mind when it comes to love. But she adds you don’t have to accept everything, especially when your non type doesn’t treat you very well (by going M.I.A., or being physically or verbally abusive).

She admits your family and friends can have a problem accepting your non type. One of my friends admitted he had a problem accepting at first his friend’s companion, when she introduced her to all of her friends. It was a surprise for him because his friend used to date men before. Another of my friends told me her mother didn’t accept at first her new beau, who was divorced with two children.

Of course, all families and friends are not all judgmental about your choices. And sometimes, a good conversation with your friends and your family about your non type can  help them accepting him/her. Your choice can worry your family and friends. Because if you choose someone who’s older than you, over ten years of difference, that difference can weigh on your couple as both of you grow older, with the problems associated to ageing.

The author adds you can feel disappointed by your type of lovers. What looks good on paper doesn’t make necessarily a good match for you. Like if your date has all the qualities (achievements, emotional intelligence, education, wealth, …) but is terrible in bed (because he can’t have an erection).

But I have some remarks about keeping an open mind. If your significant other wants you to change, even if you love him/her, I don’t think an open mind it’s an option here.

Nevertheless, most of my female friends told me they weren’t attracted at first with their significant other. And there are some famous examples too, like Michelle Obama when she saw her future husband trying to flirt with her, or Amal Clooney, when George tried to make his first move. At first, those ladies weren’t interested. As if their husband were their non type.

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The sapiosexual

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A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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Mine just for a moment (casual dating)

After a certain age, people don’t necessarily want to dive into a relationship right away. They are hindered by their past love experiences , especially all the failed ones. With that luggage, some want to take it slow with their date. There are no definition for that, except it’s also called casual dating.

It depends on the agreement between the two partners. But it’s not really a real relationship, because nothing is really planned in advance. Besides, casual dating doesn’t  involve sex, otherwise, it’s considered as a “relationship” like friends with benefits, where sex is indeed involved, and sometimes a deeper feeling, especially if you have been friends with benefits for years.

Casual dating is going to a movie, a theater, a party, a concert, … or just take a walk with your date. Some people look at this as a precursor to a committed relationship, while other prefer to date multiple people until they find the right one, with the risk of choosing no one, as we have difficulties to choose when there are too many options available. In both cases, it’s best to be honest with your casual date about what you want.

It’s not always clear you’re casually dating. Because you can sleep with someone on the first night you meet each other then decide to know each other better and start casually dating.

There are no feelings involved in dating. That’s why some people hate to date. Besides, dating can only be temporary. Because you can’t date a person forever.  As some point, you will need commitment, or end this situation. Commitment will come eventually if you enjoy spending time with your date. And if it’s mutual, of course.

The key is to enjoy your date’s company. It’s not always the case. That’s a good indicator.

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Online dating: swipe right

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Tim Harford, an economist and writer for the Financial Times, wrote an article about online dating, and how disappointing it is for people who meet online. “These services prosper if they  keep us coming back for more“, he said.

Yet, I’ve been to a wedding recently where the bride and groom met online three years ago. The bride is a friend of mine. She told me she searched for him with a list of do and don’t. Their first date was a bit strange, because as my friend hates silence, she kept on talking, while her husband was so shy he had a hard time speaking. But he asked her after the date if she would accept another date with him. And my friend said yes. There were up and downs in their relationship, to a point where she gave him an ultimatum: either he would commit to her, or their relationship would end. I rushed back to her side when she told me he disappeared after her ultimatum. But three days after, he came back and accepted to commit to her. The rest is history.

Online dating can be disappointing. Because when we meet the person we met online, reality can be really different from what you saw online. You don’t hear his/her voice online, and the pictures posted online may not be very recent. Yet, my friend did find her husband online and his pictures were very recent. My friend didn’t post any of her pictures, as she didn’t want to be recognized. So her husband took a big risk by meeting her, because he didn’t know what she was looking at that time.

The only lesson with online dating is to have a date with your online crush and then think if it’s worth or not to pursue a relationship with him/her, based on your feelings.

I’ve met three men on Tinder who asked me for a date. I have accepted all three. I don’t expect something special from two of them, while I have some great expectations for one. Maybe I would be disappointed by him, and positively surprised by one of the two I don’t expect much. I don’t know how it will evolve. I just know I will go to great bars and restaurants with all of them. That’s a good start :).

I chose them all and contacted them. They all liked me on Tinder. It has to start somewhere…

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What do you want from me?

What happens when you become the confident of the one you love? Is this the sign you lose all of your powers of desire, or the sign your relationship gets into a deeper bond?

Various studies promote the art of listening. If you’re a good listener, people will trust you. It will also help you to find friends and even the one you love.

Because when you ask questions and listen to the responses, you are in a good position to determine if it’s the right person for you. For instance, recently, I went to a date with a guy who started to rant against mixed couples, as he was talking about his recent trip to Singapore where he met a friend of him who’s dating a local there.

Many people told me their story and feel comfortable doing so with me. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to write this blog 😉

But as one woman I met recently told me, it can be tough to be just the listener. She was the PR of a green energy company, which has been through many changes. She said she acted as the shoulder people could cry on, and as a result, she was very tired of it. “It’s like listening to their problems is eating my energy” she added. “And I feel powerless“.

I do understand her, because I get also the impression people come to me as if I know the answer they don’t know. There’s one person in particular in my life who fits into this category right now.

It bothers me because deep in my heart, I wished he would love me. But I just watch him painfully living his life on his side, seducing other women. I don’t feel desirable, and I do compare every man I meet to him. This is not the right help to find the one.

So yes, the friend zone sucks in this case.

And it’s difficult, even almost impossible, to get out of it.

 But with time, it is easier to accept it.

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