celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Dating your non type

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I’ve just finished reading “He’s not just your type (and it’s a good thing)” by Andrea Syrtash. She advises to look over your type of men or women to find love, and also follow your heart when you feel comfortable  with someone who doesn’t fit in your ideal type or your family’s expectations.

The author defines your non type by someone you would rule out at first because that someone may be too old for you, too far from you, too young, divorced with children… Or because that someone is very different from all your ex’s especially if you’ve dated the same profile over and over again. In other words, she advises to keep an open mind when it comes to love. But she adds you don’t have to accept everything, especially when your non type doesn’t treat you very well (by going M.I.A., or being physically or verbally abusive).

She admits your family and friends can have a problem accepting your non type. One of my friends admitted he had a problem accepting at first his friend’s companion, when she introduced her to all of her friends. It was a surprise for him because his friend used to date men before. Another of my friends told me her mother didn’t accept at first her new beau, who was divorced with two children.

Of course, all families and friends are not all judgmental about your choices. And sometimes, a good conversation with your friends and your family about your non type can  help them accepting him/her. Your choice can worry your family and friends. Because if you choose someone who’s older than you, over ten years of difference, that difference can weigh on your couple as both of you grow older, with the problems associated to ageing.

The author adds you can feel disappointed by your type of lovers. What looks good on paper doesn’t make necessarily a good match for you. Like if your date has all the qualities (achievements, emotional intelligence, education, wealth, …) but is terrible in bed (because he can’t have an erection).

But I have some remarks about keeping an open mind. If your significant other wants you to change, even if you love him/her, I don’t think an open mind it’s an option here.

Nevertheless, most of my female friends told me they weren’t attracted at first with their significant other. And there are some famous examples too, like Michelle Obama when she saw her future husband trying to flirt with her, or Amal Clooney, when George tried to make his first move. At first, those ladies weren’t interested. As if their husband were their non type.

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celibacy, life, love, men, sex, thoughts, women

The sapiosexual

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A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Mine just for a moment (casual dating)

After a certain age, people don’t necessarily want to dive into a relationship right away. They are hindered by their past love experiences , especially all the failed ones. With that luggage, some want to take it slow with their date. There are no definition for that, except it’s also called casual dating.

It depends on the agreement between the two partners. But it’s not really a real relationship, because nothing is really planned in advance. Besides, casual dating doesn’t  involve sex, otherwise, it’s considered as a “relationship” like friends with benefits, where sex is indeed involved, and sometimes a deeper feeling, especially if you have been friends with benefits for years.

Casual dating is going to a movie, a theater, a party, a concert, … or just take a walk with your date. Some people look at this as a precursor to a committed relationship, while other prefer to date multiple people until they find the right one, with the risk of choosing no one, as we have difficulties to choose when there are too many options available. In both cases, it’s best to be honest with your casual date about what you want.

It’s not always clear you’re casually dating. Because you can sleep with someone on the first night you meet each other then decide to know each other better and start casually dating.

There are no feelings involved in dating. That’s why some people hate to date. Besides, dating can only be temporary. Because you can’t date a person forever.  As some point, you will need commitment, or end this situation. Commitment will come eventually if you enjoy spending time with your date. And if it’s mutual, of course.

The key is to enjoy your date’s company. It’s not always the case. That’s a good indicator.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Online dating: swipe right

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Tim Harford, an economist and writer for the Financial Times, wrote an article about online dating, and how disappointing it is for people who meet online. “These services prosper if they  keep us coming back for more“, he said.

Yet, I’ve been to a wedding recently where the bride and groom met online three years ago. The bride is a friend of mine. She told me she searched for him with a list of do and don’t. Their first date was a bit strange, because as my friend hates silence, she kept on talking, while her husband was so shy he had a hard time speaking. But he asked her after the date if she would accept another date with him. And my friend said yes. There were up and downs in their relationship, to a point where she gave him an ultimatum: either he would commit to her, or their relationship would end. I rushed back to her side when she told me he disappeared after her ultimatum. But three days after, he came back and accepted to commit to her. The rest is history.

Online dating can be disappointing. Because when we meet the person we met online, reality can be really different from what you saw online. You don’t hear his/her voice online, and the pictures posted online may not be very recent. Yet, my friend did find her husband online and his pictures were very recent. My friend didn’t post any of her pictures, as she didn’t want to be recognized. So her husband took a big risk by meeting her, because he didn’t know what she was looking at that time.

The only lesson with online dating is to have a date with your online crush and then think if it’s worth or not to pursue a relationship with him/her, based on your feelings.

I’ve met three men on Tinder who asked me for a date. I have accepted all three. I don’t expect something special from two of them, while I have some great expectations for one. Maybe I would be disappointed by him, and positively surprised by one of the two I don’t expect much. I don’t know how it will evolve. I just know I will go to great bars and restaurants with all of them. That’s a good start :).

I chose them all and contacted them. They all liked me on Tinder. It has to start somewhere…

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

What do you want from me?

What happens when you become the confident of the one you love? Is this the sign you lose all of your powers of desire, or the sign your relationship gets into a deeper bond?

Various studies promote the art of listening. If you’re a good listener, people will trust you. It will also help you to find friends and even the one you love.

Because when you ask questions and listen to the responses, you are in a good position to determine if it’s the right person for you. For instance, recently, I went to a date with a guy who started to rant against mixed couples, as he was talking about his recent trip to Singapore where he met a friend of him who’s dating a local there.

Many people told me their story and feel comfortable doing so with me. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to write this blog 😉

But as one woman I met recently told me, it can be tough to be just the listener. She was the PR of a green energy company, which has been through many changes. She said she acted as the shoulder people could cry on, and as a result, she was very tired of it. “It’s like listening to their problems is eating my energy” she added. “And I feel powerless“.

I do understand her, because I get also the impression people come to me as if I know the answer they don’t know. There’s one person in particular in my life who fits into this category right now.

It bothers me because deep in my heart, I wished he would love me. But I just watch him painfully living his life on his side, seducing other women. I don’t feel desirable, and I do compare every man I meet to him. This is not the right help to find the one.

So yes, the friend zone sucks in this case.

And it’s difficult, even almost impossible, to get out of it.

 But with time, it is easier to accept it.

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Dating through Tinder

Recently, a friend of mine told me she had a date with a guy she met on Tinder, that app you can download on your smartphone and shows you the Facebook profile of potential partners. My friend said she found him very attractive and funny, as they started to chat with each other.

After a few exchanges, she agreed to meet him in a cafe in my town which is the hotspot for blind dates apparently. After the D-Date, she told me he was cute and charming, but she wasn’t convinced at all by him. Because she has a hard time to forget her ex. But she added it felt good to feel desirable, and the app helped her to find what she was looking for.

I’ve never use Tinder. I’ve just tried other dating sites, where I was really disappointed after I met the guy in real life. I don’t know if I would be helped more by looking at a Facebook profile. Because we only put a fraction of us on Facebook, and usually the good part of it.

But then, I came across this article.  It says an artist used to respond to every lewd message by drawing a nude cartoon based on the photos she received.

Because it’s true that when you’re a woman, you can be harassed on dating sites, especially those where statistically, there are more men than women.

I experienced once an unpleasant situation with dating site. I didn’t put my real name, but I just mentioned I was a journalist. And the guy I met online managed to find my identity, and started to comment on my articles by insulting me. I had to refer to our community manager to get rid of him, and to the dating site where I complained about him. I think they have blocked him. I’ve never about him. But since then, I’ve been more careful. I don’t mention who I am to the people I met online. I’m a bit disgusted by dating sites anyway.

There are people who meet their match on those sites, though. One of my friends met her man through a Facebook game called are you interested?  a while ago.

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The art of choosing

Recently, I attended a conference where Columbia Business school’s professor Sheena Iyengar gave a speech about the art of choosing. She says when people have too many choices, people  postpone  their decision, make bad choices and get less satisfied by what they have chosen.

That’s why it’s important according to her to cut the options, to comfort people about their choice, to categorize the offer and to avoid complexity or make it progressive.

When it comes to love, the more choices we are given, the less we are able to pick the right person for us.

The best example of this would be dating sites. Once you’re registered, you can be contacted by hundred of different men. If they all contact you the same way, by writing to you that you look beautiful, you can feel confused and decide not to pick anyone.

This is why some men choose a different approach and try to be original. They don’t have to write poems. But when they pay attention to something written in the woman’s profile, they get a better chance to get noticed and get a response.

This is why some women also don’t find what they’re looking for on dating sites. Or pick someone who’s not the right choice for them.

One of my friends dated some of the men she met online, before marrying her best friend she has known since she was a teenager. All of the men she met online also married or got into a relationship with someone closer to them, a coworker, or a common friend. She told me she never met the right guy for her on internet.

Another friend of mine is currently dating a man she met online two years ago. She told me she chose him among five other men she met. Yet, when I see them together, I can’t help thinking she made the wrong choice, because he’s not really into her.

Does it mean we would make a better choice if we only had two or three options when it comes to love?

Not necessarily. Love is not rational.

 

 

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