life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Desire (wonderful tonight)


Love and desire are two different things, according to the psychotherapist Esther Perel.

“If there is a verb, for me, that comes with love, it’s “to have.” And if there is a verb that comes with desire, it is “to want.” In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved. We want to minimize the distance. We want to contract that gap. We want to neutralize the tensions. We want closeness. But in desire, we tend to not really want to go back to the places we’ve already gone. Forgone conclusion does not keep our interest. In desire, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit, that we can go spend some time with,that we can go see what goes on in their red-light district. You know? In desire, we want a bridge to cross. Or in other words, I sometimes say, fire needs air. Desire needs space. And when it’s said like that, it’s often quite abstract” she said in a Ted speech. 

So, if you love someone, you can lose desire, because you need distance to desire someone, while you want to be close to the one you love.

Esther Perel said some couples don’t need to touch each other to feel desire. Instead, after their last meeting, they try to keep the desire alive. Sexting, for example, is a good way to keep the desire alive when we’re not together. Sexting means sending a suggestive message, or picture to our partner, or just a message saying how you long for your partner and you can’t wait to see him/her. It doesn’t mean sending a picture of your desk or a message about bitcoins or something in the news.

Some people also send items to their partner that remind him/her about the last meeting they had. It’s a promise for something hot in the next meeting.

But some people also desire their partner when they evolve in their professional or friendly circle. “Watching her talking to other men in a cocktail party just turns me on” says one of my friends. “I just enjoy watching him from afar” another one said.

It’s easy to lose desire unfortunately. Some people lose desire because their energy is eaten by stress, illness, or mental problems. And if just one partner is teasing the other, desire can also quickly fade away, as the teaser will get fed up of not having reciprocal desire.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, women

Turn off the bright light

When I was a student, I had once to pick some documents at one of my classmates’s apartment, and when I entered the room, I remembered all the candlelights laying everywhere. I asked her why she had so many candlelights, and she replied that once lit, those created an erotic atmosphere. “I can’t have sex with the lights on. This is an alternative where I can let go without stressing about how I look during the act” she said. Years later,  when I had once a chat with all of my friends, some of them admitted they also like candlelights or dimelight for making love. “It’s a trigger for sex. When the candlelights burn, I know I’m in the mood for sex” one of them said. “This is a compromise I found with my ex. He was tired of doing it in the dark, while I hated doing it with the lights on. So, once, we gave it a try with a different atmosphere. I bought some candlelights, and I was instantly feeling better about this. You’re not completely in the dark, nor in the light. And it creates shades, leaves you to imagine things. It’s stimulating. I like this. I don’t want to have sex in a different way now” another one said.

It’s true that most women hate to have sex in the light. While it’s also true that men want to do so like that. We do because we don’t have the same perception about the act of sex. Most women can’t let it go when they have sex in the light because they focus on their physical flaws. “I’m not perfect. I’m convinced he would notice how fat is my tummy, flat is my butt, … during the act. So, I prefer to have sex in the dark. Otherwise, I can’t concentrate on anything else than my flaws, and I would have a hard time to come”R., 34, said. But not all women are the same. “I need to see my lover during the act. I need to see his desire for me. This turns me on”H.,35, said.

Men, on the other hand,  often see sex as a perfomance. So, they need light to see what they’re doing, and how their partner react.

But those dynamics can change with time, when both partners trust each other or know each other very well. It’s how you decide to do it that matters, then.

So, do you like to do it in the dark, or in the light?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

I’m on fire

I’ve got a bad desire

I was reading recently a magazine where it said that it’s important to masturbate to have a blooming sexual life. This left me a little bit puzzled, since I know around me plenty of women who don’t masturbate a lot, even not at all, and yet feel fully satisfied with their sexual life (and they said that very honestly).  I do belong to this category too. The article said it was important to see yourself in an erotic scene, and that masturbation was a good way to reach that state. I’m not sure. Maybe if you’re a very liberal person, masturbation is the cherry on top of your cake. But when you’re not, how do you reach a satisfying sexual life? The answer is simple: either you don’t have one, either you just rely on your partner to feel desirable.

“Well, I have a really satisfying sexual life, but I don’t touch myself, and I don’t use any sextoy either. Does it make me a terrible lover? I don’t think so. I think it’s BS. What’s important to me is to feel my man’s desire” R., 34, said.

“My man has helped me to feel desirable. He knows how to touch me. He just showed me how to discover my pleasure. But I must say I prefer coming with him than without him”E., 35, said.

“I’m a very cerebral person. My sexual life is also based on that. I need to feel intellectually stimulate to reach an orgasm. Masturbation isn’t a thing for me. But to hear him saying some special words, to see him in some particular circumstances, in particular scenarios, where he can surprise me, that is really turning me on” L., 34, said.

I need to see myself in his eyes to feel desirable. This is my way”  H, 30, said.

So, do you think masturbation is important for your sex life?

life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, wacky, women

Give in to me

The recent episode involving Eliot Spitzer and a call girl who’s now shot to stardom, Ashley Alexandra Dupré, makes me think: how can a 22 year-old woman can have sex with an old guy who reminds me of this?

In this case, the answer is simple: money. But without it, would it still be possible?

A friend of mine told me a few months ago he had an affair with his old neighbour, who could be his grandma. He said that he just fell for her, and that he didn’t care at all about her looks. I can understand that, but still, I would find it difficult to sleep with a man who would be old enough to be my grandpa, even if I’m madly in love with him.

Besides, when you fall in love, there are a lot of criteria that come into the equation: desire, chemistry, communion of the minds, compassion, weakness, curiosity… If there is no desire, you can’t fall in love. “I dated during three weeks a guy I hooked up with in a club, but I felt no particular attraction for him, so we split. And no, I couldn’t fall in love with me, he just inspired me nothing” B., 29, said.  I guess my friend had found something appealing in her neighbour.

Unfortunately (or not), there’s a lot of irrational happening when you fall in love with someone, that’s why some people can’t explain why they fell in love.

But when it comes to purely sex, it’s different. Here, it’s generally based on the looks: you see a guy you fancy in a club, he fancies you back, and that’s where you end up in the restroom getting your groove on (well, if you can do this). However, there are exceptions. “I met this guy I didn’t find attractive at all in a bar, and he convinced me to have sex with him. I noticed how sensual he was, and I must say I felt curious about how it will turn out. He was short, nearly bald, not athletic at all and a bit hairy in the back, but I did enjoy sex with him” P., 34, said. On the other hands, some people focus on silly details just before the act that refrains their momentum. “When we switched to the bedroom, he got naked in front of me, and I could see his toenails yellow and disgusting. I pretended to have to go to the bathroom, and escaped from his apartment” O., 35, said.

I really believe  that in the end, what matters the most is our instinct about the other.

So, here’s the question of the day: would you have sex with someone you find too old, not good-looking, or too fat/too skinny? And what is a definite no-no for you?