celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Do players ever change?

I had slept with many women during a certain point. All I wanted is to have a different woman in my bed every day, but it changed” said one of my acquaintances, recently, when I asked him why some men can’t be satisfied by one woman. “Since I had my lawsuit against that woman who claimed I have harassed her sexually, I haven’t been able to sleep with women again. I don’t trust women at all” he added. (That woman seems to be the one who makes him pay for all the women he didn’t respect…).

Yet, I can’t help thinking his fear will disappear over time. But my acquaintance isn’t young anymore, because he’s not far for his sixty birthday now. Some men are not hindered by their age to continue to seduce as many as women anymore. Even if their body  don’t respond well to their desire anymore. As age makes men have difficulty to have an erection…

But what is a player? A player is a guy who only wants to have sex with you. That’s the common player. They try everything to sleep with a woman. When they get what they want, they disappear from your life.

Some of them don’t disappear completely from your life. I had an ex who was a player. He asked me if we could remain friends. When I accepted to have a drink with him after our breakup, he tried everything to have me back as a sex friend. But only as a sex friend, aka someone who will accept to have sex with him whenever he wanted.

While other men can be clumsy with women, the player knows how to get to his goal. He can be patient if you don’t sleep with him on the first night. One of my friends told me  one of her ex’s even waited for two months to have sex with her, only to disappear after their night with each other. He just told her he didn’t see any future with her, and then disappeared.

But my friend suspected him to be a player, because he was very secret with his phone while he was with her, and wasn’t that available to her during the weekends. “I’m sure he saw other women as well as we were together. He had always something else to do” she said.

Her fears turned out right, because her ex was involved with two other women while he was with her. She only discovered that after months.

There are signs he’s a player. If he isn’t interested in you and doesn’t make time to introduce you to his world, his hopes, his fears, his friends,… he may just be interested into sex with you and that’s it.

What to do then? Well, if you want to, sleep with him as early as possible. After all, it’s the best way to get rid of him quickly. Don’t try to make him wait for you. It’s the best way to hope for a hopeless relationship with someone who’s not interested into committing to you.

Usually, the player is terrible in bed. All he wants is to enjoy his pleasure. He doesn’t care about yours.  Some of them have their pride, though, and want to leave a good impression so you can tell to your friend they are a good lover. Yeah, they’re delusional.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

One sided relationship

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“I keep playing your part, but it’s not my scene”

Sitting, waiting, wishing –  Jack Johnson

Recently, one of my acquaintances complained about her significant other, who doesn’t give her anything. “I keep on making plans for us to spend our time together, but she doesn’t propose anything to me and even refused some of my plans. I pay for everything while she is always reluctant to pay. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggs with her because she criticizes me a lot. And I feel stressed because I don’t know how she will act” she said.

This is a one sided relationship where my acquaintance is doing all the work while her significant other makes her feel worse than better about herself. Unfortunately, if this relationship continues like that, it’s ill-fated.

The only solution to this problem is to tell how you feel to your significant other, keeping one feeling by conversation. It’s not wise to remind your partner about past events, because it can fire back at you. I did that with my ex, and he told me I should have told him right away there was a problem with him instead of bringing  him that topic three weeks later.  As a result, he brushed off my feelings and I felt diminished. But it’s not that easy to react right away.

One of my friends told me she can’t react right away. She only pulls back and doesn’t answer her phone for hours, even if her significant other tries to call her. “After some time, I reply, and he asks what’s wrong. Usually, it helps me to find the words to tell him how I feel” she says. But this only works if your significant other do call you often. If he/she goes MIA for days, well, he/she won’t notice anything.

How do you know you’re in a one sided relationship? People don’t realize this right away. Especially if they are in love. In the six first months of a relationship, if we’re in love, all we want, is to spend our time with our partner. We don’t care about details.

If like my acquaintance, you always make the plans, you pay for everything, and make efforts to include your partner in your life while he/she makes no effort at all and doesn’t feel too excited to meet your friends and family, that’s the sign of a one sided relationship.

In other words, if your partner doesn’t give you much (of his/her time, of his/her heart, of his/her consideration), this is a one sided relationship.

Some people jump into relationships while they are emotionally unavailable, and don’t give that much to their new partner because of that. We can be emotionally unavailable after a break up or after an incident in our life.

Communication is the only way to break that cycle. If this situation continues even if you pointed out the lack of consideration to your partner, it’s hopeless.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Should I stay or should I go?

People often ask themselves if they should stay with their significant other or leave” said the philosopher Alain de Botton in a recent interview. “There is one rule: if we can say, after a thorough thought, that our pain comes from our partner, we should leave the relationship. But if we think  we could feel the same insatisfaction with someone else, we may choose to stay in the relationship. There is a difference between to go through  a difficult experience of life with someone and make that difficult experience because of this person” he said.

Alain de Botton also said the cult of romantic love in our western civilization has a disastrous effect on our emotional life because it prevents us to blossom by presenting us unrealistic images of ourselves.

That cult makes us hope for unrealistic goals as: to meet someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, who will seduce us immediately and exclusively, to have satisfying sexual relationships throughout our life, to be never attracted by someone else, to understand each other intuitively, to build a family without losing emotional and sexual intensity for each other, said the philosopher. Because those goals are unreachable, the feeling of failure is really high, he added.

So, do we expect too much from our significant other? Or from the person we just met?

It’s true that if we expect to be seduced immediately by someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, we can get ahead of a lot of disappointments. Because in this category, you can find narcissistic perverts, players or just people who are not really interested in relationships.

But we need to be attracted to our future significant to start something. This attraction can take time.  Like those who are friends for years before starting a relationship with each other. Or between coworkers who gradually fall in love for each other after spending a lot of time with each other. Or between neighbors. It’s far from the immediate attraction we can feel with someone we meet on dating sites and app like Tinder.

Love is accepting the other’s differences, says Alain de Botton. We don’t necessarily have to share a lot of common points with our significant other, as long as we accept him/her as he/she is.

The philosopher also mentioned that a couple is like a small enterprise, because of the multiple chores we have to share, and the budget we have to keep together. Those are a source of conflicts for every couple.

So, yes, it’s a difficult decision to make when we want to leave a relationship, especially a long term relationship. And it’s a difficult decision when we hesitate to stay in the relationship too.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Those tiny cracks

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This morning, I caught the conversation of two of my coworkers talking about the new beau of one of them. She complained he didn’t like her schedule where she runs everyday after her work because she wants to clear her mind. “He criticizes me a lot” she said. My other coworker, who knows her man, told her his ex got into a depression after one year of relationship with him. “With him, I want to cry all of the time” the other said. “I also want to cry all of the time because of my significant other” added my coworker.

Why do we stay in destructive relationships like that?  There is not a day when my coworker doesn’t complain about what her significant other did to her or said to her. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to end this relationship, she replied she couldn’t, because she loves her significant other. Yet, it’s been almost one year where she’s very sensitive because of her lover.

In the long run, this relationship may not be sustainable. What’s the point of being on the defensive permanently with the one you love? In the end, you will end up spending more and more time away from your partner, not knowing why, just because you want to avoid him/her. Some people take years to recognize they are not in the right relationship.

Because you’re brilliant, kind and beautiful, you should never let any guy speak to you badly” one of my friends said after I broke up with my ex. “Don’t waste your time with that kind of guy. A guy should feel lucky to have you” he added.

I would repeat his advice to everyone who’s involved in a relationship where they are not treated with respect.

Permanent critics, cold shoulders, stonewalling are like cracks on your wall. If your significant other is unable to appreciate your success, or even share your joy for the little things in life, if he/she guns you down every time you say something, you will feel tired after some time. Sometimes, people take years to end that kind of relationships.

But a good indicator your relationship is ill fated may be the way you talk about your significant other to your friends. If you do like my coworker who constantly complains about her lover, then, it may indicate your significant other is not the right person for you.

I’m not saying you should leave after just one critic. After all, we are able to stand for ourselves, and able to replicate. But if your partner is unable to adjust to you, or if you’re unable to adjust to him/her, that may be the solution.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

There’s a limit to online dating

Why do some people find their match on online dating, and some don’t? One of my friends told me that after a bad breakup  years ago, she registered to a online dating site and got plenty of dates, but none of it turned into a relationship. “I’ve found real friends through dating sites, but I didn’t fall in love at all with all of them. I had a blast with several of my dates but it never materialized into something else” she said.

I didn’t ask her if she made a list of what she wanted from her encounters on internet. Another one of my friends did made a long list of what she wanted in her future man. She didn’t put her photo on her dating site, and searched thoroughly every profile she found attractive. Her dating site had a possibility to search based on certain criteria, unlike Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the picture you find attractive or not.

My friend did find her match on internet. She got married this year after three years of relationship with him.

Her experience reminded me of this TED presentation, called “how I hacked online dating”. The author also made a thorough list of what she wanted from the man of her dream. And she found him after a heavy screening.

The economist and Nobel Prize Alvin Roth mentioned a good algorithm for online dating which would allocate men to women in such way it’s impossible to change the allocation without lowering the satisfaction of someone. The algorithm would work at its best if everyone is honest about his/her preferences without having the possibility to change these.

Yet, why some people are not satisfied with online dating?

Part of the answer is because people are not honest with that medium. Part of it is because we can be hindered by our past love experience. Part of it is because we’re not enough picky when it comes to choosing among that large pool of single people.

Some say there’s no part of seduction with online dating, especially with Tinder. “It must be particular to be in front of a man who already knows you desire him” said the actress Virginie Efira in a recent interview.

It’s not necessarily the case. Because the picture you see online may be different from what you have in front of you during the date. And looks aren’t everything. Personally, if I find the man very attractive but stupid and with zero conversation, I’m not sure I would show him I desire him. The same will apply if he’s mean with me.

Besides, because you never know in advance if your date would succeed, it’s worth spending time knowing your potential partner a little before meeting him/her. Two back and forth are not enough. I’ve learned my lesson from past failed experience. I hate wasting time with a guy who doesn’t interest me and who isn’t interested in me.

That also applies for Tinder.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Mine just for a moment (casual dating)

After a certain age, people don’t necessarily want to dive into a relationship right away. They are hindered by their past love experiences , especially all the failed ones. With that luggage, some want to take it slow with their date. There are no definition for that, except it’s also called casual dating.

It depends on the agreement between the two partners. But it’s not really a real relationship, because nothing is really planned in advance. Besides, casual dating doesn’t  involve sex, otherwise, it’s considered as a “relationship” like friends with benefits, where sex is indeed involved, and sometimes a deeper feeling, especially if you have been friends with benefits for years.

Casual dating is going to a movie, a theater, a party, a concert, … or just take a walk with your date. Some people look at this as a precursor to a committed relationship, while other prefer to date multiple people until they find the right one, with the risk of choosing no one, as we have difficulties to choose when there are too many options available. In both cases, it’s best to be honest with your casual date about what you want.

It’s not always clear you’re casually dating. Because you can sleep with someone on the first night you meet each other then decide to know each other better and start casually dating.

There are no feelings involved in dating. That’s why some people hate to date. Besides, dating can only be temporary. Because you can’t date a person forever.  As some point, you will need commitment, or end this situation. Commitment will come eventually if you enjoy spending time with your date. And if it’s mutual, of course.

The key is to enjoy your date’s company. It’s not always the case. That’s a good indicator.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

How you feel is the most important

We all look for advice in our love life, because love isn’t taught in school. There’s no guide to it. Only trials and errors.

Wisdom would advise us to stay away from relationships where we don’t feel well. With my ex-boyfriend, I felt diminished and not beautiful, because he never gave me any compliments, and criticized my choices all of the time. He criticized the book I’m currently writing, saying its pitch was too “simplistic”. I saw him liking female pictures on Facebook while he never liked any of mine. He never had a kind gesture toward me, like holding my hand in public, or a gentle stroke. He even told me I had a strange posture and that I should go and see a doctor. The list is long.

I don’t think this will change over time. I think my negative feelings when  I was with him will never change positively. I told him I felt on the defensive all of the time with him because he criticizes me a lot, and is judgmental. But he replied I should have asked his friends because he’s not judgmental at all. If it was the case, why his friend waited a long time before telling him she was a lesbian, while all his other friends were already given the news?

There’s no perfect relationships, because we are not perfect. There are no obstacles to having different personalities in a relationship. The key is the feelings you have for each other. If something tells you inside that you should leave, if you don’t feel beautiful when you’re are with someone, if you feel diminished, not appreciated for what you are, it’s the sole indicator you should pay attention to.

This is especially true after  you had sex with your partner. If you feel like shit afterwards, this isn’t the sign the relationship is healthy.

Only you will know how you feel. Listen to that inner voice.

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