broken heart, life, love, thoughts, women

The fragile seven years

Every couple is fragile during their first years together. The first seven years, if you can reach that stage, are the most fragile. Especially if you have children with your significant other. Or just one child. A child doesn’t cement your relationship. When you have a baby, your center of attention changes. All circle around your newborn. You don’ t sleep well because of your newborn, and you can stress about your little one because it’s a new experience and you can fear to do not well.  You can feel tired because of lack of sleep. And very irritable because of that.

On top of that, you can feel isolated from your significant other.  Because when we fall in love, we don’t focus on the little things unpleasant our significant other does. Worse, we can fall in love with someone who are just like the parent we have the most difficulties.  One of my friends fell in love with a woman who was terrorizing him, like his father did with him. She was mean with him. He even fell unconscious after a fight with her. All of his friends hated her. They told him he should leave her. But she left him after four years together for another man. And he still resented her.

Why  do we do that? Because we look for something familiar. But it’s ill-fated. Because we try to save our partner, to change him/her, in hope for a better future.  People don’t change much. If you can’t handle his/her defaults, you can grow tired of your significant other. 

I was touched by this post posted on the blog Broadside. She said her significant other is her rock. If you can’t say that about your significant other, maybe it’s time to question your relationship.  A rock is “someone you can turn to who’s as firm and solid as a boulder, something steady and calm to lean against and take shelter behind, a fixed point you know will be there the next day and the next and the next, no matter what happens” writes the author on her blog. In other words, your significant other should be your best friend. Not someone you can’t rely on.

A child is a blessing, but also a big challenge. It’s best if you can count on your significant other to care for your little one. Unfortunately, some men are scared by parenthood and find the easy way out. They spend more time at work, or take a mistress, or start a new passion, … anything that would make them unavailable.  By pulling out like that, chances are their significant other will grow apart from them.

So yes, we can choose the wrong person. And even marry that person. We all fail, from time to time. The long run will tell you if your significant other is your rock. The test of time is maybe the only way to know if you found the right person. That’s why the first seven years are important. Even if one of my friends took 11 years to realize her husband was the not the right one. And even me.

life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Opting out

In the #metoo area, are women all equal with men? Not that much. Women still earn less than men. One explanation is a trend to work part time. When you work less, you earn less. Many of my female friends choose to sacrifice their professional time to care for their young children. As they earn less than their husband, they accept to sacrifice a bit of their professional time. Their husband, on other hand, receive promotions, bonus, … In other words, they climb the social ladder, while my friends can’t expect that much with their sacrifice.

Another explanation is the wrong advice to do what you love. Most of the time, the things you love to do are barely financial profitable. I don’t earn anything from my blog, even if I love to write on it. Unfortunately, on social networks, like Facebook, I see many of my friends, mostly women, posting philosophical sentences like that on their wall. As if that goal was the golden rule. Failures are at high risk if you want to do what you love.

But there are also women who choose to opt out. Recently, I went to a conference where two startups CEO chatted about their wife. One of them said his wife is also an entrepreneur and have her own company. The other one said his wife choose to opt out because of their five children. “It was impossible for us if both of us were working to care for the children. When my wife was pregnant with our fifth child, we decided it was best for us if she stopped working” he said. The other CEO looked at him horrified. He said they don’t plan to have any child yet, because his wife and him were still too young. He added he didn’t want his wife to sacrifice her career.

I’m not really worried for the wife with five children, as she comes from a wealthy family. She didn’t have to work anyway. But for women who are not that wealthy, the choice to opt out is a terrible decision for their career and financial situation.

Unfortunately, their marriage can end with a divorce. And they can be financial fragile after a divorce. Their children will also grow up and leave the house. When you spend your time away from any social activity because of your kid, it can be difficult to end up alone when your kid leave the house.

Beside, when you have a daughter, what kind of model you want to teach her? To be financial independent? Or to marry a rich guy?  I can’t imagine a situation where you say to your daughter you want her to be financial independent while you are just married to a wealthy guy?

In our modern society, it’s also riskier to expect to stay in a long term relationship. We break easily. Is it because we are disillusioned and fall for anything glittering?