broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

A plan B

 

Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, gave recently a powerful speech about gratitude to thrive in adverse times. She mentioned that sometimes, we only have a plan B because the our first choice isn’t available to us anymore.

A plan B isn’t always available to us because we don’t make two plans every time. In our professional life, we do make two plans in case the first scenario doesn’t work. Sometimes, it’s just a buffer like a saving account or our regular work if we take a risk. Many writers do keep their regular job because their books are not well sold. But it’s a safety net for them, until they make it as a star.

In love, it’s a different story. Today, with apps like Tinder, Happn, Bumble, … we have the impression there’s always a better option if things don’t turn well with our significant other. But it’s just an impression, because we have to invest again in some dates before it can turn into a relationship. And dates don’t mean we will go into a relationship. I’ve been to many dates which didn’t turn into a more serious relationship afterward. `

Some people keep close friends with benefits or their ex’s in case their relationship with their significant other ends. But it can backfire. Because you can lose your friends with benefits once you begin to commit to your significant other. It’s the same with your ex’s. If you keep them in your life, you’re not very committing into your significant other, who can feel not very valuable.

One of my friends lost her friend with benefits when the man of her life eventually decided to come back in her life, after many indecisions. “I didn’t want to lose him” she said. “My friend with benefits understood. I didn’t see him again after” she said.

Eventually, your friends with benefits, and even your ex’s can fall in love with someone else, and commit in a relationship. And they won’t be available for you. Especially if they have children with their new significant other.

A good plan B for ill relationships is real friends (without benefits) you have kept close and who will be there for you in difficult times. That’s what real friends are for.

Some money too, is a good plan B for ill relationships, especially for painful divorces. Because you’ll have to pay for your lawyer, and it can cost a lot.  Plus, if you owned a house with your significant other, you’ll be relieved if you can buy the part he/she owned or can jump back quickly on your feet to find a new place to live. A friend of mine, who recently got divorced, lost a lot of money with the procedure, and was forced to sell their house, without making any profit out of it. Luckily for her, she has a good job, but it’s difficult for her to start back again a new life.

Money won’t ease the pain of a breakup. Only time heals a broken heart.

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 3) the passive-aggressive

The passive-aggressive guy can be recognized by his lack of honesty. He’s the one who will never tell you directly what he’s thinking about but will act with you very nicely, and even compliment you, while behind your back, he would say the exact opposite.

He’s also the one who can ignore you and be nice to other people simultaneously.

He’s the one who never do what you ask him to do. He can forget your birthday or to come to an important event for you.

He never takes the blame for himself.

In other words, he’s a two-faced person.

Usually, he will tell you bad things about the people he met. But when he meets them in a situation, he will act really polite and kind with them. People who lie have a tendency to have a high-pitched voice when they talk. It’s just a sign they are not feeling comfortable with you, but try to disguise their discomfort.

I know that because one of my ex’s used to have a high-pitched voice with the people he doesn’t like when we were in public. He would compliment them, even saying he was happy to see them. But his voice betrayed him all of the time.

So this should serve as an indication to know if he really likes you. If his voice tends to reach higher notes, even if he’s not yelling at you, this should be a sign he’s faking it.

But some passive-agressive men know how to lie. And they know how to control their voice.

Otherwise, there are signs they are not comfortable with you, like if he’s not able to stare at you for long enough, touches his face while speaking to you,…

But the best way to know if he’s loyal to you is to watch his action. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

He will drive you nuts if you stay too long with him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 2) the temper trap

Unlike the seducer, who’s not mean, the temper trap is really dangerous to you.

He’s the guy who overreacts all of the time to every situation he’s involved. He can shout at the waiter at the restaurant because he’s not served quickly enough. He can be rude to other people while he’s driving his car, especially when a bad driver comes by. He doesn’t like when he’s not right.  He ‘s angry when you don’t reply to his messages or his phone calls immediately. And when you get into an argument with him, he will accuse you of being a bad person, by carefully listing all what you did wrong, and doesn’t hesitate to take examples of the past.

He doesn’t know the word self-control.

He’s paranoid, but deep inside of him, there’s a fragile little kid who wants to defend himself at all costs. He will tell you he had an unhappy childhood because his father was violent. He’s victimizing himself a lot. Yes, he’s a bad kid you want to put in a corner so he can calm down.

He’s not fun to be with.

He can be violent with you as well.

Because of his overreactions, you will end up by fearing him. You will hear a nasty voice inside of your head.  This is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Who fear the one we love?

Unfortunately, this kind of man targets women who aren’t able to neutralize him. It can be a young woman who doesn’t have a long experience with love, but also anyone who falls under his authority. Or a woman who will try to save him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 1) the seducer

Ha, the seducer. In a party, an event, at work or just among your friends, you will immediately recognize him because he’s the only one who openly flirts with you. Usually, he’s either good-looking enough not to make too many efforts, or he tries to be funny and charming if he doesn’t consider himself handsome.

The problem is he’s not acting like that only with you.

And he has rehearsed his show to many women before you met him. He just knows which pick up lines to use to get what he wants.

He’s the guy who will take good care of himself, because he hates getting old and he constantly needs to comfort himself. So, if he has more beauty products than you, this should be a sign he’s a seducer.

He’s also the one who tries to get the attention. Everything about him screams “Look at me”.

On the good side, he will never say something deceitful to you, at least, at the beginning of your relationship. So you can ask him anything you want, as he wants to please you.

But this guy has a narcissistic crack who pushes him to seduce all of the time. Even if he won’t necessarily cheat on you.

He’s not mean. But trying to have a relationship with him can be exhausting.  As you can feel diminished by staying too long with him, because it’s difficult to be treated like everybody else.  Besides, it’s difficult to cope with his seducing ways with other women. It’s offensive to you when he compliments other women in front of you, or if he even flirts with them. Slowly, you will lose your self-confidence. And if you tell him how you feel, he will try to change, but he will always come back to his way.

So, when you met one of them for the first time, don’t hesitate to question him about his love life, his ex’s,… My ex got divorced two times. His first wife ran away. His second one left him because he had a child out of wedlock. Yet, I was foolish enough not to listen to those warning signs.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Crisis hinder divorces

In my country, the number of divorces has increased for the first time since 2008. According to notaries, the number of divorces has doubled since 2012. Notaries explain that the crisis has hindered people to get divorced. Now that the perspective for the global economy are getting positive, people don’t fear to lose their job and their income, so they don’t hesitate to divorce.

Why do we divorce so much?

As some of my friends say, the real rebels nowadays are those who stay married until death do them part.

Around me, I don’t know many couples who fall into this category.

Recently, I was attending an award. The man sitting next to me told me that one of the winners married  his high school sweetheart and never left her. And he’s very old.

So, one of my friends told me I should get married now, as an act of rebellion. But to be honest, I don’t think I can expect a ring from the one I want to get married to, although he says he loves me to death.

The thin hope I have comes from a friend of mine, who struggled for years to get married. Her man left her for another woman. She dated many men, but always came back to him. Eventually, he realized she was the one for him. But it took him years to realize this.

Like I said in a previous post, there’s only one person we run to. And sometimes, it takes time to see the obvious signs.

We make a lot of mistakes when it comes to love. Hence, the high rate of divorces. But some of us learn from our mistakes. And do manage to find the right person for them, even if it takes them several attempts to do so.

 

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Good riddance

According to statistics, the weeks just before Christmas see most couples to break up. I had a very recent example of that. Three days before Christmas, one of my friends’ mother lost her mind and flew away the country. My friend was left with her father and her two sisters organizing their Christmas dinner, which was nothing but sadness as she told me.  Her mom came back two days ago, and she asked for a divorce.

As the year ends, people often ponder about what went wrong in their life and what they want to change for the next year. In New York, on Time Square, there’s a box where you can drop a letter mentioning the thing you want to get rid off.

For some people, the wish is to get rid of their loneliness. But some also choose to get rid off a relationship.

We can get rid off a friend or a lover because he/she’s not treating us well. After all, true friendship and love should make you happy. If you feel miserable all of the time, it’s not worth pursuing the relationship.

The lover who’s never there, bring you down when you tell him/her about the difficult day you had, receive all your attentions but never reciprocate, get violent with you, criticize all of your choices,… isn’t worth your love.

The same goes with your friends.

So, I wish you a happy New Year. And a fresh start.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Never marry the rock star

In his latest book, “Antifragile: things that gain from disorder“, the mathematician Nassim Taleb takes one example to illustrate his theory of a bimodal strategy to avoid antifragility. “Female in the animal kingdom (in some monogamous species which includes humans) tend to marry the equivalent of the accountant, or even more colorless, the economist, someone stable who can provide, and once in a while, they cheat with the aggressive alpha, the rock star, as a part of a dual strategy“.

He adds it all boils down to  the search of good genes and economic stability, which cannot be obtained in one man, as the rock star ( aka the good genes) isn’t someone stable. And the accountant/ economist (aka the economic stability) hasn’t the good genes.

Well, I don’t really agree with Taleb, because nowadays, some economists are considered as the alpha males. Some get interviewed as if they were rock stars and found themselves in the same parties like the real rock stars. An example? Nouriel Roubini.

This economist got famous for predicting the housing bubble in the United States. He’s on the left of the picture, dancing next to Gwen Stefani, the lead singer of No Doubt. At his place, his neighbors complained about the numerous parties he holds with models and “it” people.

In France, they had also a case of an economist who has a thing for prostitutes and loves the spot light: DSK.

And in my country, an accountant, who regularly features on the media, got into trouble for his car, licensed in another country: an Hummer. He likes to drive it around with various young women.

The words “economic stability” don’t pop into my mind when I think about them. As for the good genes, well,  it depends on the definition of it. If it’s the intelligent genes, then why didn’t Albert Einstein attract a lot of women?

Besides, nowadays, as I see the alarming rate of divorce in my country, I can’t think there’s an economic stability with any man at all.

Relationships are more complex than that. And love, by its nature, is fragile.

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