broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

Do all men come back to their ex?

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of them was a foreign student during my College year. He went back to his country after finishing College. I’ve never heard about him anymore. One of them was a friend. We used to hang out a lot when we were in High School, but after we broke up, he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

But that was before Facebook. None of them tried to reconnect with me through that social media. Post Facebook, I’ve noticed my ex’s who are still among my “friends” sometimes like my posts and pictures. But they don’t initiate contact with me. They don’t ask if I’m doing good, but they see it on Facebook.  That social media makes us lazy…

There are some who only wish me a happy birthday and a happy new year. And that’s all they have to say.

So, it seems Facebook has done a good job of allowing ex’s to remain in contact. In some forms of contact.

Ex’s who really come back to me are an exception in my life. But two of them are just friends with me now.  “If he really comes back into your life, it’s because he’s your soulmate” says one of my friends.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The ex who’s still in your life

Friends without benefits

Recently, a guy I had a crush on when I was 13 sent me a message through Facebook saying he is single and had a crush on me when we were younger. He asked me if we could see each other again. But I’m not thrilled at all. Back then, I was so shy and had little experience with love, I only followed him like a lost puppy everywhere and did his homeworks because he asked me to do so. Of course, it didn’t lead anywhere. And shortly after, my parents decided I needed to change school, so I changed my school without ever seeing him back again.

He’s now the single father of two kids, working for a rehab center. He asked me to be friends on Facebook at the beginning of the year and introduced himself wondering if I remembered him. Of course, I remember him, and I remember the idiot I was back then. But though he’s still handsome, I have no common points with him anymore. He probably thought about me because I have appeared on TV several times last year. He said he watched every show where I appeared.

Is it something common to call back your flirt or your ex when you’re single and feel alone? Some of my friends agree. They say some of their ex’s are the first person they call when they feel alone, instead of going on a dating site or app to meet random strangers.

One of my ex’s, who has become a friend over the years, always comes back to me when it’s over with his partner. He recently left his four year relationship. But before it ended, he asked several times if he could come at my place. And I accepted. But he’s the only one I allow to do so.

Another one has tried to come back into my life, several times. But I didn’t let him do so. In fact, it’s complicated between he and I. I accepted to have a dinner several times with him, but at the end of the evening, I only wanted to run away because he tried to get back with me. Since then, he left me some messages on Facebook, but I never replied. He still acts like a jealous boyfriend with me, although we’re not together. He still watches me through Facebook.

A friend of mine told me she’s still friends with his ex, the one she got engaged to, but never married because she discovered he was cheating on her. “It took us a long long time to be friends. I accepted to see him again seven years ago, when he was in a relationship, and so was I. Both of our relationships ended shortly after. But I didn’t get back with him, because I know he’s not the one for me. Yet, I know I can count on him” she says. Yet, since she’s in her new relationship, her ex has moved to Thailand, and she has barely seen him. The last times she threw a party at her house, I didn’t see him around. And she doesn’t speak about him anymore.

What happens when you’re still in a “friends with or without benefits” zone with your ex, and you get into a new relationship?

Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t had any serious relationship since I broke up with my ex’s. No man has really replaced him. Yet, he and I are not back together either.

I also don’t know if I could be cool with a new guy who still sees his ex.

As for my friends,  some of them told me they were still seeing their ex at the beginning of their new relationship, but stopped because their partner got jealous, or because the ex  found someone else. I guess it depends on how the relationship develops over time.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Facing your love past

Getting your ex backRecently, I was planning to go hiking in Italy, but my trip got canceled at the last minute. So my friends invited me in their house to spend a little time with them. One of my friends offered me to stay at her apartment in Paris.

During that time, I asked my former BFF to meet him in a cafe. He’s a professor of mathematics now and teaches at the Paris Sorbonne. It’s been almost 17 years we haven’t spoken to each other. And when I found him on Facebook five years ago, he didn’t reply to my message. But he remained my Facebook friend.

He never wished me a Facebook birthday nor commented on any of my posts. But in march of this year, when I posted I was in Paris, he replied. I didn’t expect it at all. We exchanged a few emails after this, and we agreed that whenever we will be in each other’s town, we would go and have a drink together.

Weeks passed, but the occasion never happened. Until that day where I ended up in Paris. He agreed to meet me in a cafe.

I was really nervous on that day. Luckily for me, my friend who invited me at her place tried to make me laugh and told me to take it lightly.

I arrived early at the cafe. There was nobody inside except the bartender. I saw a man who looked like him standing outside. I sent him an SMS asking him to go inside. And then he sit in front of me. And started to ask me a lot of questions. But his questions were just about what I become, not about why I wanted to see him.

He told me he recently started to see our former group of friends. In 2010, when I got in touch again with an old friend who was in the same classroom than I in High School, she said my former BFF got dumped in 2008 for his best friend. His ex got pregnant and got married to his best friend.

It’s been three years now he’s dating another woman. He lives with her in the borders of Belgium. He said he finally accepted the fact his ex left him for another guy, and got in touch with his former group of friends, where his ex and her husband were part of it. He got invited to the bachelor party of one of his friends.

Yet, strangely, he has asked for his transfer to another university, in the South of France, far from his former group of friends, his family, and everyone he knows. I found this a little bit sad, because at his age, he should be pushing his career forward, and not retreating like if he was about to retire. As if he was defeated.

I know this feeling. In 2010, I wanted to leave my country to start all over again far from my life. But I chose to stay, as I have a lot to lose here.

Three days before my former BFF and his ex started dating, I kissed him because he protected me against many men who wanted to hit on me at a party where I was really drunk and vulnerable. The day after, i skirted the wall when i arrived in our classroom. I remembered my nose started bleeding and I had to run back to my place. And when I arrived, I fainted. I called my mom to come and pick me up. We went to the doctor and he said I had an infectious mononucleosis. The next two weeks, I couldn’t get out of bed because of this infection. But my BFF called to see if I was OK, and he asked if I wanted to be with him. I replied I didn’t want to.

When I got back to College, he was already dating her. And he became distant with me. We used to go out with the same group of people at the time. But he stayed away from us. Weeks passed until the end of the scholar year. I failed  all my exams, and I knew I wanted to leave to start studying journalism in another town. During the summer, I registered to my new College and searched for a room in my new city. I didn’t hear about him anymore from then.

I didn’t try to get in touch with him until now.

No wonder why I was so nervous to see him again.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The emotionally unavailable man

sex_and_the_city17Unfortunately for most women, we all dated at some point in our life an emotionally unavailable man. How do we know he’s unavailable? The most obvious signs are when he’s really absent from your life: he barely calls you, never return your phone calls, forgets to wish you a happy birthday, doesn’t attend your special occasions like an award, a book signing, … and doesn’t celebrate with you your milestones. He’s also the guy you can’t count on whenever life turns its back on you.

There are many explanations why he’s unavailable like that. The first one may just be simple: he’s married to someone else or in another relationship. He may also juggle several relationships while with you. In those cases, if you stay in such relationship, you face the risk of feeling unloved and getting angry on him. Unless you are also looking for a relationship with no strings attached, it’s best to leave a relationship like that. You won’t change him.

But sometimes, the guy is unavailable emotionally because of different reasons. He can shut down emotionally because he’s in the midst of a divorce or grieves a parent who just died. In those cases, it’s best not to force things. But we can’t stay in a relationship like that. A friend of mine experienced this recently. Her man was really affected by his divorce and wasn’t that affectionate with my friend. So, she told him they should call it quits but also, he could call her back when he feels better. So far, my friend hasn’t heard of him.

Then, there’s the guy who simply doesn’t love himself. Don’t expect him to love you.

Why do we choose unavailable men? I’ve noticed plenty of my friends fall for that kind of guys. Psychologists have an explanation: we don’t love ourselves that much.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Facebook vs reality

Facebook is dangerous to our mental health and suits better people who are narcissistic, according to several studies.

But also, try to do what you do on Facebook in real life. You won’t get exactly the same reaction from your friends and family. Some will even tell you your ego is too inflated, because in society, it’s best to keep it low, especially in my country.

For example, try to display your pictures you took on holidays during a conversation with your friends and you would see their reaction. Nobody expect to be disrupted in a conversation like that. And to be fair, when my friends come at home, I won’t show them my pictures, unless they ask for it.

Besides, yes, it’s great to see a picture of you on top of a mountain or holding an achievement. But for other people to see that, it can either cause admiration or jealousy.

To see too many pictures like that, especially if your life isn’t as great as it should be, can make you miserable.

I particularly resent when my friends post their numerous pictures of parties, holidays,… on Facebook. Partly because they remind me I’m not invited and I’m just here working long hours at the office.

That’s why I don’t go that much on Facebook. And I prefer to send my pictures to my friends who ask for it.

But to be fair, I see a particular use of Facebook, if you want to take a revenge on someone.

I’ve seen a friend of mine, since her divorce, posting pictures like crazy where she’s a at party or with friends, always smiling. I understood later she tried to show her ex she’s fine without him, as he dumped her for another woman. Hence the divorce.

I’m not mad at her for doing her best to show she’s happy. It’s the right medicine when you have your heart broken like she had.  Yet, I wonder if she’s that happy. It takes time to heal a broken heart. And I’m not sure Facebook is really helpful.

Once, someone tagged me on Facebook with pictures we took while we were in New York. I was surrounded by journalists who took as many pictures as they could. And they tagged me in pictures where I was laughing with some male journalists, and two where I was holding them as it was our last day together.

Immediately after that, two of my ex’s, who I didn’t unfriend, wrote me an email asking me how I was. Until that tag, they didn’t contact me at all. One even asked me to go and have a drink with him. But I didn’t reply to him.

The ex is probably the most difficult thing to bear on Facebook. Nobody wants to see his/her ex living a life happier than ours, especially with a new significant other. Remember that episode of Girls where Marnie looks frantically at her ex’s pictures on Facebook, with his new girlfriend? You get the picture.

But here, if you bump into your ex with his new girlfriend in a party, on the streets, or anywhere else, this can be painful too.  However, this can happen less frequently than on Facebook.

And remember this: the life we pretend on Facebook is not always as glamourous in real life. For instance, I discover a party girl, who’s friend with me on Facebook, has an impressive list of drugs, including anti-depressant in her bag recently.

There is always a side of us we don’t want to show. And that side, only our real friends can see it.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The gala dinners that suck

As a journalist, I’m sometimes invited to gala dinners. And I guess the more recognition I will have in my career, the more I will be invited to those events.

But so far, for me, it’s been difficult to attend those events, because I don’t really know all the people present there, and I often feel I’m not really in my place in those events. The only ones I really enjoy are those where I can see all my fellow journalists and the people I’m the most acquainted with in my professional world. Last year, I was at a cocktail in London invited by an investment firm, where I spent the evening chatting with French journalists and two fund managers, and we had a great time.

With experience, I tend to reach the people in those gala dinners who seem as lost as I am. And believe me, there are quite some people there who just wished they were elsewhere. The last time it was the case, it was in Berlin. I wasn’t invited at the CEOs tables. And except one or two CEO there, I didn’t know anyone. But I saw a table where one lady was sitting alone, and I sat next to her and started chatting. People started to join us at our table, and I ended my evening learning a lot of things on a company currently about to merge with another one.

But in my country, it’s different. I don’t feel at ease at all here. Especially when there’s my ex around. He’s a very well known economist in my country, and everyone knows him. In cocktails and gala dinners, he’s always surrounded by a lot of people. In other words, he’s always the star of the evening.

Usually, he will come and speak to me just for a few minutes, then leave me to talk to someone else. He also has the nasty habit of introducing me to young and not so important men who try to approach him, just to get rid of them. I find that particularly humiliating. Because usually, the guy just doesn’t get why he’s introduced to me and make very little effort to have a conversation with me. And I don’t feel like talking to them, as I really feel sorry for them. Sometimes, some of them do go into a conversation with me, because they realize they don’t really know many people in the event.

I prefer going to event where my ex is not around. But in my country, and in the financial sector, it’s difficult to find such events. That’s why I prefer going to charity events, or art events, where I’m sure not to bump on him.

And once, a friend of mine told me his recent experience at Davos. He met Nouriel Roubini at a cocktail party. A very well known economist. But in Davos, there are a lot more important people than him. As a result, Nouriel Roubini was left alone in a corner. “Nobody came to speak to him”  said my friend. “I felt a little bit sorry for him” he added. So maybe one day, my ex will be left alone like that.

So, how do you deal with your ex?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

What are his ex’s telling about him

Everybody has a past when we reach a certain age. That includes a previous love life.

When we date someone, it’s difficult not to know about the ex’s he/she dated, especially if there are children involved in the previous relationship.

And when it comes to our love life, it seems we keep on making the same mistake when we pick our love interest.

My friends always tell me I only date unavailable guys. It’s true that most of the men  I fell in love share the common feature of never making me as their priority. And as a result, I’m always the one running after them. It should be the other way around.

The last one I date was no exception to that. We lived in different towns and a different country. I was the one who travelled the most to see him, while he said he was too busy to come and visit me in my country.

But he was very clear with me at the beginning of our relationship: all her ex’s said he was too selfish and worked too much.

Another one I had said to me :”Generally, I’m very caring at the beginning of a relationship, and then, they all say I’m getting distant“. But I knew the reason why he left me was because I don’t belong to his world. All his ex-wives share the common point of coming from a wealthy family with large networks. This is not my case, as I come from a very modest hard working family.

So, yes, our ex’s can tell a lot about ourselves.

But I don’t understand why we keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again in our love life.

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