celibacy, life, love, thoughts, women

All my friends are falling in love

“All my friends are falling in love”, the new song from the Vaccines, popped on my Facebook wall this morning, with  a little video composed of various pictures from couples.

Facebook, Instagram, … are often criticized for their influence on our mood. People can  feel depressed by looking at the pictures of other people who seem to have a better life than we. So we can feel belittled if our “friends” on Facebook seem to are happy while it’s not the case for us.

But people select the pictures they post on social media. Even if they are depressed, or mourning the lost of a love one. Social medias don’t reflect our real emotions. That’s why you will only see happy pictures of your “friends” on Facebook and Instagram.

For couples, it’s the same. Especially when we fall in love. When we are in love, we just want to scream the love we have for our significant other. It’s tempting to post our pictures with our love one, kissing or hugging each other on social medias.  Even when we’re older, the temptation doesn’t fade away.

Is it difficult to only live the moment? After all, the feeling of falling in love is intense, in the first months of every relationship. It’s a phase when we can’t have enough of our love one, and want to be next to his/her every time. It’s called fusion. But it doesn’t last very long.

Yet, it’s precious. That’s why it’s so tempting to take pictures of our fragile love. We also are tempted to capture every short-lived moment. Especially if those moments bring joy. I do take pictures with my friends when I’m happy spending time with them. Sometimes, I post those pictures, to thank them for that moment.

But I remind I didn’t post any picture of my loved one on Facebook when we were in love and when Facebook was already running.

Is posting our love on social medias the new sign to say we’re off the market? Before, to hold the hand in public was the sign to say we’re off the market.

Besides, it’s also practical to introducing to our family and friends the one you love, even I would prefer if my friends and family introducing to me their new love one face to face.

It’s also a way to have revenge on our ex who let us down for somebody else. Even if it’s not a good idea.

So, do you post pictures of your couple on social media?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as an love counseller?

 

Would you listen to Facebook if the social media advises you to date a person its algorithms calculated your compatibility?

As the social media wants to be part of the world of dating site and apps, it’s possible that this outcome will happen sooner or later. But are we ready to delegate our decisions to an algorithm? Especially with love?

I believe we still have the last words in this situation. Because it’s not because an algorithm calculated the compatibility between two people it would lead to a wedding. We still have the choice to date that person, and feel attracted or not to him/her. Besides, the algorithm would probably used the data you left on Facebook, like your photos, the things you have liked on people’s profile, your messages and your posts. Is it enough to get a real view on our personality?

 That would be terrifying, honestly. Especially since the social media have been accused to influence people’s vote thanks to an analysis of their data.

Besides, is there a right person for us? The philosopher Alain de Botton says we will marry the wrong person, and it’s a good thing. Simply because we’re not perfect, and each of us have a history that has shaped who we are.

And we don’t like when there’s no choice. For example, recently, there was a free ice cream offered to everyone in my building, but there was only just one flavour: chocolate. Many people didn’t want the ice cream. I didn’t want it either. We have a sneaky way to rebel against thing.

And finally, it takes two to tango. Even if we are compatible, there’s a chance one of the “future” partners isn’t that interested or is emotionally unavailable.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

Do all men come back to their ex?

“All guys come back to their ex, in some ways”. That’s what I heard recently in a bar. From my experience, I can tell that all of my ex’s didn’t come back to me.  There are some who completely disappear from my life and it’s been years, decades even, since we broke up. One of them was a foreign student during my College year. He went back to his country after finishing College. I’ve never heard about him anymore. One of them was a friend. We used to hang out a lot when we were in High School, but after we broke up, he didn’t want to speak to me anymore.

But that was before Facebook. None of them tried to reconnect with me through that social media. Post Facebook, I’ve noticed my ex’s who are still among my “friends” sometimes like my posts and pictures. But they don’t initiate contact with me. They don’t ask if I’m doing good, but they see it on Facebook.  That social media makes us lazy…

There are some who only wish me a happy birthday and a happy new year. And that’s all they have to say.

So, it seems Facebook has done a good job of allowing ex’s to remain in contact. In some forms of contact.

Ex’s who really come back to me are an exception in my life. But two of them are just friends with me now.  “If he really comes back into your life, it’s because he’s your soulmate” says one of my friends.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as a dating site?

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The social media is currently working on a new button which will be available on our smartphone, called “discover people”. It will allow you to find new “friends” based on your common “likes” and interests, a bit like Tinder, the dating app. This new button is already available, but I don’t have access to it yet.

I don’t know if Facebook can be helpful for finding love. I read several stories on the New York Times in their section “wedding” where the spouses met thanks to Facebook, and the section “people you may know, because they were related in the past.

On Tinder, I haven’t found many men who share a lot of common “likes” and interests with me. I swiped right one man who had 15 common “likes” with me (and two common friends). But he never swiped me right. He was the man who had the more common “likes” with me. I’ve never encountered any other man like that ever since.

The only man who swiped me right with a lot of common “likes” (and two common friends) was disappointed when we started dating each other. We discovered many other common points when we were together, but it wasn’t enough. I found the guy on the defensive all of the time, and I felt weak and powerless because of that. One of my friends told me we have the same common point with defensiveness.

His pictures were very revealing about his behaviour, but I didn’t want to consider those. He had his arms closed on the two pictures he put on Tinder. It’s also the case for his Facebook profile picture.

It’s like there’s a catch when we search for a partner with common interests. On Tinder, what would you do if you found a man with many common “likes” with you, but has a profile picture where he’s close to another woman? (little advice for men who read this: never put a picture on Tinder where there’s another woman on it).

On Facebook, it can be even more difficult. It can be odd if a person you don’t know comes out of the blue and asks you to accompany him/her to an event you are both interested on Facebook.

Tinder works best with people aged from 18 to 24. Because at this age, they don’t care for their reputation. When we go older, it becomes more difficult. A friend of mine told me he would never used Tinder because people would recognise him easily.We are also more  defensive because of our past experiences.

I guess this new option on Facebook will also work best with young people.

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The shared values

values

Last year, one of my failed relationships taught me an important thing about my personal values. Your personal values are key to find the right person for you. It is wise to use those as a guideline for your potential dates.

If you place money on top of your values, chances are you will look for a partner who cherish money too. Of course, if you’re very wealthy, you will be suspicious if your partner is after your money instead of pursuing his/her conquest of money.

If you’re into parties, networkings, in other words, a socialite, it’s best if you find another socialite like you.

If you’re into books, news, debates, …, it’s best if you find someone who likes to read books,…

 In the last case, congrats, you’re sapiosexual if you look for a smart partner.

Tinder can be useful to find your perfect match according to your values. Just look at the common interests you have with that person. Sometimes, there are no common likes. But if there is a description on the profile, it’s worth paying attention to those words. Questions are also helpful.

But Tinder has its limit. A real conversation face to face helps you to evaluate your potential partner. And then, there’s Facebook too. Scroll carefully his/her Facebook profile, it’s very useful.

My mistake was to ignore details on his wall on Facebook like a post about how to seduce women (with alcohol).  I also realized we didn’t have that much in common, despite five common interests on Tinder. He probably liked the same things than me a long time ago. But it’s not relevant anymore.

I also realized how important it is for me to know if my significant other has a passion for books like me. At my place, there are books everywhere. When he came here, he just mocked the books I was reading, among which there was “Economie du bien commun”.

So, yes, our values are important. And we should never trade them for love.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

WillYouBeMyFriend

Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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