celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as a dating site?

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The social media is currently working on a new button which will be available on our smartphone, called “discover people”. It will allow you to find new “friends” based on your common “likes” and interests, a bit like Tinder, the dating app. This new button is already available, but I don’t have access to it yet.

I don’t know if Facebook can be helpful for finding love. I read several stories on the New York Times in their section “wedding” where the spouses met thanks to Facebook, and the section “people you may know, because they were related in the past.

On Tinder, I haven’t found many men who share a lot of common “likes” and interests with me. I swiped right one man who had 15 common “likes” with me (and two common friends). But he never swiped me right. He was the man who had the more common “likes” with me. I’ve never encountered any other man like that ever since.

The only man who swiped me right with a lot of common “likes” (and two common friends) was disappointed when we started dating each other. We discovered many other common points when we were together, but it wasn’t enough. I found the guy on the defensive all of the time, and I felt weak and powerless because of that. One of my friends told me we have the same common point with defensiveness.

His pictures were very revealing about his behaviour, but I didn’t want to consider those. He had his arms closed on the two pictures he put on Tinder. It’s also the case for his Facebook profile picture.

It’s like there’s a catch when we search for a partner with common interests. On Tinder, what would you do if you found a man with many common “likes” with you, but has a profile picture where he’s close to another woman? (little advice for men who read this: never put a picture on Tinder where there’s another woman on it).

On Facebook, it can be even more difficult. It can be odd if a person you don’t know comes out of the blue and asks you to accompany him/her to an event you are both interested on Facebook.

Tinder works best with people aged from 18 to 24. Because at this age, they don’t care for their reputation. When we go older, it becomes more difficult. A friend of mine told me he would never used Tinder because people would recognise him easily.We are also more  defensive because of our past experiences.

I guess this new option on Facebook will also work best with young people.

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celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts

The shared values

values

Last year, one of my failed relationships taught me an important thing about my personal values. Your personal values are key to find the right person for you. It is wise to use those as a guideline for your potential dates.

If you place money on top of your values, chances are you will look for a partner who cherish money too. Of course, if you’re very wealthy, you will be suspicious if your partner is after your money instead of pursuing his/her conquest of money.

If you’re into parties, networkings, in other words, a socialite, it’s best if you find another socialite like you.

If you’re into books, news, debates, …, it’s best if you find someone who likes to read books,…

 In the last case, congrats, you’re sapiosexual if you look for a smart partner.

Tinder can be useful to find your perfect match according to your values. Just look at the common interests you have with that person. Sometimes, there are no common likes. But if there is a description on the profile, it’s worth paying attention to those words. Questions are also helpful.

But Tinder has its limit. A real conversation face to face helps you to evaluate your potential partner. And then, there’s Facebook too. Scroll carefully his/her Facebook profile, it’s very useful.

My mistake was to ignore details on his wall on Facebook like a post about how to seduce women (with alcohol).  I also realized we didn’t have that much in common, despite five common interests on Tinder. He probably liked the same things than me a long time ago. But it’s not relevant anymore.

I also realized how important it is for me to know if my significant other has a passion for books like me. At my place, there are books everywhere. When he came here, he just mocked the books I was reading, among which there was “Economie du bien commun”.

So, yes, our values are important. And we should never trade them for love.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

WillYouBeMyFriend

Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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Uncategorized

Somebody I used to know (unfriend your ex on Facebook)

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Do you unfriend your exes on Facebook, or keep them? Recently, I had to unfriend one of my exes because I was hurt by a picture his new significant other posted on the social media, tagging him and two of their common friends. I just can’t look at this picture, it’s killing me. I did unfollow him, but it wasn’t enough. I still get his updates regardless that option.

Many sites advise to unfriend your ex on Facebook, because you can be miserable looking at your exes’pictures with their new significant other, or just their pictures where he/she looks happy, without you. If you stare at these pictures a lot, it won’t help you to move on.

But it’s difficult to unfriend your ex, because you can  regret your decision sooner or later. One of my friends told me his ex unfriended him on Facebook, only to request him to be friends again after some time away. I also did that with one of my exes, after three months of silent period. It’s like we can’t turn away.

Some people will react if you unfriend them, including your ex. But some people don’t monitor close their list of friends on Facebook and won’t notice if you unfriend them.

But why should we unfriend our ex on Facebook?

Well, if you’re hurt like me when you see a picture of your ex, that’s a good signal you may have to unfriend your ex immediately.

If you’re desperate to have your ex back, and send him/her numerous messages on Facebook, Whatsapp, Instagram, Twitter, … It may be wise to unfriend your ex too. Nobody likes someone who’s desperate to have them back. Besides, it may help you to have back your own life.

If your ex hurt you, by cheating on you, or worse, didn’t treat you right, you may also need to unfriend your ex.

The other question here is why do you have to stay friends with you exes? Why do you have them among your list of Facebook friends?

I can’t explain it, as I do have some of my exes as friends on Facebook. Maybe it’s because it’s just Facebook. It’s not like my exes are still in my life. In fact, I don’t see almost anyone of them anymore.

Yet, Facebook makes us have a permanent look at our exes’ life.  If our ex allows us to do it, of course.

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life, love, relationships

The closer, the better (when your group of friends strengthens your romantic relationship)

Can Facebook predict if your romantic relationship will last? Yes, according to Jon Kleinberg, a computer scientist at Cornell University and Lars Backstrom, a Facebook engineer.

It depends on the mutual friends you share with your romantic partner on Facebook (or in real life). Your couple has a better chance to last if your romantic partner is well connected to your network. “A spouse or a romantic partner is a bridge between a person’s different social worlds” said Kleinberg when his study was released.

In fact, it’s not the number of mutual of friends you share with your romantic partner that will predict if your relationship can last.

It’s a different dynamic at play.

Common friends can act as a counselor or mediator between you and your romantic partner. Of course, it depends on your common friends.

Many people I know don’t share many common friends with their spouse or romantic partner. Simply because they choose someone outside of their circle of friends. One of my friends, who’s about to get married, met her future husband on a dating site. I’ve never heard her speaking about their common friends. She went on holiday with her group of friends, without him, several times already. But she also tried to include him in her larger group of friends. I know him a little bit, but he’s always stood behind her whenever I went to their place. He didn’t try to be friendly with me. But it would have been weird for me if he started to act as my best friend. It’s curious, because two of her friends have now become two of my friends too. Whenever they are in my city, they call me for a drink of a dinner.

Besides, one of my friends got a bad experience with the common friends he shared with his ex. She left him after five years for one of his best friends. They are now married with two kids. My friend has moved abroad.

And how do you make common friends with your romantic partner? That is a difficult question. It can happen because you bonded separately with them before your relationship started. One of my friends met her husband through their common friend.   She accepted once an invitation to an exhibition by one of her friends. Her friends also invited a group of his friends, including her future husband. He simply introduced her to him during the exhibition.

But it’s true Facebook can give you an indication on how connected your common friends are with your romantic partner. The study shows we tend to like status, pictures and posts posted by people who are close to us. We may not like those posted from someone you just met twice in your life but asked you to be friends on Facebook. But for the people we like, it’s the opposite. For instance, I tend to like every picture, even if these are failed, posted by my sister, and my friends. I get that too, from my closest friends. I’m not surprised, when I get some analysis from my datas on Facebook, to see familiar names coming up in the statistics.

In real life, it’s also the same.

In a world where it is easy to find a romantic partner (or a one-night stand – hi Tinder), the common friends are much harder to find.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Facebook vs reality

Facebook is dangerous to our mental health and suits better people who are narcissistic, according to several studies.

But also, try to do what you do on Facebook in real life. You won’t get exactly the same reaction from your friends and family. Some will even tell you your ego is too inflated, because in society, it’s best to keep it low, especially in my country.

For example, try to display your pictures you took on holidays during a conversation with your friends and you would see their reaction. Nobody expect to be disrupted in a conversation like that. And to be fair, when my friends come at home, I won’t show them my pictures, unless they ask for it.

Besides, yes, it’s great to see a picture of you on top of a mountain or holding an achievement. But for other people to see that, it can either cause admiration or jealousy.

To see too many pictures like that, especially if your life isn’t as great as it should be, can make you miserable.

I particularly resent when my friends post their numerous pictures of parties, holidays,… on Facebook. Partly because they remind me I’m not invited and I’m just here working long hours at the office.

That’s why I don’t go that much on Facebook. And I prefer to send my pictures to my friends who ask for it.

But to be fair, I see a particular use of Facebook, if you want to take a revenge on someone.

I’ve seen a friend of mine, since her divorce, posting pictures like crazy where she’s a at party or with friends, always smiling. I understood later she tried to show her ex she’s fine without him, as he dumped her for another woman. Hence the divorce.

I’m not mad at her for doing her best to show she’s happy. It’s the right medicine when you have your heart broken like she had.  Yet, I wonder if she’s that happy. It takes time to heal a broken heart. And I’m not sure Facebook is really helpful.

Once, someone tagged me on Facebook with pictures we took while we were in New York. I was surrounded by journalists who took as many pictures as they could. And they tagged me in pictures where I was laughing with some male journalists, and two where I was holding them as it was our last day together.

Immediately after that, two of my ex’s, who I didn’t unfriend, wrote me an email asking me how I was. Until that tag, they didn’t contact me at all. One even asked me to go and have a drink with him. But I didn’t reply to him.

The ex is probably the most difficult thing to bear on Facebook. Nobody wants to see his/her ex living a life happier than ours, especially with a new significant other. Remember that episode of Girls where Marnie looks frantically at her ex’s pictures on Facebook, with his new girlfriend? You get the picture.

But here, if you bump into your ex with his new girlfriend in a party, on the streets, or anywhere else, this can be painful too.  However, this can happen less frequently than on Facebook.

And remember this: the life we pretend on Facebook is not always as glamourous in real life. For instance, I discover a party girl, who’s friend with me on Facebook, has an impressive list of drugs, including anti-depressant in her bag recently.

There is always a side of us we don’t want to show. And that side, only our real friends can see it.

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celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

It’s just a Facebook conversation

Two weeks ago, while I was about to jump in my train in Paris to go back to Brussels, I made a check-in on Facebook. I don’t usually do that. But each time I travel, my family wants to know where I am, so I use this check-in just for them.

I didn’t expect any comment on that check-in. But two minutes later, one of my Facebook friends left a  comment saying he was at the same place than I. It’s been fifteen years we haven’t spoken to each other. But there, he left a message as if we were close. And we chatted a bit after that, but there was nothing special.

To be fair, he has been liking a lot of my Facebook status lately, so I started to wonder if he was trying to come back into my life. So, I asked my friends if I should contact him, and they all replied I should, because at least, I would know what he was doing.

So, I left him a small message, asking him how he was, and if he would accept to have a drink with me.

It’s been two days now. And he didn’t reply. I guess he’s not interested.

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