celibacy, life, love, thoughts, women

All my friends are falling in love

“All my friends are falling in love”, the new song from the Vaccines, popped on my Facebook wall this morning, with  a little video composed of various pictures from couples.

Facebook, Instagram, … are often criticized for their influence on our mood. People can  feel depressed by looking at the pictures of other people who seem to have a better life than we. So we can feel belittled if our “friends” on Facebook seem to are happy while it’s not the case for us.

But people select the pictures they post on social media. Even if they are depressed, or mourning the lost of a love one. Social medias don’t reflect our real emotions. That’s why you will only see happy pictures of your “friends” on Facebook and Instagram.

For couples, it’s the same. Especially when we fall in love. When we are in love, we just want to scream the love we have for our significant other. It’s tempting to post our pictures with our love one, kissing or hugging each other on social medias.  Even when we’re older, the temptation doesn’t fade away.

Is it difficult to only live the moment? After all, the feeling of falling in love is intense, in the first months of every relationship. It’s a phase when we can’t have enough of our love one, and want to be next to his/her every time. It’s called fusion. But it doesn’t last very long.

Yet, it’s precious. That’s why it’s so tempting to take pictures of our fragile love. We also are tempted to capture every short-lived moment. Especially if those moments bring joy. I do take pictures with my friends when I’m happy spending time with them. Sometimes, I post those pictures, to thank them for that moment.

But I remind I didn’t post any picture of my loved one on Facebook when we were in love and when Facebook was already running.

Is posting our love on social medias the new sign to say we’re off the market? Before, to hold the hand in public was the sign to say we’re off the market.

Besides, it’s also practical to introducing to our family and friends the one you love, even I would prefer if my friends and family introducing to me their new love one face to face.

It’s also a way to have revenge on our ex who let us down for somebody else. Even if it’s not a good idea.

So, do you post pictures of your couple on social media?

Advertisements
Standard
celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Why can’t I be you? (Stealing your partner’s personality)

In theory, we should never change who we are or what we want for the one we love. But in real life, it can happen we can adopt the personality of the person we are dating. Especially in the six first months of any long term relationship.

When we fall in love with someone, we fall for the person who holds the promise of changing our life. So it’s not impossible to adopt the personality of the one we love.  If we find ourselves changing for a partner, maybe it’s because we want that change.

We may fall for someone who is different from us for that reason.  But we are all different even if we share some common points. Because we have each a personal history, which makes us who we are.

That person we are attracted may seem different because he/she can have some features very different from us, like blue hair, a certain style, … or some  crafts like hosting dinner parties, a knowledge about beers, a long list of travels, or whatever it may be.

But really, we are looking at those differences because we want to be that different. It’s a way of reinforce us in a sense.

I remind this story about a guy who falls in love with a woman who likes to swim with sharks, while he was afraid of water.

2

One of my friends told me she fell in love with a guy who didn’t drink and was socially awkward, while she was a party girl. At first, he was positive influence for her. Because she stopped drinking and going out, she could focus on her work. And got a prize for it. But eventually, she got tired of him, because he didn’t like to go out, while she wanted to have some social life.

In a way, it’s like an extraverted falls for an introverted. Many couples are like that.

Some do survive, because of compromises.

Some do not.

Standard
love

Is it hard to meet the right person?

Apparently, there’s a perfect age to get married, according to mathematics. If you tie the knot at 28 to 32, there’s a low risk of divorce.

But what if you’re 28 to 32, and you haven’t found the right person yet? I’m 36, and I haven’t met the right person. Does it mean I’m doomed?

Some of my friends have met their right person later than when they were 32. One of my friends, who’s 38, has just moved in with her significant other. She met him two years ago through a dating site. Does it mean her relationship is ill fated?

Of course not.

Last year, I attended two weddings where the bride was way over 32. One tied the knot at 38, eight years after meeting her future husband. She could have been married at 32, the “golden age”. But life decides it other ways. Unfortunately for her, at 32, her mother passed away. She was too distraught to think about engagement at the time. And her significant other got offered to work abroad. She let him go away.

The other one was 36 when she got married. She only met her future husband two years ago. So, she was past the golden age when she met him.

So far, I haven’t heard there’s trouble in paradise for those newlyweds. Only time will tell if their marriage can last.

Nothing can predict when we will meet the right person. We can’t decide when we will meet the right person. Because it doesn’t depend solely on us. There are other people involved.

We can meet the wrong person at 28-32. We don’t have a crystal ball to tell us we’ve picked the right or the wrong person. But there are hints: if your friends or family, or both, are against your significant other, this may sound like an alarm. Most of us won’t listen to this warning.

One of the brides who I met at her wedding had that warning signal. Months later, when I was at a party, I met the husband’s friends, who told me they didn’t like his wife. “She’s mean with him. She always shouts at him“one of them said.

The bride was 28 at her wedding, the groom was 32, so they had the golden age. Yet, for some reasons, I can’t help thinking their wedding is doomed. Because his friends don’t like her.  The wedding was really strange too. While the best man listed all the qualities of the groom, the maid of honor made a bland speech about how the bride and her used to bicker when they were younger.  After their speech, the bride got angry, and complained they made her look as if she was a mean person. “I’m always the mean one” she complained.

That was strange, but not the strangest wedding speech I’ve heard so far. The weirdest one was when the bride’s speech was done by one of her male coworkers… It was a bland speech, but hey, that was weird.

If I look at the divorce rate in my country (one out of two end up in a divorce in the cities), I would say we have it difficult to find the right person.

Besides, how do we know we have found the right person?

Standard
broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Merci pour ce moment

So, I read Valerie Trierwieler’s book “Merci pour ce moment” (thank you for this moment). Usually, I stay away from books which are hype for a wrong reason. But I realized I read very bad reviews about this book and critics on its author, so I wanted to make my own opinion on this book.

I felt close to her, to be honest. She wrote about how her relationship with the President of France started and its end. How she left her life to start an new one with him, only to get rejected at the end for an actress who comes from a very wealthy and powerful family.

Valerie Trierwieler reminds in her book she comes from a middle class family, like most the the French population. To put that in perspective, it’s like Michelle Obama, who came from a poor family, got dumped for a socialite like Paris Hilton (ok, not her, but someone who comes from a wealthy and powerful family like the Hiltons).

But she also explains how the presidency of France changed everything between François Hollande and her. How stressful and bitter it was.

As we know, France has been difficult to govern since the beginning of François Hollande’s mandate. And he disappointed a lot his citizens.He made his campaign against the world of finance. “My enemy is the Finance” he said in his famous speech at Le Bourget in January 2012. 

Since then, the French government voted a very light regulation against its banks, which pushed some journalists to write this book, “My friend is the Finance“.

The French government has already fallen four times now, due to internal fights in the socialist party, scandals like the Cahuzac/Morelle ones, and the rise of the right wing nationalist party Front National at the last regional elections.

And François Hollande has already made several mistakes, by playing it solo. Valerie Trierwieler reminds in her book about the infamous episode when she tweeted her support to the candidate who was running against Ségolène Royal, Francois Hollande’s ex and mother of their four children, for La Rochelle legislative department back in 2012. All of Francois Hollande’s counselors told him to remain distant from this battle, but he chose to support Ségolène Royal,  parachuted at La Rochelle, who got defeated by voters.

This book is the one of someone who loved and lost the one she loved. Unfortunately, many of great personalities have a desperate significant other at their side. And Valerie Trierweiler is not an exception.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The distance between us

To watch the one you love getting slowly out of love with you is painful. To try to get him back and to get rejected again is also painful.

This is a failure. Most of us experience failures through our live. As Albert Einstein said,  anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

But with love, failure is sometimes difficult to deal with.

Some of us move on and find somebody else to love. But some of us don’t. According to statistics, very few widows get married again. For divorcees, the statistics rise. But yet, it’s not 100%.

Some of my friends, who got divorced already years ago, have never found another man. One of them has been single for over ten years now, and she has never experienced a serious relationship ever since. She has dated other men, but none of them really stayed into her life.  Another of them is too busy with her small children to think about dating again.

Another one has been desperately trying to get back with her ex. It’s been five years now, and she never gave up. Of course, her ex has moved on and is now the father of a little girl. But my friend still hopes she could come back into his life.

Unfortunately for her, one of our mutual friends, who was also hoping to get back with her ex, got what she wanted, after waiting for almost ten years.  Since she announced to us she was back with him, my other friend has been gaining confidence she could do that too.  I must admit I felt the same way as she after that news.

My friend has met other men. But none of them really interested her.

She didn’t realize our common friend had a strategy to win her ex back. My friend was looking to start her business, and she asked her ex to join her. She didn’t expect him to accept. But he did. Their business is now flourishing. Before, she was struggling between countless jobs she hated, on her own. Before, we used to spend countless nights drinking together to drown our sorrow. But since she started her business, I haven’t seen her that often. And we don’t go drinking together like we used to do. Instead, we just talk about our projects. She’s been my support since I publish my first book and is very proud of me, like I’m very proud of her.

As for my other friend, well, I hope she will learn her lesson.

Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 1) the seducer

Ha, the seducer. In a party, an event, at work or just among your friends, you will immediately recognize him because he’s the only one who openly flirts with you. Usually, he’s either good-looking enough not to make too many efforts, or he tries to be funny and charming if he doesn’t consider himself handsome.

The problem is he’s not acting like that only with you.

And he has rehearsed his show to many women before you met him. He just knows which pick up lines to use to get what he wants.

He’s the guy who will take good care of himself, because he hates getting old and he constantly needs to comfort himself. So, if he has more beauty products than you, this should be a sign he’s a seducer.

He’s also the one who tries to get the attention. Everything about him screams “Look at me”.

On the good side, he will never say something deceitful to you, at least, at the beginning of your relationship. So you can ask him anything you want, as he wants to please you.

But this guy has a narcissistic crack who pushes him to seduce all of the time. Even if he won’t necessarily cheat on you.

He’s not mean. But trying to have a relationship with him can be exhausting.  As you can feel diminished by staying too long with him, because it’s difficult to be treated like everybody else.  Besides, it’s difficult to cope with his seducing ways with other women. It’s offensive to you when he compliments other women in front of you, or if he even flirts with them. Slowly, you will lose your self-confidence. And if you tell him how you feel, he will try to change, but he will always come back to his way.

So, when you met one of them for the first time, don’t hesitate to question him about his love life, his ex’s,… My ex got divorced two times. His first wife ran away. His second one left him because he had a child out of wedlock. Yet, I was foolish enough not to listen to those warning signs.

Standard
broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

His real face

In my country, not so long ago, a politician killed his new wife after a weekend at the seaside. He’s not yet convicted for his crime, but the Parliament accepted to lift his immunity after hearing the experts report on the scene.

This episode reminds us that violent men can be found in every social category, and not the just among the poor.

Unfortunately, women who fall into their trap take years to realize their abuse and to put an end to this. Because usually, abusive men don’t show their real face immediately. Usually, they are quite charming with you on the first months of relationship, before turning into a monster.

A friend of mine told me her man was really charming when she met him for the first time. “He showered me with little attentions and thousand of messages at the beginning. He would write me a poem, surprise me at work with flowers, send me songs saying he was thinking about me. It was very passionate between us. Until I learned he had another woman in his life“.

He said we couldn’t stay together, but when I ran away, he caught me back, and said he wanted me to stay in his life forever. So he continued to contact me and we started to be lovers” she added.

This was a horrible situation because whenever we would be together in events, he would just either ignore me and chatting with all the people he knew while I would just sit at the bar and have the only conversation I could have with the bartender. If by chance, I knew some people during those cocktails, he would come to me and say things like I looked tired or I have gained weight, in front of my acquaintances. It was humiliating“.

Then I started to hear rumors about me. I learned later he was the one who would spill the details about our relationship. None of my friends who knew what was going on betrayed me” she said.

He invited me once to go hiking with him. And this is when I saw his real face. From day one, he couldn’t stop criticizing me, saying I don’t really love him, saying I was lazy, not that intelligent,… I felt diminished all of the time, but every time, I fought back and we had a lot of arguments. We spent our time walking and fighting, until one day, when we were really exhausted but not yet arrived at our final destination, he lost his mind. We passed through a herd of cows, but there was also a bull. He started to scream without any reason and held my hand very tight, forcing me to follow him to the bull. I told him to let me go, but he refused. So I twisted his hand a bit to get mine out of his grip, and ran away,far from the herd. He ran toward me and started to scream again, asking me why I did that to him. He turned pale, and the look in his eye got very dark. When I tried to answer him, he walked away and sit on a tree lying on the path not far away, without saying a word. I needed a moment just to recover from this, so I left him there. After ten minutes, he was still seating, looking lost. I reached for him and told him we had to carry on. But he wanted me to apologize. As I was tired, I apologized. I didn’t want to stay there or leave him like that. He then got up and held my hand again, this time softly, and told me we had to reach our destination. We didn’t say a word to each other until we arrived to the hotel. He went straight to the shower, stayed there for a long moment. When he finished, he told me he wasn’t sure we could walk again the next day because his right knee were hurting him. He still stood distant from me. The next morning, he changed his behavior, apologizing, and said we could continue. So I accepted. But we never talked again about this incident” she said.

There was another episode where he lost his mind and turned violent against me. He invited me to follow him in the South of France where he had a seminar for a week. But he said I would have to remain in secret during the day. Luckily, I could visit the town nearby, where there was a castle. But after one day, he changed his mind, and invited me to have breakfast and lunch with him, among the other people at his seminar. But he never introduced me to anyone. Because he said there were all irritating. Once, after a long day of seminar, he got back into our room really angry. And started to whip the bed with his belt. He looked at me and asked if he could beat me. I told him no, and left the room. When I got back, he was in the shower. He then told me he felt upset because he received a message from one of his father’s mistresses, asking him to come at her house to have a chat about his father” she said.

Every time we had an argument, he would victimize himself like that, reminding me he had a difficult childhood, with a violent father who abandoned his mother and her kids when he was 8 year old” she added.

But I realized I felt like shit every time I saw him. Slowly, I started to love him less and to tell him to stop whenever he was disrespectful. I’m not over him yet, but I’ve taken my distance from him” she said.

If he makes you feel like shit every time you see him, you should know he’s not good for you. Always trust your guts. And listen to the warnings.

My friend also said she felt guilty because she thought he was acting like that only with me while he was nice with his official woman. Or the other women they met. But the truth is, whenever he shows his real face, it doesn’t matter who is in front of him.

So, be careful.

Standard