celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

What are we fighting for?

Depending on our character, we will end up fighting or not with our partner on several occasions. If we’re the kind of people who avoid any conflict, and our significant other comes from the same breed, quarrels are likely to be rare. But they can come out from time to time extremely violent, because of the tensions kept underneath for long.

Some couples never fight together. However, they can use passive-aggressive behaviours to express their opposition to their partner. One of my friends told me her cousin pretends she never fights with her husband. Yet, when she goes and visit them, she has noticed that when her cousin is pissed at something, she just tries to culpabilize her husband by humiliating him in front of their guests. “This is how they resolve their inner conflicts together. They never shout at each other, I know” my friend said.

Some couples build up their fights. “Our fights always start like this. He blames me for something  I did, I get mad at him for saying that, and little by little, the tension raises between us, until we end up shouting and screaming at each other” R., 34, said.

Some couples start immediately the fight, on whatever occasion. “I’m a passionate person driven by my emotions, and when I don’t like something, I immediately lose my temper. This is my main flaw, I must admit. And it’s very surprising for the partners I had, who don’t get used to it for most of them”Y., 35, admits.

Fights are sometimes necessary to restore the balance in our relationship. They help us to release the tensions we ruminate against each other. We can’t be on the same wavelength than our partner all the time. We all have opinions and views on things that might be totally the opposite of what our partner has got. Hence the tensions and conflicts we can trigger.

Some couples need fights to reignite the passion between themselves. However, if they do fight all the time, this may be a sign that the relationship isn’t working.  There’s always a balance to find, and too much fights is never a good thing. Likewise, no fights at all can be suspicious too.

So, do you try to avoid the fight? And what are you fighting for?

 

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life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Hard to handle

One of my friends is going to spend the next six months alone, because her man has been sent abroad for a mission. And she said to me that she should take a lover during his absence, because she needs someone she can fight with.

That’s a strange reason to take a lover, and also a strange way to consider the other half of your couple. But when you think about it, the little fights with have with our partner have something special, because they make the relationship a little bit more thrilling. These silly little tensions are often ridiculous and start with nothing, and we often laugh about it afterwards. But I have the impression they create a deeper bond between lovers.

Of course, there’s a clear distinction to make between little fights and a true and really mean one, where you tell to your partner things you shouldn’t and that make irreversible damages to your relationship. By little fights, I mean contradictions to his/her point of view on meaningless topics or just really teasing, mocking gently your partner. Example: the light of your life never notices the thing he’s looking after in the cupboard or anything else, while most of the time, this thing is laying just in front of him. That pisses him, but it always makes you laugh, and it always pisses him more because you’re mocking him. Or he’s always mocking you because you can’t park your car properly and you’re a terrible driver (my bad). The starting point of all of these is just our flaws. We all have flaws, that’s what makes us human after all.

Most of the people around me told me they prefer a partner who’s insolent with them than one who’s subdued and has a smooth personality. “I need someone who can offer me a bit of resistance. A man who would say yes to everything I say and that would keep on repeating me I’m perfect is simply boring” I., 34, said. “I only tease and mock the people I love, so I expect it back from the man I love”L. 35, said. “I have the impression to be a kid again when we start those little fights. These moments are really precious to me, and I must say that, after a long day at work, these are more than welcomed. They relieve me from all my worries”O., 32, said.

I guess this is the language of love…

However, there are some rules for those teases. First, it should remain between you and your partner. You should never use the other people as witness of your little fights, because it can be really humiliating for you and your partner. Two of my former colleagues were a couple, constantly mocking each other in front of us, and we felt a little bit embarrassed for them.

Second, there’s a thin line between gently mocking and truly humiliating/criticizing your partner. And I must say it’s easy to cross that line.

Third, it should be sporadic, not constant.

So, what do you like, between a cheeky and a subdued partner?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Too late to apologise

I’m sorry” is a sentence we have to use sometimes because we hurt someone or have gone too far with the other. But there’s a point where this apology doesn’t work anymore, especially with the one we love. It happens because we turned temporarily into a monster, and each of us is able to do so, unfortunately.

We can hurt the one we love by cheating on him/her and then revealing the truth. Some of my friends think they prefer not to know if they’ve been cheated on because it’s really difficult to forgive your companion afterwards. “I can’t forgive him if he cheats on me. Luckily, he has stayed faithful to me, at least, that’s what I believe” said a friend of mine. “I base our relationship on trust, and for me, infidelity is like a betrayal, so I won’t forgive if he’s unfaithful to me, even if he kept on apologising”I., 32, said.

After infidelity as the line we shouldn’t cross, there’s physical violence.  Some people can’t forgive if their companion raise their hand on them. “Once, after a heated argument, he slapped me in the face. I just couldn’t stand it and left him two days after. I don’t want someone who’s violent”K., 35, said. “When we moved in together, we had a huge fight at the beginning because I was sick and tired of his mother constantly coming in our apartment and considering it as her home too. He was so pissed off that he threw his glass at my direction, and fortunately, it didn’t hit me. But I was shocked and decided straight away to move out. I didn’t want to accept his apologies” U., 32, said.

Infidelity and physical violence are something we aren’t all able to do. But we all can hurt the other by the power of words. “I blew all my chances with him because once, in a conversation, I insinuated he was just a loser. I didn’t say it that way, but as he kept on enumerating the multiple jobs he had in the past where he barely stayed for more than 6 months, I couldn’t help asking him if he was able to keep a job. He didn’t take it well. I apologised to him, but after that, he became distant with me. I should have kept my mouth shut” H., 34, said. “I criticized his passion for collecting car miniatures, saying it was childish. He got offended, and I understood I went too far and apologised, but he told me to get out of his life”T., 30, said. “When we met, I didn’t know if he was gay or straight, so I asked him about it. But I had probably wrongly formuled my question, because he got offended. Even if I said to him I was sorry for being too curious and not so diplomatic, he didn’t want to see me again“P., 31, said.

Of course, it all depends on our susceptibility and our capacity to forgive. Some people do forgive, even to the worst. “I was raped when I was 20, and after a long therapy, my psychologist told me it was necessary to forgive him for what he had done, so I could close this painful chapter in my life. So, I followed his advice, even it was really difficult”L., 36, said. “I believe his anger was temporary, and that I triggered this because of what I said to him, so I forgave him” N., 32, said.

So, have you ever said or done something you regretted afterwards? And what would you forgive, and don’t forgive?

 

 

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