life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Changes (the first move)

Now that the #metoo movement has gained traction, some people fear the relationship between men and women will never be the same. The line is however very clear between flirting and harassment/ sexual molestation. There is no problem when someone tell you how beautiful you are. It becomes a problem if that person asks you for a sexual favor or a kiss just after these words. But if it’s just an introduction for a casual conversation, it’s not a problem. Unfortunately, the person who tells you this may  not be very handsome. But if you don’t feel at ease with that, it’s always ok to be honest, or to shy away.

Men don’t deal very well with rejection. But it’s difficult for women as well. When I was younger, I had a crush on a guy who was my classmate. I dared to ask him to have a drink with me once, but he turned me down. I didn’t attempt to ask him again for a drink. Last year, he found me on Facebook, and asked me if it was possible to have  a drink with him. But I turned him down. As an answer, he unfriended me on Facebook. He could have been insulting with me, but he didn’t.

Some men, faced by rejection, insult the woman who turned down them. At my fitness club, two women recently discussed how insulting the men are because they don’t answer their questions while they are training. A woman who says no is not a slut.

Some say after the #metoo movement, women will make the first move more often, while men will avoid to say anything. With dating app like Bumble, and even Tinder, women can make the first move. Some men don’t mind.

The key, I guess, is to feel at ease. Nothing can be good if you feel on the defensive all of the time. But always listen to your feelings.


celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

LinkedIn and Twitter, a new way to find love?

The Financial Times ran an article today about the pursuit of love on LinkedIn. Yes, this professional social media is unlikely a mean to find love. But since it’s a social media, replacing real human interactions, it’s a way like another one. Especially because people try to put a picture where they look smart and professional, in other words, at their best.

I’ve been asked out twice through LinkedIn, by guys I don’t even know. One found me after I got interviewed on TV after my book was published. The other one just found me randomly.

I both turned them down, because I just got the impression they were after me just after my looks. I hate that. Yes, I know, it got to start somewhere. But I also need to feel appreciated for what I am.

I’ve been also hit on Twitter. There, the guy kept on sending me direct messages, to the point I got fed up. I felt overwhelmed. And the questions were not interesting.

He also found me randomly.

On Facebook, at the beginning, my profile was public, and I also received this kind of messages. Until I put my profile in private. Since then, no one dares to hit on me. Because they can’t find me.

I find this annoying to be fair. It’s  not very different from dating sites, where usually, I get a lot of compliments on my profile picture, but no one is able to start a decent conversation with me.

Don’t get me wrong. If a guy told me I’m ugly or fat, I won’t try to pursue a conversation with him either.

But if a guy I don’t know just compliment me on my looks, it just reminds me of my years in College, where during parties, there was a guy who tried to get laid with every woman in the room, and used the same pick up lines with everyone. Usually, it worked with the one who was completely wasted. All the other women turned him down, just like I did.

The guy was not very handsome, but was really determined to get what he wanted. As if we were just preys.

I don’t like to feel like a prey. I’m not a prey.

So, have you ever received love messages on unusual social medias like LinkedIn?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Yielding to advances

One of my coworkers is a well-known womanizer. Yet, when you see him for the first time, it’s difficult to believe this. Because he’s old, bald, frail, not really well-groomed. He reminds me of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings.

Personally, if a man like that was trying to seduce me, I would just run away. I’m not a shallow person, but I’m not attracted to men who don’t give a s… about hygiene. This is a big turn off for me.

Yet, my coworker has it ways with women. Another coworker of mine told me he scores big time with women in clubs. Usually, he’s drunk, and maneuvers his seduction like that. Alcohol gives him the courage to approach women. And like my other coworker says, “those who don’t respect themselves yield easily to his advances“.

I may sound old-fashioned, but I would never accept this from a man. I would just fear he has a drinking problem (which is the case for my coworker). Plus, I just believe if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you should never yield like that to any man.

And I don’t believe clubs are the right place to find the right person. Several of my friends, who have been heavy party people, admit the same. “People are often drunk , drugged , or just not themselves in those situations” says one of my friends. “And besides, it’s dangerous to yield to strangers. You never know who you have in front of you” she added.

So, make your suitor wait 😉 Only fools rush in.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A little bit of competition

Men like it when there’s competition. That’s what told me a guy I met in a seminar, when we talked about the possible creation of an alternative trading system for small and mid caps companies in Europe. He said this would bring competition to the market, and that competition is always good, like in love. “It gets more interesting when there’s competition in love” he said.

Is it?

From a female perspective, I can say that I hate when there’s competition for a man. Jealousy can be poisonous.

But from a male perspective, that’s different. Take for example this experience:

Once, we were invited to a party, but my man quickly disappeared to chat with his coworkers and left me alone. I had noticed when I entered the room that one guy was heavily staring at me, so I decided to have a chat with him. He was very funny and made me laugh. Two minutes later, my man came back at my side and wondered what was going on. He looked at the guy and told me we’d better go home”  J., 34, said.

When I met him, he was surrounded by women and had many female friends. He was a player, in other words. But I had also male friends who kept on inviting me to go to the cinema, to art exhibitions, to conferences. And I heavily counted on them to take me out as much as possible at the beginning of our relationship. I didn’t want him to think I was easy. So, he became jealous. Three months after our first date, he asked me if we could be exclusive to each other, because he couldn’t stand me going out with my male friends. I didn’t stop seeing them, though. I still go out with them to art exhibitions,… but at a slower pace” G., 35, said.

This competition doesn’t work all of the time though. It depends also on the bond you have with your significant other. And there’s also a rule: it doesn’t work if you sleep with your male friends.

A male friend of mine told me he used to date a woman who had four different lovers. He discovered it after three months and was shocked to learn about it. So he dumped her. “I didn’t feel she wanted me. I was just another lover to her” he said.

And it also depends on how you treat your significant other.

She kept on nagging on me for everything I did. So, if I saw her with other guys, I thought they were better than me, and I didn’t want to bother them. Trying to make me feel jealous didn’t work here” said one of my male friends.

celibacy, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Are you romantic?

When I talk about love with my friends, it always boils down to romantism. Most of us cannot conceive love without a bit of romance in it. And when it comes to sex, most of my friends and I admit that we can’t yield to anyone’s advance unless he’s done a proper courtship. A friend of mine recalls that once, during a party, a guy tried to flirt with her, and  managed to pull her out of the room. Outside, he just unbelt his trouser, and let his undies down. He told her to take him. She ran away. “Even if I was drunk, I would have never had done that. It’s just gross. Raw sex, with a guy a barely know, has nothing exciting on me. Who does he think he is?” she said.

When I was in College, I was once invited to a party where my friend’s roommate spent the evening trying to get a hit on me. I just had my heart broken at that time, and cursed on men all of the time. So, I wasn’t in the mood at all for the guy. And he didn’t manage to flirt properly with me. Instead, he spent the whole evening looking at me, and tried several times to tear me in one of the dark corners of the room. I just told him to get lost. Three days later, I bumped on him again at another party, and he tried the same approach with one of my acquaintances. And scored. I just thought to myself: geez. Like my friend, raw sex has nothing exciting on me, with a total stranger.

I guess that my friend and I fall into the category of the romantics.

Why romance is so important for most of us? For women, it’s because we all have the dream to meet an everlasting love. And if this dream may never come true, or just gets lost along the way, at least, we will have those precious moment from the beginning. So, courtship is important. But not especially like in a Danielle Steel novel. Eeewwww.

Most of my friends and I hate when it gets too cliché. For example, if he invites you to dinner and ask the local Mexican band to sing a serenade for you. If you hate to be the center of attention, chances are this won’t do the trick. At least, for one of my friends, it didn’t. She told me she thought the guy was a total loser for doing this. But it depends. If the guy does that to you on your first date, for sure, this sucks. But if you’ve been in a long term relationship, this might make you laugh. And produce an effect on you.

We all agree on one thing: if he does something that does touch your heart, that is considered as romantic. An example?

“He wrote me a song” C., 34, said.

“He invited me to have a walk with him, in his special place. Then we talked for hours about nothing and everything. We ended up caught up in the heavy rain. And we just laughed” N., 35, said.

“He got me the impossible interview no other journalist could have. And I didn’t even ask for it” F., 36, said.

He wrote me letters, sent me flowers, invited me to dinner, told me everything of his little secrets”O., 40, said.

So, are you romantic?

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Thank you for smoking

Smoking is bad for your health. But it isn’t that bad for your love life. In Europe, where multiple bans have risen for smoking in public places, smokers are now obliged to smoke outside of the pub/restaurant/building, and this can create multiple opportunities to approach the opposite sex. We call that smirting. When you smoke, it’s easier to flirt with people because you have a good excuse to start a conversation: the lighter/ cigarette. This is how one of my friends, who tries to stop smoking, has managed to catch some interesting guys. Of course, all of them were smokers. But because now smokers can’t light up their cigarette inside of the pub, more and more non smokers accompany their smoking friends outside, so they don’t stay alone inside.

Besides, a woman who smokes can carry a part of fantasies. You can find on the web many adult sites (like this one) about smoking women. In those sites, you can find women who smoke in various positions, sometimes obscene (I particularly remember one video where a woman was giving a blowjob between two puffs on her cigarette), but these have something a little bit fascinating, as the smoke surrounds their body like a veil. It’s not a pure coincidence if in the movies, the ultimate seductress is always a smoker. Take for instance Linda Fiorentino in the Last seduction, or Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. Even Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City is a smoker.

A woman who smokes is also considered as independent, and that can give her a real power of seduction. And besides, smoking, especially a cigar, is associated heavily with the blowjob. Smokers are also associated with hedonists who don’t refuse themselves any pleasure.

Of course, if you smoke like a chimney and carry around you a disgusting odor of old cigarette butts, it won’t have the same effect than if you smoke “sensually”.

I was a smoker when I was young. I really liked it back then because I had the feeling I was a rebel or something like that. But I never caught any of my ex’s because of that. This is probably why I quit smoking.

So, do you smoke? And if it’s the case, do you think smoking helps you in your love/sexual life?


broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Life for rent

I’m so afraid to fail that I won’t even try…

I went once to a lunch with two of my single friends who told me about their love life and how it was the Gobi desert for one, while for the other, “2008 is the year to get laid“. My friend who’s the less active sexually told us she had a problem talking to the opposite sex and flirting with men. “I don’t have enough self-confidence to ask out a guy I fancy” she said. My other friend, on the other hand, told us about her strategy. “In fact, I just try with every man I like, and if I fail, it’s OK, there are plenty other men in the club. And it works” she said.

My friend thinks that my less active sexually friend is just afraid to try to to flirt with men. “Before, I used to act like her. Then, once, I saw one of my friends taking his chance with every woman he just met, and didn’t give up until he had found one. It’s been seven months now he’s dating the woman he met like that in a club. So, I just imitate him, and I must say I don’t regret it at all. You never know. On a misunderstanding, it can work” she said.

My other friend admitted that an eventual failure in flirting with the opposite sex just blocks her to continue with another man. Maybe she should just try this: smile and say hello. The rest will follow. This is how I caught men before the light of my life. And this is how I caught the light of my life too 😉

Next week, my two friends will do a bit of rehearsal with the firemen’s night out in our city…

So, does a failure prevent you to go on cruising until you find what you were looking for?