life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

You and me, and your chronic illness

When you meet someone new, you don’t expect him/her to be stricken with a chronic illness. Especially if you meet that person through a dating site. But when you meet that person for the first time, he/she generally doesn’t lie to you about the illness. Especially when that person needs to take a pill during the date.

In real life, especially if you meet your partner through friends, you may have some indications. One of my acquaintances told me he met her significant other thanks to a common friend who introduced him to her. Their common friend told him she was just going out of the hospital after a seizure.  So, he was informed she had epilepsy before meeting her. But that didn’t hinder him to meet her.

After all, we are not defined solely by our illness. We’re much more than that.

But dating or living with someone who is stricken with a chronic illness  can be challenging. Because those who are affected by this are a bit married to hospitals, unfortunately. There will also be times when our partner simply doesn’t feel well and  isn’t available for us.

But we are able to deal with this. If we are able to accept our partner as he/she is.

Unfortunately, for some chronic illnesses, like multiple sclerosis, depression is often associated with the symptoms. And depression is particularly difficult to deal with in a couple, because the depressed mind is just not present.

Besides, when you spent a lot of time going back and forth to the hospital, it can hit hard your confidence. But it’s worse when you wait for the results of a medical test.

Yet, some chronic ill people find solace in their partner. After all, it’s good to have someone who stands for us in difficult times.

It’s also a good indicator for knowing if someone is really into you. Because players, cheaters,… won’t be present at your side if you’re hospitalized or if you have a problem.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Should I stay or should I go?

People often ask themselves if they should stay with their significant other or leave” said the philosopher Alain de Botton in a recent interview. “There is one rule: if we can say, after a thorough thought, that our pain comes from our partner, we should leave the relationship. But if we think  we could feel the same insatisfaction with someone else, we may choose to stay in the relationship. There is a difference between to go through  a difficult experience of life with someone and make that difficult experience because of this person” he said.

Alain de Botton also said the cult of romantic love in our western civilization has a disastrous effect on our emotional life because it prevents us to blossom by presenting us unrealistic images of ourselves.

That cult makes us hope for unrealistic goals as: to meet someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, who will seduce us immediately and exclusively, to have satisfying sexual relationships throughout our life, to be never attracted by someone else, to understand each other intuitively, to build a family without losing emotional and sexual intensity for each other, said the philosopher. Because those goals are unreachable, the feeling of failure is really high, he added.

So, do we expect too much from our significant other? Or from the person we just met?

It’s true that if we expect to be seduced immediately by someone beautiful from the inside and the outside, we can get ahead of a lot of disappointments. Because in this category, you can find narcissistic perverts, players or just people who are not really interested in relationships.

But we need to be attracted to our future significant to start something. This attraction can take time.  Like those who are friends for years before starting a relationship with each other. Or between coworkers who gradually fall in love for each other after spending a lot of time with each other. Or between neighbors. It’s far from the immediate attraction we can feel with someone we meet on dating sites and app like Tinder.

Love is accepting the other’s differences, says Alain de Botton. We don’t necessarily have to share a lot of common points with our significant other, as long as we accept him/her as he/she is.

The philosopher also mentioned that a couple is like a small enterprise, because of the multiple chores we have to share, and the budget we have to keep together. Those are a source of conflicts for every couple.

So, yes, it’s a difficult decision to make when we want to leave a relationship, especially a long term relationship. And it’s a difficult decision when we hesitate to stay in the relationship too.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, Uncategorized

Refriend an ex on Facebook

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Is it wise to refriend an  ex you unfriended on Facebook and other social media? This is a difficult question. The one question is why you had to unfriend your ex. Many people who unfriended their ex on Facebook said they had no choice because it hurt them to see how happy their ex was without them. It was a difficult choice because they knew if they kept their ex friends on social media, they will stare at their profile a lot. It doesn’t help to move on and forget about your ex, unfortunately.

In real life, unless you work in the same company or live very close to your ex, you don’t have this ability to stare at your ex’s life. If you live very close to your ex, or work in the same company than your ex, you can always take some time off very far away. One of my friends, who had difficulty to forget his ex, took three months to travel Asia and turned off his phone except for calling his family once in while.  His ex lived only 500 meters from him, and he kept bumping on her in the shopping mall next to their place or only when he was grocery shopping. Three months weren’t not enough for him to forget about her. But it helped him to forget a bit about her, because his travel was a real journey and gave him a new perspective on life. When he came back to his home, he changed his way of living, and it helped him to avoid his ex, who met someone else during his time away.

Facebook doesn’t allow to do this. Yes, there’s an option called unfollow, which prevents you to see what your ex publishes or likes on Facebook. But it’s not enough as I experienced. Because if his new ho  lover tagged him on Facebook while they are holding each other in their arms, or while they looked happy together, you can see that picture, unfortunately. There’s the option of blocking that person. Once you do that, that person can’t contact you anymore. But you can always see that person if your common friends tagged him/her on a picture or a comment. But if you block someone on Facebook,  and change your mind afterwards, you will have to refriend that person. As if you unfriended that person before.

So, why do we need to refriend our ex on Facebook? A first explanation is when your ex does ask you why you unfriended him/her and asks you to refriend him/her. It depends if your ex asked you that in Messenger or another app, or over SMS or email. If you ex asked you that over a coffee or a drink because he/she wanted to talk to you and you accepted to meet in real life, well, you can feel the pressure to do refriend  him/her. Sometimes, communication helps to ease resentful thoughts.  Sometimes, we need to be comforted our ex won’t do us harm, even on Facebook. But if your ex is a pervert and try to use your informations you post on Facebook against you, you should stay unfriended. A friend of mine told me her ex took pictures of her while she was in the shower, and threatens to publish those pictures on Facebook. In that case, yes, it’s necessary to block that a*** and to unfriend him.  And even sue him.

I guess there’s a good reason why you unfriended your ex on Facebook. Even if your ex asked you to refriend him/her, if there’s a good reason you unfriend him/her, it’s wise to stick to your decision.

But what if your ex didn’t notice you unfriend him/her? Or doesn’t react to that? There is no rule. Refriend him/her if you want to. But bear in mind your ex can move on, even marry someone else, start a family, … Do you really want to see that?  Your ex can also live a better life than you, even if it’s just seemingly. Do you really want to see that?

On the other hand, your ex also have a glance on your life thanks to Facebook. He/she can see you have moved on too. Nothing prevents you from living your own life, discover new passions, new hobbies, meet new people, have a good time with your friends,… and publish that on Facebook. That’s the best revenge you can have on your ex.

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Uncategorized

Somebody I used to know (unfriend your ex on Facebook)

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Do you unfriend your exes on Facebook, or keep them? Recently, I had to unfriend one of my exes because I was hurt by a picture his new significant other posted on the social media, tagging him and two of their common friends. I just can’t look at this picture, it’s killing me. I did unfollow him, but it wasn’t enough. I still get his updates regardless that option.

Many sites advise to unfriend your ex on Facebook, because you can be miserable looking at your exes’pictures with their new significant other, or just their pictures where he/she looks happy, without you. If you stare at these pictures a lot, it won’t help you to move on.

But it’s difficult to unfriend your ex, because you can  regret your decision sooner or later. One of my friends told me his ex unfriended him on Facebook, only to request him to be friends again after some time away. I also did that with one of my exes, after three months of silent period. It’s like we can’t turn away.

Some people will react if you unfriend them, including your ex. But some people don’t monitor close their list of friends on Facebook and won’t notice if you unfriend them.

But why should we unfriend our ex on Facebook?

Well, if you’re hurt like me when you see a picture of your ex, that’s a good signal you may have to unfriend your ex immediately.

If you’re desperate to have your ex back, and send him/her numerous messages on Facebook, Whatsapp, Instagram, Twitter, … It may be wise to unfriend your ex too. Nobody likes someone who’s desperate to have them back. Besides, it may help you to have back your own life.

If your ex hurt you, by cheating on you, or worse, didn’t treat you right, you may also need to unfriend your ex.

The other question here is why do you have to stay friends with your exes? Why do you have them among your list of Facebook friends?

I can’t explain it, as I do have some of my exes as friends on Facebook. Maybe it’s because it’s just Facebook. It’s not like my exes are still in my life. In fact, I don’t see almost anyone of them anymore.

Yet, Facebook makes us have a permanent look at our exes’ life.  If our ex allows us to do it, of course.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

The bill (going dutch on a date)

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In the world of dating, equality between sexes doesn’t really apply. Every woman I know expects the guy to pay the bill at the restaurant on the first date, and even on the next dates. It’s the part of the courtship. And even if we are in the 21st century, men are still expected to lead the courtship.

Many women told me if a guy lets them pay or offer them to go dutch, they think their date doesn’t want any commitment or are just stingy. One of them even told me she thinks the guy hates women in general, but can’t really be alone. In that case, why doesn’t the guy turn to prostitutes?

 “If they don’t pay, it just means they are not interested” one of them said.

In fact, it depends. One of my friends hates dates for that reason. “I hate going to the restaurant and think about sharing or paying the bill at the end with my significant other.   It’s a nightmare. Fortunately, I met him through friends during a BBQ, and he invited me at his place where he cooked a meal for me for the first time, and the next, and the next,… He doesn’t like to go to a restaurant that much, because he worked in many restaurants, and it reminds him of bad times” says one of my friends, who do agree to share the bill with me when we go out dinner together 😉

Another friend of mine told me he pays alternatively the bill with his significant other at the restaurant since their second date. “But I was a gentleman on the first date, I did pay the bill” he said.

My friend isn’t offended by the idea of having the bill paid by his significant other from time to time.

As for going dutch, some of my friends don’t agree because a date isn’t like going out with your friends.

Some guys think women are high maintenance or are stricken by the princess syndrome if they expect to have the bill paid every time at the restaurant. But all men don’t think that way.

I guess it can be a good indicator of your values if you don’t agree on who pays the bill at the restaurant during your dates. If you throw a temper tantrum because of the bill, it’s not a good sign. But at least, there’s an immediate reaction.

The worst, I think, it’s when one of two pays the bill, and the other holds grudge without saying anything. Like if the woman pays the bill, and the man thanks her for the dinner and the time they spent together, and then goes MIA for days.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

An online reputation

Why isn’t there a online reputation system for dating sites unlike on Airbnb and Ebay? Well, I guess the principal reason is people are not exchanging goods and don’t have a price, otherwise, it’s called prostitution.

With online dating, you only have your feelings and a little bit of trust to accept a date with someone you meet online. It’s impossible to leave a online review of your date afterwards. And besides, would you trust strangers who reviewed your future date? I’m not sure I would.

People have different needs, tastes, values, hobbies, … or simply different characters. I’m sure all the guys I dated even just for one date did find someone who was a better match than me.

Couple form or break up because of each other’s character. Some people just can’t get along with each other, that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t get along with other people.

Besides, a date isn’t as important as renting an apartment or buying a car. It’s not a big deal if you’re disappointed by your date the first time you meet him/her IRL.You always have the possibility to leave if the conversation turns cold. All you lost is your time, and you can limit the time you spent with your date if you don’t like him/her.

Unfortunately, there are liars on dating sites. It’s even inherent to that medium. Yet, if you spend a little bit of time asking questions to your potential date, you can spot if he/she lies. And usually, during the first date, you will know if he/she’s a liar, at least if your potential date lied on his/her height, weight,…

Online reviews forced people to be honest on Airbnb. But the reviewer can be reviewed by the host.

I’m not sure I would get a great review from my date especially if I left the date 30 minutes after we first met.

Out of emotions, we can say or write things we will regret afterwards.

There’s no need for review with online dating, because if you do like your date, and if it’s mutual, there will be a second, a third, a fourth, … date afterwards. If you don’t like you date, you simply leave your date.

 

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Those tiny cracks

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This morning, I caught the conversation of two of my coworkers talking about the new beau of one of them. She complained he didn’t like her schedule where she runs everyday after her work because she wants to clear her mind. “He criticizes me a lot” she said. My other coworker, who knows her man, told her his ex got into a depression after one year of relationship with him. “With him, I want to cry all of the time” the other said. “I also want to cry all of the time because of my significant other” added my coworker.

Why do we stay in destructive relationships like that?  There is not a day when my coworker doesn’t complain about what her significant other did to her or said to her. When I ask her why she doesn’t want to end this relationship, she replied she couldn’t, because she loves her significant other. Yet, it’s been almost one year where she’s very sensitive because of her lover.

In the long run, this relationship may not be sustainable. What’s the point of being on the defensive permanently with the one you love? In the end, you will end up spending more and more time away from your partner, not knowing why, just because you want to avoid him/her. Some people take years to recognize they are not in the right relationship.

Because you’re brilliant, kind and beautiful, you should never let any guy speak to you badly” one of my friends said after I broke up with my ex. “Don’t waste your time with that kind of guy. A guy should feel lucky to have you” he added.

I would repeat his advice to everyone who’s involved in a relationship where they are not treated with respect.

Permanent critics, cold shoulders, stonewalling are like cracks on your wall. If your significant other is unable to appreciate your success, or even share your joy for the little things in life, if he/she guns you down every time you say something, you will feel tired after some time. Sometimes, people take years to end that kind of relationships.

But a good indicator your relationship is ill fated may be the way you talk about your significant other to your friends. If you do like my coworker who constantly complains about her lover, then, it may indicate your significant other is not the right person for you.

I’m not saying you should leave after just one critic. After all, we are able to stand for ourselves, and able to replicate. But if your partner is unable to adjust to you, or if you’re unable to adjust to him/her, that may be the solution.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Tinder vs IRL

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Why do we need Tinder to meet other people?” asked recently my date. I was thinking about this question this morning as one of my coworkers told me her cousin met his future wife in the street. They were having a coffee in a cafe separately and he dared to ask her phone number. She accepted. My coworker was surprised about his move because “nobody ever does this anymore“, as she said. Everyone is on Tinder 😉

Is Tinder different than meeting someone in the street, asking him/her for his/her phone number, and beginning texting each other until getting  a real date? Yes, if you consider the situation where you meet in real life the object of your affection before going into a real courtship.

With Tinder, you don’t really know how your match looks like before meeting each other for a drink. You only have a picture, but also some indications like common (Facebook) friends and likes on Facebook. Some people also put their instagram account. You can see if they are into cars, sport, cats, food, just by looking at their instagram shots. You get some hints. But for the love at first sight, well, it’s not really it. But at least, you know that you match is looking for something, a hookup, or a relationship.  While asking for a phone number in the street is risky because you don’t know if the person is available. And you have a higher chance to be rejected.

With Tinder, that risk is lower, because if you just swipe many profile to the right, you may get a chance to have a match. You basically have more options on the table.

After the match, you still have to get a connection with your match. There’s not much difference than approaching directly an attractive stranger. If you’re boring, online or not, your match will simply try to get away. The nervousness is the same, online, or in real life.

Couples (or hookups) do form out of Tinder, as out of an direct approach IRL. The key is to make the first step.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The outcomes of being sex friends

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Some women accept to be friends with benefits (FWB) with a man they just meet, in the hope this  would lead to a real relationship after some time. But according to a study of 191 people involved with a FWB, only 15% got into a romantic relationship after one year, while 28% were back into being just friends, and 31% didn’t have any relationship at all with their FWB. 26% remained FWB.

15% is a low score for an eventual relationship. It’s far from what Hollywood make us believe about the outcome of FWB.

So there’s a lot of disappointment ahead for those who hope for a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

But what is being friends with benefits? In general, it’s an agreement when the partners don’t want an exclusive relationship and allow themselves to see other people. There are not really feelings involved.

In such case, it’s difficult to start a relationship from this point. Because when you start to see other people without commitment with your FWB, it may lead to jealousy ahead when you start seeing each other exclusively. You can’t just brush away the immediate past of you FWB.

Yet, some people still have hope about a romantic relationship out of a FWB.

One of my friends met a guy on Tinder two months ago, after the end of her long term relationship. At the beginning, they were just FWB, but it has evolved into a real relationship because she recently introduced him to us” one of my friends says.

I’ve noticed women who accept to be FWB often went out of a long term relationship or a marriage just before. It’s a kind of compromise, just like casual dating. Except there’s no sex involved in casual dating.

Some people think having sex with other people can help them to forget their ex.  Yet, when the breakup is too close from your new FWB, it may not help as you may have your ex still under your skin. It’s the same if you start right away a new relationship. It depends on people.

And even if you’ve been FWB for years,  coping with the breakup of a long term relationship isn’t that easy.

The lesson here is to not hope too much from a FWB. After all, the study shows you have a better chance to become just friends or remain FWB than to have a romantic relationship.

And it’s not a rule to be FWB. You always have the choice.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

There’s a limit to online dating

Why do some people find their match on online dating, and some don’t? One of my friends told me that after a bad breakup  years ago, she registered to a online dating site and got plenty of dates, but none of it turned into a relationship. “I’ve found real friends through dating sites, but I didn’t fall in love at all with all of them. I had a blast with several of my dates but it never materialized into something else” she said.

I didn’t ask her if she made a list of what she wanted from her encounters on internet. Another one of my friends did made a long list of what she wanted in her future man. She didn’t put her photo on her dating site, and searched thoroughly every profile she found attractive. Her dating site had a possibility to search based on certain criteria, unlike Tinder, where you just swipe to the left or right the picture you find attractive or not.

My friend did find her match on internet. She got married this year after three years of relationship with him.

Her experience reminded me of this TED presentation, called “how I hacked online dating”. The author also made a thorough list of what she wanted from the man of her dream. And she found him after a heavy screening.

The economist and Nobel Prize Alvin Roth mentioned a good algorithm for online dating which would allocate men to women in such way it’s impossible to change the allocation without lowering the satisfaction of someone. The algorithm would work at its best if everyone is honest about his/her preferences without having the possibility to change these.

Yet, why some people are not satisfied with online dating?

Part of the answer is because people are not honest with that medium. Part of it is because we can be hindered by our past love experience. Part of it is because we’re not enough picky when it comes to choosing among that large pool of single people.

Some say there’s no part of seduction with online dating, especially with Tinder. “It must be particular to be in front of a man who already knows you desire him” said the actress Virginie Efira in a recent interview.

It’s not necessarily the case. Because the picture you see online may be different from what you have in front of you during the date. And looks aren’t everything. Personally, if I find the man very attractive but stupid and with zero conversation, I’m not sure I would show him I desire him. The same will apply if he’s mean with me.

Besides, because you never know in advance if your date would succeed, it’s worth spending time knowing your potential partner a little before meeting him/her. Two back and forth are not enough. I’ve learned my lesson from past failed experience. I hate wasting time with a guy who doesn’t interest me and who isn’t interested in me.

That also applies for Tinder.

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