broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Don’t try to change your partner

Why some of us want to change our partner? I once dated a man who got dumped by his girlfriend because she left him for her yoga teacher. He pushed her to do yoga, as she was very stressed. He hoped she would change. Instead of changing, she changed her boyfriend. But my ex didn’t learn the lesson, as he tried the same with me. The relationship was ill-fated, but it was a rebound relationship for me, and I wasn’t really myself when I dated him.

Recently, one of my coworkers told me she gave an ultimatum to her significant other. “Either she accepts to go to therapy, or we call it quits” she said. Her partner is bipolar, and my coworker is worried for her. Her significant other accepted to go to therapy, but it’s only been three weeks now since the ultimatum. Unfortunately for my friend, her partner won’t change much even if she goes to therapy. And the therapy can last for years, as the bipolar disorder won’t disappear over night. It’s here for the long run.

Some people manage to have a great relationship with a partner with a bipolar disorder, because they accept their partner as they are. Because on the upside, bipolar people can be a great company. But on the downside, they can be unpredictable, inattentive, self-focused and promiscuous. They can be hot one day, cold the next one. But people with bipolar disorder can react differently during their down period. One of my relatives is just withdrawn during his down period. He just wants to be left alone. His family has adapted to that.

If you can’t cope with your partner’s personality, don’t try to change him/her. What would you say if someone ask you to change?

It’s not pleasant to be in a relationship where your partner pressures you to change because he/she don’t like your personality. Constant critics are a form of contempt, the kiss of death of a relationship.

As my ex’s ex-girlfriend, who disengaged herself from his critics, most people will feel the urge to disengage themselves from the relationship.

If you can’t cope with your partner’s personality, it’s best to call it quits.

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life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

The price to be loved

In my country, there’s a huge debate right now on College initiation rites. One university has suspended temporally those activities as one student got into a coma as she was forced to drink liters of water. But the authors of this horrible act didn’t get expelled from the university.

On Facebook, I noticed some of my friends posted pictures like this:

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There was even one who put a picture of his little daughter wearing that hat on her head.

In my country, if you want to do your College initiation rite, be prepared to be forced to sit naked in your vomit, eat things you won’t eat normally (mostly associated with private parts), to be shouted on, and to be forced to drink a lot of beer, very quickly, among other things very degrading.

Back then, I knew about all of this before going to College. So, I refused to do this when I was a student. For the simple reason that I decide when I want to be naked and I hate to be shouted on without having the possibility to retaliate.

But most of my friends chose to do so, as they were conditioned by their years of scouting. Most of them feared to be excluded from their group of friends if they didn’t do their initiation rite.

It was the case of my BFF. She didn’t want to be excluded.

When we were younger, she asked me to join her scouting team. I accepted, but after six months, I quit as I was disgusted to see how they were organized. There were two girls, who came from a very wealthy and powerful family, who ruled the group. They did nothing except shouting their orders to the other scouts. And they had a scapegoat: my BFF. The other members of their team backed all their decisions. But behind their back, some of them wished they would fail.

Things aren’t very different from this in College circles for those who did their rite. Usually, the president of their circle and those who had authority all came from wealthy and powerful family. And people didn’t get the same treatments during their rite. I remember I saw in the morning some looking really fresh while others were hurt, physically.

Yet, I know some couples formed during those rites. But few lasted.

My former BFF dated for one year one of the guys who shouted at her during her rite. Another friend of mine did that too. She told me she felt protected during her experience.

Is this the price to be in a group? Is this the price to be cool? Is this the price to get successful?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Let her down easy

In every relationship, tensions can raise just like that because we don’t fulfill our partner’s need. To avoid such a situation, we should make a clear demand from the start and not suggest anything. But that’s not enough. Breaking a promise for example can lead to arguments. But there are a lot of examples where disappointment is just around the corner. I’ve asked around me what is the most disappointing thing people can experience with their lover, and people replied in general that it has a lot to do with our deceived expectations. But sometimes, this has also a lot to do with disrespect.

“I will be disappointed  if he doesn’t treat me the right way. If he doesn’t treat me with respect, doesn’t talk to me very kindly, ignores me completely when we are at a party, forgets to wish me a happy birthday,… that would make me sad”U., 34, said.

My ex was never there when I needed him the most. He was too busy working. And was often abroad for his job. When I lost my mom, I could only talk to him briefly between two of his important meetings. I spent most of my time crying with my friends, but he wasn’t there to support me. He was also noticeably absent from my mom’s funeral. I had the feeling I only came second after his precious job. I got hospitalized six months after my mom’s death, and he wasn’t there, of course. I decided to call it quits and find someone who will be there for me, even if his job is very taking“Y.,36, said.

He would never listen to me, never value what I say. Never ask my opinion. I felt completely useless” E., 35, said.

“He was all talks, but no action. He would promise me everything, but never give me anything. Everytime he said he would take me to the restaurant or to the movies, he always came with an  excuse at the last minute saying we would do this on another time. It was the same story with flowers, concerts, travels,… He would forget about it or find an excuse to avoid it” P., 32, said.

“My ex would never let me talk during dinners with his friends or family and if I tried to do so, he would systematically make fun of what I said. Oh, and he didn’t like at all when I spoke to him. He said I was talking too much” M., 31, said.

“I will be disappointed if he doesn’t show he cares about me. That includes defending me when I’m in trouble, or not replying immediately to my call, even if it’s just to say that he can’t take my call. Oh, and I don’t appreciate when he lets me pay at the restaurant or don’t hold the door for me” G., 30, said.

If he lets me do all the works. I won’t appreciate if he doesn’t take part to the education of our children, doesn’t help me at all with the household chores and the family duties” C., 35, said.

If he doesn’t pick me at the airport or train station when it’s possible. My ex would have never done that, despite the fact he was unemployed at the time. Once, I had to arrive very late, and there was a taxi strike. Impossible to get home. I had to call my parents to come and fetch me. He didn’t reply to my call, and was quietly asleep. He told me he didn’t hear my call” S., 29, said.

The list can be never-ending. But when those disappointments are too frequent and numerous, maybe it should serve as a warning signal he/she’s not that into you.

So, what would disappoint you the most? And what do you appreciate the most?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

You’re all I have

Little kids often confuse the notion of having and being. They confuse the things they possess with their happiness. Some adults also make that confusion, and this can lead to a lot of disappointments/ bad behaviors. When it comes to our love life, this confusion lays the path to codependence. Some people tend to confuse love with codependence because of this. They think they couldn’t live without the one they love, that their life would fall apart. They don’t realise they’re in a one-sided relationship.

Some people who make that confusion are always unsatisfied. The confusion leads to a downward spiral where they have everything they could desire, but nothing really makes them happy. Everything easily bores them. This is how we can lose desire. This is also why we can multiply partners, and never find the one.

Learning that having is different than being can be difficult. Our education plays a huge part in this process. When you’re a kid, if your parents haven’t set some limits to what you can ask, this is how we can continue to make the confusion between our desires and our needs.  One of my friends, when she was little, was constantly jealous about the  rich girl in our class and always complained she had this and her not.  Her mother once asked her if  the girl was happier than her, and she had to admit it wasn’t the case. The rich girl was spoiled by her parents, who got divorced when she was 3, and was very affected by this. We could all notice that. My friend realised she was happy because her parents were still together and live a happy life. She stopped being so envious about the other girl.

I had a ex-friend who couldn’t make the distinction between her desires and her needs. When we were 17, her parents got divorced, and she started acting very oddly with me.  I thought she was jealous of  my happiness. She would dress like me (fashion and I at that time were two opposite things…) and think about becoming a journalist, just as I wanted. She also started to flirt with all my male friends. She ended up sleeping with the guy I was secretly in love with. Back then, only two people knew about my feelings for him, and she was one of the happy few.  Just before she betrayed me, we had a long conversation where she told me she couldn’t understand me, that I was so opaque. I didn’t understand at all why she would say that.  We took our distance naturally afterward, simply because I was moving in another city to do my studies. I just hope for her she won’t reproduce the same mistake with someone else.

Narcissistic perverts also follow the same logic, except that they can destroy their victim. It’s their only way to feel alive. To be.

So, what do you need to be happy?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Great expectations

It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain…

Sometimes, you can have all the signs he/she’s into you, but then you can’t really make it through the light. Recently, one of my friends got hugely disappointed by a promising relationship. She met an absolutely charming man in a party. They really got along, and they exchanged their numbers at the end of the evening. He called her in the morning, at work, and invited her to the restaurant. There, they couldn’t stop laughing during the dinner, but nothing happened afterward. She just received an SMS thanking her for the dinner. And the next day, he invited her as a friend on FB.  He sent her a message saying he would love to have another dinner with her. She accepted. They started dating just after the second dinner, she was over the moon. She said he told her he never met a woman like her, so brilliant and beautiful. She had the impression to be his princess. But three weeks later, he became suddenly distant with her, and a bit critical. “I didn’t understand why he did that. It’s like he put me on a pedestal, only to bring me down quickly afterward. From day one, he couldn’t stop complimenting me. It was so flattering. Then, all of a sudden, he started to criticize me. It was like nothing I do was good enough for him she said. She broke up with him shortly after.

She had probably landed a narcissistic guy or a player who only wanted her for her novelty (or for sex…). This is the modus operandi of a narcissistic. He/she will be quickly disappointed with you, even if in the beginning, he/she would place you on a pedestal. If you don’t want to fall into the trap of such a relationship, your best allies would always be time. With this kind of individuals, it’s best to be hard to get and let time do his job. If he/she gets quickly discouraged by you, well, at least you would have saved yourself from that toxic relationship.

Personally, I don’t believe in relationships that start on their wheels. I hate to be put on a pedestal, because I know how easy it is to get down from it. If it sounds too good to be true, then it’s not true.

So, do you think you’re hard to get?

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