broken heart, celibacy, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Left for someone else

To be left for someone else is probably the worst experience in life. You feel rejected, diminished, and you wonder what you don’t have and what ‘s wrong with you. It’s a betrayal.

I’ve been twice left for somebody else. The last case is very recent, but although I don’t love the guy, it hurts. The first time it happened, when I learned he was with somebody else, I fainted. We were together for seven months, when he became suddenly distant, and asked me if we could do a break. He was already seeing her during our break.  And he didn’t tell me he met someone else. One of my friends told me he had someone else. It was a shock for me. I asked him to leave me alone, and to stop contacting me. Months passed, until one day, he asked me if we could have a coffee. He was still with the other woman at the time. But he told me he needed me, and after many many excuses from him, we got back together, despite him being still a relationship. Years passed, and we managed to stay together. His relationship got sour, but we didn’t officially got back together.

I don’t say we should go back with the person who left us for somebody else. Because it depends on both people. People who leave their significant other for somebody else don’t necessarily regret their decision and feel guilty about this. Some people realise their new significant other is better than their old partner. Don’t waste your time trying to win back your ex if it’s the case. You will end up hurt again.

But what if your ex comes back and begs you to forgive him/ her ? In this case, follow your heart.

In this case, it really depends on the quality of your relationship before your significant other left you for someone else. In my case, I love him to death. He’s my best friend. We respect each other, and we care a lot for each other.

If your relationship was shaky before he left you for someone else,  maybe it’s not a good idea to get back with him. If he didn’t text you at all, didn’t show any interest for you, acted cold and distant with you all of the time, going back with him will mean you would probably go back to the same kind of relationship.  He will probably tries to go back with you because his relationship is over, because he’s bored, because he just wants to have sex,… It doesn’t mean anything to him.

And it takes time to forget the one who left you for somebody else. The betrayal is painful.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The man who doesn’t want to touch you

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Some men don’t like to be hugged or to hug you. They don’t like to kiss you passionately. Sex is a bit disgusting to them. Don’t count on them to give you pleasure by stroking gently your clitoris or licking parts of your body.

These men are often depressed. They don’t find any energy anymore and their libido is very low because of that. “One of my ex’s didn’t want to touch me when we started to date. I didn’t understand him because he was so charming during our first dates, but he didn’t want to have sex with me. At first, I found it very comfortable because I wanted to know him better and to be sure he was into me before any sexual encounter with him. But after four months, I thought we waited too long. When I tried to have sex with him, he turned cold. He told me to wait more. But three months later, nothing changed. And my patience ran out” one of my friends told me. “Later, he told me he was depressed. I should have noticed, since we didn’t leave his apartment that much, and I was cooking for him all of the time” she said.

Some men are just not attracted physically to you. They date you because it’s reassuring to them, as they may not accept their homosexuality. “My ex was ashamed of his homosexuality. He didn’t want to accept that and dated many women but he didn’t touch them, as I experienced. He would hug me, kiss me on the cheek most of the time, but he couldn’t have sex with me. Eventually, he came out” one of my friends told me.

Some men do have sex with you, and turn suddenly cold. Sometimes, it’s a way for them to punish you. “I had an ex who would withhold sex whenever he was mad against me. He could wait for months before having sex with me” one of my friends said. Sometimes, the reason is just because of an illness. Sometimes the reason is infidelity. Sometimes the reason is because you don’t seem to enjoy sex.

It’s hurtful because you can feel not attractive. In any case, it’s best to have a conversation cool and calm about this before ending the relationship.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The heart mender


I read recently this book, the Heart Mender, a very touching story about forgiveness. And I couldn’t help thinking about one of my friends, who lost last year her newborn. Her baby was only three days when she passed away. She knew during her pregnancy that her child had very little chance to live.

We didn’t hear about her for months. She didn’t want to talk to us. She became bitter about life, and told us when we got in touch with her again she hated herself and was a very bad company. We were completely disarmed with her, we didn’t know what to say to her.

Among my very best friends, she was the first to have a child. My experience just sums up with a miscarriage, at an early stage of my pregnancy. My other friends are still single. Things have changed a little since last year. My estranged friend is now pregnant again, and happy about it. Her pregnancy has gone well so far, and she’s about thisclose to deliver the baby boy.

My other friends have seen a change too. One got married, and is pregnant too. Another one is quietly dating a man who could be the one. Another one still hasn’t decided to settle a day for her wedding, but she’s slowly renovating the house she bought with her man two years ago.

As if her painful experience had influenced us. I guess it had. But we’re happy she’s back in our life.

We all have things to forgive. Things important. My friend has to accept and forgive her destiny for her little one who can’t make it. Another of my friends had to forgive her ex for cheating and mentally abusing her, to move on and find love again.

But it’s a difficult path. And we often need an external help. Boris Cyrulnik calls this person the resilience tutor, the one who helps us reconstruct ourself after a painful experience. How do we recognize him/ her? It’s the person who helps us to take a deep look at ourself and pushes us, naturally, to change, to evolve.

I had one. I met him two years ago. Before him, I was moody, shy, and hated myself. I thought I could never make it as a journalist.

But I also needed to see a therapist. I guess I needed two resilience tutors. One to realize who I was, the other to help me growing without him.

Because this man, the one that I fell madly in love with, can’t give me what I need.  And I have to let him go.

One day, I will forgive him. And learn to love myself more.

But it takes time, to forgive, doesn’t it?

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broken heart, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Should I stay or should I go?

You probably heard about this case involving yet another politician and a prostitute. This makes me think that Eliot Spitzer is not very clever because he chose to pay for sex (and at a high price) while others, like Bill Clinton, got it for free, but not with professionals. And also, that silence and sex cost a lot (5,500 dollars an hour). But what strikes me the most in this story is that Spitzer’s wife remains committed to her husband despite being humiliated like this. I guess she would never act like those women.

When you were cheated on, you have two options: either to stay or to leave. Staying in this case requires a great capacity of forgiveness, but also oblivion. It’s really difficult to forgive a cheating partner, especially because most of us still feel resentment after the act. It’s normal. Most of the couples I know who underwent an infidelity told me that this topic was a frequent subject of fight and that it always comes back into a heated argument. But it depends also on our conception of a relationship.

Many years ago, a French singer got condemned for hitting and murdering a French actress he desperately fell in love with. When they met and started dating, he was living with another woman who’s also the mother of his child. This woman chose not to interfere into this love story and let him go. She said in an interview she couldn’t prevent him to live his passion, but also that she will always be there for him. She stood by his side when he got send to prison for murdering the other woman, and they have rekindled their relationship since he got out of jail.

What makes us stay in this situation? What makes us forgive our cheating partner? Some women have no choice because they’re dependent on their partner. Some other don’t want to leave because they are afraid of the future/ the loss of their social condition. In the case of Mrs Spitzer, I guess this explanation applies. Some won’t simply leave because they think their partner is their soul mate.

This is why some couples accept little arrangements with fidelity, like Simone de Beauvoir and Jean-Paul Sartre.

If you find the one and if he/she’s not faithful, would you accept to stay in the relationship?

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Too late to apologise

I’m sorry” is a sentence we have to use sometimes because we hurt someone or have gone too far with the other. But there’s a point where this apology doesn’t work anymore, especially with the one we love. It happens because we turned temporarily into a monster, and each of us is able to do so, unfortunately.

We can hurt the one we love by cheating on him/her and then revealing the truth. Some of my friends think they prefer not to know if they’ve been cheated on because it’s really difficult to forgive your companion afterwards. “I can’t forgive him if he cheats on me. Luckily, he has stayed faithful to me, at least, that’s what I believe” said a friend of mine. “I base our relationship on trust, and for me, infidelity is like a betrayal, so I won’t forgive if he’s unfaithful to me, even if he kept on apologising”I., 32, said.

After infidelity as the line we shouldn’t cross, there’s physical violence.  Some people can’t forgive if their companion raise their hand on them. “Once, after a heated argument, he slapped me in the face. I just couldn’t stand it and left him two days after. I don’t want someone who’s violent”K., 35, said. “When we moved in together, we had a huge fight at the beginning because I was sick and tired of his mother constantly coming in our apartment and considering it as her home too. He was so pissed off that he threw his glass at my direction, and fortunately, it didn’t hit me. But I was shocked and decided straight away to move out. I didn’t want to accept his apologies” U., 32, said.

Infidelity and physical violence are something we aren’t all able to do. But we all can hurt the other by the power of words. “I blew all my chances with him because once, in a conversation, I insinuated he was just a loser. I didn’t say it that way, but as he kept on enumerating the multiple jobs he had in the past where he barely stayed for more than 6 months, I couldn’t help asking him if he was able to keep a job. He didn’t take it well. I apologised to him, but after that, he became distant with me. I should have kept my mouth shut” H., 34, said. “I criticized his passion for collecting car miniatures, saying it was childish. He got offended, and I understood I went too far and apologised, but he told me to get out of his life”T., 30, said. “When we met, I didn’t know if he was gay or straight, so I asked him about it. But I had probably wrongly formuled my question, because he got offended. Even if I said to him I was sorry for being too curious and not so diplomatic, he didn’t want to see me again“P., 31, said.

Of course, it all depends on our susceptibility and our capacity to forgive. Some people do forgive, even to the worst. “I was raped when I was 20, and after a long therapy, my psychologist told me it was necessary to forgive him for what he had done, so I could close this painful chapter in my life. So, I followed his advice, even it was really difficult”L., 36, said. “I believe his anger was temporary, and that I triggered this because of what I said to him, so I forgave him” N., 32, said.

So, have you ever said or done something you regretted afterwards? And what would you forgive, and don’t forgive?

 

 

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