broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

The poison of jealousy

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We all can feel jealous for various reasons. It begins when we are very young, when we are left alone for our newborn sister or brother, or simply because our parents are busy with their work.

Jealousy is a very powerful feeling. It can kill us. But that energy can be turned into something creative if we are connected to that feeling. It’s called emotional intelligence.

But unfortunately, jealousy can turn against us. Especially with our friends and our significant other. We can lose them because they have enough with our toxic feeling. “My ex didn’t trust me. She was jealous for no reason. She thought I had a mistress and she regularly searched in my pockets or my car, desk,… for a proof of my infidelity. I was faithful to her. But eventually, I grew tired of her jealousy and I ended the relationship” a friend of mine said.

Sometimes, the best solution is to talk with our significant other about why we are so jealous. “I realized she was jealous because I didn’t spend my time with her but with my friends. She told me she felt jealous because she felt left out in our relationship. She added she didn’t want me to end my friendship but find a balance between my friends and her. We agree on a schedule where I could still see my friends, but I could also spend quality time with her. It wasn’t difficult for me. I just realized I spent too much  time being single and with my friends” a friend of mine said.

But even if we feel honest with our jealousy, we can make our significant other miserable. “He was very honest with me every time he felt hurt by something I did. But eventually, I realized I didn’t feel free to do whatever I wanted, including seeing my friends, because he felt left out” a friend of mine said, who added she felt in a prison in her relationship because of that.

Jealous people are insecure. Some people do recognize they have a problem with jealousy, and go to therapy to save their relationship if they feel their partner is slowly going away because of their behavior.  But some people don’t.

If you feel dominated by the jealousy of your partner, and there’s no improvement, maybe your relationship is ill fated. Jealousy can be a poison for relationships.

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Jealous of your partner’s past

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Can we get jealous of our partner’s past? Yes, it’s possible. But it’s a poison. It is said Facebook makes us miserable, because we can’t help comparing ourselves to our friends, especially those who post a lot of pictures of themselves in awesome places, or with great people. With our partner’s past, it’s the same feeling. we can take his ex’s as a benchmark against which to measure our relationship.

Behind this behavior, there’s the reminiscence of our childhood, where we could compete with our siblings to have the love of our parents. I can see that with my little nephew, who is a bit jealous of his newborn sister. All of a sudden, he’s not the center of attention anymore, because his parents, and especially my sister, are so happy with their little daughter. And he reacts to this by being difficult or making some little accidents. Generally, he stops when we take care of him.

In our actual relationship, if the ex’s is still a important part of his life, we can also compete to have the love of our significant other. But it can torment us. Why is she still in his life? Sometimes, there is a good reason: the kids they have. But sometimes, there are no kids involved.

If there are kids involved, we can even get jealous of his kids. “My ex’s was very mean with my daughter. My daughter feared her, and was sad every time she went to see me at our house. My ex’s also insulted the mother of my daughter, even if I don’t have a good relationship with her” said one of my friends, who recently called it quits with her.

If there are not kids involved, well, why are they still friends?

But sometimes, even if the ex’s is not present in his life, we can get jealous of her. Because we want to compare to her. “Once, after a drunken night together, I began to ask him a lot of questions about his ex’s. But I reminded everything in the morning after, and it began to torment me. I realized he was very happy with her. I wondered if he was happier with me. We were constantly fighting because of that. I didn’t feel I was his love anymore. It was horrible” one of my friends said. She broke up with him.

Everyone of us, after a certain age, has a love past. The only way to avoid getting jealous of his love past is to focus on our actual relationship. But it’s only possible if we live the present moment. We need some self-esteem to enjoy these moments.

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The Year Review

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before? A speech in the House of Representatives of my country.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I didn’t make any resolutions

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes

5. What countries did you visit? Switzerland, Great Britain, France, Germany, South Korea, United States

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? Peace.

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? January 11: the day of my hearing at the House of Representatives.

June 2: the day when my little nephew was born.

October 13: when B. asked me to write a book with him.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My hearing at the House of Representatives.

9. What was your biggest failure? A documentary that never saw the light.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought? shoes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? The Pope Francis

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? extremists of all kinds.

14. Where did most of your money go? travels.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My hearing. My book.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

You can call me Queen Bee 😉

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?

Happier. Neither thinner nor fatter. Richer.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2013?

No.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? No.

24. What was the best book you read? The moment, by Douglas Kennedy

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? …

26. What did you want and get? A book with B.

27. What did you want and not get? A nice place to live.

28. What was your favorite film of this year? Frances Ha

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Traveling.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?  Peace

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

There’s improvement.

32. What kept you sane? My friends and family.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

34. What political issue stirred you the most? The debt crisis.

35. Who did you miss? some of my friends

36. Who was the best new person you met? C.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. A sailor without destination cannot hope for a favorable wind.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

n a cold night
There will be no fair fight
There will be no good night
To turn and walk away

To burn me with fire,
Drown me with rain
I’m gonna wake up
Screaming your name

Yes I’m a sinner
Yes I’m a saint
Whatever happens here
Whatever happens here
We remain

 

Have a great 2014!

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Jealous of his daughter

When you fall in love with someone who already has kids, chances are you will always come after them. But love, true love, should be able to include all the ones you really care about. And the one you love should be able to make a clear distinction between you and his kids.

But sometimes, things aren’t so simple. For example, a friend of mine met a man she really loves four years ago. But because of their busy schedules, they don’t see each other that much. And her man has a daughter he barely sees, so whenever it’s possible, he tries to spend some quality time with his kid.

Since she knows him, she’s been a little jealous of his daughter. Because her man tries to compensate the period where he wasn’t there at all for his kid. His only kid. Unfortunately for my friend, her man has just realized this when their relationship started. “And sometimes, I feel he’s way too close to her, closer than me” she admitted. “He always offers her gifts, while he forgot my birthday. He calls her several times a day, while he doesn’t spend much time on the phone with me. And I’m a little bit jealous of the activities he does with her, because he travels with her to marvelous places, while he only takes me to his private retreat. He always tells her he loves her, while with me, it’s not really the case” she added. As a result, her relationship with his daughter is really difficult. And the child, who will be a teenager really soon, doesn’t like much my friend too.

My friend tried to talk about her feelings with her man, but he got offended the last time she spoke about this. And my friend is thinking about leaving her man, because she doesn’t feel loved enough.

If you don’t feel at all like a priority in his life ( I don’t say you have to be his main priority), I believe it’s not worth staying in this relationship. Frustration is the worst feeling I think.

But this situation may be temporary, and if your significant other really shows you affection, you shouldn’t leave like that.

 

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Behind the Petraeus affair

http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/421326/november-15-2012/general-s-hospital?xrs=share_copy

After the Petraeus scandal broke, many of my friends wondered what the hell was going through Paula Broadwell’s mind to get into such a mess.

But depending on the age of my friends, the question was either oriented toward Paula Broadwell or the general Petraeus.

My older friends very very critical of her behavior. They said she was the one who seduced him by flattering him through her biography and following him everywhere. After all, when you look at her, she’s quite attractive.

One of my friends is married to a professor, who sees a lot of young and beautiful female students. She told me she has noticed many times some students trying to seduce him by sending him sweet letters  and following him in every of his lectures. Once, he crossed the line and had an affair with one of his former students. But it didn’t last, because of her jealousy and the age difference. My friend asked for a divorce. But while they were separating, she realized she couldn’t really let him go. So they canceled their divorce. And now, her husband is remaining very distant to his students, female and male.

Some couples do survive an infidelity. It depends on the strength of the bond you have with your significant other.

My younger friends don’t think the same about the Petraeus scandal. They say it’s his fault. He seduced her. After all, Jill Kelley was also after him. So he must have something attractive. His position could also influence Broadwell, who saw him as a mentor.

Love isn’t rational. It speaks to our unconsciousness. He may have speak to her beyond words.

Personally, I feel a little pity for Broadwell. She was the one who had the most to lose in this affair. Petraeus may have stepped down. But his career, at 61, is behind him now. While she, at 40, has still a lot to prove. Her work is now discredited. And she can say goodbye to any promotion in a close future.  Harvard dismissed her.

The risk was high.

And she blew it because she was jealous. Hurt too.

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Competing with your significant other

Recently, a friend of mine complained about the high competition in his company. “We fight all the time with each other because of deals. And they are all jealous of each other each time someone gets a new deal” he said. I replied it’s just human nature. When I won my award earlier this year, almost nobody congratulated me in my newsroom. I got comments like “Oh, I was also thinking about writing an article on your topic” or “That’s easy to win such an award when you know the jury” etc. The ones who congratulated me the most were those coming from rival firms.

I told him even couples compete with each other and get jealous over the success each other can get. “With my ex-wife, there was competition like that” he admitted. “She started to write for a magazine. But she wasn’t very confident, so she asked for my help. I ended up writing my articles under her name until she eventually stopped writing. I took over her. And she got jealous of me. Because I had more success than her” he said.

In my newsroom, I’ve often seen couples cooperating like that. A former coworker of mine used to let her husband (who was my editor at the time) complete her articles. But she never stopped writing. Eventually, she left my newsroom for another one. And her career is still on the right track. He, on the other hand, remains in the dark. She’s more successful than him.

Another couple in my newsroom works in tandem. They both follow the technology sector. But she’s a bit lazy and often let her husband write her articles instead of her. Yet, she’s still writing. And he’s not overshadowing her. Because he’s not motivated.

In the last case, it’s clear that this competition is taking a drain on my male coworker. When he was hired, he was a really promising journalist. But then, he started dating her, and he’s not motivated anymore by his work.

Is there a way to avoid competing with your significant other? Yes, but it implies an effort from both parties. And I believe it’s easier if you’re not evolving in the same field than your significant other. A friend of mine is a successful journalist and has the full support of his wife, who’s a well-known soprano. He’s also her biggest fan.

The problem starts when you get jealous of your significant other’s success. We may not know we’re jealous. Some of us can even sabotage their significant other. This is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

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Catch him and keep him

A friend of mine recently told me the unfortunate experience her friend is going through. She finally got the man she was in love with, but three weeks later, he slipped through her fingers to get back with his ex, who’s the mother of their two children. Since then, her friend has tried to get him back. But she did it the wrong way by harassing him on Facebook.

My friend told me she copied and pasted her conversation with her ex on Facebook, and then sent it to his two daughters.

She’s smart, beautiful, and funny. But when she falls in love, she doesn’t act rational anymore” says my friend. “She’s jealous, possessive. She turns into a pathetic insecure bitch” she added.

Facebook can be really poisonous to your love life. But there’s one option very useful with Facebook: Show in the news list. Or not.  Unfriend is also another option.

It’s difficult to see our ex getting friend with new women, or pictures of him with his new lover. My friend says her friend spies the profile of every new woman her ex is friend with on Facebook. Of course, it makes her mad.

So, no, don’t follow his news feed anymore. Delete that option.

Plus, if you want to get back with your ex, turning into a psychotic obsessed bitch is not an option. It would only make him run away. And you should never ever criticize his new woman, nor the ex he got back to. The best way to react to this is to ignore her completely.

Yes, we do suffer after a break up. I can truly understand the pain my friend’s friend is going through.

She fell in love with him 17 years ago, and she couldn’t forget about him. When she finally got him, she screwed up by being jealous, mean, and possessive.  And she lost what she’s been hoping for for years.

The key is never to show him you’re hurt. If you want compassion, turn to your friends and family. It’s OK to suffer after a break up. It’s OK to search for help.  But don’t show it to him.

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When women cheat

Unless you’re living on Mars, you probably heard this news about Kristen Stewart who cheated on Robert Pattinson with her director in the movie “Snow White”. Robert Pattinson has packed his bags and left Los Angeles.

Haven’t Kristen apologized and publicly recognized she cheated on him, maybe he wouldn’t have left her. But since paparazzis are following them everywhere, it would have been difficult to hide her affair.

One thing people should know when they cross the line of infidelity is that we should never tell the one we love about it. Of course, we should all know that if we cheat on the one we love, we face the risk of losing him/her. But when we think we’re honest to tell the one we love we were unfaithful, we should expect not to be forgiven for what we did.

Yes, we can be unfaithful. It happens, unfortunately. But nobody stands for long being cheated on. A friend of mine cheated on her man the first year they were together. She told me she realized she made a terrible mistake after that, and she never told her man about this. So far, they are still together and are very happy. She never cheated on him again.  If she had been honest with him, she may have lost him for good.

I guess it depends on the situation. But we should never tell about our infidelity, unless we want to end the relationship. Another friend of mine cheated on her man, and told him about it. Against all odds, he stayed with her afterwards. But their relationship wasn’t the same anymore. Her man became suspicious, angry about her. Three years later, he left her for another woman.

There are up and downs in every relationship. Infidelity can be part of it. Of course, it’s difficult to hide when we’re unfaithful. And our entourage can betray us. That’s why  a friend asks me to never tell her if I see her man with someone else.

As for Kristen Stewart, I hope she won’t turn like Britney Spears after her split with Justin Timberlake.

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It should be me

A few years ago, one of my friends got dumped by her long-term boyfriend. He left her for another woman, his coworker.

It’s hard to be dumped. But it’s even harder if we’re left for someone else. Especially if, like in my friend’s case, that someone else was already seducing our future ex while we were still together.

My friend told me she has a hard time dealing with the new love of her ex. Because unfortunately for my friend, she couldn’t sever the ties completely with her ex, as they have a little girl. So, she knows everything about his new life with his new lover.

When they were together, they used to go to his grand-mother’s place in the South of France every summer. Life was good back then, my friend told me. It used to be a retreat for them. All of their friends  stopped there to spend some time with them. My friend told me she has her best memories there.

But now, her ex is going there with his new significant other. And every time my friend knows about this, she’s on the verge of depression. She usually disappears, not returning any calls for a few days, then recovers, and moves on. It’s been four years now they are separated. Yet, my friend always hurts when she knows he’s going back to his grand-mother’s place with his woman. Because my friend feels  she stole her life.

Even it”s been four years since the split, my friend is still bitter about this. Although she has traveled a lot and has been dating other men, she’s unable to let this go.

We don’t forget easily betrayals. Because let’s be honest, what her ex did to her was a betrayal. There’s no other words for qualifying what he did.

My friend didn’t tell him how hurt she is by this. She said it’s useless. Besides, my friend doesn’t want him to show how vulnerable she is. She told me she just wishes he had remorses over what he did.

I also asked her once if she ever thought about what she would do if he decided to come back to her. After a long silence, she replied she wasn’t sure she would be able to take him back into her life. Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil says only 7% of people who separate end up getting back together, because the pain of rejection makes it hard to forgive completely our ex. “Trust is gone” said my friend.

indeed, trust is one of the cements of a healthy relationship. Once it’s gone, it’s almost impossible to trust the person who betrayed us again.

As for my friend, I also told her to think about how was her relationship with him. Most of the time, things are not exactly perfect. And sometimes, we’re not able to see we’re in an abusive relationship.

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Jealous of his ex (hard to handle)

Various French newspapers report Valerie Trierweiler, the new first lady in France, is overly jealous of François  Hollande’s ex, Ségolène Royal. Things heated between the two women at a recent meeting where Trierweiler used the numerous cameras in the room to show a peaceful image of the two shaking hands. But later, Royal complained she felt forced to do this.

The first lady of France has been with the newly elected president for 7 years now. Back in 2005, François Hollande was still with  Ségolène Royal, who ran for president in 2007 against Nicolas Sarkozy. During a TV show, Arnaud Montebourg, Royal’s then-ally, said back then that the biggest hurdle for her in the presidency race was his husband, Hollande. But at the time, Hollande wasn’t even thinking about running for the French presidency. Because he was simply lost and went through a desert crossing politically speaking. He was isolated from the socialist Party. In France, he was nicknamed Flamby or fraise des bois, because of his lack of charisma.

In 2011, Hollande came back into the political scene in France when he ran for the election of the socialist candidate for the national presidency race. Royal was also in the race, but she failed to collect enough voices.

So, Trierweiler and Hollande were already seeing each other while he was still with Royal. But the ex was still acting as if her union was solid in 2007. She even told journalists they would get married (they were never married) in 2007.

It was a messy situation from the start.

Their relationship only came to light in 2010. Before, they kept it secret. But it must have been tough for her, because as a journalist, she knew she could be disqualified for dating a politician. Especially since she was specialized in French politics. It wouldn’t be a problem if she reported on finance, sport, culture,…

Plus, Royal is still and will remain in François Hollande’s entourage. Because she’s the mother of their 4 children. And because she belongs to the same world than him. This is not the case for the First Lady. Because journalists are mostly observers. Some people don’t agree with me, because they say journalists and politicians often meet each other. During the day and during evening events.

So, Hollande and Royal keep a bond with each other. And this is difficult to bear for the person who occupies his heart now.

Recently, i read on a forum the comment of a woman who was mad after her man because she found old pictures of his ex in a remote box stocked in his basement. It just shows how difficult it is to cope with our significant other’s love past.

In that case, the ex belongs to the past, especially if the guy has lost all contacts with her.  But here, it’s more difficult, because the ex remains in the picture.

Personally, I think jealousy is poisonous in this situation. And it just gives to the ex exactly what we fear: power.

By being jealous of his ex, we only point out to our significant other that she may be better than us, unfortunately. I don’t know if there’s a good strategy for handling the ex. Mine would simply be to ignore her, just be polite with her if there’s an encounter, and ask him to change subject if he talks about her.

What would you do?

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