broken heart, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Breadcrumbing

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Breadcrumbing is the act of voluntarily leading someone on with texts, comments and likes on social medias, calls when you can’t pick up your phone, long conversations on Messenger, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Tinder,… with no concrete plans of meeting up.

It’s a grey area in relationships. It’s not a relationship, but it’s not no contact either. Breadcrumbers can be found in professional circles too. On Linkedin, I’ve noticed a lot of people are looking at my profile, without leaving me a message or invite me for a meeting. In the digital age, we all leave our fingerprints everywhere. Before that, we didn’t have that possibility or maybe just leave a written letter or a object to someone without allowing  him/her to answer. Today, with social medias, we can leave a like or a comment just by one click.

It’s a torture if you hope for a relationship with a breadcrumber. It’s also a torture when the breadcrumber is your ex or an former friend who has disappeared from your life. When you don’t really care about this person, it’s not a big deal.

Breadcrumbing can happen after a breakup. Some people can’t really move on and cut all contacts with their ex. You end up with an ex who still sends you some messages, who likes all your posts on social medias, and even comments on it. But that ex never asks to see you again. Sometimes, it helps some people to move on. After some likes on Instagram, Facebook, … and some comments/messages, some people disappear from your digital life. Breadcrumbers are one step of ghosters, those who disappear without a trace. They are a cousin of the “friend zone”.

Breadcrumbers feed their ego. But you can’t count on them to have a real friendship or relationship. There’s nothing more frustrating than having someone who tells you “Speak you soon” or “Let’s touch base later on” without scheduling an actual meet up.

There’s two ways of breaking this circle. One is to confront the breadcrumber and asks him/her what he/she wants from you. The other option is to ignore the breadcrumber. He/she’ll eventually get tired of breadcrumbing you.

If you are a breadcrumber with your ex, it’s also wise to unfriend him/her on social medias.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The warning

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Some people do warn you about their flaws when you start a relationship with them. One of my ex’s even told me on our first date he’s all sweet with women at the beginning of his relationship, then turns cold after some months. Even with this warning, I didn’t stop seeing him afterwards. It was a bad choice, because he did the same thing to me as he did with all his other women. But I was foolish enough to think I was better than his ex’s.

If someone tells you what his or her ex’s think about them at the beginning of a relationship, this is a big warning to consider. Even if the relationship is great apart from that, because your date promises you everything, covers you with gifts, offers you to travel around the world and puts you on a pedestal. The highs are high with players like that. The descent is painful. In my case, my ex’s suddenly turned cold with me after months of courtship like that. I learned thanks to my ex-boss he was dating another woman weeks after he disappeared, a woman who was one of his friends.

One of my friends says men are more likely to be honest like that at the beginning of a relationship. “They will tell you right away what they look for in a relationship. It is worth paying attention to their words” she says.

 If your date said they don’t want to commit, it’s a warning. But a change of heart can happen. Because one of my friends, who recently got married, reminded me her husband didn’t want to commit to her at the beginning of their relationship. After a year spent together, she wanted to move in with him in a new apartment, but he refused at first, saying he wasn’t ready to commit to her. He eventually changed his mind. Now they are married.

My friend had chances. But other men who say they don’t want to commit don’t commit to you. It depends.

Of course, in the beginning of a relationship, if he proposed right away to live with him or marry him, this must be suspected. It may be some words  he didn’t mean either. My ex wanted to live with me when we started dating. He even said we would get married some day. When it’s too good to be true, then it may be a scam.

Love doesn’t come easily.

But in the case of my friend, her man was already committed in some way in their relationship, because they were dating for one year when my friend proposed to live with him. He has a lot to lose if he didn’t want to commit to her.

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Ghosting, the break up 2.0

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Breaking up in the era of dating app has never been so simple. You simply avoid to answer any message anymore to your date if you were disappointed or if you have a better option. It’s called ghosting. But it’s acceptable if your relationship is not very far with your date, especially after just one date.

In 2014, the Huffington Post did a survey among 1000 people, and 11% of them answered they ghosted their ex. 13% of them said they were ghosted. If you had a lot of dates thanks to Tinder, Happn, match.com, … it may be an explanation to this. I’ve done it myself after many dates disappointing and I also have been ghosted by some of the guys I met through dating sites. It’s not a big deal, because you know it’s not the end of the world. Your life doesn’t change that much after a date which was disappointing.

But if your relationship lasted over one date, ghosting is not so acceptable anymore. But it depends. Ghosting is not answering your messages anymore, but it can happen that for a reason, you don’t answer your messages for some days.  The most obvious example is if you’re hospitalized after an accident or if you’re stuck in an area where the connection is very bad. And there are special cases. “One of my ex’s used to disappear for weeks where he would never answer back my messages and calls. But he always came back until I was fed up with his behavior” one of my friends told me.

What if your long term partner doesn’t answer his/her messages anymore, and plays dead?

A friend of mine said her husband suddenly disappeared. But she called everyone in his circle to know where he was. His parents didn’t know, some of his friends either. But after three days, one of his friends called her to say her husband was at his place. So she cornered him to have an explanation. “His friend didn’t say I was coming. And he let us alone to have an explanation. Yes, he was trapped. But at least, we got a proper break up” she said.

Unless you disappear in a place where none of your friends and family know, on a island with no population, it’s difficult to escape your partner. So, ghosting has a limit.

If you’re in a long term relationship, you probably know all of his friends and family. If not, then, he/she may be lying to you. Your common circle can prevent you to get ghosted by your significant other.

Yes, you can be ghosted. But it’s also your fault if you let your significant other go away without any explanation.

This says it all if you let things end like that after a long term relationship.

But I don’t say if you’re threatened or if you fear your partner you should have an explanation with him/her about your will to call it quits. A letter, an SMS, something distant, may be enough, for your own safety.

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Fifty shades of unhealthy grey

I read a lot, but there are books I don’t want to read, just because I’m against those which are popular for a wrong reason. For example, I didn’t read the book about DSK’s mistress, nor the one about our Royal Family written by a journalist, which made a scandal when they were released. I also tend to avoid Goncourt prizes and other prizes because of past disappointments. Yes, I’m a difficult reader.

Among those books I avoided, there was “Fifty shades of grey”. But according to a study led by a Michican State University, I have avoided unhealthy behaviors linked to reading this book.

When I saw the trailer for the movie, I thought it was funny I’ve never encountered such a situation. Because as a financial journalist, I often interview powerful alpha males. Some of my friends wonder if any of those guys have ever tried anything with me. But except one case, most of them just stay professional.

Unlike the lead character in the book, Anastasia, I don’t meet handsome alpha males like Christian Grey. First, most of them are above 50 year old, even 60 year old. Some of them aren’t good-looking. Second, they love being interviewed. They don’t interview me back. I had cases where the guys didn’t want to answer my questions. But hey, my interviews are not nice, because I tend to dig into financial datas to confront the guy. Oh, and I think they are not nice.

But usually, I’m often accompanied by either a PR or a photographer to do my interviews. I’m never always alone with the guy.

I would also hate to be treated like Anastasia, because I would wonder if I did send the wrong signal to the guy.

But like Anastasia, I sometimes don’t feel pretty enough. Yet, if any man tells me I should lose weight or do this and that, I tend to despise him and vow to avoid him.

Maybe because I’m older than 24, and have already experienced bad relationships I don’t want to repeat.

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The distance between us

To watch the one you love getting slowly out of love with you is painful. To try to get him back and to get rejected again is also painful.

This is a failure. Most of us experience failures through our live. As Albert Einstein said,  anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

But with love, failure is sometimes difficult to deal with.

Some of us move on and find somebody else to love. But some of us don’t. According to statistics, very few widows get married again. For divorcees, the statistics rise. But yet, it’s not 100%.

Some of my friends, who got divorced already years ago, have never found another man. One of them has been single for over ten years now, and she has never experienced a serious relationship ever since. She has dated other men, but none of them really stayed into her life.  Another of them is too busy with her small children to think about dating again.

Another one has been desperately trying to get back with her ex. It’s been five years now, and she never gave up. Of course, her ex has moved on and is now the father of a little girl. But my friend still hopes she could come back into his life.

Unfortunately for her, one of our mutual friends, who was also hoping to get back with her ex, got what she wanted, after waiting for almost ten years.  Since she announced to us she was back with him, my other friend has been gaining confidence she could do that too.  I must admit I felt the same way as she after that news.

My friend has met other men. But none of them really interested her.

She didn’t realize our common friend had a strategy to win her ex back. My friend was looking to start her business, and she asked her ex to join her. She didn’t expect him to accept. But he did. Their business is now flourishing. Before, she was struggling between countless jobs she hated, on her own. Before, we used to spend countless nights drinking together to drown our sorrow. But since she started her business, I haven’t seen her that often. And we don’t go drinking together like we used to do. Instead, we just talk about our projects. She’s been my support since I publish my first book and is very proud of me, like I’m very proud of her.

As for my other friend, well, I hope she will learn her lesson.

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The guy you don’t want to date: 4) the self-destructive dude

Some weeks ago, one of my former coworkers passed away. He was only 38. But his life followed a destructive path. Four years ago, his wife died of a cancer, and six months later, he also lost his father to cancer. The pain was so much for him he started to drink to cope with it. As a result, he wasn’t able to do his job of journalist properly. And he got fired quickly from his two next   jobs, because he was busted drinking in his car during the pause, among other things. The alcohol he drank damaged his liver and he got stricken by cancer.

This tragic event shows some people choose to self-destruct themselves and you can never do anything to change them, unless they want to clean their act.

The self-destructive man, like the passive-aggressive one, has problem to deal with his inner emotions, including his anger. And instead of letting it out like the temper trap, he will turn his anger against himself. The passive-aggressive man will just find a deviant way to show his anger.

Unfortunately, if you fall in love with someone like that, you can only watch him destroying himself, either by alcohol, drugs, … He has suicidal tendencies.

He doesn’t change with time. When you meet him for the first time, you can notice he has something unhealthy about him. He’s not well groomed. And when he doesn’t feel comfortable, he will look for alcohol or anything else that will help him to deal with his inner emotions.

Once, I had a date with a guy I met on dating sites, who seemed absolutely charming when we were chatting online. But when I saw him arriving at the restaurant, I noticed he was a bit clumsy, and to be frank, I wondered what the hell I was doing there. When he sat in front of me, I saw dark circles around his eyes, the grey of his skin, and the yellow at the tip of his fingers. He quickly ordered a whisky, and then a bottle of wine he drank during the whole evening. I left him there, and I never replied to his messages afterwards.

A friend of mine says  you have to be self-destructive as well to stay in a relationship with someone like that. I don’t agree with him, because some women who are not self-destructive will jump into this relationship, as they want to save him.

My former coworker was married to one of them. He met her at a hospital, during a night where she was on duty while he came crashing because he had an accident, under the influence of alcohol and weed. While they were married, he seemed to behave nicely. His marriage changed him. That’s why he came to work in my newsroom.

May he rest in peace now.

 

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The guy you don’t want to date: 3) the passive-aggressive

The passive-aggressive guy can be recognized by his lack of honesty. He’s the one who will never tell you directly what he’s thinking about but will act with you very nicely, and even compliment you, while behind your back, he would say the exact opposite.

He’s also the one who can ignore you and be nice to other people simultaneously.

He’s the one who never do what you ask him to do. He can forget your birthday or to come to an important event for you.

He never takes the blame for himself.

In other words, he’s a two-faced person.

Usually, he will tell you bad things about the people he met. But when he meets them in a situation, he will act really polite and kind with them. People who lie have a tendency to have a high-pitched voice when they talk. It’s just a sign they are not feeling comfortable with you, but try to disguise their discomfort.

I know that because one of my ex’s used to have a high-pitched voice with the people he doesn’t like when we were in public. He would compliment them, even saying he was happy to see them. But his voice betrayed him all of the time.

So this should serve as an indication to know if he really likes you. If his voice tends to reach higher notes, even if he’s not yelling at you, this should be a sign he’s faking it.

But some passive-agressive men know how to lie. And they know how to control their voice.

Otherwise, there are signs they are not comfortable with you, like if he’s not able to stare at you for long enough, touches his face while speaking to you,…

But the best way to know if he’s loyal to you is to watch his action. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

He will drive you nuts if you stay too long with him.

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