broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The miracle of life

During one of our drunken nights with my friends, one of them announced she was pregnant. It was a shock to everyone, because she had been dating her man for only three months. “It was an accident” she told us. “But we decided to keep it. He didn’t run away when I came with the pregnacy test positive” she added.

Among the others, we had mixed feelings about this. We knew she didn’t take the pill for long, because she had been single for a long time. And she told us she wasn’t sure he was the one when they got together. One month after, she was still questioning us about him, because she wasn’t convinced about this. And then, came the pregnancy.

Luckily for her, her man stood by her side. We asked her if she was aware she was trapping him.  But she replied that she would have aborted if he was against all this. It was a mutual decision.

One of my male friends got trapped like this. He and his ex-girlfriend were separating, when she pulled out the baby thing. He was already involved in another relationship when this news broke out, and decided not to get back with his ex. He wanted her to abort. But she was against it. And carried her pregnacy until the end.

She hoped he would come back in her life. That’s what she told us. For now, he’s still angry at her for doing this behind his back. So, I don’t think he would ever come back in her life.

I wonder: why do we get pregnant?

For married and legitimate couples, it’s like an achievement. But for those who are not, what does it means?

J., 40, got pregnant because she knew she wanted to be a mother. The father of her child, well, didn’t have any importance. So she slept with random strangers until she reached her goal. She didn’t want to know who was the father. She didn’t want any help from him. She just wanted a baby.

For other women, maybe this has to do with competition. Yep. My friend got pregnant just one month after she learned her sister was pregnant too. And most of her friends around her were pregnant or had already one child. She was feeling a little bit out of the game, out of the group. I guess getting pregnant helped her filling that void.

In the case of my friend’s ex, I don’t know. We wonder how stupid she is to think she could keep him just by having his baby. Things don’t turn that way anymore. At least, in western civilizations.

Y., 41, got pregnant by her lover. Her married lover. She didn’t plan to do so. It was also an accident. But she wanted to keep it. And wanted her lover to take an active part in the education of her child. Much to the spite of his wife.

All our motivations remain mysterious, after all. That’s why it is called the miracle of life.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A good dad

I had once a long conversation with some of my friends about pregnancy. One of my friends just learned she got pregnant, but she has just begun her relationship with her man. And she wasn’t convinced at all she met the right guy. She told us he was far from the man she always dreamed of. But yet, when she got pregnant, instead of running away, her man just stood by her side, and promised her to do his best to raise the kid. We all told her to keep him. They are still together right now.  But one of my other friends felt a bit shocked by the news at the time, and told her how the hell she could get pregnant so quickly with a man she wasn’t in love with (my friend is a desperate romantic), and asked her what was she thinking. I  just tried to calm the conversation and explained that in my office, two of my fellow coworkers have children, but don’t live with the father. One of them got rid of the father because they kept on fighting on how to raise the child (among other things). There was a time in our newsroom when she always shouted while she was talking with him on the phone. And one day, she announced to us that she was leaving him, because she had enough. Since then, she got married, and got pregnant again. The other one has three children, all coming from different fathers, and lives with neither of them.

I don’t think there’s still a classical pattern to have a kid. Personally, I always thought that I would carry the child of the one I love, no matter if I’m married or not with him, and that I could tell to my kid when he/she will be older that he was the result of her/his mom’s greatest love. But I wouldn’t consider getting pregnant with a guy I feel nothing for. Some women do get pregnant with the man they love. Some don’t.

I met once a woman who told me she wanted to get pregnant, but didn’t care at all who will be the father. She went to a holiday resort where she picked three different guys, hoping she would get knock up, and she reached her goal. She’s now bringing  her child on her own. And she’s happy like that.  I also met a woman who told me she got pregnant with a man she didn’t think he would make a good father, and got rid of him one year after the kid was born. She met another man, who takes great care of her child, but she told me she doesn’t want to get pregnant with him. She feared she would destroy her happiness by giving him a child.

A child is a very important decision in our life. Yet, we don’t necessarily choose the best option to have a kid.

So, what is a good dad?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

A simple kind of life

One of my colleagues is having a difficult pregnancy at the moment. Her unborn child has one chance out of two to live, because his lungs haven’t properly developed. How sad. I just hope for her that everything will be OK. One of my friends is convinced those problems are linked with the fact we get pregnant later than our previous generation. If you ignore the example of Britney Spears’s sister who got knocked out at 16 or Lily Allen at 22, well, it’s true that women choose to have a baby at an older age. “I was hired in my office because a few female employees were out for their maternity holidays. They were all in the same range of age, from 33 to 38 year old” recalls T., 31.

When you ask people at what age did their parents have them, they would generally answer they were conceived by their parents at a much younger age than they are now. “My mom had me when she was 22. I had my first child at 32″K., 35, said. “My parents were 24 year old when I arrived in their life. I’m not ready yet to conceive my first child” M., 32, said.

Why do we get pregnant so late? Well, compared to our parents, we enter the professional life later because we follow longer study. Remember than before, women in university were a rare breed. It’s not the case anymore. Then, the evolution of the job market makes it difficult to foresee a stable life. With the multiplication of part time jobs, temporary jobs,… but also mergers of companies and the restructuring that follows, additioned to delocalization in cheap producing countries like China, the future has never seemed so gloomy for the young workers of today. We cannot hope to stay in the same company from the beginning to the end of our career like our parents did. And also, earnings can be really disappointing, as in Italy.

This financial instability makes it difficult for young people to think about raising a child (at least, for those who think). But it’s not the only factor.

We tend to marry (or not) at an older age too than our parents. Most of my friends who took the jump into marriage did that when they were 28 in average. Why? Simply because they needed a longer period to find the one. “My gyno told me that if I wanted to have a child, I would have to get myself into it as soon as I can. But for that, I have to find my prince charming first, and he hasn’t come yet” R., 32, said. Some women don’t wait to find their prince charming to conceive a child, though. Either they turn to IVF, either they choose to pick a man to get pregnant, like the character played by Juliane Moore in the Big Lebowski. But they are an exceptions.

Then, there’s also the fact that we become mature later. “I didn’t see myself having a baby at 22 like my mom did. At that age, I just finished my studies, and I didn’t feel as an adult yet” K., 34, said. “Right now, I feel more like a teenager than a complete adult. I go out a lot, and I don’t want to slow things down for a child right now” B., 28, said.

Finally, the fight for equality between men and women has brought deep changes in the women’s life, and hindered their desire to have a child. Before, women used to be housewives and depended on their husband. Now, because we work, we’re independent and we decide when we want to have a child. And this decision doesn’t come quickly.

So, when do you think it’s too late to have a child? Personally, I think this example shouldn’t be followed.

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