life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Criticism

Criticism, or constant criticism, is one of the four horsemen of relationships, according to John Gottman, who spends decades to study relationships. If you criticise your significant other all of the time, there’s a good chance he/she would take his/her distance sooner or later with you.

But there’s a world between criticism. If you criticise your partner because you’re hurt by his/her behaviour, for example if he/she always talks about himself/herself, the best way to turn around this situation is to tell your partner how you feel. If your partner take notice and adapt his/her behaviour after that, you can tell he/she cares for you. But if he/she doesn’t do anything and continue to be selfish, it’s a sign he/she doesn’t take into account your feeling.

But if you criticise your partner on his/her weight, height, on the way he/she looks, it’s just demeaning for your partner. “Any criticism that has to do with body image is generally a touchy area,” says  April Masini, a relationship expert. “For instance, height, freckles, big breasts, small breasts, big rear end, small rear end, waist size, hair, nose, skin tone — these are all areas that people tend to concern themselves with about their own bodies, and they worry about how they may appear to others.”

One of my friends is dating a woman who criticises his body in front of other people whenever she’s drunk. My friend told me he feels very diminished and hurt by her behaviour. His partner never remembers the nights when she verbally attacks him. As a result, my friend is thinking about ending his relationship.

If you criticise your partner about his/her family, friends, career, education, there’s a good chance your partner will turn away from you at some point, because you create a toxic environment for your relationship.

People who criticise their significant other all of the time may have a low self esteem. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” says one of my friends. The world would be a better place if people behave like that.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The woman-child

Our society likes when we look youthful. But when you’re acting as a child, it’s not the case. This is especially the case if you want to be a leader.

Unfortunately, for women, it seems our society pushes us to be a woman-child, aka the woman who doesn’t say much or on the contrary, can’t help saying whatever crosses her mind, relies on men and other people, and takes no responsibility.

TV shows celebrate this kind of woman. Look at Girls, New Girl, Don’t Trust the B…  in Apartment 23, and even Rachel/ Phoebe in Friends,…

Is this because women wait longer to have children compared to our mothers? Because with motherhood, women lose their child-like attitude. At least, it’s the case for most of them. But I have several examples around me where the mother acts as if she was still a teenager, and is like a girlfriend to her daughter(s). It’s different when her kids are boys. Usually, she has to turn into a bossy person just to get authority on them. As a journalist I met recently told me: “I don’t like French women when they have three children. They get bossy”. 

Some women also choose not to have children at all. This trend is also on the rise, in every country, as people ponder about their future and get afraid of the world they would leave to their children. The more educated people, especially women, are, the more they chose not to have children.

But when you’re a woman-child, you face the risk of not being taken seriously. And attract the wrong kind of men.

I know about this, because this is my case. And it becomes a burden for me, as I’m often left aside when my boss  chooses someone to moderate or do a speech for my newspaper.  In general, I attract older men, much older than me, who act really bossy with me.

With time, I get really cautious when I get approached by men I don’t know. All of them fall into the same category: old, narcissistic, seducer, … And if I’m at a party or a cocktail, I try not to stay alone on my side because I know I will attract this kind of individuals. That’s why I carefully choose where I go, to be sure I know at least two or three people there.

And deep inside of me, I hope I won’t turn into the pathetic portrait of Charlize Theron in “Young adult”.

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broken heart, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Afraid to be yourself

Recently, I went to a seminar about self-improvement therapy, where our instructor asked us to sing along a piano. Our instructor asked us to raise our voice as the notes went higher and higher. I ended up screaming, searching for my inner energy.

At the beginning of the seminar, I noticed F., a woman, who is Turkish, who had tears in her eyes. When she started the exercise of singing along the piano, she couldn’t raise her voice. The instructor asked her if she had ever shouted at someone, and she replied negatively. So, our instructor asked us to sing with her, raising our voice as the noted reached higher and higher. F. followed us, until she stopped and started crying.

Our instructor asked her to stop the exercise. F. went back to her chair, next to me. I just told her she was great.

Our instructor told her she shouldn’t be afraid to be herself. She asked F. if she had been raised to not speak her mind out loud. F. simply nodded her head to agree with her. But she couldn’t reply. Our instructor asked if she heard what she said. F. took a while to reply, but she said it was painful. Our instructor added we have the right to be ourselves, and that only us decide how we will live our life.

Later, when I was talking to F. with another participant at the seminar, F. told me she broke off her engagement, with a guy her parents picked for her. We were talking about women who refuse to have kids, as A., the other participant, and I. don’t want kids. F. also said she didn’t want any child. She also told us she lived in Turkey until she was 12, and then came to our country. F.,who is a social worker, like A. BTW, has tried to be independent since she started working. But as A. said, Turkish women are under a lot of pressure to get married and have children, as their parents invite men at their house so their daughter choose among them.

As if you’re not a woman, if you don’t get married and have children” replied F.

There was a strong willingness in her voice when F. said all this. But when she had to sing, her fears paralyzed her.

To sing awakens our inner emotions, said A. When A. sang, our instructor noticed she went chaotic. A was surprised, as she said she was a very structured person  because of her education.  When I sang,  our instructor said I sounded like a child.  I don’t know what to think about that.

Another participant, N., also had some problems to reach higher notes. But N. told us afterward she was asking herself a lot of questions, as she was tired to be the HR of her company.

But it seems many of us are afraid to be ourselves. After all, the road to ourselves is the longest we’ll ever take.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Yielding to advances

One of my coworkers is a well-known womanizer. Yet, when you see him for the first time, it’s difficult to believe this. Because he’s old, bald, frail, not really well-groomed. He reminds me of Gollum in the Lord of the Rings.

Personally, if a man like that was trying to seduce me, I would just run away. I’m not a shallow person, but I’m not attracted to men who don’t give a s… about hygiene. This is a big turn off for me.

Yet, my coworker has it ways with women. Another coworker of mine told me he scores big time with women in clubs. Usually, he’s drunk, and maneuvers his seduction like that. Alcohol gives him the courage to approach women. And like my other coworker says, “those who don’t respect themselves yield easily to his advances“.

I may sound old-fashioned, but I would never accept this from a man. I would just fear he has a drinking problem (which is the case for my coworker). Plus, I just believe if you’re looking for a serious relationship, you should never yield like that to any man.

And I don’t believe clubs are the right place to find the right person. Several of my friends, who have been heavy party people, admit the same. “People are often drunk , drugged , or just not themselves in those situations” says one of my friends. “And besides, it’s dangerous to yield to strangers. You never know who you have in front of you” she added.

So, make your suitor wait 😉 Only fools rush in.

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blogging, celibacy, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

It’s the end of the year

Every year, I like to do this meme. But this time, with a tweak.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Going on holiday alone

2. Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I didn’t make any resolution last year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No

5. What countries did you visit?

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6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory?

March 20

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8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Getting recognized as an expert in my field.

9. What was your biggest failure?

A friendship lost.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A camera

12. Where did most of your money go?

Traveling

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to New York.

14. What song/album will always remind you of 2012?

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

1. Happier or sadder? Happier.
2. Thinner or fatter? The same.
3. Richer or poorer? Richer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Traveling, traveling, traveling.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Working.

18. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?

B. and my mom.

19. Did you fall in love in 2012?

See n°6.

20. What was your favourite TV programme?

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.

22. What was the best book(s) you read?

Dormir avec ceux qu’on aime – Gilles Leroy

23. What did you want and get?

An iPad. Twice.

24. What did you want and not get?

My own apartment.

25. What were your favourite films of this year?

If you could go back in time

 

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Going out with friends.

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A thing called love.

28. What kept you sane?
Friends and family.

29. What political issue stirred you the most?

The political fracture in my country.

30. Who did you miss?

B., my former editor, a friend of mine who moved abroad, all of the journalists I met in New York.

31. Who was the best new person you met?

D.

32. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

Never force people to love you.

33. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year?

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thoughts, women

Lessons from a tough journalism experience

Today, I saw on TV a special edition on poverty in my country. They showed working families who have a hard time finishing the month not in debt, poor old people who can’t afford to pay for medical aid, and they also interviewed a young woman who said she studied journalism, speak many languages and got the license to teach.

She was 29, and unemployed.

This is something I don’t understand.

Over the years, I’ve seen many many young students in my newsroom who were there for work experience. Some of them even got hired in my newsroom, despite the dire conditions in newspapers in my country (and elsewhere). But to be fair, not everyone was keen to work for my newsroom, as we’re a financial and economical newspaper. I’ve also seen young people making terrible mistakes and unable to pull an article together.

Yet, for those who were really motivated, it really paid off. Some accepted to work for 3 months in my newsroom with a low salary just to get experience. And it paid off. Even though only one of them was hired in my newsroom, the others did all find a place in another newsroom, but most of the time, it was abroad.

I had a difficult start too. When I finished my studies, there were no place available in the newsrooms. So I accepted to work for a bank, not knowing if I ever go back into the world of journalism. Then, two years later, one of my coworkers said they were looking for a financial journalist in my newspaper. I applied. And I realized there weren’t many candidates for that job.

I wasn’t prepared at all for the job I took. But I was willing to do my best, because I knew this was my chance. It wasn’t easy at all. But nothing is easy and that’s why we should fight.

It was my dream to become a journalism. I’m one now. But I would have never guessed I would be a financial journalist. To become who I am today, I accepted many sacrifices. And if I had the choice, I would have made those decisions again.

So, if you want to be a journalist, be prepared to suffer. It’s a tough job: you don’t get many rewards, there’s a lot of jealousy with other journalists, and the readers won’t forgive you if you don’t tell them the truth. Plus, you can be regularly threatened by the companies you cover for your newspaper.

But it’s a job who gives you an extraordinary chance to change the world, by putting your finger on something that’s wrong, as would say Hubert Beuve-Mery.

Last year, I wrote a piece that made me win an award. And our government has decided to make a hearing on this topic, because of my article.

My experience in the banking sector taught me that every job is difficult now. That’s why it’s important to find a job where you will fight with all your soul.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Broken and lonesome

One of my coworkers,  despite being friendly and nice to everyone, reflects a sad image. Every time I speak to him, I can feel he’s unhappy.

It’s been two years now he’s battling with his ex-wife. They were separated in 2010 and got divorced last year. They have fought on everything, including their children. He has remained in contact with the two oldest of his kids. But his young daughter refused to talk to him. She’s backing her mom. It’s been  two years now he hasn’t spoke to her. Before, he used to speak a lot about her. She was his little treasure.

He didn’t need to tell me about this. I learned about this through one of his closest friends in my newsroom, when I told him his friend looks very depressed.

Unfortunately, when we’re unhappy, we reflect it a lot to the other people, even if we try hard not to show our unhappiness. My coworker is really nice with everyone. Yet, I can feel there’s something wrong. And as a result, I’m avoiding him when it’s possible. I’m not mean, but I feel a little bit sad when I’m near him. And this is something  I don’t want to feel right now in my life.

This is why, when we try to seduce someone, this feeling is to be avoided at any cost. We don’t seduce  with pity and empathy for our problems. We will only attract people who will use us by doing so. Cults, crooks, abusive personalities typically target this kind of prey.

Begging the one you love to take you back will repel him/her unfortunately. This is the wrong strategy.

That’s why it’s important to feel happy. And to find your own happiness. This journey can be long. But it’s worth will.

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