celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The right stages of a relationship

caspar_david_friedrich_-_wanderer_above_the_sea_of_fog

Is there a right order in relationships? I’m not so sure. Several of my friends had their children before getting married to their significant other. Some are even not married. “Traditional” couples still get married first and have children after.

But this is an evolution of relationships because it has to start from scratch. Every relationship begins with an encounter. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn,… favour those encounters. Our professional and private circles can also help to meet someone. There are many ways to find a new relationship. To be fair, my last relationships all started with Tinder.

After the first contact, there is the first date. If you are careful, the first exchanges you made with your date help you to sort those who would make a disastrous first date. The men I met through Tinder exchanged several messages with me before our first date, and I was relieved by what they wrote. I didn’t have much surprises when I met them.

After that, some people decide to lead a particular relationship. An acquaintance started to be sex friends with the man she met thanks to Tinder. Another one started to casual date a man she met through some common friends. Generally, people take their time to evaluate their date. Especially when they have experienced several relationships.  But it can happen that some people want to start right away a long term relationship. Even if only the long run can tell if the relationship is sustainable or not.

With age, people also take their time before having sex with their date. Even with the people who meet through Tinder, which is famous to be a hookup site. This may be true for the young people between 18-24, but above that age, it’s not necessarily the case. Some people wait until they are certain there are feelings involved before having sex. It can take weeks or even months. The key is to take time to know our date. It’s not that simple. But if our date don’t want to spend time with us, that’s a sign he/she doesn’t want to have a relationship.

Some people wait until they meet their date’s friends and family, which is a sign the relationship is going strong. After all, if you don’t pass that step, it’s not a good sign. Our friends and family can also help us to tell if our date is right for us. Usually, our friends and family see when there’s a problem while we’re too blind with love. This step isn’t a problem if you date someone from your private circle, who was introduced to you by common friends. The blessing is already there.

Recently, one of my coworkers told me he’s divorcing. He met his wife at our office five years ago, and people were really surprised how fast their relationship evolved. She got pregnant only four months after they started dating, and got married in a hurry. Had they have waited, he may have known she was a bad influence to him. His career stalled after they started dating. She was really jealous and made him a scene every time he talked to female coworkers.

Yes, we all know some exceptions to this. Two of my friends got pregnant really quickly after they met their significant other. So far, they are still in their relationship. But they met their significant other through common friends.

Only fools rush in, isn’t it?

Advertisements
Standard
broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, thoughts, women

Ask for answers…

… There are no second chances

When we fall in love, whether we’re conscious of it or not, we put our lover/ object of affection to the test. This is important for the fate of the relationship. If our lover failed these tests, we might take the conclusion that he/she’s not good for us and call it quits. But with our emotional past, we tend to be more cautious when we fall in love, and we multiply the tests for our lover. One of the most common ones is our expectations about how he/she will react. One of my friends told me she wished her ex was more kind with her, and that he never acted with her the way she expected. This represented for her a source of fights, and lead her to a break up.

Of course, choosing a partner who has many common points with us can ease our task. But if he/she doesn’t reciprocate our love, this is just useless. Some people might also fail the tests, yet, for a reason, we hang on this relationship, a one-sided relationship.  

The tests can be really hard to succeed, if it brings to a dilemma. For example, if we fall in love with someone who lives abroad, we will ask her/ him to make a move near us. She/he can also ask us to move to her/his country. This is a big sacrifice. We might also ask our lover to leave his/her partner if he/she’s already involved in a relationship or married.

A really obvious test is fidelity. When we fall in love, we expect our partner to be faithful. If  he/she can’t be faithful, most of us will see in this the point of no return in a relationship.

Then, there are the more subtle tests. And here, it really depends on our personal values. For some people, the family gauntlet is one experience to pass, otherwise, it will never do. But for some other, especially if you don’ t talk to your family anymore, this detail isn’t so important. Likewise, we would expect our lover to pass the ‘friends” test. But if we don’t have any friend, this isn’t important.  We would also test our lover to see if he/she shares the same values than us. But here, it depends on our tolerance. For instance, if you’re vegetarian, you can ask your partner to be vegetarian, but yet, some veggies don’t care dating a meat eater.

But testing your lover is important. This is how you can avoid getting really hurt in a relationship, even if love hurts, when you’re really in love.

So, do you test your partner?

 

Standard