celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Future sex

In her book “Future Sex“, the journalist Emily Witt explores the limit of what we would call free love. She writes about her experience with online dating, porn, polyamory, internet babes and the childless option. If I do follow her conclusions, this list may predict the future of relationship, where internet have a strong place, except for polyamory (although I have met on dating app some men who were into this type of open relationship).

 The journalist wrote she had a problem feeling attracted by the men she met online. I do understand her, because I’m  bit lost on dating app like Tinder. I don’t really feel attracted right away by a man just by looking at his picture. Emily Witt said she wasn’t  into her online date when she met them face to face. Maybe it’s because women don’t have a smell cue when they meet someone online. That smell cue can be useful when you meet someone face to face in a bar or a cafe or a concert,… The journalist compared the attraction she had for men she met in parties, bars, … and men she met online.

Emily Witt also wrote about a couple working for Google who are into polyamory. It’s not a surprise, since in the Silicon Valley, there is a new sexual revolution where love takes the form of many lovers at the same time. Elsewhere, it’s just infidelity or open relationships, which are not so sustainable on the long run , because we are jealous by nature.

This book rises a question: can we be ourselves if we multiply lovers, and if we allow the distance internet creates between people? The future looks bleak then.

On the other hand, internet remains a mean to meet people. But it’s just a way. Internet remains useless when it comes to create a bond with someone.  And it’s easy to think, thanks to dating apps, online dating,… we can always find someone better. It’s the best way to end up alone.

Yet, we can’t force people to stay into our life.

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Are women disadvantaged with online dating?

Scott Solomon, a biologist at Rice University, explains women don’t benefit very well from online dating and dating apps. Because women rely on various criteria to choose their partner , while men rely on their sole vision to find a woman attractive. Solomon adds women use smell to evaluate a potential partner. The smell cues are not available online. So to be sure, we had to accept a date to know right away if the guy is worthy or not. And yes, if I can’t stand the smell of the man in front of me, I will rule him out immediately.

It’s true I look for common points, pictures, lines, … on Tinder before I swipe right or left a guy. A man I would find attractive only by his looks will turn me down. When I see a very handsome man on Tinder, I just feel not very pretty enough for him. So I swipe him left.

There are also another problem with dating app like Tinder. Many men use that dating app for “confidence-boosting procrastination”. It’s the case for millennials. But older men do that too. That’s why even if you swipe right many men and they swipe you right too, you don’t engage in much conversation with them. Out of ten men I had a match with, only one started a conversation with me. Out of the 53 matches I got so far on Tinder, I’ve only started the conversation with ten of them. Most of the time, I was the one who made the first move. At that rhythm, I would be better off with Bumble (the dating app where women make the first move).

But there’s also an other explanation. Two of my dates I met on Tinder told me they swiped right almost every woman they saw on Tinder. They added once they got their match, they select the women they will start the conversation with. One of them told me he used another app to see who like him on Tinder, and then he selects the ones who really interest him.

There’s a deep feeling there are a lot of oysters on dating app, but no pearl. Yet, some people do find each other with Tinder, Bumble, or with online dating. Some people find their match right away, with the beginner’s luck. Other take their time, and some are more comfortable with online dating sites like OkCupid where you have to fill a long multiple-choice survey questions in order to find someone compatible with you. Although there’s a limit with those dating sites too. There’s a story of a math genius named Chris McKinlay who hacked OkCupid to find true love. He used bots to collect the datas left by women on this dating site and to elaborate his optimal dating profile. Over three weeks, he  received 20,000 answers from women, which he narrowed to 88 dates. Only three lead to a second date. Only one lead to a third date. None of them resulted in a serious relationship. He eventually met his significant other thanks to OkCupid. But she was the one who found him, without hacking her profile.

One of my friends told me dating apps, online dating sites, … are just occasions to meet someone new. “After you meet, relationships begin or not” he said. “Yes, it’s superficial, but the dates you get with Tinder, … are not. People are much more complicated than their  online profile” he added. After the meeting, it’s up to us to create a bond, if we like the person who stands in front of us at the bar or the coffee shop,…

For women, those meetings are crucial, because it’s the only way for them to use their smell. But I’m not sure women don’t benefit that much with online dating than men.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Reunited by a dating app

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The Financial Times recently interviewed Whitney Wolfe, the founder of the dating app Bumble. That dating app forces women to make the first move.

I don’t use that dating app, because in my country, Tinder is way more popular. Perhaps because in my country, like in France, women don’t make the first move in general. Many of my female friends told me they didn’t make the first move with their significant other. One of them, who is still single, told me she would never make the first move.

But this interview is interested. The founder of Bumble said more than 5000 engagements and marriages were originated with the app.  She added most people used the app on Sunday nights and Monday.The app is the busiest during those periods of the week.

One of the couples who found themselves on Bumble used to know each other before. But they lost each other from sight. He used to have a crush on her when they were younger. By the power of an algorithm, they made a connection again. Without that algorithm, maybe they  wouldn’t have made that connection. Who knows? They could have bumped into each other in the street. But it would not make that connection so instantly.

Those who use the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble connect when they feel lonely. That’s why there’s a peak in connections on Sunday nights and Mondays. When you feel lonely, you are in generally in better conditions to look actively for someone and to jump on the first occasions. So, it might explain why these former crushes reunited.

I’ve never bumped into a former crush on Tinder. I don’t know what would be my reaction if it was the case. What would you do if you find a formal crush on a dating app?

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The right stages of a relationship

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Is there a right order in relationships? I’m not so sure. Several of my friends had their children before getting married to their significant other. Some are even not married. “Traditional” couples still get married first and have children after.

But this is an evolution of relationships because it has to start from scratch. Every relationship begins with an encounter. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn,… favour those encounters. Our professional and private circles can also help to meet someone. There are many ways to find a new relationship. To be fair, my last relationships all started with Tinder.

After the first contact, there is the first date. If you are careful, the first exchanges you made with your date help you to sort those who would make a disastrous first date. The men I met through Tinder exchanged several messages with me before our first date, and I was relieved by what they wrote. I didn’t have much surprises when I met them.

After that, some people decide to lead a particular relationship. An acquaintance started to be sex friends with the man she met thanks to Tinder. Another one started to casual date a man she met through some common friends. Generally, people take their time to evaluate their date. Especially when they have experienced several relationships.  But it can happen that some people want to start right away a long term relationship. Even if only the long run can tell if the relationship is sustainable or not.

With age, people also take their time before having sex with their date. Even with the people who meet through Tinder, which is famous to be a hookup site. This may be true for the young people between 18-24, but above that age, it’s not necessarily the case. Some people wait until they are certain there are feelings involved before having sex. It can take weeks or even months. The key is to take time to know our date. It’s not that simple. But if our date don’t want to spend time with us, that’s a sign he/she doesn’t want to have a relationship.

Some people wait until they meet their date’s friends and family, which is a sign the relationship is going strong. After all, if you don’t pass that step, it’s not a good sign. Our friends and family can also help us to tell if our date is right for us. Usually, our friends and family see when there’s a problem while we’re too blind with love. This step isn’t a problem if you date someone from your private circle, who was introduced to you by common friends. The blessing is already there.

Recently, one of my coworkers told me he’s divorcing. He met his wife at our office five years ago, and people were really surprised how fast their relationship evolved. She got pregnant only four months after they started dating, and got married in a hurry. Had they have waited, he may have known she was a bad influence to him. His career stalled after they started dating. She was really jealous and made him a scene every time he talked to female coworkers.

Yes, we all know some exceptions to this. Two of my friends got pregnant really quickly after they met their significant other. So far, they are still in their relationship. But they met their significant other through common friends.

Only fools rush in, isn’t it?

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Facebook as a dating site?

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The social media is currently working on a new button which will be available on our smartphone, called “discover people”. It will allow you to find new “friends” based on your common “likes” and interests, a bit like Tinder, the dating app. This new button is already available, but I don’t have access to it yet.

I don’t know if Facebook can be helpful for finding love. I read several stories on the New York Times in their section “wedding” where the spouses met thanks to Facebook, and the section “people you may know, because they were related in the past.

On Tinder, I haven’t found many men who share a lot of common “likes” and interests with me. I swiped right one man who had 15 common “likes” with me (and two common friends). But he never swiped me right. He was the man who had the more common “likes” with me. I’ve never encountered any other man like that ever since.

The only man who swiped me right with a lot of common “likes” (and two common friends) was disappointed when we started dating each other. We discovered many other common points when we were together, but it wasn’t enough. I found the guy on the defensive all of the time, and I felt weak and powerless because of that. One of my friends told me we have the same common point with defensiveness.

His pictures were very revealing about his behaviour, but I didn’t want to consider those. He had his arms closed on the two pictures he put on Tinder. It’s also the case for his Facebook profile picture.

It’s like there’s a catch when we search for a partner with common interests. On Tinder, what would you do if you found a man with many common “likes” with you, but has a profile picture where he’s close to another woman? (little advice for men who read this: never put a picture on Tinder where there’s another woman on it).

On Facebook, it can be even more difficult. It can be odd if a person you don’t know comes out of the blue and asks you to accompany him/her to an event you are both interested on Facebook.

Tinder works best with people aged from 18 to 24. Because at this age, they don’t care for their reputation. When we go older, it becomes more difficult. A friend of mine told me he would never used Tinder because people would recognise him easily.We are also more  defensive because of our past experiences.

I guess this new option on Facebook will also work best with young people.

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The sapiosexual

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A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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The shared values

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Last year, one of my failed relationships taught me an important thing about my personal values. Your personal values are key to find the right person for you. It is wise to use those as a guideline for your potential dates.

If you place money on top of your values, chances are you will look for a partner who cherish money too. Of course, if you’re very wealthy, you will be suspicious if your partner is after your money instead of pursuing his/her conquest of money.

If you’re into parties, networkings, in other words, a socialite, it’s best if you find another socialite like you.

If you’re into books, news, debates, …, it’s best if you find someone who likes to read books,…

 In the last case, congrats, you’re sapiosexual if you look for a smart partner.

Tinder can be useful to find your perfect match according to your values. Just look at the common interests you have with that person. Sometimes, there are no common likes. But if there is a description on the profile, it’s worth paying attention to those words. Questions are also helpful.

But Tinder has its limit. A real conversation face to face helps you to evaluate your potential partner. And then, there’s Facebook too. Scroll carefully his/her Facebook profile, it’s very useful.

My mistake was to ignore details on his wall on Facebook like a post about how to seduce women (with alcohol).  I also realized we didn’t have that much in common, despite five common interests on Tinder. He probably liked the same things than me a long time ago. But it’s not relevant anymore.

I also realized how important it is for me to know if my significant other has a passion for books like me. At my place, there are books everywhere. When he came here, he just mocked the books I was reading, among which there was “Economie du bien commun”.

So, yes, our values are important. And we should never trade them for love.

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