celibacy, dating site, life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Reunited by a dating app

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The Financial Times recently interviewed Whitney Wolfe, the founder of the dating app Bumble. That dating app forces women to make the first move.

I don’t use that dating app, because in my country, Tinder is way more popular. Perhaps because in my country, like in France, women don’t make the first move in general. Many of my female friends told me they didn’t make the first move with their significant other. One of them, who is still single, told me she would never make the first move.

But this interview is interested. The founder of Bumble said more than 5000 engagements and marriages were originated with the app.  She added most people used the app on Sunday nights and Monday.The app is the busiest during those periods of the week.

One of the couples who found themselves on Bumble used to know each other before. But they lost each other from sight. He used to have a crush on her when they were younger. By the power of an algorithm, they made a connection again. Without that algorithm, maybe they  wouldn’t have made that connection. Who knows? They could have bumped into each other in the street. But it would not make that connection so instantly.

Those who use the dating apps like Tinder and Bumble connect when they feel lonely. That’s why there’s a peak in connections on Sunday nights and Mondays. When you feel lonely, you are in generally in better conditions to look actively for someone and to jump on the first occasions. So, it might explain why these former crushes reunited.

I’ve never bumped into a former crush on Tinder. I don’t know what would be my reaction if it was the case. What would you do if you find a formal crush on a dating app?

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The right stages of a relationship

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Is there a right order in relationships? I’m not so sure. Several of my friends had their children before getting married to their significant other. Some are even not married. “Traditional” couples still get married first and have children after.

But this is an evolution of relationships because it has to start from scratch. Every relationship begins with an encounter. Dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Happn,… favour those encounters. Our professional and private circles can also help to meet someone. There are many ways to find a new relationship. To be fair, my last relationships all started with Tinder.

After the first contact, there is the first date. If you are careful, the first exchanges you made with your date help you to sort those who would make a disastrous first date. The men I met through Tinder exchanged several messages with me before our first date, and I was relieved by what they wrote. I didn’t have much surprises when I met them.

After that, some people decide to lead a particular relationship. An acquaintance started to be sex friends with the man she met thanks to Tinder. Another one started to casual date a man she met through some common friends. Generally, people take their time to evaluate their date. Especially when they have experienced several relationships.  But it can happen that some people want to start right away a long term relationship. Even if only the long run can tell if the relationship is sustainable or not.

With age, people also take their time before having sex with their date. Even with the people who meet through Tinder, which is famous to be a hookup site. This may be true for the young people between 18-24, but above that age, it’s not necessarily the case. Some people wait until they are certain there are feelings involved before having sex. It can take weeks or even months. The key is to take time to know our date. It’s not that simple. But if our date don’t want to spend time with us, that’s a sign he/she doesn’t want to have a relationship.

Some people wait until they meet their date’s friends and family, which is a sign the relationship is going strong. After all, if you don’t pass that step, it’s not a good sign. Our friends and family can also help us to tell if our date is right for us. Usually, our friends and family see when there’s a problem while we’re too blind with love. This step isn’t a problem if you date someone from your private circle, who was introduced to you by common friends. The blessing is already there.

Recently, one of my coworkers told me he’s divorcing. He met his wife at our office five years ago, and people were really surprised how fast their relationship evolved. She got pregnant only four months after they started dating, and got married in a hurry. Had they have waited, he may have known she was a bad influence to him. His career stalled after they started dating. She was really jealous and made him a scene every time he talked to female coworkers.

Yes, we all know some exceptions to this. Two of my friends got pregnant really quickly after they met their significant other. So far, they are still in their relationship. But they met their significant other through common friends.

Only fools rush in, isn’t it?

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Facebook as a dating site?

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The social media is currently working on a new button which will be available on our smartphone, called “discover people”. It will allow you to find new “friends” based on your common “likes” and interests, a bit like Tinder, the dating app. This new button is already available, but I don’t have access to it yet.

I don’t know if Facebook can be helpful for finding love. I read several stories on the New York Times in their section “wedding” where the spouses met thanks to Facebook, and the section “people you may know, because they were related in the past.

On Tinder, I haven’t found many men who share a lot of common “likes” and interests with me. I swiped right one man who had 15 common “likes” with me (and two common friends). But he never swiped me right. He was the man who had the more common “likes” with me. I’ve never encountered any other man like that ever since.

The only man who swiped me right with a lot of common “likes” (and two common friends) was disappointed when we started dating each other. We discovered many other common points when we were together, but it wasn’t enough. I found the guy on the defensive all of the time, and I felt weak and powerless because of that. One of my friends told me we have the same common point with defensiveness.

His pictures were very revealing about his behaviour, but I didn’t want to consider those. He had his arms closed on the two pictures he put on Tinder. It’s also the case for his Facebook profile picture.

It’s like there’s a catch when we search for a partner with common interests. On Tinder, what would you do if you found a man with many common “likes” with you, but has a profile picture where he’s close to another woman? (little advice for men who read this: never put a picture on Tinder where there’s another woman on it).

On Facebook, it can be even more difficult. It can be odd if a person you don’t know comes out of the blue and asks you to accompany him/her to an event you are both interested on Facebook.

Tinder works best with people aged from 18 to 24. Because at this age, they don’t care for their reputation. When we go older, it becomes more difficult. A friend of mine told me he would never used Tinder because people would recognise him easily.We are also more  defensive because of our past experiences.

I guess this new option on Facebook will also work best with young people.

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The sapiosexual

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A sapiosexual is someone who is only attracted to intelligent people. This definition is very large. I fall into this category since all my ex’s have that common point. But recently, I experienced a strange conversation on Tinder with a guy I matched who told me he was a sapiosexual. He said that after I told him about the books I’m currently reading. I’m a strange reader, because I read several books at the same time. He said I was turning him on with that detail. But then, he asked me to tell him about physics and some obscure concepts. “Seduce me”, he added. I didn’t reply. To be fair, I don’t know anything about physics. I don’t have that scientific sensibility.

The guy has pretty high standards for his potential significant other (or maybe just a hookup, it’s Tinder after all…).

I don’t ask on Tinder to my matchs if they can quote a poem from Baudelaire, some lines from”Economie du bien commun”, a theorem from Mandelbrot,…. Even if the guy can quote any of these, I’m not sure it will turn me on anyway.

I’m not sure any of my ex’s would be able to do so too.

When one of them mocked me because he found “Economie du bien commun” on my coffee table, I didn’t dismiss him because of his ignorance. In fact, I was hurt by his behavior, because he mocked the intellectual who read this book,  he mocked who I am. This is a big deal breaker for me.

If he had asked just why I was reading that book, or asked questions about this book, or even ignored it, I wouldn’t have called it quits with him.

There is more than the intellect, there is emotional intelligence.

What’s the point of dating someone who can discuss with you for hours about literature, but treats you with no respect?

Some years ago, I had a date like that. I met the guy at a conference. He invited me to have a drink with him. We spent the evening discussing about Celine. But when the bill arrived at our table, he asked me if we could go dutch. And he mocked me because I had difficulty to open the door when we went out of the restaurant. He could have helped me gently to open the door.

So, sapiosexuality maybe a horrible dating trend.

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The shared values

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Last year, one of my failed relationships taught me an important thing about my personal values. Your personal values are key to find the right person for you. It is wise to use those as a guideline for your potential dates.

If you place money on top of your values, chances are you will look for a partner who cherish money too. Of course, if you’re very wealthy, you will be suspicious if your partner is after your money instead of pursuing his/her conquest of money.

If you’re into parties, networkings, in other words, a socialite, it’s best if you find another socialite like you.

If you’re into books, news, debates, …, it’s best if you find someone who likes to read books,…

 In the last case, congrats, you’re sapiosexual if you look for a smart partner.

Tinder can be useful to find your perfect match according to your values. Just look at the common interests you have with that person. Sometimes, there are no common likes. But if there is a description on the profile, it’s worth paying attention to those words. Questions are also helpful.

But Tinder has its limit. A real conversation face to face helps you to evaluate your potential partner. And then, there’s Facebook too. Scroll carefully his/her Facebook profile, it’s very useful.

My mistake was to ignore details on his wall on Facebook like a post about how to seduce women (with alcohol).  I also realized we didn’t have that much in common, despite five common interests on Tinder. He probably liked the same things than me a long time ago. But it’s not relevant anymore.

I also realized how important it is for me to know if my significant other has a passion for books like me. At my place, there are books everywhere. When he came here, he just mocked the books I was reading, among which there was “Economie du bien commun”.

So, yes, our values are important. And we should never trade them for love.

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Waiting for something more on Tinder

Recently, I bumped into my former chief on Tinder. I didn’t believe it was him when I saw his picture, but then, I realized it was him.

It’s not the first time I’ve bumped into someone I know from my professional circle. But my former chief is married and has two children. When I told this to one of my coworkers who knows him personally, she was shocked to hear this. But she admitted she  has  already heard rumors about him some weeks ago. “Promise me if you see my husband on Tinder to tell me about it” she added. “If I bust him on Tinder, he can pack his bags. I will leave him immediately” she said.

Unfortunately, it’s not the first time I’ve seen some of my acquaintances’ husband on Tinder. I bumped into one of my classmates’ husband some weeks ago. I don’t have regular contact with her anymore, so I didn’t warn her. But it’s very disappointing to see her husband and her are constantly writing messages on each other’s wall on Facebook, saying how they love each other. It may signal they are not very happy with each other, at least if we believe this study .

One of my friends also asked me to tell her everything if I see her significant other on Tinder. So far, it hasn’t been the case. Thankfully for her.

I don’t understand why F. is on Tinder” said my coworker. “I don’t believe it’s for pure curiosity. What happens if he matches with another woman?” she added. He may have swiped right all women on Tinder, as men as way less picky than women on Tinder.

The married men I met on Tinder told me they were looking for a sex friend or a mistress. Unfortunately, very few men are honest and indicate their marital status in their Tinder profile. But most of the married men I swiped right immediately told me they were married. One was lying, but he added in his profile links to a youtube list where there was a video of him dancing with his wife, and saying how wonderful she was. The video was very recent.

Some women are ok with that. It’s not my case.

People can lie on internet (and on Tinder). But when you meet people in real life, it’s easy to spot the liar. If he’s married,  there are chances he won’t be very available for a date, and find a time when it’s easier for him to hide from his wife without alarming her. If he doesn’t invite you at his place, it’s also a sign he’s not very available. If he invites you to places he’s sure he won’t meet some of his friends or his wife’s friends, it’s also a big warning sign. Unless you find a pathologic liar, master in his art of lying, there will always be some hints he’s not really honest with you.

Besides, if deep inside of you, your guts tell you there’s something wrong, listen to your inner feeling. When you meet someone who is right for you, you won’t feel those negative feelings.

Of course, if you’re just looking for a hookup, a sex friend, or someone who’s not really available, don’t follow this advice.

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celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The disaster of first dates

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The Washington Post wrote an article about how restaurants and bars hate your first Tinder dates. One of the reasons behind this is the loss of revenues  from your date over groups who really want to have a dinner and a good time. Because you can nurture just a glass for one hour and decide not to order another one. First dates come cheap. People don’t want to invest a lot because they don’t know in advance their first date.

I’ve seen a lot of advices saying after two back and forth on Tinder, you should schedule a date. Two back and forth are not enough to know your Tinder date. So if you accept to go to this date, it’s a blind date.

One of my friends told me he exchanged a lot of messages with his Tinder date before meeting her for the first time. So they were very happy to meet each other for real after weeks of conversations online. They met in a bar she chose. And ordered a lot of drinks.

It’s also my case. My Tinder date and I spent weeks exchanging messages before agreeing to see each other. He let me choose the bar. I picked the one where they make good mojitos. We drank three drinks before deciding to go to a restaurant, and came back after our restaurant to the same bar where we drank another two glasses. I didn’t expect to spend so much time with him. I was even sad to go home but he asked me if we could see each other again very soon. I accepted right away.

Here in my country, people who want to meet their online dates choose a bar for their first meeting. There are plenty of bars in my town where you can just order a drink. Some bars are specialized in this. You can see this because there are couples who stop talking to each other just after 30 minutes spent together, and start to look around them. Not the sign of a date which is going well. I’ve been to those. All I know is I wanted to leave the conversation and the guy as soon as possible. Maybe because I didn’t know what  I was looking for.

So, yes, there are good or bad surprises with blind dates. But if you just exchanged some words with your Tinder date (or Happn/Bumble/Match.com,…) before agreeing to meet in real life, you don’t know if your date will turn right or not. At least if you spend some time to learn about your online crush before meeting him, you will know if he/she’s worth to meet in real life.

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