celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Bad encounter

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He’s on  Tinder, with a sole picture of his face, taken in chiaroscuro. Some female magazines warn you not to swipe right those kind of pictures. Those who use this art technique for their profile picture don’t want to be recognised on Tinder, either because they are famous (TV presenters, comedians, …) or because they don’t want their female acquaintances to recognise them. If you swipe right him by accident, and don’t engage the conversation, he will try to connect with you. He will ask for a date right away, without asking you any questions. If you don’t answer his invitation, he will keep on sending you an invitation to a date, until you say yes. You tell yourself why not after all. It’s just a drink. It won’t lead you anywhere. You’ve been there many times, to those dates where after just 30 minutes, your friends send you a message so you have an excuse to run away from your bad date.

He’s late on your first date. You tell yourself you’re weak to wait for him. You don’t know yet he’s not worth your time. He has apologised for his tardiness, saying he’s never late, usually. You don’t believe him. He tells you to order a drink and wait for him. You look around you, and see a group of three men next to your table. You should have started the conversation with them, but you’re too shy to interrupt their conversation. And they don’t look at you. Only the waitress notices there’s something wrong, and tells you you can’t stay here for long, because the place is booked for a birthday party. She tells you that with a big smile and wink at you. She’s seen many bad dates where the guy or the woman was a no show at all.

It’s raining outside. The sky has cracked several times. You manage to reach the bar where your date is set between two thunders and heavy rain. But he doesn’t. When he arrives at the bar, he’s soaking wet. You feel sorry for him. Even though you shouldn’t. You look  at him, and you feel a bit disappointed because he’s not that handsome. But you tell yourself you’re not shallow, and he’s not that unattractive, even if his clothes are wet and stick to his body. He’s  not athletic, so the view is not exciting. You think the guys you see at your gym would all look hot in that situation. He’s not. But he starts the conversation, and try to make you at ease. He’s nice with you, listens to what you say and asks you questions again, without interrupting you when you talk. You think the evening is lovely with him, but when he asks you to go somewhere for a last drink, you just tells him you have to leave because you have something to do early tomorrow. He seems disappointed but asks you when you want to see him again. So you set another date with him, a week later, because you want to analyse the date. You’ve been so burned before by players of all kinds. You are on the defensiveness.

Two days later, he sends you a message, asking you if you’re available for a lunch one of these days, despite the date you set. You accept, because he proposed to come near your office so you don’t waste your time in public transport. You find it a bit weird to have lunch with him. Your previous dates all happened at night. None of the guys you dated before asked you to have lunch with him. And you find him a bit impatient. He doesn’t want to respect the pace you set.

He’s on time, this time. When you see him on the street, you tell yourself again, you don’t find him very attractive. He tells you he has a call on 2pm so you don’t have much time to  talk to him. During the conversation, he compliments you on the way you look. You thank him. And blush. Because he looks at you in a way it makes you a bit uncomfortable. He doesn’t try to touch you. The other guys you dated did show you they were attracted to you by touching your forearm, mirroring your behaviour or even holding your hand. He offers you to walk back with you to your office. He doesn’t try to hold your hand, or to kiss you.

The D Date for your date, he invites you at his place, because he lives near the center of the town. He says you could walk easily to the restaurant from his place. He doesn’t lie. You think he will make his advance because it’s his place. But when you arrive at his apartment, he just welcomes you like he would welcome a friend. He asks you if you want to have a drink before going to the restaurant. Instead of one glass, he drinks three. You see he’s nervous.When you arrive at the restaurant, the place is already full. But he talks to the manager, who promises him a table in ten minutes. The manager offers us a drink outside as a compensation for the waiting period. And there, out of nowhere, he tells you you’re beautiful, and that he wants to kiss you. He adds he had to drink to have the courage to say this, because he thought you would reject him. You feel smitten. During the dinner, he bends several times to kiss you. He holds your hand and doesn’t want to leave it even when you eat. You tell to yourself you’re going to sleep with him tonight. Because you feel chill in your body every time he touches  you.

You think about Stormi Daniels, the porn star who used to be Donald Trump’s mistress. She said we all sleep with people we will regret. You tell yourself you will regret to sleep with him when you arrive at his apartment. And when he undresses you, you think if he doesn’t call you tomorrow, he’s just an asshole. Then, out of nowhere, his hand hits your ass. Not once. During the night, he hits it several times. It doesn’t hurt, but none of your previous lovers did this. You had some who pinched yours gently, and it stopped there. He tells you how beautiful you are, and how he’s excited. He talks a lot during sex. You would like him to shut up. It’s very late at night, and he offers you to stay at his place. But you tell to yourself you can’t wake up and leave him sleeping. His grip makes you understand you need to stay.

The morning after, when the morning hunts you down, you just drink your coffee while he returns to his bed. He makes the effort to wake up and accompany you to the front door of his building. He doesn’t say anything except goodbye. You don’t expect him to call you.

A day later, he leaves you a message, asking you how you are. He asks you for another date with him, but only during the week. It’s saturday, but he has other plans.  You agree to see him the next Wednesday and he agrees. He doesn’t text you during that break.

That day, he welcomes you by undressing you, and spanks you. After sex, he asks you if you want to go out, or stay at his place. It’s raining outside, and the thunder strikes again. You don’t feel to go out. So he offers you to cook for you. And tells you to talk to him. But you don’t know what to say. So you ask him questions. And you let him do the talk. He doesn’t ask you questions anymore. Instead, everytime you tell him something, he critizes it. He also guns down every topic you bring in the conversation, and tries to prove you wrong. You don’t find him so charming at all at that moment.  You think the veil has come down. This time, he’s not as passionated  when you have sex. After letting you come on him, he throws away the condom, but you know he hasn’t come.  He asks you to do a hand job. And when he’s about to come, he tells you he wants to ejaculate on your face. You accept. You feel his sperm running down your face, and crashing into your hair. The bad news is you will have to sleep like that, with his sperm on your hair. You don’t sleep well. Also because his phone rings during the night, several times.

The next morning, you feel a bit disoriented. You leave him. But you just want to have a shower and stay in bed. A friend of yours asks you to come at her place, but you refuse. You feel a bit disgusting.

This time, he leaves you no message. Days go by, until you decide to call him and ask him to see each other. He accepts, but again, only during the week. You feel a bit hesitant to go to his place again. Because you don’t know how he will react.  He doesn’t make you at ease. This time, he doesn’t touch you. He just asks you to have a drink with him. And then, he tells you he bought a Da Vinci IQ, a vaporizer for weed. He’s been smoking that non stop for the past five days. He offers you to share a puff with him. You accept. At least, when he’s high, he’s not mean with you. But he doesn’t touch you. He lets you sleep with him. And again, his phone rings several times during the night.

The next morning, he makes you hurry up because he has to be at the opposite of the town in an hour. He’s cold and distant. He just kisses you when you leave his apartment.

Again, he leaves you no message. But this time, you don’t contact him. Days go by, and you don’t get any news from him. You feel he’s trying to ghost you. You’re worried about that. So you break your rule and asks him why he’s not contacting you. And then he tells you he met somebody else, and that he should have told you earlier. You drop your phone, and feel your hand shaking. You don’t reply to him.

Since then, he has vanished.  You just make sure he will never come back into your life. Never.

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broken heart, celibacy, dating site, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Why doesn’t he contact you?

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The most obvious answer to this question is because he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And he’s too coward to tell you that face to face, or even send you a text.

It’s a horrible situation for the receiver of this. Because at first, you tell yourself he will probably call you or text you sooner or later. But days go by, and you don’t have any news from him. No invitation to see each other. Nothing. You didn’t see it coming when you were together. He used to call you to set dates, to invite you to his place or to the restaurant. You wonder if you have missed some signs. But it’s not easy to tell you will end up getting no news from him. Yet, the feeling won’t let you sleep.

Sometimes, after weeks, or months, you will get some news from the vanisher. He’s probably bored, or just got out of a relationship, and thinks about you at that moment. It means nothing for him. And yes, you’re a fool if you reply to his message (unless you tell him to go fuck himself). The silent treatment also tells him to go fuck himself.

Some of my ex’s were vanisher like that. But the funny part of this story is that I still see two of them from time to time, just to catch up. We don’t see each other very much. I only see one of them twice a year. We just chat, and laugh, like old friends. He never contacts me. From the first time we met, I was always the one who initiated the contact. But he always replied. It’s just that he doesn’t contact me. It drove me mad, and after two weeks of no contact from him, I sent him a text saying we were over. He got mad when he received this, and told me if I wanted to break up with him, I had to tell him face to face. So we met a cafe near my place, when I told him it was over. And I didn’t hear from him, until the day of my birthday, when he sent me a message to wish me a happy birthday. He wished me a happy new year. I ended up going with him to a restaurant, and we had a long chat. That night, I understood I couldn’t expect anything from him. It was easy because time eased the pain, and I dated other men after him. He also dated other women. We’re just happy to see each other, as friends.

When someone doesn’t bother to call you anymore, don’t insist. Yes, that person doesn’t want to see you anymore, otherwise he would have called you. Don’t call him, don’t go to his place. Spend time with your friends, your family, do the things you love, and date other people. You might find someone who really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

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He’s not handsome but he’s a catch

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Recently, I met a man I don’t find very attractive. But he’s really nice with me. My friends told me to give him a chance, because the most important thing in a relationship is the way your partner treat you. “If he’s nice with you and if you spend great moments with him, don’t turn away” says my friend.

One of my friends always says handsome men are big trouble. “The non handsome men can look at you as if you are the most beautiful woman in the world and will consider they’re lucky to have you in their life“, she says. A handsome man can have a cold and painful beauty, and prefer to masturbate on pictures of women with big boobs instead of touching you. Or he can date other women while in a relationship with you.

Some men you find unattractive can  be horrible to you as well. It’s not because he’s unattractive that he will be nice to you and happy to be with you. But beauty doesn’t mean someone will treat you better anyway.

My friends always say a man should feel lucky to be with me. One of my friends always repeats this when I told him about my failed relationships.

Some people will bet on their beauty to find a relationship. These people are shallow and boring and should only match with people just like them. Beauty fades. A great personality will pass the test of time.

In “Sex and the city”, Charlotte falls in love with her divorce lawyer even if she doesn’t find him attractive. He just wins her heart by feeling lucky to be with her.

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Can we be friend with our ex?

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Recently, I met someone who told me he was friends with two women he dated thanks to Tinder. One of them is currently in a relationship with another man. But she still calls him and invites him for a drink to catch up. The other one invites him for her parties, and he reciprocates.

But is this friendship genuine? A true friendship between people involves contacts, presence, and moral (sometimes material) support. Friends are there in difficult times as well as in good times.

Some people keep their ex as ” friend” just in case to have an option when they are single. When they are in a relationship, they forget about their friend. This friendship is shallow and not sustainable in the long term.

It’s also cruel to ask your ex to be friends when you just break up the relationship. Friendship is difficult if you still resent the end of your relationship and want to scratch the face of the one who just broke your heart.

It’s also difficult to remain in a platonic friendship with someone you were attracted to and who saw you naked several times.

Many of my genuine friends told me it’s never a good idea to remain friend with an ex. Most of my friends are not friend with their ex. One of them tried to remain friend with her ex, but her ex has disappeared from the picture when she got married.

My true friendship with my male friends has developed over time, and none of them are my ex. We don’t share a sentimental past. These guys crossed my path in difficult times and we are there for each other.

Time tears apart the shallow friendships.

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The Tinder ghosts

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Some men are on Tinder just for the thrill of like, as if they search an instant gratification like they would do on Facebook or Instagram when they post a picture, a Selfie or a link to an article. These men don’t necessarily look for a meeting or any kind of relationships. Sometimes, they are already in the comfort of a relationship or are married. They are not unfaithful. They just need that instant gratification.

If you match with these ghosts, they won’t start the conversation. Some will try to have a conversation and even schedule an appointment with you, usually in the middle of the week, and never on the weekend as they have a family and activities planned. If you say yes, they disappear immediately. And if you ask when do you meet, they will find a lame excuse.

I had a match like that, who only asked me for a date without asking me personal questions. He was determined as he sent me several messages during three weeks. I didn’t reply, until he started to ask personal questions. And I agreed to meet him for a drink. But then, he stopped to send me messages. And he gave me a lame excuse for not coming to our date. He told me he had to travel for his work and didn’t remind about that before. But he didn’t reschedule a date with me.

Usually, you can spot them and know if they just look for instant gratification when they go M.I.A. after they set a date with you. A men who is genuinely interested in meeting with you would still keep a conversation with you after the agreement of date.

These men want to know they have their options open.

But it can be hurtful if you find your man on Tinder while you’re are in a relationship. One of my friends told me a single friend of her noticed her partner on Tinder. When she confronted her man, he told him he had never met any of his matches. But my friend told me it’s hurtful for her because she doesn’t have any trust for her partner after that. “He lied to me because he didn’t told me he was still on Tinder, so why would he tell me the truth about his matches?” she said.

It’s difficult in this case to trust your significant other.

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Changes (the first move)

Now that the #metoo movement has gained traction, some people fear the relationship between men and women will never be the same. The line is however very clear between flirting and harassment/ sexual molestation. There is no problem when someone tell you how beautiful you are. It becomes a problem if that person asks you for a sexual favor or a kiss just after these words. But if it’s just an introduction for a casual conversation, it’s not a problem. Unfortunately, the person who tells you this may  not be very handsome. But if you don’t feel at ease with that, it’s always ok to be honest, or to shy away.

Men don’t deal very well with rejection. But it’s difficult for women as well. When I was younger, I had a crush on a guy who was my classmate. I dared to ask him to have a drink with me once, but he turned me down. I didn’t attempt to ask him again for a drink. Last year, he found me on Facebook, and asked me if it was possible to have  a drink with him. But I turned him down. As an answer, he unfriended me on Facebook. He could have been insulting with me, but he didn’t.

Some men, faced by rejection, insult the woman who turned down them. At my fitness club, two women recently discussed how insulting the men are because they don’t answer their questions while they are training. A woman who says no is not a slut.

Some say after the #metoo movement, women will make the first move more often, while men will avoid to say anything. With dating app like Bumble, and even Tinder, women can make the first move. Some men don’t mind.

The key, I guess, is to feel at ease. Nothing can be good if you feel on the defensive all of the time. But always listen to your feelings.

 

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Those who don’t use Tinder &cie

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Not every single person is on Tinder or another dating app or a dating site. A friend of mine doesn’t use Tinder &cie, although she tried to use those, but got bored with it after just two days. “On these dating sites, the picture is the single element in consideration.  I have a hard time finding a guy attractive just by looking at his picture” she said. “Maybe because there are so many profiles and I don’t know who to choose” she added. My friend has never managed to go on a date with someone she met online.

To be fair, I find it very time consuming to use Tinder and chatting with my matches, especially since I have a high ratio of failures, and I feel bored easily with online conversation. So I can understand why my friend doesn’t like those dating apps.

Besides, if there are so many people using dating apps, 88% of the people in the United States who have been with the same partner for five years or less met their significant other offline. Among my married friends, most of them met their partner while they were in high school, college, or through their shared friends, or at work. Most of them spent a lot of time together before they started dating. When you spend a lot of time with someone, you begin to know him/her more intimately, to the point of creating an emotional bond.  High School, College, work, same group of friends, … allow people to spend a lot of time together without much effort. It’s not the same with online dating. Both partners have to want to spend a lot of time together.  And it’s difficult when you don’t belong from the same circle.

As I have experienced so far, none of the men I met through Tinder were willing to spend a lot of their time with me. Because they have their job, their hobbies, their friends, their kids,… So it’s difficult to know them more intimately and to create an emotional bond with them.

But some of my friends who met their significant other online have managed to spend a lot of time with their partner from the very beginning of their relationship. One of them even moved into her partner’s apartment just one month after meeting him.

Offline or online, the key to build a genuine relationship is the time spent with your partner. When you don’t feel the hours go by when you are with him/her, it’s the sign you’re into him/her.

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