celibacy, life, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The danger of Tinder

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This week, a TV reporter made a video about her experience with Tinder. During the two months she was registered, she met two men who were very disrespectful with her. One used a model photo he found on google images for his profile. He arrived at their date two hours late, with a bottle of alcohol in his hand. He told her not to be stressed. And proposed to her to go to his place. The other one was very odd at the start, sending her sexual messages on their first contact. She reluctantly met him at a bar. He wanted to go to her place. And said it’s like that with Tinder. At the end of the conversation, he asked her if she wanted to touch her when she goes home. And sends her a pick of his dick.

Unfortunately, there are weirdos on Tinder. But one alarm should ring immediately if you see a photo of a man who looks like a model, if he matches with you. Even if you’re a model yourself, you should be extra careful with the picture. People lie easily on internet. When it seems too good to be true, it’s not true. It’s not a good idea to swipe right on a profile with pictures of his bare chest. Unless you only want to have sex, at your own risk.  It’s not a good idea to accept a drink right away after just two exchanges.  If he offers you to exchange phone numbers, accept. Because you will have access to his real name, and to his Facebook profile, Linkedin profile, … Especially if he has a public profile on Facebook. What he posts on Facebook is very revealing of his personality.  If he jokes on women on his profile, there are chances he will be horrible with you. It’s not a good idea to invite a total stranger to your place, or to meet a total stranger at his place for the first time. I’ve heard countless stories of women who found her date touching himself when they went to his place, or who were just watching porn.

Whitney Wolfe, the co founder of Tinder, and the CEO of Bumble, advises people to put several pictures of themselves (and not mirror selfies, group pictures, picture with a woman). Because it helps to tell who you are. I tend to swipe right men who put several pictures of themselves and a little bio. It’s a sign they’re not  looking just for a one night stand.

There are people who are looking for a serious relationship on Tinder. It’s just a way to meet people. Unfortunately, there are impostors, crooks, womanizers, sociopaths on Tinder as well.

Even if it’s Tinder, you should take you time. Time is your friend to know more about a total stranger. I still discover new things about the man I met on Tinder two years ago, and who has become a good friend of mine.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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broken heart, celibacy, relationships, thoughts, women

The high risks with a separated man

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Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.

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Why not serious?

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Love coaches advise to avoid putting you’re looking for a serious relationship in your online profile on OKCupid, Tinder,… Even if you’re looking for a serious relationship. That’s a paradoxe. Because most of people even on Tinder are looking for a serious relationship.

Is it because it’s obvious that we don’t have to put that on our online profile? Not really. Because our feelings can change. It’s best to be honest with someone about what you are looking for before the first date. But even those who “know” what they want can change their minds

It can even backfire if you say you want a serious relationship right away. A bit as if you say you want to marry the person you just met. But what is then the definition of a “serious relationship”?. The most obvious answer is “nothing short term” like a one night stand. It doesn’t necessarily means commitment.

Eva Illouz, a sociologist, relates in her book “Pourquoi l’amour fait mal?” many cases of long term relationships ending up because one member of the couple wanted more than the other. Many men collect long term relationship where they don’t invest themselves that much. They only see their significant other  twice a week, go on holidays and weekends with her, but don’t want to live with their significant other,  share a bank account, have children,… They push their partner to their limits, and let them do the breakup by either pulling away or constantly refusing their partner’s needs.

Some people like this situation because they feel the most wanted in the relationship. It’s easier to be put in the position where you are asked than when you ask. Some men like my ex don’t really want commitment because they feel better alone. But from time to time, they need to feel the presence of a woman in their life. They are comforted by the thought they can always find a woman on dating sites.

It can even happen that both partners don’t say I love you to each other during their long term relationship. Because when you love someone, all you want is to be with him/her. You don’t pace your relationship to a meeting twice a week. You want to spend every hour, day, night with the person you love.

So, people who are looking for a serious relationship, especially men, are not looking for a committed relationship. They just want to avoid the harsh situation of a one night stand with someone who’s a total stranger to them.

That’s why love coaches advice especially women not to put they’re looking for a serious relationship in their online profile.

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Bad encounter

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He’s on  Tinder, with a sole picture of his face, taken in chiaroscuro. Some female magazines warn you not to swipe right those kind of pictures. Those who use this art technique for their profile picture don’t want to be recognised on Tinder, either because they are famous (TV presenters, comedians, …) or because they don’t want their female acquaintances to recognise them. If you swipe right him by accident, and don’t engage the conversation, he will try to connect with you. He will ask for a date right away, without asking you any questions. If you don’t answer his invitation, he will keep on sending you an invitation to a date, until you say yes. You tell yourself why not after all. It’s just a drink. It won’t lead you anywhere. You’ve been there many times, to those dates where after just 30 minutes, your friends send you a message so you have an excuse to run away from your bad date.

He’s late on your first date. You tell yourself you’re weak to wait for him. You don’t know yet he’s not worth your time. He has apologised for his tardiness, saying he’s never late, usually. You don’t believe him. He tells you to order a drink and wait for him. You look around you, and see a group of three men next to your table. You should have started the conversation with them, but you’re too shy to interrupt their conversation. And they don’t look at you. Only the waitress notices there’s something wrong, and tells you you can’t stay here for long, because the place is booked for a birthday party. She tells you that with a big smile and wink at you. She’s seen many bad dates where the guy or the woman was a no show at all.

It’s raining outside. The sky has cracked several times. You manage to reach the bar where your date is set between two thunders and heavy rain. But he doesn’t. When he arrives at the bar, he’s soaking wet. You feel sorry for him. Even though you shouldn’t. You look  at him, and you feel a bit disappointed because he’s not that handsome. But you tell yourself you’re not shallow, and he’s not that unattractive, even if his clothes are wet and stick to his body. He’s  not athletic, so the view is not exciting. You think the guys you see at your gym would all look hot in that situation. He’s not. But he starts the conversation, and try to make you at ease. He’s nice with you, listens to what you say and asks you questions again, without interrupting you when you talk. You think the evening is lovely with him, but when he asks you to go somewhere for a last drink, you just tells him you have to leave because you have something to do early tomorrow. He seems disappointed but asks you when you want to see him again. So you set another date with him, a week later, because you want to analyse the date. You’ve been so burned before by players of all kinds. You are on the defensiveness.

Two days later, he sends you a message, asking you if you’re available for a lunch one of these days, despite the date you set. You accept, because he proposed to come near your office so you don’t waste your time in public transport. You find it a bit weird to have lunch with him. Your previous dates all happened at night. None of the guys you dated before asked you to have lunch with him. And you find him a bit impatient. He doesn’t want to respect the pace you set.

He’s on time, this time. When you see him on the street, you tell yourself again, you don’t find him very attractive. He tells you he has a call on 2pm so you don’t have much time to  talk to him. During the conversation, he compliments you on the way you look. You thank him. And blush. Because he looks at you in a way it makes you a bit uncomfortable. He doesn’t try to touch you. The other guys you dated did show you they were attracted to you by touching your forearm, mirroring your behaviour or even holding your hand. He offers you to walk back with you to your office. He doesn’t try to hold your hand, or to kiss you.

The D Date for your date, he invites you at his place, because he lives near the center of the town. He says you could walk easily to the restaurant from his place. He doesn’t lie. You think he will make his advance because it’s his place. But when you arrive at his apartment, he just welcomes you like he would welcome a friend. He asks you if you want to have a drink before going to the restaurant. Instead of one glass, he drinks three. You see he’s nervous.When you arrive at the restaurant, the place is already full. But he talks to the manager, who promises him a table in ten minutes. The manager offers us a drink outside as a compensation for the waiting period. And there, out of nowhere, he tells you you’re beautiful, and that he wants to kiss you. He adds he had to drink to have the courage to say this, because he thought you would reject him. You feel smitten. During the dinner, he bends several times to kiss you. He holds your hand and doesn’t want to leave it even when you eat. You tell to yourself you’re going to sleep with him tonight. Because you feel chill in your body every time he touches  you.

You think about Stormi Daniels, the porn star who used to be Donald Trump’s mistress. She said we all sleep with people we will regret. You tell yourself you will regret to sleep with him when you arrive at his apartment. And when he undresses you, you think if he doesn’t call you tomorrow, he’s just an asshole. Then, out of nowhere, his hand hits your ass. Not once. During the night, he hits it several times. It doesn’t hurt, but none of your previous lovers did this. You had some who pinched yours gently, and it stopped there. He tells you how beautiful you are, and how he’s excited. He talks a lot during sex. You would like him to shut up. It’s very late at night, and he offers you to stay at his place. But you tell to yourself you can’t wake up and leave him sleeping. His grip makes you understand you need to stay.

The morning after, when the morning hunts you down, you just drink your coffee while he returns to his bed. He makes the effort to wake up and accompany you to the front door of his building. He doesn’t say anything except goodbye. You don’t expect him to call you.

A day later, he leaves you a message, asking you how you are. He asks you for another date with him, but only during the week. It’s saturday, but he has other plans.  You agree to see him the next Wednesday and he agrees. He doesn’t text you during that break.

That day, he welcomes you by undressing you, and spanks you. After sex, he asks you if you want to go out, or stay at his place. It’s raining outside, and the thunder strikes again. You don’t feel to go out. So he offers you to cook for you. And tells you to talk to him. But you don’t know what to say. So you ask him questions. And you let him do the talk. He doesn’t ask you questions anymore. Instead, everytime you tell him something, he critizes it. He also guns down every topic you bring in the conversation, and tries to prove you wrong. You don’t find him so charming at all at that moment.  You think the veil has come down. This time, he’s not as passionated  when you have sex. After letting you come on him, he throws away the condom, but you know he hasn’t come.  He asks you to do a hand job. And when he’s about to come, he tells you he wants to ejaculate on your face. You accept. You feel his sperm running down your face, and crashing into your hair. The bad news is you will have to sleep like that, with his sperm on your hair. You don’t sleep well. Also because his phone rings during the night, several times.

The next morning, you feel a bit disoriented. You leave him. But you just want to have a shower and stay in bed. A friend of yours asks you to come at her place, but you refuse. You feel a bit disgusting.

This time, he leaves you no message. Days go by, until you decide to call him and ask him to see each other. He accepts, but again, only during the week. You feel a bit hesitant to go to his place again. Because you don’t know how he will react.  He doesn’t make you at ease. This time, he doesn’t touch you. He just asks you to have a drink with him. And then, he tells you he bought a Da Vinci IQ, a vaporizer for weed. He’s been smoking that non stop for the past five days. He offers you to share a puff with him. You accept. At least, when he’s high, he’s not mean with you. But he doesn’t touch you. He lets you sleep with him. And again, his phone rings several times during the night.

The next morning, he makes you hurry up because he has to be at the opposite of the town in an hour. He’s cold and distant. He just kisses you when you leave his apartment.

Again, he leaves you no message. But this time, you don’t contact him. Days go by, and you don’t get any news from him. You feel he’s trying to ghost you. You’re worried about that. So you break your rule and asks him why he’s not contacting you. And then he tells you he met somebody else, and that he should have told you earlier. You drop your phone, and feel your hand shaking. You don’t reply to him.

Since then, he has vanished.  You just make sure he will never come back into your life. Never.

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Why doesn’t he contact you?

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The most obvious answer to this question is because he doesn’t want to see you anymore. And he’s too coward to tell you that face to face, or even send you a text.

It’s a horrible situation for the receiver of this. Because at first, you tell yourself he will probably call you or text you sooner or later. But days go by, and you don’t have any news from him. No invitation to see each other. Nothing. You didn’t see it coming when you were together. He used to call you to set dates, to invite you to his place or to the restaurant. You wonder if you have missed some signs. But it’s not easy to tell you will end up getting no news from him. Yet, the feeling won’t let you sleep.

Sometimes, after weeks, or months, you will get some news from the vanisher. He’s probably bored, or just got out of a relationship, and thinks about you at that moment. It means nothing for him. And yes, you’re a fool if you reply to his message (unless you tell him to go fuck himself). The silent treatment also tells him to go fuck himself.

Some of my ex’s were vanisher like that. But the funny part of this story is that I still see two of them from time to time, just to catch up. We don’t see each other very much. I only see one of them twice a year. We just chat, and laugh, like old friends. He never contacts me. From the first time we met, I was always the one who initiated the contact. But he always replied. It’s just that he doesn’t contact me. It drove me mad, and after two weeks of no contact from him, I sent him a text saying we were over. He got mad when he received this, and told me if I wanted to break up with him, I had to tell him face to face. So we met a cafe near my place, when I told him it was over. And I didn’t hear from him, until the day of my birthday, when he sent me a message to wish me a happy birthday. He wished me a happy new year. I ended up going with him to a restaurant, and we had a long chat. That night, I understood I couldn’t expect anything from him. It was easy because time eased the pain, and I dated other men after him. He also dated other women. We’re just happy to see each other, as friends.

When someone doesn’t bother to call you anymore, don’t insist. Yes, that person doesn’t want to see you anymore, otherwise he would have called you. Don’t call him, don’t go to his place. Spend time with your friends, your family, do the things you love, and date other people. You might find someone who really wants to be with you.

 

 

 

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He’s not handsome but he’s a catch

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Recently, I met a man I don’t find very attractive. But he’s really nice with me. My friends told me to give him a chance, because the most important thing in a relationship is the way your partner treat you. “If he’s nice with you and if you spend great moments with him, don’t turn away” says my friend.

One of my friends always says handsome men are big trouble. “The non handsome men can look at you as if you are the most beautiful woman in the world and will consider they’re lucky to have you in their life“, she says. A handsome man can have a cold and painful beauty, and prefer to masturbate on pictures of women with big boobs instead of touching you. Or he can date other women while in a relationship with you.

Some men you find unattractive can  be horrible to you as well. It’s not because he’s unattractive that he will be nice to you and happy to be with you. But beauty doesn’t mean someone will treat you better anyway.

My friends always say a man should feel lucky to be with me. One of my friends always repeats this when I told him about my failed relationships.

Some people will bet on their beauty to find a relationship. These people are shallow and boring and should only match with people just like them. Beauty fades. A great personality will pass the test of time.

In “Sex and the city”, Charlotte falls in love with her divorce lawyer even if she doesn’t find him attractive. He just wins her heart by feeling lucky to be with her.

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