celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

What do you want from me?

What happens when you become the confident of the one you love? Is this the sign you lose all of your powers of desire, or the sign your relationship gets into a deeper bond?

Various studies promote the art of listening. If you’re a good listener, people will trust you. It will also help you to find friends and even the one you love.

Because when you ask questions and listen to the responses, you are in a good position to determine if it’s the right person for you. For instance, recently, I went to a date with a guy who started to rant against mixed couples, as he was talking about his recent trip to Singapore where he met a friend of him who’s dating a local there.

Many people told me their story and feel comfortable doing so with me. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to write this blog 😉

But as one woman I met recently told me, it can be tough to be just the listener. She was the PR of a green energy company, which has been through many changes. She said she acted as the shoulder people could cry on, and as a result, she was very tired of it. “It’s like listening to their problems is eating my energy” she added. “And I feel powerless“.

I do understand her, because I get also the impression people come to me as if I know the answer they don’t know. There’s one person in particular in my life who fits into this category right now.

It bothers me because deep in my heart, I wished he would love me. But I just watch him painfully living his life on his side, seducing other women. I don’t feel desirable, and I do compare every man I meet to him. This is not the right help to find the one.

So yes, the friend zone sucks in this case.

And it’s difficult, even almost impossible, to get out of it.

 But with time, it is easier to accept it.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Is Valentine’s day overrated?

This year, Valentine’s Day was really quiet in my country. Of course, flowers and chocolate shops did signal this day, as it’s probably, with Christmas, their biggest selling period of the year. But surprisingly, on social networks, Valentine’s Day was not that mentioned.

Among my Facebook friends, nobody published anything about their Valentine’s Day. The only one who did mention about it was a single friend of mine, who just wished to every of her friends who are in a relationship to have a great Valentine’s Day.

Another friend of mine, who just got divorced, posted also something on Facebook. But it was a rant against it.

To be honest, I felt also a little blue on that day. Valentine’s Day is synonym for me of high hopes and high disappointments in the end. I don’t know why, but  I always expect something extraordinary happening to me on that day. And of course, nothing really happens.

Two years ago, I even got humiliated on V-Day. My date at the time showed up late at the restaurant, and told me he was wondering where we were going.

But this year, it was different. I didn’t have any date to be disappointed on. Instead, a friend of mine invited me to a party she organized with her team for disadvantaged children. “They don’t really get the meaning of love” she said. “Because of their experiences. But we try to show them other ways” she added.  

My friend also told me she hates V-Day in general. “It’s just too commercialized” she said.

It is said that V-Day comes after a Saint named Valentin who was a priest tortured in the VIIe century because he married couples who were forbidden to do so during the war at the time.

There’s something really romantic in this story, but we’re really far from the box of chocolate and flowers our society try to sell us nowadays.

So I guess, for those who don’t have a Valentine, it’s best to give love, instead of waiting for it on that particular day.

Do you enjoy V-Day?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Hit and miss the one you love

Four years ago, my high school sweetheart contacted me through Facebook. He found me through the social site and posted something like “hey, glad I found you again” on my wall.  I wrote him back to discover he was single, after a seven years relationship with a woman he met in Italy while he was studying.

Back then, I was in a relationship. I told him right away I had someone in my life.

He didn’t seem disappointed. He said if I had to go to London, I should contact him. I used to go to London only several times a year because I got invited by big financial firms. But usually, my schedule was full for the day and night.

But then, something happened. The financial crisis, at its height in september 2008, forced me to go to London more.  My newspaper accepted to send me there numerous times, and accepted to pay for my travels and stays. I had more spare time in the city because of that.

So, I called him. The first time I met him, he invited me to have a sandwich in a park. He came to pick me at my conference place. And we spent the lunch time chatting. We haven’t spoken to each other since high school. I was a bit mad after him when it ended. We weren’t even speaking to each other. Back then, at our school prom, he invited me to dance with him, but then asked me to leave him because he was trying to flirt with the girl who was dancing next to us.  He and I were never a couple. But we used to spend a lot of time together.

We were just friends. But he invited me everywhere. Even if he had a girlfriend. Back then, every time someone took a picture near our group, we were always standing next to each other. A friend of mine, who didn’t know him, asked me once if he was my boyfriend. I wish he was, but it was never the case.

After high school, we went our separate ways. I didn’t hear about him anymore. And I didn’t miss him at all. I guess the night of our prom, when he told me to leave him alone, I told myself not to feel anything for him anymore. Besides, I dated other guys. And he wasn’t around anymore.

The first time I saw him back, after all those years, I didn’t feel anything particular. Maybe this was because I had a relationship. If I was single, maybe I would have acted differently. But I’m not sure.

And after our first meeting, I didn’t call him often to see him whenever I was in London. From time to time, I would call him. I knew he had someone in his life. So, I remained distant.

Now, he’s the father of a little boy. The last time I was in London, he introduced me to his son. I never met his significant other.

I’m not sure if I want to see him again when I’m in London. He never calls me. I get this feeling that if I don’t call him, he would never go after me. In october, I will be back in the city. I will probably accept the invitation for dinner coming from my professional contacts.

The thing we left broken sixteen years ago never got fixed. And it will never be, I guess.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

We’ll get married when we’re 40…

Recently, a friend of mine told me she was really upset because one of her friends was leaving for another country. “He said he fell in love with Thailand and wants to set a restaurant there. He already sold his house and all his belongings here when he told me that. It wasn’t a joke. He was really on the go” she said.

Her friend and she had a special friendship. They were lovers for years until they decided to call it quits (she left him because he cheated on her). But they have remained good friends.

Last year, she told me they made a pact together. By the time they will be 35, if no one is involved in a serious relationship, they will have a child together. She said they planned to live next to each other to raise the kid. But she also said they don’t want to rekindle their old flame.

So, when he told her he was about to leave for Thailand, she was disappointed, because she will never have a kid with him (she’s turning 35 in six months).

Why do we make such plans? My friend isn’t the only one who made such promises. Usually, we seal this kind of deal when we’re young, in College for example. Because at 20 and under, we may not know what holds the future, but we have still some illusions about it.

Life often decides otherwise for us.  At 20, people have an unclear idea of what they will be when they grow old. I knew back then I wanted to be a journalist. But I couldn’t really see how.

Life also offers us opportunities we know we can’t refuse. And these change the course of our destiny. For example, a friend of mine got offered the chance to work abroad, in Hong Kong. She couldn’t refuse. But she would never thought, when she was young, she would work there.

We can also meet the One despite such a deal. “I made a deal with my best friend when we were 22. By the time we’re 40, if we  were still single, we would get married together. But then, I left for another town because I had an opportunity for a job, and we lost contact. Fifteen years later, I learned he got married. His wife is now expecting their second child. Our deal seems really compromised” R., 39, said.

Besides, why setting a day in the future like that? Chances are it will never work in the future if it didn’t work in the past. Or if we hadn’t tried anything.

As for my friend, I think her plan was ill-fated from the start.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

Take it back (hysteria)

Relationships can offer us a lot of frustrations. But it’s worth to ask how you get frustrated by your significant other.

Recently, I got into a huge fight with my ex, who has the ability to be alternatively warm or cold with me. It started weeks before. He begged me to come to a party with him, but I had other plans. I accepted to change my plans for him. And the D-day, at that party, he simply ignored me the whole evening to chat with other women.

Since I know him, it has always been like that. I went to New York with him, but when I arrived there, he told me he had a lot of work to do and that he couldn’t spend a lot of time with me. He even invited his coworker to join us during our dinner.

I understood it wasn’t working between us when we went  hiking together.  He was constantly hung on his mobile phone. The last day of our trip, we finished our path earlier and had some spare time. I was sitting on a bench, reading my book, and he was again talking on his phone. He was standing very far from me. He was constrained by the space around us. But he could have gone further, I guess he wouldn’t have hesitated.

He had also the nasty habit of telling me a lot of women were after him. And he lied a lot to make him feel important.

 A friend of mine, who’s a psychologist, told me he’s hysterical. Men can suffer from hysteria too. Apparently, guys who suffer from this pathology have that unpleasant habit of playing hot and cold with women. They also suffer from erection trouble and impotency.

This kind of man will always keep you at the distance they want you to stay. My ex has this nasty habit of running after me whenever he felt I was trying to forget about him. He didn’t want me to leave for good when he told me it was over. Instead, he insisted that we saw each other two days later, and he offered me to take a walk, bought me flowers, and kissed me. And then, he became cold again.

I had a lot of difficulties to get out of this infernal circle. To be fair, I’m still struggling to get away from this.

If you choose to stay in that poisonous relationship, let me just tell you this: you will feel like shit every time he becomes cold again with you.

Is there a way to break that circle? Yes. Tell him how you feel. Don’t lie. I’m very confused about my feelings, so I know how difficult it is. But I wrote down all my feelings on a piece of paper. And I realize how hurt I was.

Hysterical people can feel empathy. That’s why it is important to tell your feelings. To set your boundaries. To tell your limits. It helps a lot, to be honest.

blogging, broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

Sweet instigator

Some people need a trigger in their life to know their real potential. It’s true in your professional life, but it’s also the case in relationships. In a stupid show called Temptation island broadcast in my country, there was this couple that kept on fighting with each other via the cameras. He treated her as a slut while she said he had no respect for her. At the end of the adventure, they decided to split. The woman decided to start a relationship with one of her tempters, while her ex decided to live like a Casanova. He wasn’t like that before. Maybe the proximity (and promiscuity) with the numerous ladies on the island triggered this.

This is an example on how we could change. Some of us have experienced this situation where you just help the other to feel better, and where he/she left you once recovered for someone else. In other words, you served as his/her diving-board for happiness. “I’m a St-Bernard by nature. I can’t help myself to help the others. But sometimes, they don’t give it back to me, and this has mostly happened in my love life. One of my exes was a friend of mine who just went through a difficult period in his life. He lost his mother, and used me as a shoulder to cry on. Our relationship lasted two years, and when he overcome his pain, he just left me for another woman. I felt so betrayed at that time. I still haven’t forgiven him for that” I.,34, explains.

Helping your partner-who-will-seek-for-a-greener-grass-soon to gain back his/her confidence isn’t only reserved for the St-Bernard characters. Y., 34, told me that she didn’t do anything particular to help her partner feel better. “I knew that he was absolutely thrilled to have me, that he couldn’t imagine landing someone like me. Three months after we started dating, he left me for someone else, and became a Casanova. When I knew him at the beginning, he was this insecure guy who thought he hadn’t any chance with the opposite sex” she said. Same story for U., 32. “I was considered as the sexiest girl in my school, and dating me was a challenge. But I fell for this cute little guy, you know, the type who doesn’t know how handsome he is and just blushes when women look at him. After he had me, he just took conscience of his potential with women, and began to cruise”she said.

Then, there’s the sex. Do you remember this episode in Sex and The City where Charlotte goes out with a film critic that underwent surgery to cut some skin off his dick because she asked him to do so, then left her to test his new willie? This is an example. “When I met him, he was still a virgin. I teached him several tricks in bed, and he wanted to test those with someone else” P., 30, said.

So, do you think people who used other to feel better should be burned? Just asking :mrgreen:

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, sex, thoughts, women

I’m not in love…

It’s just a silly phase I’m going through

Relationships can be the land of confusions. What you thought at first was real love turned just into a little crush or the next step, limerence. On the contrary, a little crush can also develop into true love. But for a reason, we, women, cannot differentiate all of this and it can lead us very heart-broken. Maybe it’s because we’re mostly driven by our emotions, I don’t know.

With maturity, however, we manage to make the difference between those different feelings, but it’s not always that easy. I’m always amazed how men can do that so easily. Recently, one of my friends broke up with her partner after two years together. Their relationship wasn’t exactly what we could call a normal one. She told me he didn’t want to commit that much in it, and she accepted it. They were seeing other people while they were together, and I thought that she didn’t love him, she just had fun with him. But when it ended, she got badly heart-broken and she’s still not over him yet.

Maybe she should have left him way before it ended.

How do we get into situation like these? Well, sometimes, the man is also responsible for this. “When we started dating, he promised me thick and thin. He told me he never met someone like me, that he really loved me and I believed him. But after six months spent together, he just left me. I realized afterwards he was chasing me just because he idealized me. He had absolutely no idea who I really was. I’m sure he couldn’t tell what is my favourite band, author, film, what are my little habits” U., 30, explained.

But sometimes, men make the conditions crystal clear in the beginning of the relationship, and we still fall into the trap of our emotions. “He told me there was nothing serious between us, that he just wanted to have fun with me. But deep in my mind, I thought I could change his mind. I was really in love with him, but the feeling was never mutual. When he realized I got way too attached to him, he dumped me” J., 35, said. “I knew he was just a ladykiller, and that no woman has ever succeeded in settling him down. But silly me, I thought I could be that woman, and I failed” G., 32, said.

Of course, some women are able to put their feelings aside and deal with such a relationship. And you can get a reverse situation too. “I liked him, but I knew I wasn’t in love. Unfortunately for him, he was really in love with me. He was devastated when I announced to him it was over. I had just a crush for him” H., 32, said. “I started dating him because I needed to have company after my breakup with my ex. I felt nothing for him, except maybe friendship. He felt offended when I told him it was over, and that I just needed his company to get better” T., 29, told me. “I just wanted to have sex with him, and curiously, it turned out he was in love with me. But I never felt that way for him” D., 30, said.

Like Elvis sang, “Only fools rush in“. By taking our time in a relationship (not purely based on sex), we could more easily differentiate if it’s a crush, limerence or true love we feel for the other. It’s easier said than done. But our past experiences can play an important role in this. “I had in the past several relationships where it all started great and then all of a sudden, the guy realized he didn’t like me that much. When I met G., things started pretty much the same as it did with my exes. We were working in the same office, he started flirting with me, but I realized he didn’t pay that much attention to who I was. It occured to me because once, another colleague of mine that I don’t particularly like  received a box of chocolate that he offered me. He just told me he knew I like chocolate (I pack a lot of chocolate bars in my drawer) while I was pretty sure that G. couldn’t tell this about me. It was crystal clear for me I was heading in the wrong direction with G.”J.,29, said.

Have you ever got confused like that?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, miscellaneous, thoughts, women

You’re on the other side of the world to me

Who’s never been rejected by the one you’re in love with? If you haven’t, then either you’re really really lucky or just a liar. If we could always get what we want, that would be too easy. I’ve watched for years now my cousin trying to get his long-time kindergarten love, who just basically makes him hope he’ll someday reach his goal. That’s just pure cruelty. On the other hand, my cousin should move on and understand for good he would never have her. But it’s not easy.

Some people can’t stand being fooled like that and choose only people that are interested in them. But for some reasons, some people fall in love with someone that doesn’t love them back. “Everyone is just astonished when I say I’m not lucky in love. I’m not attracted to the ones that are attracted to me, I only fall for guys who couldn’t care less about me”I., 34, explains.

Love isn’t fair. When you fall in love, you can’t control your feelings and you’re vulnerable. If the one you love loves you back, it’s marvelous. Unfortunately, it might not be the case all the time. And that’s how you end up with a broken heart. ” I just fell for a guy I thought at first was a total jerk. It just happens, I felt hit by his charms, but he didn’t like me. I felt devastated after that” Y., 30, said.

Some people do accept easily being rejected, while for other, it’s such a big deal. If you’ve been spoiled and always got what you wanted, when a situation like that happens to you, you  just go bezerk. And you can end up in a situation where you can  harass the object of your attention. “I knew she was in love with me, but the feeling wasn’t mutual. She decided that I would end up loving her, and made everything possible to get to that goal. She spied on me, discouraged every woman that tried to flirt with me, called me all the time on my cellphone, followed me everywhere. It just creeped me out, so I decide to move to another town where she couldn’t reach me” R., 35, said.

For some people, getting the love of someone is like a challenge. “It’s like a game of seduction. I always try to seduce the men that aren’t interested in me. And if I succeed, it just gives me confidence to go for a bigger challenge”J., 34, told me. This is just pure narcissism, not  love anymore. It’s also the basis for homewrecking. Generally, the people who resist you the most are the one who are taken. It’s the biggest challenge for some women.  This also smells  like the oedipus complex.

So, how do you react when you get rejected?