The one for me

Birds of a feather flock together, it is said.  In relationships, several studies have shown that long term relationships fare better if both partners share common points and the same philosophy of life. As I attended my sister’s wedding yesterday, I couldn’t help noticing how many times people said they have very similar tastes, starting from the love of horror movies, to the USA, and finally, to their little dog. My sister met her husband during a concert. They both loved hard core music. A not so common taste. And this is how it began for them.

We don’t have to share everything in common with the one we love. It’s impossible. And also, I doubt this could be sustainable on the long run. I couldn’t stand my copycat. But it’s best to share the most important passions with our significant other. For instance, if you really love traveling, you will have a hard time dealing with a lover who hates it. This is why it’s important to know what you really like doing. Because otherwise, you will head to a lot of misunderstandings with the one you love.

Some people do fall in love with people who are the exact opposite of themselves. “When I met P., he was different from all of the men I dated so far. He was also very unruly, but I guess I fell in love with him for that reason. It didn’t last because of that. I could never count on him and he never kept his promises” O, 34, said.

But we all fall in love with the person who holds the promise to change our life.  In my sister’s case, that change wasn’t important. But her relationship has brought her a lot of change in her life since it started.

I guess that change isn’t a problem when both lovers share the same philosophy of life. It becomes a problem when the two live in very different worlds. “I hated his friends and his family. They were all athletes  and talked about sport all of the time. This wasn’t my cup of tea at all. I met him while he was playing handball in my town. I was a waitress in a cafe where his team came after the match. And we fell in love at first sight. But I realized he was living in a world I could never fit in” M.,35, said.

And it’s not because you share the same passion that you will necessarily fall in love with your significant other. For instance,  I could fall in love with many many male journalists if this was the case. But journalists can be very different, and share complete opposite tastes. One of my colleagues like house music and never miss a love parade, for example.  Another one of my colleagues is in favor of degrowth and a ferocious ecologist. Another one is just stuck in his teenage years (and he’s 40). While another one goes to Church every sunday.

This common point can help, though. In my newsroom, many of my colleagues are in a relationship with a fellow journalist. Nobody can understand better what we’re going through than someone in the same circle. Yet, our profession doesn’t make us whole. This is why some of my colleagues fell in love with someone outside our circle. One of them is married to a soprano. He’s been fascinated by opera for years before meeting her. Another one married an actor. She’s acting in the same company as him. That’s how they met. Another one met his wife during a posh party only accessible to aristocrats. Others met their significant other through common friends.

So, finding the one isn’t that easy. Besides, love is irrational.

It’s not really over

Break ups can be difficult. And some of us can’t do this properly. Last night, I was talking with a friend of mine about ex’s, and she said she had some cases of unfinished business. She’s about to go on holiday with her ex alone, and told me that she’s unable to date someone without him getting jealous.”And I’m as jealous as him” she said. She admitted she wants to get back with him. But so far, every time she tried, he pushed her away. Yet, he can’t let her go.

She cut all contacts with him several times, but each time, he would come back and beg her to come back. Yet, he hasn’t been able to offer her what she needs: a real relationship. And my friend is fed up with this. “I don’t understand. My other ex’s don’t have such a difficult relationship with me. I’m just friends with some of them, and it’s not ambiguous at all. But with him, it’s like we’re a couple, except that we’re not” she said.

Why can’t we break up for good with some people?

“When G. told me it was over, I was devastated. I told him I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. But he begged me not to forget about him, and insisted to remain friends. I tried to cut all contacts with him. But after one week, he came at my place and hugged me. He said nothing, but started to kiss me. And I couldn’t resist to him” O.,, 34, said. “After that, he started to call me whenever he wanted to have sex with me. But he also promised me a lot of things, like going to a restaurant, to the movies, on holidays together,… But we weren’t officially back together. It lasted six months, until he found someone else” she added.

“P. and I have known each other since high school. He was my first love. We got married after we finished College, and I was also pregnant with our first child at the time.  After ten years of marriage, our relationship started to deteriorate. I was very successful in my career, while his didn’t seem to lead him anywhere. We had periods where we fought all of the time.  Until I discovered he had a mistress. So, I decided to ask for a divorce. During the process of separation, we got to see each other a lot because of the kids, of the lawyers, … When the divorce was finalized, we went once to a restaurant. And we got so drunk that we slept together. After that, we continued to see each other without telling anyone about it. We even went on holidays together, without the kids. But there, he admitted he was seeing someone else. He swore she didn’t mean anything to him. But I realized there I was doing a terrible mistake of trying to rekindle something that was broken and dead. I decided to stop this” T., 37, said.

A clear and proper break up involves two things: a real separation and distance. Afterward, if you decide to remain friends or rekindle your relationship, it’s important to communicate about the definition of your relationship. There’s nothing that sucks more than an ambiguous relationship when you don’t know where to sit. But you don’t become instant friend or lover with your ex just like that. It’s important to move on from the past relationship first. This means: no contact with your ex for a while. And a while isn’t two weeks. A while is at least three months. And even three months isn’t enough, in most cases I know.

It’s more complicated when you have kids or the same circle of friends, colleagues,… than your ex. But it’s always possible to limit the contact to the strict minimum with your ex for a while.

I’m telling you this because I have also some difficulties ending a relationship that brings me nothing but trouble and disappointments. And I know the only way to end this is to cut all contacts with him.

Back to black

Three years ago, one of my coworkers started dating another one of my coworkers. And we have all noticed an improvement in their looks since they hook up. When she arrived in my company, she was always dressed the same: black pants, black shirt. Those weren’t particularly fitting for her. He was also not that well dressed. He had huge glasses and put tons of gel in his hair. Since they got together, I’ve never seen her wearing black and unfitting clothes anymore. He also ditched the glasses and the gel. And dresses more simply (and with more taste).

She was very shy when she arrived in our company. I didn’t even know she was working for us until four months after she arrived. And I just noticed her because she was following D. like a lost puppy. When D.’s got fired, she was a bit lost and tried to bond with another coworker, who looked like D. And who is gay, like D.

She had the absolutely wrong tactic to get a guy. Like we say in French: “on n’attrape pas les mouches avec du vinaigre“. It’s impossible to attract someone by not taking care of ourselves, by following him everywhere  and by trying to please him.

But she finally managed to catch someone: the one she wasn’t running after. Her man was fond of her from the beginning, but he was too coward to make his move. They finally got together at one of our Christmas parties. And they are now married.

Last night, I went out with a group of women among which there were two spinsters. One was dressed in a mini-skirt and a deep cleavage top. The other one was dressed all in black, the non-fitting one.

People who think they are too fat usually wear this kind of uniform. This is valid for women and for men. But let’s be honest, this doesn’t do them any justice. When I talked to the woman who was dressed like that, I realized that she wasn’t at ease at all with her body.

I guess from the two spinsters who were at that party, the one with the mini-skirt will surely find someone quicker than the other one. The one with the mini-skirt was all smile during the evening, while the other was less ongoing. Yet, she’s a sweet girl. But with men, I’m afraid she will never be more than just a good friend if she doesn’t change a little bit.

Among my friends, I have one who’s tall and overweight too, like her. But she doesn’t dress like her. She even manages to wear clothes that fit her, and looks good. Since I know her, she’s never got outside without make-up, and she’s not afraid to wear high heels (she has a collection of shoes). And my friend has found her match.

This woman just needs a little help with her wardrobe. This is the start of everything. Like I said: “On n’attrape pas les mouches avec du vinaigre“.

Speak to my heart

Recently, I has to interview two guys who wanted to see me to talk about their business. The boss was the one who stood behind his newly hired associate, a very handsome man. Tall, athletic, with deep blue eyes. But it just left me cold. When my friends saw his picture in our newspaper, they asked me if it wasn’t too difficult to stay composed  and concentrated in front of him. And I replied it didn’t matter to me if he was handsome or ugly.

Three days later, I had another interview, this time, with a professor of finance. And there, I had a hard time remaining concentrated. Because the guy was absolutely charming. Objectively, he’s less handsome than the man I previously interviewed. But this man just spoke to my heart. He made me laugh all of the time. And said sensible things about my job. At the end of the interview, I was sad this was the end…

But I would have been distracted during my first interview if the guy had tried to flirt with me a little bit. It wasn’t the case. He just answered my question. Curiously, afterward, the professor left me a very short email thanking me for the interview. And the other one did too, but his email was very long. And very flattering.

All of this is just business to me. I know that if one of these guys was really interested, they would have tried to invite me for dinner or a coffee. This wasn’t the case.

Yet, it shows that what attracts us is not necessarily the most obvious thing. When I look at my ex’s, I can’t say I was immediately struck by their beauty. B., for example, is far from being athletic, he wears big glasses and doesn’t wear clothes that necessarily compliment his shape. To be fair, intelligence and humor are my biggest turn on. Plus, if a man is too handsome, I just feel not pretty or hot enough for him. And I only imagine him with his female equivalent, that is said, a tall, athletic and beautiful woman.

I do have physical preference too. I like tall guys who take good care of themselves  (but not the metrosexual type either). But these details alone aren’t enough.

So, what turns you on?