The sexual turnoff

Recently, a friend of mine told me she panicked when she discovered the man she was dating had a piercing on his penis. She said she managed to get out of his house and dumped him the next day. “I don’t even want to give it a try. That’s a definite no-no” she said.

She met him at a bar four weeks ago. He made her laugh, so she decided to have a date with him. He was ten years younger than her, and she said she wasn’t comfortable that much with his look, which was special. She said she should have stick to her first impression and left the guy alone. But she wanted to know him a little bit better.

I asked her if she told him what was bothering her. But she replied she doesn’t believe he would take it off just because she doesn’t want that inside of her.

Another friend of mine told me the same story. The woman he was dating had a piercing on her clitoris. She didn’t hide it from him. She tried to arouse him by telling him about this detail. But it made the exact opposite effect on my friend. He said the thought of sleeping with her completely turned him off. And so, he broke off with her.

In both cases, I can’t help thinking this is a bit shallow. We don’t break up for just a detail. Besides, people can get bored of their piercings and remove them. But my two friends were at a time where they just broke off with their long term partner. These were their rebound relationship.

What if they really like their pierced partner? I guess the only way in this situation is to communicate on this topic. You can say you’re afraid to get physically hurt by this. If the other person understands this, maybe it’s possible to find a compromise.

But to be fair with my friends, I must admit I would find it awkward too.

What would you do?

A strange bond (brothers/sisters or lovers?)

When I was in India, I was intrigued at the beginning of my trip by two of my travel companions. I thought they were a couple, until I spoke to them. They rapidly told me they were brother and sister, but admitted no one believes them and everyone thinks they are a couple. The truth is, among all my friends, I don’t see them traveling abroad with their family, unless if it is for a special occasion like a wedding.

“Do you travel with your sister?” they asked me. I replied my sister is married, thus she travels with her husband now. “We’re not yet married, so we can still travel together” they replied. Among my single friends, most of them travel with their friends, but rarely with their family. Recently, a friend of mine went to Argentina during three months, with her best friend. Her sister didn’t accompany her. Another one traveled to Hawaii with her best friends too, but her brother stayed in my country.

When I got back in my country, I heard another conversation of the same kind. The woman in my elevator was speaking to her coworker about the recent house purchase she made with her brother. They decided to have their own floor, so they had to build two bathrooms, two living rooms, two kitchen in their house.

Roommates can be easily accepted when you get into a relationship with someone else. So, it doesn’t matter here if your roommate is your brother or your sister. But the bond you create with your siblings can hinder your relationship too. Especially if your sibling acts like a jealous boyfriend/ girlfriend.

“I met once a charming man in a dinner with friends. But during the dinner, my brother was constantly taking food off my plate, and sometimes, gave me some of his food so I could taste it. I could see on my potential lover’s face something bothered him about this. For the rest of the evening, he wouldn’t want to talk to me. Later, I learned he told one my friends I had a sick bond with my brother” T., 34. said.

“When my brother started in his new company, he asked me to accompany him to his numerous cocktails. He needed my company because he barely knew anyone at this work place back then. But I found it really weird to accompany him, because around us, all of his coworkers brought their wife or fiancee. It looked as if we were a couple. I quickly told my brother I wouldn’t accompany him anymore.” K., 37, said.

When people around you start to ask you about your bond with your sibling, maybe this is the warning sign there’s something wrong. Normally, we just know when it’s a normal brother and sister relationship, and when it’s not.

Boulevard Nights

Once, when I got to pick a friend of mine at her apartment for driving her to the airport, I noticed a strange ballet outside of her place. It was five in the morning, on a Saturday, and there were men and women, often young, walking with their clothes and hair undone. The women also looked in need of a proper makeup remover… It reminded me of my years in College, where I often went back to my apartment a little bit wasted…

My friend told me in the car she looked exactly like them whenever she came back from a one-night stand.”I never stay over. It’s too weird” she said.”I went once to a party where I drank too much and followed a guy I met there at his place. I was drunk, but not enough to avoid noticing the state of his apartment, untidy as hell. It was impossible not to walk on something. Plus, it was filthy. So, I waited until the guy fell asleep, and rushed out of his place. The next morning, a friend of mine, who was at the party, asked me how was the night, with the “hottie” I landed. I realized he was en  plus not very handsome…” she said.

This is one of the problems with drunken nights. But when you’re not drunk, the “morning” after a one-night stand can be as awkward. When you’re not a your place, you can always leave after your misfit, especially if your one-night stand really sucked. But if it’s at your place, there’s the problem of making him/her go away.

If you live alone, this is more a problem than if you have one or several roommates. They can provide you a good excuse to get rid of your one night-stand.

Of course, this kind of embarrassment doesn’t happen if you choose to wait before having sex with the one you’re currently dating.

Post sex behaviors

It is said that women love to cuddle after sex, while men don’t. This is the result of the hormone we release after sex: the oxytocin. Men, on the other hand, release an hormone called prolactin, which makes them sleep or a bit numb for sometime.

This results in one scenario: the woman will get emotionally attached to her sexual partner, while he will feel nothing.

Well, maybe this is a general rule, but my two last experiences thought me that men can create a bond with their sexual partner, a protective one.

Once they have slept with a woman, men mark their territory. It’s not obvious just after sex, but it’s in their reaction afterwards. For instance, try this: go and have a lunch with your ex and see how he reacts. In practice, he will act very differently than your male friends, especially if you were the last woman he slept with. At the restaurant, he wouldn’t hesitate to eat in your plate if you don’t finish it. He would look jealous if the waiter flirts openly with you, and after the restaurant, he would offer to accompany you to your car/place just in case, and watch your steps when you walk (for instance, they will insist to walk on the side of the road to protect you).

He may feel nothing after sex, but his attraction for you doesn’t necessarily vanish afterwards.

Recently, I went to a barbecue where one of my friends invited everyone she knew. This included M., her coworker, and G., a male friend, who were constantly not very far from her during the barbecue, until they left. My friend had always denied she was sleeping with M. But she told me she did cross the line several times with G. “everytime she felt lonely“. When I was speaking to her, they could hear our conversation, and each  time she replied, they smiled, as if they remembered something she said.

I’m not sure women react the same way. But it’s true that our body has its own memory. And this is how you can feel a little strange kissing another guy or sleeping with him.

The best I’ve ever had

Last week, I went to hear Boris Cyrulnik. He was there to speak about his latest book, on shame. But at the end of his lecture, he mentioned an old story about women in the 13th century who basically looked after a man’s fingers before his brain. And by fingers, he also meant the one down below the hand…

This reminded me of a previous conversation I had with a friend of mine, who said she could forgive anything to the one who gives her the best sex she’s ever had. She said that only a man who knows her well can give her the best sex. Maybe she’s right.

Most of my male friends don’t agree with this, on the other hand. They all replied that it depends on what the other did.

But it’s true that female pleasure is much more complicated than the male one. Everything happens in the brain first in a woman. So, basically, if I reverse what my friend said, I would say that it’s impossible for the one who gives us the best sex we’ve ever had to do something unforgivable to us. Because we wouldn’t have some pleasure with someone we don’t trust.

Among my acquaintances, there’s one girl who married the one who gives her the best sex she’s ever had. They slept on the first night together and began a very torrid relationship where they barely spoke to each other. They knew each other a little bit before that because they worked in the same company, although they exchanged very few words. She told me she was a bit intimated by him because he was really handsome. Plus, he had a string of lovers in the company. So, when he proposed to her to drink a coffee, she accepted. Five minutes later, they were at it. After two months of rough sex, “the best she’s ever had” she said, she learned she had to go back to her native town because her aunt passed away. When she returned home, she didn’t have the heart to have sex again with him. But instead of turning his back on her, he took her to the sea side just to breathe some fresh air. And there, they discovered they had many common points.

Besides, what defines the best sex you’ve ever had? When I asked my female friends about this, they all admit that it goes a little bit beyond than just sex. “It’s how he treats you as a lover” replied one of them. “It’s how he makes me feel like a woman” another one said. This just means that we have to be treated the right way in the bedroom.

It’s not just a question of performance, duration, size,… So, in a way, it’s really difficult to find the one who will give us the best sex we’ve ever had. It’s really difficult to find the one, at all.

Maybe those women in  the 13th century were right…

Scent of a man

B. says that women leave men because of their poor hygiene. I don’t agree with him. Poor hygiene is associated with other causes which can be the real root of the problem: it can be depression, mental illness, rebellion, middle age crisis,…Poor hygiene in itself isn’t enough to make a woman run away.

At least, not if the romance has been going on for  some time. But this can be disqualifying when it’s the first date. “I had a crush on G. over a long time, but I never got the occasion to talk to him nor to be close to them. Once, we got invited to sky by a common friend, and I got to know him a little bit more. But once I got close to him, I realized he smelt really badly, and my crush for him got shattered really quickly” S., 38, said. “I met U. on the Internet. After months of numerous emails and chats, we decided to meet in persona. He already sent me some recent pictures of him. And he was really handsome on it. But once I had him in front of me, there was something wrong about him: his odor, and not just the feet” P., 34, said.

Biogically speaking, we tend to choose our significant other because of his/her odor. It has to appeal to us. Apparently, we choose so because we want to pick the best partner for reproducing. Yep. But we’re not aware of this. Not completely.

But divorcing someone because of his odor is not something common. First, you would have noticed this detail earlier on. Love can make you blind, but can’t remove your sense of smell. This is simply not possible. Or you were drunk or drugged when you met your significant other.

When I told this to one of my friends, who’s a lawyer specialized in divorce, she laughed. We divorce for many reasons, but that alone isn’t enough.

And this last example alone proves I’m right: when I was a banker, I had this client who was really wealthy, but also really filthy. He had always been liked that. Yet, his wife never divorced him. And she wasn’t filthy at all. Their house used to be divided in two: her side, clean and neat, and his side, full of garbages.

Perhaps B.’s got rejected by this lame excuse in the past. This would explain that.

A past never far?

A few years ago, one of the ministers of my country got married to a famous attorney. At their wedding, they picked their ex’s as best man and maid of honor. This story was really weird. And no, their ex’s didn’t intervene to ruin their marriage. They are still together now.

Would you invite your ex to your wedding? And as a best man/maid of honor?  Personally, I wouldn’t, in any case. It sounds like a revenge on your ex. I asked around me if people could do so, and this is what they replied.

“It depends. If my ex is married and have moved on, I wouldn’t consider this as a revenge. Of course, I have to remain friends with my ex, otherwise I wouldn’t even bother to invite him to my wedding” O., 34, said.

“No, it would be too weird. Even if N. and I remain good friends, I could never invite him to my wedding. And I wouldn’t want to go to his wedding either. N. and I were engaged before we decided to call it quits. This is why I think it would be too weird. It’s like we would remind us of our own failure to get married together” B., 32, said.

“My ex is the God father of my daughter. So, yes, I invited him to my wedding. We were dating when we were in High School, but we realized we were better friends than lovers, and we decided to remain that way. As a friend, he never lets me down. And so do I.  It was obvious I should have invited him to my wedding.” P., 35, said.

“Certainly not. B. and I find it hard to resist to each other. He’s not himself when I’m around and so am I. So far, I’ve never dated a guy who could make me forget about him. And he had come back into my life several times, ruining all my relationships. So, I don’t think I would get married someday. I would hope it will be with B., but it’s hopeless. And if I do get married with someone else, I will never invite B. at my wedding. I would also have a hard time accepting B.’s wedding with another woman” N.,33, said.

I guess it all depends on how it ended with your ex. But personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to invite your ex to your wedding. And even worse, your significant other’s ex.

Would you dare?

A little L

Recently, I had a strange conversation with one of my acquaintances about his former boss. I also knew him when he was working in that company, and at the end of his mandate, we all knew he had a mistress in the building.  My acquaintance thinks he was fired for that reason. Some companies don’t like when their employees get intimate. But he also thinks it was just an affair, nothing more serious.

I really doubt about this. The guy isn’t shy about showing his mistress around. If it was really an affair, their couple wouldn’t have made it to the light. Most of my friends and acquaintances who had an affair told me they were ashamed of it and hid it to their entourage. Either because they were committed in a relationship elsewhere, or because they didn’t think this would like very long.

Maybe I’m wrong and that they are actually having an affair. The romantic I am can’t imagine their legitimate partner just close their eyes on this. Perhaps they’re in an open marriage?

Message in a bottle

Very recently, one of my friends complained about her telephone bills. She had it for over 300 euros of communications just in a month. But she admitted she abused of text messaging. Last month, she sent over a thousand SMS, only to one of her contacts. The man she fancies. She told us she became addicted to those messages, and that her heart beats out every time the little ring of her cellphone indicates her she has a new one.  She met him at a party one week before this frenzy began. And she said it’s a great way to flirt with him and test him before taking their relationship to the next level.

“Why don’t you call him and why doesn’t he call you?” asked one of my friends. “It’s because on the phone, I don’t know what to say, especially since I don’t know him very well. But texting him is easy and effortless” she replied.

The truth is, texting is quite useful in our very busy agenda. I always text my contacts before calling them. It’s a good way to know if they’re busy or not. But I’m not convinced it’s a good way to flirt. Of course, it can tell you if he/she’s interested in you if he/she doesn’t reply. But with texting, you miss the whole picture of flirting. It’s difficult to show any emotion in a written message, no matter how you write it. Words can be hard to decipher sometimes. Blanks in a phone conversation or a face to face have a certain charm. Seeing the other’s face getting red, changing, and hearing him stuttering indicates you a lot more than just a text. And usually, it’s more difficult to lie when you’re face to face.

Yet, it’s great to receive a message from your lover during your busy day. It’s just a way to sustain your love, among other things.

But a relationship purely based on texting is a mistake. Like we say in French, “Il faut de tout pour faire un monde“.

So, do you text a lot?

Bad romance

Do we have to suffer when we are in love? Some people think so. Psychologists will tell you the contrary. If a relationship is based on pain and mental anguish, there’s a good chance it’s ill-fated. But we all have to experience this to realize we’re on the wrong way. It’s part of the process of growing up. When you ask people if they have ever been in a tumultuous relationship, most of them will answer yes. But most of them consider this as an experience from the past, and know they won’t get fooled again like that. At least, they hope so. It’s very easy to repeat the same mistake over and over again if we don’t know ourselves that much and if we didn’t learn at all from our past relationships.  Sometimes, it takes years to realize we’re on the wrong way with love. Sometimes, we fall back into that trap after a strong relationship.

C., 40, have only experienced bad relationships so far. The father of her two girls is no exception to the long list of twisted lovers she had. “They were all crazy. But never with the same craziness. One of them has to be hospitalized because he was a schizo. The others were not that crazy, but they were strange. One of them would disappear for two weeks and then came back without saying a word, and it just drove me mad all of the time. There was one who was in a cult and wanted me to join in. There was another one who had nightmares all of the time, and screamed in the middle of the night because of that. Not to mention that during the day, he just looked like a zombie. There was also this guy who was a bit too much paranoid,…” she said. The current one, well, is a bit aggressive, and doesn’t talk to people in general.  People don’t want to talk to him either, because he’s a bit scary.All of her relationships started the same way: on its wheels.

P., 36, had also her lot of bad relationships that started on its wheels too, until she met her husband. “It didn’t started the same way than with my ex’s. He wouldn’t promise me the moon or something like that. He’s just there when I need him. He doesn’t make a fuss about anything, knows how to please me, and confronts me when I don’t agree with him. He’s not a coward. That’s a huge change” she said. “When I met him, I thought it wouldn’t work because he wasn’t that special. But it turns out he was the right one”she added.

L., 40, met also a great guy, but blew it away when she cheated on him with a guy we couldn’t exactly  call a prince charming.”He was a rebel without a cause, but I fell in love with him despite being in a relationship with the most adorable man on earth. I don’t know why I did this. This is so stupid” she said.

One of my friends say it’s important to list the things we expect in a man/woman in advance, and stick to it. Maybe she’s right.

So, have you ever experienced a bad romance?