Uncategorized

Instalove

Is it possible to fall in love with one of your followers on Instragram? Yes. The most popular example is Ricky Martin, who fell in love with a painter who follows him on Instragram. He followed him back and started to like each other posts. But it can also happen between people who aren’t popular. Recently, one of my friends told me her cousin is currently in a relationship with an actor she met on Instagram. My friend was appalled when she told me that. “They met each other one year ago on that social media. He started to follow her on Instagram and she followed him back. My cousin is very active on that app. She posts a lot of her pictures where she poses as if she was a famous model. But she isn’t one. She never made it on a runway or in a magazine. Yet, she manages to collect followers, because her pictures are very professional. And she travels a lot. It helps her to have something to post. That’s how she managed to catch her significant other ‘s attention ” my friend says.

“But so far, they have only met in real life once, during one month. She traveled to his country to meet him. Because they don’t live in the same country. Since then, they have posted pictures together, and she has gained a lot of new followers because her man is quite known in his country. He plays one important role in a soap opera very popular there” she adds.

In other words, my friend ‘s cousin is currently in a long distance relationship. Instagram was just a way to meet her significant other. My friend isn’t optimistic for her relationship. “My cousin did long studies and earn a high position in her company. I can’t see her quit her life to be with him. And I don’t see him quitting his acting profession to come her and stand next to her” she says. But maybe they will find a solution.

That’s the problem with Instagram. It connects people globally.

Yet, on Tinder, I notices some profiles linked to their Instagram account. I don’t know if this is helpful to have a date. Usually, men post insignificant pictures on Instagram and they are not very active. It’s difficult to stand out, unless you’re an artist.

So, it’s very particular to find your significant other on Instagram.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

In love with your male friend

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Friendship between opposite sex is often difficult, because of the sexual tension. Even if you’re both gay, it’s complicated. One of my female friends, who is lesbian, told me she’s attracted to one of her male friends, who is gay. There’s always a grey line. My friend even flirts with him in front of her significant other and his other one during parties. Usually, it turns into a fight with her significant other who is jealous. And it’s worse when my friend is drunk.  When she drinks to much, and her male friend too, they can’t help to touch each other. Her significant other is so pissed she starts to cry and leave. My friend is often sorry for that, and apologizes all of the time. Her male friend has also difficulties to keep any relationship because of her.

I asks her if she would consider dating her male friend. But my friend replies she can’t because he’s not interested. “I just feel he doesn’t love me like I do” she told me. She never told him she loves him. Because she also loves her significant, and doesn’t want to lose her.

It’s possible to fall in love with two different people, but not at the same time. My friend met her significant other at her gym class seven years ago, while she met her male friend two years ago, in a bar. He was the bartender.

But how do you know you’re in love with your male friend? Usually, if you can’t help talking about him/her to your friends, family, etc, it’s a good indication. If you feel jealous when your male friend likes pictures of other women, or talk to other women, it’s also a sign. But the opposite can also be true, because your male friend can also feel in love with you. A good sign is his jealousy, especially when you date other men. He won’t find any of your dates worth for you.

And the feeling doesn’t disappear if you have an other significant other.

 

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broken heart, life, love, thoughts, women

The fragile seven years

Every couple is fragile during their first years together. The first seven years, if you can reach that stage, are the most fragile. Especially if you have children with your significant other. Or just one child. A child doesn’t cement your relationship. When you have a baby, your center of attention changes. All circle around your newborn. You don’ t sleep well because of your newborn, and you can stress about your little one because it’s a new experience and you can fear to do not well.  You can feel tired because of lack of sleep. And very irritable because of that.

On top of that, you can feel isolated from your significant other.  Because when we fall in love, we don’t focus on the little things unpleasant our significant other does. Worse, we can fall in love with someone who are just like the parent we have the most difficulties.  One of my friends fell in love with a woman who was terrorizing him, like his father did with him. She was mean with him. He even fell unconscious after a fight with her. All of his friends hated her. They told him he should leave her. But she left him after four years together for another man. And he still resented her.

Why  do we do that? Because we look for something familiar. But it’s ill-fated. Because we try to save our partner, to change him/her, in hope for a better future.  People don’t change much. If you can’t handle his/her defaults, you can grow tired of your significant other. 

I was touched by this post posted on the blog Broadside. She said her significant other is her rock. If you can’t say that about your significant other, maybe it’s time to question your relationship.  A rock is “someone you can turn to who’s as firm and solid as a boulder, something steady and calm to lean against and take shelter behind, a fixed point you know will be there the next day and the next and the next, no matter what happens” writes the author on her blog. In other words, your significant other should be your best friend. Not someone you can’t rely on.

A child is a blessing, but also a big challenge. It’s best if you can count on your significant other to care for your little one. Unfortunately, some men are scared by parenthood and find the easy way out. They spend more time at work, or take a mistress, or start a new passion, … anything that would make them unavailable.  By pulling out like that, chances are their significant other will grow apart from them.

So yes, we can choose the wrong person. And even marry that person. We all fail, from time to time. The long run will tell you if your significant other is your rock. The test of time is maybe the only way to know if you found the right person. That’s why the first seven years are important. Even if one of my friends took 11 years to realize her husband was the not the right one. And even me.

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All my friends are falling in love

“All my friends are falling in love”, the new song from the Vaccines, popped on my Facebook wall this morning, with  a little video composed of various pictures from couples.

Facebook, Instagram, … are often criticized for their influence on our mood. People can  feel depressed by looking at the pictures of other people who seem to have a better life than we. So we can feel belittled if our “friends” on Facebook seem to are happy while it’s not the case for us.

But people select the pictures they post on social media. Even if they are depressed, or mourning the lost of a love one. Social medias don’t reflect our real emotions. That’s why you will only see happy pictures of your “friends” on Facebook and Instagram.

For couples, it’s the same. Especially when we fall in love. When we are in love, we just want to scream the love we have for our significant other. It’s tempting to post our pictures with our love one, kissing or hugging each other on social medias.  Even when we’re older, the temptation doesn’t fade away.

Is it difficult to only live the moment? After all, the feeling of falling in love is intense, in the first months of every relationship. It’s a phase when we can’t have enough of our love one, and want to be next to his/her every time. It’s called fusion. But it doesn’t last very long.

Yet, it’s precious. That’s why it’s so tempting to take pictures of our fragile love. We also are tempted to capture every short-lived moment. Especially if those moments bring joy. I do take pictures with my friends when I’m happy spending time with them. Sometimes, I post those pictures, to thank them for that moment.

But I remind I didn’t post any picture of my loved one on Facebook when we were in love and when Facebook was already running.

Is posting our love on social medias the new sign to say we’re off the market? Before, to hold the hand in public was the sign to say we’re off the market.

Besides, it’s also practical to introducing to our family and friends the one you love, even I would prefer if my friends and family introducing to me their new love one face to face.

It’s also a way to have revenge on our ex who let us down for somebody else. Even if it’s not a good idea.

So, do you post pictures of your couple on social media?

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The algorithm of love?

eHarmony, a dating site, just announced in Lisbon today during Websummit 2018, that thanks to artificial intelligence, it could support people to ask for date after a online conversation.  “There are many conversations on our site, but there are few dates in general ” said eHarmony CEO during the conference.

Loveflutter, an british dating app, plans to analyze conversations on their app to find if two people are compatible. It want to send a message to the two chatters to suggest a date “because it reduces the pressure to ask for a date” said Loveflutter CEO.

Sean Rad, Tinder founder, predicts that Siri, the vocal assistant on your iPhone, could serve as an go-between.

But would you follow your phone if Siri or another artificial “intelligence” suggest you to date the person you are messaging?

I’m not very convinced. How can an artificial intelligence judge if you are compatible with your messenger?

I have plenty of experiences on Tinder where I started to chat with a guy who seemed to have some common points with me, only to lose them in the sea of algorithms on Tinder.

There are many reasons why some people just vanish after some conversations on dating sites. The number one is, like my friend said, the coldness of internet. “I don’t feel any spark with any guy I met online” she told me. She prefers to flirt with men in real life, even if it’s very difficult. “Usually, I’m very disappointed by the guy when I met him in real life after a chat with him on a dating app” she said.

The second reason is the many choices dating sites and app offer you. Why bet on only person when there are so plenty fish in the sea?  This perspective, to have always someone to find on internet, has done a true damage to relationships, says sociologists like Eva Illouz.

The third reason is just because people can’t forget their ex. Or are just depressed. They prefer to have distance with people they meet, even online.

Besides, an algorithm has flaws. Cathy o’Neil, a mathematician, said in her last book  that in the age of algorithms, it should lead to fairness, but the opposite is true and lead to discrimination.

So, would you trust an algorithm? It’s like asking “are you satisfied by your Google Search”? or “the people you may know” on Facebook. Usually, you are never satisfied by your first answer…

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Opting out

In the #metoo area, are women all equal with men? Not that much. Women still earn less than men. One explanation is a trend to work part time. When you work less, you earn less. Many of my female friends choose to sacrifice their professional time to care for their young children. As they earn less than their husband, they accept to sacrifice a bit of their professional time. Their husband, on other hand, receive promotions, bonus, … In other words, they climb the social ladder, while my friends can’t expect that much with their sacrifice.

Another explanation is the wrong advice to do what you love. Most of the time, the things you love to do are barely financial profitable. I don’t earn anything from my blog, even if I love to write on it. Unfortunately, on social networks, like Facebook, I see many of my friends, mostly women, posting philosophical sentences like that on their wall. As if that goal was the golden rule. Failures are at high risk if you want to do what you love.

But there are also women who choose to opt out. Recently, I went to a conference where two startups CEO chatted about their wife. One of them said his wife is also an entrepreneur and have her own company. The other one said his wife choose to opt out because of their five children. “It was impossible for us if both of us were working to care for the children. When my wife was pregnant with our fifth child, we decided it was best for us if she stopped working” he said. The other CEO looked at him horrified. He said they don’t plan to have any child yet, because his wife and him were still too young. He added he didn’t want his wife to sacrifice her career.

I’m not really worried for the wife with five children, as she comes from a wealthy family. She didn’t have to work anyway. But for women who are not that wealthy, the choice to opt out is a terrible decision for their career and financial situation.

Unfortunately, their marriage can end with a divorce. And they can be financial fragile after a divorce. Their children will also grow up and leave the house. When you spend your time away from any social activity because of your kid, it can be difficult to end up alone when your kid leave the house.

Beside, when you have a daughter, what kind of model you want to teach her? To be financial independent? Or to marry a rich guy?  I can’t imagine a situation where you say to your daughter you want her to be financial independent while you are just married to a wealthy guy?

In our modern society, it’s also riskier to expect to stay in a long term relationship. We break easily. Is it because we are disillusioned and fall for anything glittering?

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Status

A while ago, I went to a date where the guy asked me if I was a chief in my company. I was shocked by his question because I thought he will reject me if I answered a negative sentence. But I told him the truth. And he never contacted me after our date. During our date, he also told me he collects art, and attends every art fair in my country. He mentioned one I often attend but never buy anything there because it’s too expensive for me. But he said he buys there one or two paintings every year.

I guess he was looking for a rich woman who leads a company. I’m not like that.

So, men have a precise idea of the woman who will share their existence. It depends on their values. On Tinder, I saw one guy who said in his profile he doesn’t want tattooed women. And who are not the queen of parties.

One of my friends always complains to me women are not attracted to him because he’s just a computer programmer. He says women are attracted by MD or architects. In fact, I only met once a woman who was looking for a MD. Most of my female friends are married either to their high school sweetheart or to someone they met regularly at the gym, at work, or during their hobbies. None of their husband is a MD nor an architect. In fact, architects marry architects and MD marry MD. Most of the time. Birds of a feather always fly together.

But my friend is also very picky with women he met.

I think we all look for someone who is compatible with us. That means someone who shares some common points and values with us. It could be the love of bicycles, bikes, money, loyalty, kindness, cinema, dance, …

Unfortunately, there are also people who are not with the best intentions. Narcissistic people will look for a victim. Greedy and shallow people will look for rich people to have a golden existence, even if they’re not rich. There are crooks in love.

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