Good at resolving conflicts

Quarreling is inevitable in a long term relationship. We can be upset by something our significant other did. It can even happen with our friends, and our coworkers, as we spend a lot of time at work.

The degree of arguments can vary. We can argue over our finance, the children, or simply because we feel rejected in our relationship with our significant other. There are many reasons why we can quarrel. But the way we resolve those quarrels can be a good indicator of the strength  of our relationship.

“My parents used to shout at each other, accusing each other of their supposed fault, and after a little silence, they used to offer each other a gift in sign of their peace. But it was a bad strategy, because they divorced when I was 15″ says one of my friends. “My father was mad at my mother for being too spendthrift, while my mother was mad at him for always forgetting events, including her birthday” she added. “But they never managed to get over their bitterness for each other, despite the artificial patch that are the gifts“.

Unfortunately for us, our parents are a guide, good or not, for our own fights with our significant other. Fortunately, we are not alone in the quarrels with our partner, as it takes two to tango.

If your partner is mature enough, resolving conflicts can be easier over time. The first times can be difficult because you have to adjust to your new significant other. But over time, we can even predict why our partner is upset. And try to avoid this. For conflicts, they know what to say, with kindness for each other,  thanks to their experience.

Anger is not always a good advice when we quarrel with our partner, or with our friend. Some people decide to take some hours after being upset, even days,  before trying to resolve their conflict with other people.

But there are special cases. “I lost one of my friends just like that. She refused to talk to me without telling me why. She cut all her contacts with me, and refuse to answer my calls. I even went to her house several times, but she never replied. I should have known she would be doing that with me, as she cut contact with her parents, then with her husband, and another friend of her” one my friends says.

“My ex used to disappear every time I was mad at him. I guess he hoped  I would forget about why I was mad at him after some time away” another friend of mine says.

According to the psychologist John Gottman, the way you resolve conflicts with your significant other can predict if your relationship can last. It also depends on how you care for your partner, and how he/she cares for you.

Ghosting, the break up 2.0

Breaking up in the era of dating app has never been so simple. You simply avoid to answer any message anymore to your date if you were disappointed or if you have a better option. It’s called ghosting. But it’s acceptable if your relationship is not very far with your date, especially after just one date.

In 2014, the Huffington Post did a survey among 1000 people, and 11% of them answered they ghosted their ex. 13% of them said they were ghosted. If you had a lot of dates thanks to Tinder, Happn, match.com, … it may be an explanation to this. I’ve done it myself after many dates disappointing and I also have been ghosted by some of the guys I met through dating sites. It’s not a big deal, because you know it’s not the end of the world. Your life doesn’t change that much after a date which was disappointing.

But if your relationship lasted over one date, ghosting is not so acceptable anymore. But it depends. Ghosting is not answering your messages anymore, but it can happen that for a reason, you don’t answer your messages for some days.  The most obvious example is if you’re hospitalized after an accident or if you’re stuck in an area where the connection is very bad. And there are special cases. “One of my ex’s used to disappear for weeks where he would never answer back my messages and calls. But he always came back until I was fed up with his behavior” one of my friends told me.

What if your long term partner doesn’t answer his/her messages anymore, and plays dead?

A friend of mine said her husband suddenly disappeared. But she called everyone in his circle to know where he was. His parents didn’t know, some of his friends either. But after three days, one of his friends called her to say her husband was at his place. So she cornered him to have an explanation. “His friend didn’t say I was coming. And he let us alone to have an explanation. Yes, he was trapped. But at least, we got a proper break up” she said.

Unless you disappear in a place where none of your friends and family know, on a island with no population, it’s difficult to escape your partner. So, ghosting has a limit.

If you’re in a long term relationship, you probably know all of his friends and family. If not, then, he/she may be lying to you. Your common circle can prevent you to get ghosted by your significant other.

Yes, you can be ghosted. But it’s also your fault if you let your significant other go away without any explanation.

This says it all if you let things end like that after a long term relationship.

But I don’t say if you’re threatened or if you fear your partner you should have an explanation with him/her about your will to call it quits. A letter, an SMS, something distant, may be enough, for your own safety.

Leaving isn’t easy

It takes courage to leave a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. Yet, for some reasons, some people don’t find the courage or the strength to call it quits with their partner. Men are usually more coward than women when it comes to end a long term relationship. And generally, they will find the easy way out, by cheating on their partner, in the hope, admitted or not, that their partner will find out about the other woman, and decide to break up.

A friend of mine left obvious evidences of his infidelity to his ex-wife. He left the bills of the holidays he took with his mistress at home. His ex-wife found the bills, and asked for a divorce.  He told me he wanted to leave his marriage. But he never told his ex-wife about his intentions. Even if he didn’t touch her anymore before his ex-wife discovered his affair, he still lived with her. She was the one who asked him to leave the house.

But there are couples who are over with each other, but don’t leave the relationship. We can find them in weddings, dinners,… They are the ones who are not with each  other anymore, but who are still invited as a couple, as people don’t know what are their actual relationship status. They still invite people at their house, where they receive their guests together.

This happens because none of the partners accept the separation. Or because one of the partners feels guilty of leaving the other one, because he/she’s sick, vulnerable, moneyless,… Some also fear to leave the comfort (financially speaking) of their relationship. It’s not easy to ask for a divorce if you live on your spouse’s financial means.

Nostalgia also plays an important part of the difficulty to leave your partner. My cousin had a hard time to leave her ex-husband who got into drugs and alcohol after he was recovering from a broken ankle. Because he was put away of his job, he began to drink and test drugs. But before, he was just a great husband with my cousin, offering her a lavish life. She had very good times with him, until he changed because of his nasty habits. After many ultimatums, my cousin had not choice but to leave, as she feared for her safety. But she told me it was heartbreaking for her, because she hoped he would get back to his old self.

Some people also fear to leave because their partner is violent and threatens to kill them if they leave. In France, there was recent case where a woman was granted liberty after killing her abusive husband. The court accepted her version as an act of defense. Unfortunately, when you have an abusive partner partner, the best option is to disappear from their life. But it’s not easy. Fortunately, in my country, there are some associations helping women who have been abused.

In any case, if you feel unhappy, or if your fear for your safety, leaving is necessary. Just listen to your guts. It’s the best guide.

The ex who’s still in your life

Recently, a guy I had a crush on when I was 13 sent me a message through Facebook saying he is single and had a crush on me when we were younger. He asked me if we could see each other again. But I’m not thrilled at all. Back then, I was so shy and had little experience with love, I only followed him like a lost puppy everywhere and did his homeworks because he asked me to do so. Of course, it didn’t lead anywhere. And shortly after, my parents decided I needed to change school, so I changed my school without ever seeing him back again.

He’s now the single father of two kids, working for a rehab center. He asked me to be friends on Facebook at the beginning of the year and introduced himself wondering if I remembered him. Of course, I remember him, and I remember the idiot I was back then. But though he’s still handsome, I have no common points with him anymore. He probably thought about me because I have appeared on TV several times last year. He said he watched every show where I appeared.

Is it something common to call back your flirt or your ex when you’re single and feel alone? Some of my friends agree. They say some of their ex’s are the first person they call when they feel alone, instead of going on a dating site or app to meet random strangers.

One of my ex’s, who has become a friend over the years, always comes back to me when it’s over with his partner. He recently left his four year relationship. But before it ended, he asked several times if he could come at my place. And I accepted. But he’s the only one I allow to do so.

Another one has tried to come back into my life, several times. But I didn’t let him do so. In fact, it’s complicated between he and I. I accepted to have a dinner several times with him, but at the end of the evening, I only wanted to run away because he tried to get back with me. Since then, he left me some messages on Facebook, but I never replied. He still acts like a jealous boyfriend with me, although we’re not together. He still watches me through Facebook.

A friend of mine told me she’s still friends with his ex, the one she got engaged to, but never married because she discovered he was cheating on her. “It took us a long long time to be friends. I accepted to see him again seven years ago, when he was in a relationship, and so was I. Both of our relationships ended shortly after. But I didn’t get back with him, because I know he’s not the one for me. Yet, I know I can count on him” she says. Yet, since she’s in her new relationship, her ex has moved to Thailand, and she has barely seen him. The last times she threw a party at her house, I didn’t see him around. And she doesn’t speak about him anymore.

What happens when you’re still in a “friends with or without benefits” zone with your ex, and you get into a new relationship?

Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t had any serious relationship since I broke up with my ex’s. No man has really replaced him. Yet, he and I are not back together either.

I also don’t know if I could be cool with a new guy who still sees his ex.

As for my friends,  some of them told me they were still seeing their ex at the beginning of their new relationship, but stopped because their partner got jealous, or because the ex  found someone else. I guess it depends on how the relationship develops over time.

No sex… the end of a relationship?

Some couples do experience periods of no sex. Because one of the partners is sick or hospitalized, sexual intercourses become impossible for them. It’s only temporary, and once the ill one is healed, it’s back to normal. It depends of course on how the illness affected the partner. If it’s a serious disease, it’s difficult to get back to normal.

People who suffer from depression are also not interested in sex anymore. But with the help of a therapy and/or medicines, they can get their mojo back.

But what if there is no sex anymore between two people who are not sick? A friend of mine told me he didn’t touch his ex-wife for almost two years before they ended up divorcing. “I had a burn out two years ago, and after I recovered, I didn’t want to touch her again” he said. “She put on weight over the last two years, and she didn’t take good care of herself. She was always complaining about her fragile health, but never took herself in charge. After my burn out, I saw her in a different light. And I didn’t fancy her anymore” he said.

My friend didn’t lose its sexual appetite. After his divorce, he called his old friends with benefits. Some of them accepted to be his friends with benefits again. And he said he had no problem touching them.

Another friend of mine thought her man was depressed because he didn’t touch her anymore. But she discovered recently he had a lover, and this was the reason why they didn’t have sex anymore.

Another one didn’t touch his wife for one year because his mariage was falling apart.  He avoided to be in the same room than her for almost two years, before he decided to call it quits. He didn’t have a mistress during this period, he just wanted to be alone, without his wife. So he spent a lot of time with his friends, his family, and stopped going on holidays with his wife. “I thought we could pass this bitterness, but I gave up” he said. He was mad at his wife because she had a reckless behavior. “She drank too much, even took drugs, and I had sometimes to fetch her at her friends’ place because she was unable to drive anymore. She crashed her car several times because of her problem with alcohol” he said. “I had enough to feel as if I was her father. It was maybe the reason why I didn’t touch her anymore” he added.

When you don’t feel any attraction to your significant other anymore, and especially, if there is no good medical reason for it, maybe it’s the sign the relationship has reached its end.

Unfortunately, we can be resentful towards our significant other. And this feeling can last, and put distance, physical distance with our partner.