Old myths never die

I was talking this morning with my fellow students of the finance lessons I’ve taken, and during the conversation, one of the students said that in her bank, they generally hire young graduates from business schools for their asset management department. They do that so they can send them to follow the CFA training program (for those of you who aren’t familiar with this, it’s a training program for  financial analysts and it takes three years to complete it) . My fellow student said that they can afford to spend 5 hours a week studying for this very difficult training, because they are still young and for most of them single. She added that this year, her bank hired three female graduates from the most reknown business school in my country. And another of my classmates just joked and said that these women must be terribly ugly to be single at that age. The three women (including me) present in the conversation didn’t reply, but I could read the offense on the other women’s face.

So this is it. You cannot be beautiful and smart at the same time. My classmate probably thinks that, since those new recruited young lady graduated from the most prestigious business school of my country, they have to be ugly. Well, in fact, I know one of them, and I can tell she’s really beautiful. She told me, when she started to work for that bank, that she was glad she had her diploma and an excellent resume. Because when she entered the room for her job interview, the other people who were sitting in the waiting room looked at her, and one even asked her if she came for the secretary job offer. “When people in the professional world don’t know me, they presume I’m not an analyst, but the secretary. I don’t get offended by that. In fact, I find it funny to see their face when I’m about to do the presentation in a conference” she says.

I do believe it can be funny. I also like to create the surprise, or even panic, with the people I’m interviewing. But I also believe it’s tiring, because it’s a constant battle.

I was reading once an article in Businessweek where it said that among the highly graduated women, those who had an MBA were the most likely to quit they job when they have children. The article explained this by the fact they married an ambitious man who wants them to look after the kids while he’s busy getting his upheaval. And for the woman, the reason is because she can’t adjust her professional schedule for her kids like a lawyer or an MD can.  I still doubt that a female lawyer can adjust her schedule like that. One of my friends was a lawyer, and she had no choice but to opt out when she had her baby because she felt that, at her job, people weren’t so keen to deal with her absences for baby time. Her employer told her that she cannot do this anymore because it made her colleagues (especially the male ones, btw) jealous.

So, for the women reading this, do you think that we still have a long way to go before the end of the stereotypes against us? And for the men reading this, do you really think that a woman can’t be smart and beautiful at the same time?

My angel

One of my friends recently told me about her strange relationship with a friend of her. She said that she has the feeling he’s constantly worrying for her like her father would do. “Since I know him, he has always acted like a protective friend with me. He comes to my defense whenever in a discussion, someone would criticize me. He gives me precious advices and doesn’t hesitate to tell me the truth about myself. He’s a great support, he has always backed me for all the projects I’ve made. But recently, I have this impression he’s taking his distance with me, and I hate that. It’s been two months now that we don’t laugh together, that we don’t share anything less and don’t talk about nothing and everything. The rare and few phone conversations we have now remain polite, but short, and he just calls to ask how I am. Period.  I don’t know what I’ve done badly to repel him like that” she says. “He has even forgotten my birthday this week” .

I told her that he may be in love with her, but realized he could never have her (she’s married, he’s too). That’s why he’s taking his distance from her.

Is it possible to have an angel who’s looking after us and who feels love with no strings attached for us? Personally, I think it depends. Real friends can do that. They will support you in good and bad times. They will love you for who you are. They will give you a hand when you need it. But it stops there. They can be your angels. When they give you more than that, maybe there’s catch.

A friend or person who’s over zealous with you might try to get loved by you. In my friend’s case, her friend has acted with her like her lover, not a friend.

I believe there’s a really thin line between friendship and love.

Do you agree?

Keep you for myself

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend of mine about the support we can get from our partner. She told me she wished her companion was more supportive with her, because she has the impression he’s not backing her in every decision she might take.  “I have started to study again since the beginning of September, because I needed that for progressing in my job. This means that I have to come back later in the evening, and sacrifice a little bit of my weekends. My studies are really hard, and I don’t know if I’m able to succeed  at the end of the year. And instead of supporting me, he just complained he doesn’t see me anymore. I wish he told me that I can do it, but I know he will be there if I fail, like he did in the past. He has always been the shoulder I could cry on  on the other hand” she says. “We’ve been together for seven years. He was there when my mother passed away. He was there when I got fired, and took charge of the bills the three months I got unemployed. In fact, he’s always there when I’m down, but when I succeed in something, I feel there’s nobody” she added.

I replied to her that she needs to talk about this with her man, and that I think her man might be a little possessive or jealous of her. She seemed surprised when I said that, but I told her I’m convince there can be competition within a couple. I just hope for her she can sort this problem with her man.

Some people pick their partner because they think they can save them, even dominate them. They will choose someone who’s insecure, with a low self-esteem, who will be grateful for their help and love them for that. They will be happy when you fail, because they can comfort you. But when you encounter some success in your life, they will think you’re evolving away from them. “I met O. when I just failed my freshman year at University, and I was happy at that time he was there to support me. But his support only prevailed when I was down. Later, I had the opportunity to work at a prestigious magazine, and instead of congratulating me, he just complained he won’t see me that much because I have to work from day to night without counting the hours. He pushed me to have children, at the beginning of my career, while I wasn’t sure I wanted that because it could ruin everything. He thought I would slow down and quit my job to raise our kids. I refused. He began to criticize everything I did. Nothing  I did was good enough for him. I told him that if I wasn’t good enough for him, he’d better find someone who suits him best. We got trapped into a downward spiral, until i decided I had to leave. The break up was difficult, because he didn’t want to call it quits, and begged me to take him back” H., 35, said.

In a healthy relationship, I believe you should support your partner when he/she succeeds in something, whatever he/she does, and support him when he/she fails at something. This should be mutual.

Do you agree with that?

Keep your distance

In the dating game, some of us find it really hard to keep a partner or even to catch one because we make it hard to let people getting closer to us. In Sex and the City, Miranda Hobbes personifies the best this example. I must admit I do recognize myself in her, because it’s not easy to get into my inner circle. But once people are in it, I feel very close to them. One of my friends also obeys to this logic, and she told me once that this is poisoning her love life. I understand her, because this also poisons my social life.

People who keep on pushing back the others do this because they’re afraid to be disappointed. Yet, this logic can be a real torture because this is how you can end up alone. Our past experiences weigh a lot in our fear of getting rejected (our reluctance to let the other getting closer is all about that, in fact). When you give your trust to someone, you expect him/her to give it back to you. It’s silly, it’s insecure, but most of us follow this principle. In theory, we should give love and expect nothing back. This is called altruism. But if you can do that, you’re a saint (or you’ve never been disappointed by people in your life).

When you were hurt in the past, you tend to be more cautious with your feelings. I had a really bad experience when I was in College, when two of my closest friends betrayed me when I needed them the most (I got dumped, another friend of mine died in a horrible car accident, and another one committed suicide), and since then, I’ve doubt about people’s genuine feelings about me all the time. I consider  the ones who manage to pass through my difficult personality as real reliable friends, and so far, very few people have managed to do so.

By choosing this behavior, you can also have tremendous regret. I wish I wasn’t so distant with B., because now we don’t speak to each other, and this makes me really sad. On the other hand, I was never sure B. was genuinely kind with me. And I tell to myself that if there’s a wall between us, there must be a good explanation for that: B. can’t really be my friend.

So, are you easy to get close to? Or are you like me, difficult to approach?

Turning 30

I’m about to start intensive courses in finance for the next six months, so I won’t be quite regular on this blog during that period. I will try to post as much as possible, but I don’t know how things will turn out.

Today is also my birthday, and for a reason, I feel a little bit sad because I’m 30 now. I don’t know if I’m sad because I left the twenty-something world, or if I am because one of my friends, who nearly sold some drama last month because I was about to forget his birthday, completely forgot about mine today. Mister has just released his new book, so he must be busy too much not to care about me. Selfish man…

Some of my friends hated when they turned 30. They all said they had the feeling they were adult now and they should act like real ones. Some of them decided which path they would follow at that age. One eventually admitted his homosexuality and made his coming out to all of us. Another ended her ten years relationship with her man because she realized he wasn’t the one and that she couldn’t lie to herself anymore. I realized I was in a turning point in my career and that I needed some upgrades.

So, did you feel something when you turned 30?

 

 

 

What’s sex got to with it?

In one episode of Sex and The City, Carrie Bradshaw experienced mind-blowing sex with a jazzman she’s not in love with and who’s affected by ADHD. This left me a little bit puzzled, because I wonder how it is possible to have an orgasm with someone presenting this kind of neurological disease. One of my former editors is affected by this syndrom, and frankly, I cannot imagine him staying focused in the bedroom judging by how he’s acting in the every day life. A colleague of mine once met his wife, and he told me she looked like she hasn’t been properly fucked for a long time. “You should see her, you would agree with me. She never smiles. She looks mad at him all the time. They don’t seem to get along very well, because he can’t remain focused on her” he told me.

I don’t want to judge them, though. Maybe he’s a great lover, but he hides it very well. I’m not curious enough for wanting to investigate deeper on this topic (besides, my crush-o-meter for him is hitting the bottom, so it will be difficult).

Reaching a mind blowing orgasm isn’t that easy. According to a study from the  University of Groningen, in the Netherlands, when women have an orgasm, they have deactivation of large portions of their brains, especially the fears centers. It means that to reach an orgasm, we need to ensure that fear and stress don’t get in our way.

This is why some women can’t have an orgasm outside a comforting and long-lasting relationship, because they need to feel confident. “I can never have an orgasm with a one-night stand” says one of my friends. This is also why some women only reach mind-blowing sex after they’re married. “Now that I’m married, I feel freed from my fears of abandonment and I must say I do enjoy sex better now because of the comfort of marriage” H., said.

Sometimes, our emotions can take the best out of us, and erase our fear and stress during the sexual intercourse. This can happen because you’re overwhelmed by your feelings. It can be love, but also rage and anger. “I slept with a man I absolutely hated after we had a huge fight. I felt so inhibited during the act that I reached an orgasm I’ve never experienced before” I., 30, said. This can also happen because of the choice of our partner. “He wasn’t my type at all. But the way he looked at me just filled me with desire. He also told me I was the most beautiful and desirable woman he ever met, and this really turned me on” P., 31, said.

So, this means that we need to stimulate our brain before having sex. But I have still no explanation for the ADHD guy/ good lover.

This can be tricky. No wonder why 30% of women prefer shoe shopping…

So, what’s your trigger for a mind-blowing orgasm?

A whole lotta love

Among the various criteria we require from our partners, there’s one that counts more than the others, apart from love: the acceptance of our entourage.  Whether we like it or not, we’re not alone in our existence. Our life is fully intertwined with our family and friends. Partners can come and go throughout our existence. Members of our family and our real friends will stay for the long run.

I know a lot of people who rely on their friends and family’s advice on their love life. It’s not like if they ask them to find the one. But they need their approval for their choice. When you think about it, it’s not a bad idea. Who knows you best than your family and friends? When we fall in love, we often yield to the irrational of limerence. We’re not really ourselves in the first months of a relationship because of that, and we can sometimes make the mistake of choosing a partner who has nothing in common with us, or worse, who can really be bad for us. Our friends and/or family can bring us to reality in this case, even if sometimes, we don’t listen to them.

Besides, our friends and family can be a good indicator of how our partner love us. “He didn’t like my parents and my sister. He thought my friends were stupid and insignificant. As a result, my family didn’t like him, my friends neither. But they didn’t tell me so. They believed I had my reasons for choosing him, even if  I knew they didn’t agree with them. Each time we were invited in my family or by my friends, they would act as if he wasn’t there because he didn’t bother to be nice with them. It took me a while to understand he wasn”t for me. When we broke up, my friends and family were relieved I took that decision. I know now that the next one will have to be nice and loved by my entourage, and that they should tell me if there’s something wrong with him instead of not saying anything” G., 35, said.

When you love someone, you accept to embrace the whole aspect of his/personality. This includes friends and family. The things we love to do and the people we love define ourselves. Excluding them from the big picture of love can be a mistake.

Of course, there can be a cold war between us and our family. In that case, if your partner doesn’t get along with them, it’s understandable. But if he/she doesn’t bear your closest friends either, maybe there’s a problem.

The next time you will curse your in-laws, think about this: they’re the ones who raised and brought up the one you love. If they raised him/her properly, they have transmitted him/her a part of their values and their character. If you don’t like them, maybe you don’t like your partner so much.

So, would you tell your friend about his/her bad choice if he/she picked the wrong partner? And do you think it’s important our family and friends mind about our love life?

Google me

Have you ever tried to google your name, just for fun or curiosity? And have your ever googled your lovers (past, present and future)? As a journalist, I get a lot of mentions on this search engine because of the articles I write, and it’s easy to find me. Some of my friends, who evolve in the world of media too, get a lot of links too. It’s a little bit posh saying that. One of my friends says that if you’re on Google, then you’re someone.

It’s easy to get links to Google, however. If you have one or several blogs and don’t use a pseudo (like most of us do), you’ll be linked too. If you’re on Facebook, LinkedIn, Myspace,… ditto.

So, for people looking for us, it’s now easy to get informations about us. Sometimes embarrassing. If you had a shady past (like for example, you were an escort boy/girl/ stripper) and had some publicity done about it, you won’t necessarily feel proud of that. If you didn’t tell your partner about this little details and he/she’s a little bit google-curious, he/she won’t be thrilled to find out about this.

Then, sometimes, some indelicate members of our entourage can publish embarrassing informations about us, on forums for example. When I was a banker, I had this client who discovered her husband cheated on her many times thanks to a forum where female students were discussing about their professor who used to make indecent proposals to them.

Internet can vehiculate inaccurate informations. Remember that if some bloggers check their informations like a good journalist would do, others don’t. Even Wikipedia can’t be as reliable as we think.  

So, have you ever tried to search for people on Google?

 

Father figure

 
When you date an older person, and in particular, when you’re a woman dating an man of let’s say, 15 to 20 years older, you can face a generation gap kind of problem, but also a kind of paternalist pattern for your relationship. Some men don’t necessarily act as a father for the woman they’re dating, but with the age gap, the temptation to father their partner is likely to be high.

Having a father figure for partner leaves you with some inconvenients. If you’re not the type of women who accept easily guidance for what you do, this can lead to some clashes. It depends on your character: if you’re a leader, a paternalist partner might get on your nerves. If you’re a follower, he can be the guiding light of your life. By choosing that kind of partner, you expose yourself to punishments if you don’t behave like he wanted.

I always thought that an independent  and strong woman could never fall in love with a paternalist man and stay with him on the long run. But one of my friends, who clearly falls into that category of independent women, proved me wrong. She has always managed to run her career on her own, and never relies on anyone. Yet, she loves a man who’s very protective and always gives her advices on what she does. And she follows those.  She told me that it took her some times to accept his advices though, because so far, she has never accepted to be guided. “But you cannot imagine how good it is to rely on someone like him, who knows what he wants and  who’s confident in life. It’s not like if I have completely given up my personality, I’m still responsible for my own act. But I know I can ask him about his opinions, and these are really precious for me. He seems to know what’s right for me. I do admit we can have some arguments from time to time, because we both have strong charachters”  she says. 

Of course, you have to accept to let it go and remove your brakes in such a relationship, otherwise it will never work. And there’s a balance to find. If he decides for everything in your life, it’s not a good and healthy relationship. Remember that he’s older than you, and has a good chance to die before you. If he took charge of everything in your life, you’ll be left completely disoriented when he’s gone. When I was a banker, I had plenty of examples of that type. I remember this woman who was completely lost when her husband, who was 23 years older than her, passed away. She had to learn how to deal with her bank accounts, how to pay her bills, … on her own, at 41.

So, would you accept a father figure for partner? And for the men reading this, do you accept when a woman takes the lead in a relationship? 

What are we fighting for?

Depending on our character, we will end up fighting or not with our partner on several occasions. If we’re the kind of people who avoid any conflict, and our significant other comes from the same breed, quarrels are likely to be rare. But they can come out from time to time extremely violent, because of the tensions kept underneath for long.

Some couples never fight together. However, they can use passive-aggressive behaviours to express their opposition to their partner. One of my friends told me her cousin pretends she never fights with her husband. Yet, when she goes and visit them, she has noticed that when her cousin is pissed at something, she just tries to culpabilize her husband by humiliating him in front of their guests. “This is how they resolve their inner conflicts together. They never shout at each other, I know” my friend said.

Some couples build up their fights. “Our fights always start like this. He blames me for something  I did, I get mad at him for saying that, and little by little, the tension raises between us, until we end up shouting and screaming at each other” R., 34, said.

Some couples start immediately the fight, on whatever occasion. “I’m a passionate person driven by my emotions, and when I don’t like something, I immediately lose my temper. This is my main flaw, I must admit. And it’s very surprising for the partners I had, who don’t get used to it for most of them”Y., 35, admits.

Fights are sometimes necessary to restore the balance in our relationship. They help us to release the tensions we ruminate against each other. We can’t be on the same wavelength than our partner all the time. We all have opinions and views on things that might be totally the opposite of what our partner has got. Hence the tensions and conflicts we can trigger.

Some couples need fights to reignite the passion between themselves. However, if they do fight all the time, this may be a sign that the relationship isn’t working.  There’s always a balance to find, and too much fights is never a good thing. Likewise, no fights at all can be suspicious too.

So, do you try to avoid the fight? And what are you fighting for?