Freedom

Recently, one of my friends told me her disapproval of her friend’s behavior. Her friend, who’s a mother of a 4-year old girl, has been going out a lot since she left the father of her child eight months ago.

Maybe this is her way to get over her broken heart. Even if she’s the one who left the relationship, she can be hurt too. Leaving a long term relationship is never easy. Especially if you have a child. But when we leave, we generally know why.

Obviously, my friend’s friend seems to need the proof she’s still a seducer. Maybe in her relationship, she didn’t feel that way.

This is just a reaction from the breakup. We all react in different ways when it’s over. For instance, one of my friends started to buy plenty of stuffs she didn’t need, as if she needed to fill the void in her love life. Another one spent a lot of money in buying shoes and clothes, until she got reminded that her bank account didn’t follow her shopping frenzy.

This phase doesn’t last.

Afterwards, we realize how great it is to find our freedom again. For some people, freedom is difficult because they don’t know how to benefit from it. Besides, when you’re in a long-term relationship, you can remain affected by your ex even if he’s not here in your life anymore.

“The first time I spent the night with another man, it was so weird. I couldn’t help comparing him to my ex. In the morning, I had a shock when I saw him in my kitchen. He was the first man to go there since my ex left. It took me some time to erase my ex” I., 35, said.  This is especially true if you still live in the place where your ex and you used to live.

The temptation to go back with your ex can be important. But once you realize you’re free, you hesitate twice about returning to your old ways.

“I sacrificed my life just to be with him. I accepted to move to London because he lived there. I didn’t speak english at that time. I was alone in this city, I had no friends there, and I was really far from my family. And he didn’t give me back my sacrifice. He was always working, always away from me. When I got divorced, I had no choice but to go back to my parents. But I also got the opportunity to connect again with my friends and family, who were far from me. Slowly, I recovered from this with their help. I also found a job thanks to them. Now, there’s no way I would want to go back to my old life” H. ,37, said.

Our freedom is precious. We should all remind about this.

Love until death

In August 2003, this actress died in the most horrible way on this earth. She was killed by the man she loved, after a fight. He beat her until she lost consciousness. His lover made another victim. His ex-wife committed suicide in 2010. It is reported she filed a complaint against him for abuse, but she canceled it soon after.

Is there a way to prevent such tragic events? When we fall in love, we’re not acting rational at all. And the first mistake we all make is thinking that we can change the one we love. We can’t change people unless they want to do so. And in general, people who are not good for us are really honest about it right away. But we can choose not to listen to those warning signals.

Look at the DSK case. When he met his actual wife, he told her he was unfaithful. But she replied it was not his problem, but hers. And now, he faces another trial, after the Diallo and the Banon cases.

Another sign to look at is the impact on your life. If you lose a lot, like your career, your family or your friends, this should also raise your concern. These are the cement of your life. You can’t eliminate them because it will only make you vulnerable and dependent on the one you love.

Love isn’t all about sacrifices. It shouldn’t be difficult. Besides, your body can send you signals you’re not in the right relationship.  Don’t ignore these signs. If you feel fear around him, it should raise your concern. The same goes if you are anxious about him.

But it’s hard to admit this.  Because love isn’t rational.

Healing over you

When do we know when we’re over for good from our ex? According to the people around me, we know we’re over when we can confront him/ her and feel nothing in particular. But this is really tough.

And it also depends a lot on how the relationship ended. If the relationship ended on a mutual agreement, it could be easier. But it’s not easy at all.

One of my friends managed to get over her ex. But she told me she needed a lot of time apart from him to realize she was over him for good. “And you should never rule out that because you moved on, you’re not attracted to him anymore” she said. “Once, I went at his place, and he opened the door in his towel. He just got out of the shower. I yelled at him to put some clothes on, because, damned, he’s still hot” she added.

What not to do is to stay in your ex’s life. “Three days after our break up, I called him and told him I missed him a lot and had a hard time getting over him. He told me to come at his place so we could talk. When I arrived, he looked at me, kissed me, and we made love. But when it was over, he told me that he regretted what we had done and that I should take my distance with him. I was devastated” K., 34, said.

En plus, if he left you for someone else, this is certainly not an option. Not only you can be bitter about this, but also, you can validate his choice. Which is even worse.

“He left me for one of his coworkers. I was so pissed that I couldn’t help criticizing openly whenever he came to pick our children. He got so mad at me for doing so that we fought a lot during our divorce procedure and I nearly lost the battle for keeping our kids. Plus, he married his coworker“P., 40, said.

Time heals the wounds. But sometimes, time isn’t enough to dampen the strong bond you had. “I cut all contacts with him after he told me he wanted to end our relationship because I was too young for him. Four months later, I accidentally bumped into him in a meeting. I didn’t want to talk to him. But he pursued me in the hall and asked me if we could have a coffee together. I accepted. He told me he missed me and he realized he made a mistake by leaving me. He asked me to come back. But I didn’t want to get hurt again, so I told him I wasn’t sure at all. The next morning, he was down at my apartment, with a huge bouquet and a sign saying I’m sorry. I decided to take him back” H.,34, said.

And even years later, some former lovers decide to rekindle their relationship. I guess true love goes through the years.

The right choice

Back in July, before my sister got married, I went to the hairdresser where the TV was showing Albert and Charlene de Monaco’s wedding. Everybody in the saloon was laughing because we heard a day before the future bride tried to fly away.

My hairdresser looked at me and asked: “Why did she pick him?”

I replied to her that maybe it was because of the money he has. I was joking of course.

My hairdresser looked back at me and said that she would be a fool if she chose the money over love.

“I had a lover who had a lot of money. He bought me a lot of things, and even asked me to marry him. But I refused” she said. “I wasn’t happy at all with him. Besides, he wanted to move in another town with me. I didn’t want to quit the job I love and all my friends and family” she added.

I asked her if she found a man who makes her happy. And she said yes. “I didn’t have to sacrifice my life for him. He just came into my life and added more happiness to it” she smiled. “But I married late. I was 30 year old when I tied the knot. I do  think that when you’re younger, you don’t necessarily realize what you have and what it’s important to you. You can commit some mistakes” she said.

“But we all make mistakes, at any age. It’s best then to learn from our mistakes” I said.

“You’re right. I guess I wouldn’t have realized how important was my friends, my job and my family if I didn’t make the mistake of going out with my rich guy” she replied.

Yet, even if we’re not twenty-something anymore, we can still ignore what’s important in our life.

A friend of mine can’t realize this at this moment. She entirely depends on her man for her own happiness. But this equilibrium is fragile.

So, what’s important in your life?