I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight

When it comes to sex, there are always do’s and don’t s. Our clumsiness can ruin completely the momentum in which we’re into. But let’s face it, nobody’ s perfect, and we all make mistakes, even in the bedroom. The first sexual encounters are the more risky because this is how you can completely ruin the future relationship/affair you’re about to experience. How come? Well, it depends a lot on our partner.

Some will hate when you dress like a slut/domina/too provocative on the first night. One of my friends had made the mistake to try a strip tease to her new lover and got completely wrong about it. The guy was simply scared, and didn’t want to see her again afterward.

We can’t also force our partner to do something he/she doesn’t want to do. Especially on the first nights spent together. “He invited his mate to join us in bed by texting him while we were having the preliminary. I didn’t ask for it, and I felt offended he didn’t ask for my permission before. I also would have liked to pick the guy before. So, I immediately ran away” O., 32, said.  One of my friends, who’s a psychologist, is worried about the evolution of sex among teenagers. She says girls would accept everything in bed because they have read somewhere that they need to give it all to their partners, while the boys are educated with hard core porn. She says it’s important to say no and to know our limits.

The places we choose to have sex can also ruin the momentum. For example, how romantic it is to make love on the beach? But then, there’s the sand, the water, and eventually, other people just passing by. One of my friends says she prefers to rely on the good old hand/blowjob in public places “because if you get caught, he will be the one who will look like an idiot, while you can easily stop what you’re doing. And it’s a good foreplay for the bedroom, or another private place” she said.

The words we use during the sexual intercourse can also have a downside effect. “He called me a slut during the act. I hated it” B., 30, said. “He couldn’t stop talking during the act. It completely turned me off” P., 34, said. “He didn’t say anything, but he had a strange way to come. That freaked me out” I., 35, said. “He said weird words like someone is watching us,… ” Y., 35, said. In the case of Y, I asked her if she had noticed before the guy was crazy, but she said she didn’t notice.

Then, there’s simply the bad lover. Period.

How to avoid catastrophe like this? Well, you never know in advance, but the best is to stay natural, and get carried away with the act.  Don’t try too hard.

And if you’re really into weird stuffs, well, there’s craigslist.

So, have you ever had bad sex experiences?

Too many questions

When you ask  yourself too many questions about the state of your relationship, or even the nature of the bond you have with one of your acquaintances, maybe it’s a sign you should take your distance right now with him or her. There are always signs he/she’s not into you, and the first warning signal should be that he/she doesn’t want to spend time with you/ have little time for you. But sometimes, this isn’t as obvious as it seems. Recently, a friend of mine told me she was quite puzzled about her man, because he would be sweet and caring etc with her one day, and distant/cold the next one.

And even with your friends, you can ask sometimes questions about your friendship.  I remember  how B. and I became friends two years ago, against all odds.  I thought he was manipulating me. He thought the same. Then, came my seminar in Rome. The three  lecturers gave in succession to the audience a very gloomy picture of the world in the nearest future. It was all about wars, food shortage, diseases, … After the conference, we all went to dinner in a prestigious place called the Villa Marni, where we could have a great view of the city and the Vatican. Everyone seemed downcast. Some were drinking heavily. My table neighbours remained silent during the dinner, except when they had to apologize to answer their phone. And I didn’t know why, but I felt the urge to call B. and tell him about this. He was suprised, of course. But he understood I just needed his mere opinion, without any calculation. This is how we started our friendship. Since then, some tensions, misunderstandings, betrayals have come into the equation. And we make everything ambiguous, without purpose. Last week, I called him just to thank him for mentioning me in his presentation, and he replied that he’s never met such a great journalist and that he was infatuated with my articles. I just thanked him. Period. Another time, he called me, and apologized he had to ring back because he was receiving someone very important (an ambassador, he explained). He called me back, and said: “I’m all yours”. And quickly reajusted his sentence, saying he was joking. I have a lot of male friends who don’t hesitate to tell me that, without making it ambiguous. Two months ago, he resigned from his job, and I was the last to know about it (my coworkers sent me an SMS to warn me about it). He apologized the next morning for that. Three months ago, I had to write an article about him, and in the middle of the meeting, he shrugged, and asked me why the hell I was bothering to write something about it. My friends asked me repeatidly if there ‘s something going on between him and I, but there’s nothing, except he’s a bit nuts. One of his coworkers asked me the same question, and when I replied to her that you never know how he will react, she laughed and agreed with me. I just consider him as a friend. A very odd one.

So, do you ask  yourself sometimes questions about your lover or your friends? 

Hand in hand

… We’ll do and die.

Very recently, I had to interview a financial adviser  who offered to come to my office to explain his business. He was accompanied by his female collaborator. Both were former bankers, who decided one day to quit their job and start a new business. I quickly understood he was the one behind this decision, and she followed him. By the way she looked at him, I could immediately tell she was more than just his business partner. Their business didn’t get the regulator agreement to start in our country. They had to wait three years to get started. And could launch their business thanks to the european passport that allows a business based in the EU to import it in another country. But I could see they had to endure a lot of obstacles and were a bit tired of this. Yet, they had the strength to carry on. Because they were a team. Interviewing them was quite odd. He was quite vindictive and pushy, while she would be the one who tempered his quotes. But I was happy to talk to them, because they came with the proofs I always needed to tell the truth about one of the most sold investment products in our country. This product is just a pure robbery from the banks for investors. And they gave me reason. I felt less alone in this.

Three days later, I saw them again in a seminar. But I was sitting behind them, and they didn’t see me until the end of the seminar. During it, I could see them whispering all the time into each other’s ears. They looked very bonded. When I bumped into them after the presentation, I noticed that she couldn’t stop looking at me, with a bit of worry in her eyes. Jealousy? Probably. If I could, I would have told her she wouldn’t have to worry about me. Besides, I know when a man is trying to flirt with me, and he wasn’t at all. The truth is the guy is really, really handsome, and it was hard for me to concentrate on what he was saying. Hence, her qualm. But I know that look. I have the same one when a woman speaks to the light of my life.

But I find it really touching how she supports her man in his business. He’s clearly passionated about what he’s doing, and she probably chose to follow him so she could have a better understanding of him. If it’s not a proof of love, I don’t know what it is. I just hope for her she’s not giving up her personality for him. But apparently, it’s not the case.

In every relationship, there ‘s a part of give and take. The key is not to get fooled in this. But it’s great when a common project can raise from a relationship. It’s like a cement for your couple. Some people consider buying a house, having children, … like a common project. Others choose a more original approach.

So, is it important to have a common project with your significant other?

You’re all I have

Little kids often confuse the notion of having and being. They confuse the things they possess with their happiness. Some adults also make that confusion, and this can lead to a lot of disappointments/ bad behaviors. When it comes to our love life, this confusion lays the path to codependence. Some people tend to confuse love with codependence because of this. They think they couldn’t live without the one they love, that their life would fall apart. They don’t realise they’re in a one-sided relationship.

Some people who make that confusion are always unsatisfied. The confusion leads to a downward spiral where they have everything they could desire, but nothing really makes them happy. Everything easily bores them. This is how we can lose desire. This is also why we can multiply partners, and never find the one.

Learning that having is different than being can be difficult. Our education plays a huge part in this process. When you’re a kid, if your parents haven’t set some limits to what you can ask, this is how we can continue to make the confusion between our desires and our needs.  One of my friends, when she was little, was constantly jealous about the  rich girl in our class and always complained she had this and her not.  Her mother once asked her if  the girl was happier than her, and she had to admit it wasn’t the case. The rich girl was spoiled by her parents, who got divorced when she was 3, and was very affected by this. We could all notice that. My friend realised she was happy because her parents were still together and live a happy life. She stopped being so envious about the other girl.

I had a ex-friend who couldn’t make the distinction between her desires and her needs. When we were 17, her parents got divorced, and she started acting very oddly with me.  I thought she was jealous of  my happiness. She would dress like me (fashion and I at that time were two opposite things…) and think about becoming a journalist, just as I wanted. She also started to flirt with all my male friends. She ended up sleeping with the guy I was secretly in love with. Back then, only two people knew about my feelings for him, and she was one of the happy few.  Just before she betrayed me, we had a long conversation where she told me she couldn’t understand me, that I was so opaque. I didn’t understand at all why she would say that.  We took our distance naturally afterward, simply because I was moving in another city to do my studies. I just hope for her she won’t reproduce the same mistake with someone else.

Narcissistic perverts also follow the same logic, except that they can destroy their victim. It’s their only way to feel alive. To be.

So, what do you need to be happy?

Hands down

One of my friends always takes a good notice of men’s hands. She said she can easily be turned off by a man who hasn’t got great hands, no matter how handsome he is. I often asked her (she’s still single) if she wouldn’t reconsider her choice, because I’m convinced she’s letting the good guys running away from her. But I’ve noticed that for a reason, we all focus on some silly details on others, and base our decision if we like him/her or not only on that criteria. This is completely shallow, but most of us will choose to hang with others based on stupid details. I remember when I went to my financial lessons last year that I only hung out with a group of people, but not the others. Why? I couldn’t explain. I was naturally drawn  by their conversation. The guys weren’t particularly handsome, but they were fun and kind, and we always had a good laugh during the breaks. I also can’t explain why I get along with some of my professional contacts, and I do appreciate calling them for an advice or interviewing them, while other just leave me cold.

I already mentioned in a previous post that we tend to pick our friends or lovers because of the image they reflect of us. But this doesn’t explain everything. Especially for the hands. I guess our personal fears interfere too in the way we pick the others. Some people can really scare you just by the look in their eye. But some can see beyond that. I remember when I saw B. for the first time, I wasn’t scared at all. A lot of people fear him, or just thinks he’s nuts. Well, he’s a little bit nuts, but for a reason, I do understand him.  Our judgment can also be wrong. I used to hate one of my friends when we were younger. Back then, we were competing for the same guy. None of us got what she wanted. This is how we became friends. If she wasn’t interested in him, maybe I would have never noticed her. Maybe she would have never noticed me. Who knows?

There’s a lot of randomness in our encounters. But sometimes, randomness can be good.

For instance, Ellis, how did you end up on my blog? 😉

So, how do you explain you like someone, or not?

A little of human touch

When I was in College, I had a classmate who dated the most difficult shrew on this planet. We all wondered why he stayed with her, because she was so mean with him. Once, I had the opportunity to ask him why, and he explained that she wasn’t like that at the beginning of their relationship. She became like that because she got into a huge argument with her parents. And he told me it was really difficult for her. He did her best to help her, but she took it wrong all the time. I told him that she didn’t have the right to insult him in front of everyone, to humiliate him in public (I also thought she would do that in private) and to give him nothing but a frown of all the time. Eventually, he left her. Their relationship lasted three years. He told me he was about to cheat on her. He preferred to call it quits before committing such a mistake.

Some people don’t have that dilemma. Years later, when I was a banker, I received in my office a woman who cheated on her husband. She said he didn’t know about it, and did everything to hide this from him. She said she didn’t want to do this, but when her lover came into her life, it was like a rebirth for her. “My husband was working all of the time. We barely saw each other. And when he got home, he was too tired to be nice with me. I felt completely invisible. When T. came into my life, I did nothing to provoke him. But the way he looked at me made me beautiful. And he had a way to get interested in what I did. I just yielded. It was a long time ago that I didn’t feel that way” she explained.

 Without any sign of affection, it’s hard not to feel left out in a relationship. We all need affection and love. When we don’t have it, we tend to search it elsewhere. Some of us will transmit this to an animal, some other will seek for some human warm with lovers.

This is one road to unfaithfulness. But it’s not the only one. When you’re in a relationship, and about to cheat on your partner, communicating with him/her can prevent you from committing a mistake. Sometimes.

So, what would you do without love?

Strange things happen

Recently, one of my friends announced to us she was moving in with her lover. A female one. She had always been a heterosexual, but she fell in love madly with her.”It just happened” she says. She met her a long time ago, and she admitted she was intrigued from the start about her and her odd ways. “We don’t come from the same world. She’s an artist, has no notion of time, money, responsibilities. When we met for the first time, I immediately hated her. She would get on my nerves all of the time. Yet, I don’t know why, I couldn’t get enough of her. I was about to get married, but I stopped the process three days before the D-Day because I started having an affair with her” she said. They had too much of a drink one night, and spent the night together. Yet, afterwards, my friend became torn between her feelings for her and her strict education. “I was telling to myself I couldn’t ruin my life by falling in love with her. I always thought I would get married, and have children, with a man, as my mom would have wished. And every time we were together, those thoughts came back and forth. She was also torn between her love for me, and her catholic education. We called it quits several times, but couldn’t stay separated from each other for a long time. In the end, we decided to take our relationship public. I knew we could make all the way it to the light”  she said.

I find her story very touching. At least, she had the courage to be honest about her feelings. Not everyone can do that. But I’m convinced that when you’re in love, you can move mountains to reach your goal. And those hurdles that are your education, your belief, your friends, your family,… suddenly disappear to let the room free for love. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s powerful.

My friend admits that she’s still flabbergasted by what she has done. Sometimes, when she thinks about how she fell in love with her, it just makes her cry, but her tears are tears of joy. But she told me that she wouldn’t change a thing at all. She’s happy, and still doesn’t believe it.

So, does love make you euphoric?

Unfaithful

Once a cheater, always a cheater? According to some psychologists, no. I was reading a magazine where it said that unfaithful men can become faithful to their second, third or fourth wife if they grow up. Basically, infidelity is a question of maturity. I’m not sure at all this can solve everything. But one of my friends, who had experienced the bitter situation of getting divorced because of a cheating husband, doesn’t agree with me. Because her husband has remained faithful to his next wife, so far. He admitted it to her and apologized for hurting her so much. My friend is still not over him, and she’s devastated by this confession. I told her that he may be faithful now, but sooner or later, the devil will come back. I understand it’s difficult for her to let it go. In such situation, you always wonder what you have done to deserve this.

My friend admits though she doesn’t recognize her ex anymore. He seems changed. He wouldn’t lose his temper like before. He’s also more patient than before. So, maybe his new wife has helped him to be more mature. Some people can have a good influence on us in helping us being a better person. It’s not given to everyone with everyone. It’s called soul mating. Maybe her ex has found his. For my friend, this would mean she wasn’t his, but he wasn’t hers either. Someday, she will find someone who will better suit her, I’m sure of it. Her marriage was doomed from the start. They couldn’t stop fighting. Mostly because he wasn’t faithful. But also, they didn’t understand each other that much. Sometimes, people marry for the wrong reasons.

Another friend of mine has gone through a very difficult relationship too, where her man cheated on her several times. But unlike my other friend, she’s convinced her ex will never change. Simply because he’s reproducing the exact same mistakes with his new lady. She doesn’t believe he could ever be faithful. For her, some men are simply unable to remain faithful to one woman. It’s in their genes, she said. “Seducing as many women as they can is a competition. It proves their superiority. They need to dominate, it’s like that” she says.

Maybe she’s right. Some of us are in a logic of competition, and never depart from that. I guess some people can become faithful after cheating, and some people can become unfaithful after staying faithful for years. Some people never stay faithful too. And some people always stay faithful.

Do you think it’s possible to change completely for love?

 

Last request

Before we die, we all want to accomplish something. For some, the goal is to get rich, famous, socially recognized. For others, the only thing that counts is to find love, to have children and start a family. But sometimes, our goals can change after an incident. Once, I was interviewing one of my professional contacts, who told me he  just got a daughter, at 53. He got married only two years ago. Before that, he was busy working all of the time.  Since I know him, he had always swore he would never get married and have children, but three years ago, he survived a terrible accident where he was the only survivor. He got paralyzed for months and began thinking about his priorities in life. He also realized that, during his time at the hospital, no one would come and visit him except his two assistants from time to time, and only for work. When he got out of the hospital, he decided to slow down his professional life, and started to flirt with one of his collaborators who patiently endured all his temper tantrums during meetings.

Sometimes, we don’t even need a disaster to review our priorities. Simple regrets can have a powerful subversive effect on us. One of my friends recently tried to get in touch again with her ex, twelve years after their breakup. She realized how much she missed him when she registered on Facebook. She told me she hated when their relationship ended. They had to call it quits because they chose to study in different countries, and their distance relationship couldn’t resist. She lost him out of sight because they were in different countries. And she forgot about him, until Facebook.  She wanted to know if their relationship could have a second chance. “When we dated, we were too young and not sure at all what we wanted. At least, that’s what I thought. I need to know if we could make it through again. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s changed completely” she said. She did meet her ex, but their first encounter was very cold. She hasn’t given up, though. But I’m not optimistic it will work the next time. I told her to listen to her heart, and until she hasn’t got a clear answer to what she’s looking for, maybe she should go on. I just hope for her she won’t be too disappointed if things don’t turn the way she expects.

Regrets are powerful. I have a friend who says she never hesitates to do something because she knows she will regret it afterward. And she said regrets make you bitter.

So, have regrets ever driven your life?

We didn’t start the fire

Recently, as I was leaving my newsroom, one of my coworkers asked me if I was going to see B. I looked at him and asked him what the hell he was talking about, and he just switched to another subject. This is how I realized that my coworkers have been speculating a lot on my love life, and I wonder how they came to the conclusion I was with B., since he and I, we barely speak to each other, and have only professional contacts. I’m also not the only journalist who’s in touch with him. And personally, I think  he’s way too old for me. Plus, he’s married.

One of my friends told me she had the same kind of experience, but she thinks that there’s no fire starting without a spark. She says I must have given a clue somehow about a potential relationship with him. It’s true that I had interviewed him in the most weirdest condition, but apart from that, there’s no particular sign. She says that’s enough for people to start speculating. But she also told me that in her case, it wasn’t her colleagues, but her own entourage who started smelling something between her man and her long before they actually got together. “It’s like they knew we would end up together since the day we met, but we were the last to know about it” she said. She met her man at a party, and they spent the evening talking with each other. But she said it ended there, she didn’t want to see him afterwards. She also thought he wasn’t interested. But she was wrong. They evolved in the same circle of friends, except they didn’t know each other before the party. “He was always leaving when I was arriving and so was I when he was coming to see us” she explained.  But she did notice him. After the party, they started to exchange a few words from time to time, but they realized everyone around them was watching them, as an accident about to happen. It took them two years to get together, and at first, they did their best to keep their relationship secret. She said she was  afraid of the overwhelming reactions of their friends. They took everyone by surprise when they announced they would get married. They didn’t make their relationship public before.

In her case, their friends knew about their personality, and that they would make a great match. She said that the gossips helped her realizing that maybe, he could be the one. Without those, maybe she would have never dared anything with her husband.

I don’t think her experience works for everyone. I really think my coworkers are just fantasizing.

So, do you believe gossips?