Broken and lonesome

One of my coworkers,  despite being friendly and nice to everyone, reflects a sad image. Every time I speak to him, I can feel he’s unhappy.

It’s been two years now he’s battling with his ex-wife. They were separated in 2010 and got divorced last year. They have fought on everything, including their children. He has remained in contact with the two oldest of his kids. But his young daughter refused to talk to him. She’s backing her mom. It’s been  two years now he hasn’t spoke to her. Before, he used to speak a lot about her. She was his little treasure.

He didn’t need to tell me about this. I learned about this through one of his closest friends in my newsroom, when I told him his friend looks very depressed.

Unfortunately, when we’re unhappy, we reflect it a lot to the other people, even if we try hard not to show our unhappiness. My coworker is really nice with everyone. Yet, I can feel there’s something wrong. And as a result, I’m avoiding him when it’s possible. I’m not mean, but I feel a little bit sad when I’m near him. And this is something  I don’t want to feel right now in my life.

This is why, when we try to seduce someone, this feeling is to be avoided at any cost. We don’t seduce  with pity and empathy for our problems. We will only attract people who will use us by doing so. Cults, crooks, abusive personalities typically target this kind of prey.

Begging the one you love to take you back will repel him/her unfortunately. This is the wrong strategy.

That’s why it’s important to feel happy. And to find your own happiness. This journey can be long. But it’s worth will.

Forgetting an ex isn’t that easy

Forgetting an ex is something very difficult. We can have an ex who has a special place in our heart, even if there’s been years since we broke up. Sometimes, even time doesn’t help us to heal the wound. When I look on google search how many entries there are for “how to get back with my ex”, there are more than 405,000,000 results. Numerous books offer us the “key” to get back with the one we still love. There’s such a market for the broken heart.

Is there a remedy to get over him/her? When I see one of my friends struggling with her ex boyfriend, I’m not that optimistic. She has tried everything with him. She cut all contacts with him for months. She tried to make him jealous. She tried to date other men to forget about him. Her only option left is to leave my country for good, but she doesn’t want to do that. And I don’t want her to sacrifice her life because of him.

She has been back with him many times despite all of her attempts to forget about him. Yet, she never got what she wanted with him. Now, they are not really back on, but they still go on holidays together and spent an awful amount of time together. “I just can’t let him go”  she said. “I don’t understand. I can see my other ex’s kissing a woman and feel nothing about it. But with him, it’s different. I’m jealous. It still pinches my heart if I see him with another woman” she said. It’s been 14 years she’s into that weird relationship.

It would have been easier for her if her ex put a stop to this. But he doesn’t want to leave her alone. None of them want to end this for good.

Yet, it’s only our own decision that help us to forget an ex. Deep in our heart, we know what we can do. When the feeling isn’t right, it should serve as a guideline.

Being haunted by our ex can make us feel miserable. There’s a price to pay when we try numerous times to get back with our ex and fail at it every time. The pain of being rejected can grow deeper and deeper. But in the case of my friend, I would say she’s unable to feel that pain anymore. She’s just too numb, as if she was knocked out.

The only way to get out of this circle is to learn how to love ourselves. The more we love ourselves, the less we tolerate when we’re hurt by someone else. There are tricks to love ourselves. The first one is to learn how to receive compliments. For some people, it’s not easy at all.

Dear Kristen Stewart,

We don’t know each other, and I don’t know if all I read about you in the news lately is true, but I would like to give you some advices.

You’re young, and still unexperienced in life. You were weak to your film director, who probably was the one who initiated the adultery. You were in a delicate position.

We all make mistakes. You realized you made one.

Robert left you after this. Is he going to forgive you? That’s too early to tell.

You have already apologized to him. But you’re also begging him to come back to you. Don’t do that.

Stop calling him. Stop contacting him. Get your act together. The more you beg him, the more he will take his distance with you.

Don’t try to make him jealous too. Remember you have lost his confidence. If you try to make him jealous and date another guy, he will get comforted you’re just a s****.

You have your career. Focus on it. You’re a good actress. Don’t blow your chance.

Please, don’t hang out with girls who are clearly a bad influence.

And fight with the ones who are close to you, but don’t support you right now. Because you need them more than ever.

Take care sweetheart.

All players here

When I was in New York in June, I visited some friends who told me the difficulties of finding a man in that city. “All of them are players” one told me. All of them, really? I met two women  who found their match during my visit. They found their husband in the most common way: at work or through friends.

Yes, there are players among men. They are only interested in scoring with women as much as they can. And they don’t really care about them. Usually, they will try to sleep with them right away. But there are variant forms of players. A friend of mine used to be involved with a guy who had a turnover of seven female friends. All of them were his fuck buddies. The common point for all players is there are too many women around them. Way too many. And I’m not speaking about family members.

With these kind of men, you shouldn’t expect much. Chances are if your “relationship” lasts longer than a one-night stand, he won’t be available for you. He will also lie to you a lot. Not a solid foundation for a strong relationship.

Is there a way to avoid a player? Yes, and it’s really simple: never sleep with him too quickly. The more you make him wait, the more you will eliminate those who are only interested in sleeping with you. If he’s still there after two months of abstinence, maybe he’s interested in you.

And what if you are dating one? Well, here, the mirror technique can help you. Date other men as well and have a lot of men around you. If he doesn’t react to this, it will help you to leave him.

Unfortunately, in big cities like New York, this kind of men find their territory. This is why my friends complain all men are players here.  But not all of them.

Not good enough

A little while ago, I introduced one of my cousins to one of my best friends. We organized a night out with my group of friends and my cousins and my friend was placed near my cousin because I thought they had a lot of common points. Both were going out a lot and enjoyed meeting new people all of the time. But they didn’t click.

I saw my friend really intimidated that night by my cousin. She didn’t speak a lot. She wasn’t herself. When we hang out together, she’s the funny one of our group. Here, it wasn’t the case. My cousin ended up speaking with my other friends. Yet, after this night, my cousin told me he really enjoyed her company. I was a little bit surprised.

On Facebook, I could see him leaving her a lot of messages, but she didn’t reply to him. I didn’t understand why. Three months later, my cousin went to a party where he met his girlfriend, who works for a sport events organizer. I met her three months later when he introduced her to me.

When I told this to my friend, she told me she knew he would pick a woman like her. “When I looked at him, I could tell I wasn’t the one for him. I’m just a social assistant. What would he do with me?” she said.

I introduced her to my cousin because she asked for it. She saw his pictures and told me he was really handsome.

This is not the first time this has happened to her. Most of her dates were like that. She thought the guy was handsome, but then she feels like she’s not good enough for him, that he’d probably be better with another woman. She’s very beautiful and funny though. Yet, she always sells herself short like that. My cousin’s girlfriend is less funny and less beautiful than she is. But the difference is his girlfriend has more self-confidence.

I do admit I have been intimated by men too. I went once to have a drink with a man I met at a seminar. He was really handsome. But I thought he was only interested in me because of my job, and not because I was interesting and beautiful. I thought a guy like him would be better with a really beautiful woman.

I do believe negative thoughts like that are really bad and can ruin your chances to meet the one. Unless the man you meet is looking for sex, chances are he will see if you would make a good companion. It’s normal to feel a little bit intimidated at the beginning of the conversation. But if he’s a great guy, he will try to launch the conversation, and you should feel at ease after a while.

When you go to a lot of dates, you can feel at ease with every new guy you meet. It helps you a lot to be yourself. You will immediately know if you like the guy or not. If you think you’re not good enough, you can pass next to the great guy ever, and fall into the hands of a manipulative liar who will immediately recognize in you your weakness and use it to seduce you.

It’s better to attract someone with our qualities than our flaws.