The high risks with a separated man

Recently, I met a man who told me he was just separated with his wife. It’s been only three months they have separated, and he’s still live with her and their two children, even though they share a house and an apartment in order to live apart from each other. He told me he went to several dates since his separation. One of his dates didn’t want to pursue with him after that. I guess she felt the same way than me. I fear he would realise sooner or later his mistake and come back to his wife. His date was seeing other men, and she told him she decided to pursue a relationship with one of them. I just tell him I don’t see a positive evolution with him as he’s still lives with his wife and he shares with her many mutual friends. He told me he would spend his summer going with their friends abroad where his wife would be there.

Some women don’t bother to date a separated man, because they know he feels alone and hurt. But he also has a lot of resentment from his previous relationship. He may not be emotionally available. My date, for example, didn’t ask many questions to me when we matched on Tinder. He didn’t even try to google me.  He just said he wanted to meet him to see if we could be compatible. I already had some bad intuitions about our meeting.

Some of my dates did their homework before meeting me for the first time. One of them is a CEO, who always looks for informations about the person he will meet. It’s a good way to make the person feel interesting. I told him I ran at the time two blogs, and he read both of it before meeting me  and asked questions about it. He was one of the best dates I’ve been so far.

But I don’t say it’s always ill-fated to date a separated man, because it depends on how it ended, and also where he sits in his life.  A friend of mine left his previous relationship and wanted to live closer to his work. So when it was over, he moved out. He didn’t have many friends in common with his ex, who could have acted a cement between her and he. He didn’t have any child with her. So he had a fresh start in his new home town, and he wanted to share his experience with a new partner.

So, if he tells you he’s separated, ask questions about why it ended, and how he’s interacting with his future ex-wife. These are precious indications. But the most important is the way he treats you. If he doesn’t do what he promises, if he leaves you without contacting you for weeks, if he criticises you out of the blue and makes you feel belittled, if he cheats on you, maybe he’s not worth your time.

The St Bernard

A St Bernard type of personality is characterised by a will to do everything to save the other. Those who work in the medical profession like MD, nurses, social assistants, …are prone to this kind of personality. But in relationship, it could backfire.

I met recently a guy who told me he was a saviour. He just got out of a relationship with a bipolar woman. “She was everything I want from a woman, except she was really violent with me” he told me. He added he lost a lot of money to help her during his relationship with her. And he gained 22 pounds during his relationship, as if he wanted to protect him from her. He also told me he was seeing a psychologist. “Why did you choose a woman who was fragile?” I asked him. He replied he thought he could change her.

It’s foolish because bipolar personality can’t be healed by love, unfortunately. Bipolar people often end alone so yes, you can feel guilty to leave them alone. But sometimes, it’s best to take your distance. “My wife and her sister don’t speak to their dad anymore. He’s bipolar, and when he’s in his “up” period, he harasses  them on the phone. He even showed several times at their office just to speak to them. He got beaten in the street, several times, by men. I guess he insulted them. One day, we fear he will die like that” said one of my friends.

St Bernard people hope to change positively their significant other. They choose people with an addiction like drugs or alcohol (or both), who have mental problems, financial problems, … with the hope to save them. It may work in short term, because those with an addiction can stop to use drug or drink alcohol. But there is always a risk they could return to their addiction.  Some people with financial problems can be always caught in those problems, especially those who are shopping compulsive. Yet, they stay in the relationship, ever if the relationship is toxic for them. One of my friends often cries when she speaks about her significant other, who is toxic to her. But it’s been seven years now they are together, and she doesn’t want to leave her, even though she started to cheat on her significant other. My friend is always broke because she pays everything for her significant other, who often get fired from her job.

But sometimes, we search for familiar situations in our relationship, which related to our difficult childhood. St Bernard people are not immune from this.

 

Love at first sight

Love at first sight can happen between two persons. Usually, at first, we feel a strong attraction to the other one, but we try to deny our feelings. Because it can happen we are struck by love at first sight while we’re already in a relationship, married, with children. It’s difficult to resist to that feeling even though you will lose your marriage in the process. But our feeling is so strong we don’t even think about the consequences of your act. People just follow their heart when they are struck by love at first sight.

But does it mean it will last forever? Love at first sight can be not mutual, and it can die quickly because the love isn’t met. When it’s mutual, it’s not guaranteed to last either. Because as the biologist Helen Fisher says, love lasts only two years. After, you start to get annoyed by your partner. What you found so charming at the beginning suddenly turns you off.

It can even fizzle before the two years period. One of my friends left her long term relationship for a married man who decided to divorce for her (in fact, it was his wife who wanted a divorce), but unfortunately, their relationship only lasted six months, because they didn’t come from the same social circles, and their relationship was not validated by their family and friends, as they thought my friend just lost her mind. Eventually, my friend’s lover left her for another woman. So the feeling may be high at the beginning, but the landing can be really hard.

The person you just see across the room now and who seems illuminated by a halo may not be a great match for you after all. It’s only a physical attraction, with a need to know everything about our significant other. Men are more driven by this kind of feelings than women, as they are visual creatures.

But only the long run can tell if your love at first sight can last. True love takes time. The New York Times wedding sections relates many cases when the bride and groom took their time to fall in love and decide to get married.

Only fools rush in.

The Tinder ghosts

Some men are on Tinder just for the thrill of like, as if they search an instant gratification like they would do on Facebook or Instagram when they post a picture, a Selfie or a link to an article. These men don’t necessarily look for a meeting or any kind of relationships. Sometimes, they are already in the comfort of a relationship or are married. They are not unfaithful. They just need that instant gratification.

If you match with these ghosts, they won’t start the conversation. Some will try to have a conversation and even schedule an appointment with you, usually in the middle of the week, and never on the weekend as they have a family and activities planned. If you say yes, they disappear immediately. And if you ask when do you meet, they will find a lame excuse.

I had a match like that, who only asked me for a date without asking me personal questions. He was determined as he sent me several messages during three weeks. I didn’t reply, until he started to ask personal questions. And I agreed to meet him for a drink. But then, he stopped to send me messages. And he gave me a lame excuse for not coming to our date. He told me he had to travel for his work and didn’t remind about that before. But he didn’t reschedule a date with me.

Usually, you can spot them and know if they just look for instant gratification when they go M.I.A. after they set a date with you. A men who is genuinely interested in meeting with you would still keep a conversation with you after the agreement of date.

These men want to know they have their options open.

But it can be hurtful if you find your man on Tinder while you’re are in a relationship. One of my friends told me a single friend of her noticed her partner on Tinder. When she confronted her man, he told him he had never met any of his matches. But my friend told me it’s hurtful for her because she doesn’t have any trust for her partner after that. “He lied to me because he didn’t told me he was still on Tinder, so why would he tell me the truth about his matches?” she said.

It’s difficult in this case to trust your significant other.

Married at first sight

Imagine if you get married to a guy you haven’t met and  who has 89% of compatibility with you according to the test you took on Okcupid or Elite Dating? That’s the pitch of a new TV show in my country, called Married at first sight. People choose to get married to a total stranger who has a high score of compatibility with them after taking a test.

For those who have tested OkCupid or Elite Dating, or any dating site where you have to fill a test to know your compatibility with a potential partner, it may rise eyebrows. Because it’s not because you have a high score of compatibility with someone that you may fall in love with him/her.

One explanation is because you don’t really find a right answer to the questions asked in the test. Or if you hacked Okcupid like Chris McKinlay. People also lie on internet.

Another reason could be because you don’t find attractive in real life your compatible date.  It can happen. I’ve been disappointed a lot by my first encounters with the men I met through online dating. To be fair, once, I even turned back on my heels when I saw one of my date seating in the cafe where we agreed to meet.

It can also happen you feel no sparks when you meet your date for the first time. Women do use their smell cue to choose their partner. The guy in front of them can be handsome, but if they can’t smell him, they won’t go on a second date with him. One of my friends also told me she just felt cold with every guy she met online during their first date.

Besides, even if you do start a relationship with someone you met online and who has a high score of compatibility with you, it’s not guaranteed to last and to end up with wedding bells. There are many hurdles in a relationship.

So marrying someone you just met is not a really good idea.

How do we become friends with benefits?

A friend with benefits (FWB) is a friend of yours who ends up involved in sexual encounters with you, without much more commitment. A friend of mine used to have a FWB when she broke up with her ex after cancelling their engagement. She told me she needed to have a physical proximity with another man to help her cope with the pain of the breakup. One of her friends, who didn’t want any commitment, offered her to be a FWB. She told me they made an arrangement together, to remain friends even if the “relationship” turned sour, and to spend one night together at least per month. My friend was conscious she could want more from her FWB so she dated other men during the time she remained FWB with her friend. Eventually, one of her ex’s came back into her life and asked her to move with him. That’s how her relationship with her friends with benefits ended. Unfortunately, she didn’t remain friend with him.

Some people, though, start to be friends with benefits with people they just met, but it’s difficult to create a new arrangement with someone you barely know, because of the complicated nature of what you’re trying to create.

It’s easier to set the sexual connection with someone new, but friendship is more difficult, because a friend is someone you trust and who trusts you. That relationship develops over time, through shared history, experiences, thanks to compatibility or mutual interests.

One of my friends told me she met a guy in a club who asked her to be FWB. She didn’t know him before. “All he wanted was to fuck me” she said. “I don’t think he bothered to be friend with me. Besides, how can I trust someone like that?” she added. So she turned down the guy.

To put a label like FWB on any relationship put pressure on people, with a high probability of failure.

FWB between friends is even difficult, because one of the partner can have deeper feelings for the other. Some people accept to be FWB in the hope to have a commitment relationship but are too coward to tell the truth to their friend because they fear it would scare them off.

In that case, FWB can be deserving you, and make you feel belittle.

So, yes, FWB is a complicated arrangement between people.

 

 

 

 

Do players ever change?

“I had slept with many women during a certain point. All I wanted is to have a different woman in my bed every day, but it changed” said one of my acquaintances, recently, when I asked him why some men can’t be satisfied by one woman. “Since I had my lawsuit against that woman who claimed I have harassed her sexually, I haven’t been able to sleep with women again. I don’t trust women at all” he added. (That woman seems to be the one who makes him pay for all the women he didn’t respect…).

Yet, I can’t help thinking his fear will disappear over time. But my acquaintance isn’t young anymore, because he’s not far for his sixty birthday now. Some men are not hindered by their age to continue to seduce as many as women anymore. Even if their body  don’t respond well to their desire anymore. As age makes men have difficulty to have an erection…

But what is a player? A player is a guy who only wants to have sex with you. That’s the common player. They try everything to sleep with a woman. When they get what they want, they disappear from your life.

Some of them don’t disappear completely from your life. I had an ex who was a player. He asked me if we could remain friends. When I accepted to have a drink with him after our breakup, he tried everything to have me back as a sex friend. But only as a sex friend, aka someone who will accept to have sex with him whenever he wanted.

While other men can be clumsy with women, the player knows how to get to his goal. He can be patient if you don’t sleep with him on the first night. One of my friends told me  one of her ex’s even waited for two months to have sex with her, only to disappear after their night with each other. He just told her he didn’t see any future with her, and then disappeared.

But my friend suspected him to be a player, because he was very secret with his phone while he was with her, and wasn’t that available to her during the weekends. “I’m sure he saw other women as well as we were together. He had always something else to do” she said.

Her fears turned out right, because her ex was involved with two other women while he was with her. She only discovered that after months.

There are signs he’s a player. If he isn’t interested in you and doesn’t make time to introduce you to his world, his hopes, his fears, his friends,… he may just be interested into sex with you and that’s it.

What to do then? Well, if you want to, sleep with him as early as possible. After all, it’s the best way to get rid of him quickly. Don’t try to make him wait for you. It’s the best way to hope for a hopeless relationship with someone who’s not interested into committing to you.

Usually, the player is terrible in bed. All he wants is to enjoy his pleasure. He doesn’t care about yours.  Some of them have their pride, though, and want to leave a good impression so you can tell to your friend they are a good lover. Yeah, they’re delusional.

Why can’t I be you? (Stealing your partner’s personality)

In theory, we should never change who we are or what we want for the one we love. But in real life, it can happen we can adopt the personality of the person we are dating. Especially in the six first months of any long term relationship.

When we fall in love with someone, we fall for the person who holds the promise of changing our life. So it’s not impossible to adopt the personality of the one we love.  If we find ourselves changing for a partner, maybe it’s because we want that change.

We may fall for someone who is different from us for that reason.  But we are all different even if we share some common points. Because we have each a personal history, which makes us who we are.

That person we are attracted may seem different because he/she can have some features very different from us, like blue hair, a certain style, … or some  crafts like hosting dinner parties, a knowledge about beers, a long list of travels, or whatever it may be.

But really, we are looking at those differences because we want to be that different. It’s a way of reinforce us in a sense.

I remind this story about a guy who falls in love with a woman who likes to swim with sharks, while he was afraid of water.

One of my friends told me she fell in love with a guy who didn’t drink and was socially awkward, while she was a party girl. At first, he was positive influence for her. Because she stopped drinking and going out, she could focus on her work. And got a prize for it. But eventually, she got tired of him, because he didn’t like to go out, while she wanted to have some social life.

In a way, it’s like an extraverted falls for an introverted. Many couples are like that.

Some do survive, because of compromises.

Some do not.

One sided relationship

“I keep playing your part, but it’s not my scene”

Sitting, waiting, wishing –  Jack Johnson

Recently, one of my acquaintances complained about her significant other, who doesn’t give her anything. “I keep on making plans for us to spend our time together, but she doesn’t propose anything to me and even refused some of my plans. I pay for everything while she is always reluctant to pay. I feel I’m constantly walking on eggs with her because she criticizes me a lot. And I feel stressed because I don’t know how she will act” she said.

This is a one sided relationship where my acquaintance is doing all the work while her significant other makes her feel worse than better about herself. Unfortunately, if this relationship continues like that, it’s ill-fated.

The only solution to this problem is to tell how you feel to your significant other, keeping one feeling by conversation. It’s not wise to remind your partner about past events, because it can fire back at you. I did that with my ex, and he told me I should have told him right away there was a problem with him instead of bringing  him that topic three weeks later.  As a result, he brushed off my feelings and I felt diminished. But it’s not that easy to react right away.

One of my friends told me she can’t react right away. She only pulls back and doesn’t answer her phone for hours, even if her significant other tries to call her. “After some time, I reply, and he asks what’s wrong. Usually, it helps me to find the words to tell him how I feel” she says. But this only works if your significant other do call you often. If he/she goes MIA for days, well, he/she won’t notice anything.

How do you know you’re in a one sided relationship? People don’t realize this right away. Especially if they are in love. In the six first months of a relationship, if we’re in love, all we want, is to spend our time with our partner. We don’t care about details.

If like my acquaintance, you always make the plans, you pay for everything, and make efforts to include your partner in your life while he/she makes no effort at all and doesn’t feel too excited to meet your friends and family, that’s the sign of a one sided relationship.

In other words, if your partner doesn’t give you much (of his/her time, of his/her heart, of his/her consideration), this is a one sided relationship.

Some people jump into relationships while they are emotionally unavailable, and don’t give that much to their new partner because of that. We can be emotionally unavailable after a break up or after an incident in our life.

Communication is the only way to break that cycle. If this situation continues even if you pointed out the lack of consideration to your partner, it’s hopeless.

The lack of touching

Time Magazine recently interviewed a 100-years old sex therapist who regrets our busy life, because we lose desire easily for our significant other.  She also regrets we don’t touch and caress our significant other because we are too busy with our smartphone, even if we communicate through it.

I tend to leave my smartphone on mute or even off whenever I’m with a date or a lover. And I will be shocked if he pulls out his smartphone in front of me to answer a call or a message, especially if I talk to him. But I’ve noticed around me it’s not necessarily the case. I’ve been invited to many dinners where most people just stared at their smartphone and don’t talk to each other. I’ve seen couples who communicate through Facebook even if they are in the same place, very close to each other.

Even if you leave sweet messages to your significant other, it’s not really the same than touching him/her, stroking, caressing him/her and kissing him/her.

This is a bad example, but recently, one of my young coworkers was shocked by the behavior of one of coworkers who is married to a fellow coworker. Because she touched him in the back while he was talking to someone else. It is advised to avoid any public display of affection at the office, so I understand why my coworker was a bit shocked. In large company, it is even forbid to work with our significant other. In my previous company, couples were split in different locations to avoid any conflict of interest.

But I asked my coworker if she were shocked to see couples touching (gently) each other outside the office, and she said nobody does that around her. As if we have  forgotten about that.

I guess it depends on people. And how we were raised when we were children. My parents still hold each other hand in public. To hold your significant other’s hand is the most accepted public display of affection. Yet, some couples don’t hold each other hand. Even some of my exes didn’t want to hold my hand in public. But it’s not a proof of any commitment. Some guys just hold your hand because it’s their first step to get closer to you.

As for touching your arm or your back, It’s not a big deal for men or any sign of commitment. Many of my (older) coworkers touch the arm of the women they want to say hello to. One of them is a notorious womanizer  (sometimes, some of his exes come into our office and make a scandal).

Touching the face is another story. It’s difficult to do that with someone you just met. And it’s not a common public display of affection. Many people do that in private. And even in private, some people avoid this.

So far,  at the many dinners where I was invited, I’ve seen none of those public displays of affection. At least at the beginning of the evening. After few drinks, some people lose their ways. But sometimes, alcohol makes people aggressive toward each other and can’t help fighting with each other.

It’s easy to put distance with our significant other. And generally, it simply starts with the physical distance.