Recently, a French singer’s wife filed for divorce because of his addiction to poker. I guess it wasn’t the addiction itself that pushed her to end her marriage with him, but more the fact that she felt completely left out or secondary feels in this relationship. This raises a question: is it possible to live and have a happy relationship with someone who’s an addict?
Yes and no. It depends on the kind of addiction and on your level of tolerance toward it. For example, smoking is considered as an addiction, but it still possible to live a happy relationship with a smoker, even if you’re a non-smoker. Some people can’t stand dating a smoker, while other wouldn’t care about this little detail. “I can’t understand the non-smokers that date or live with a smoker”once said a friend of mine, who is allergic to tobacco. “My husband smokes a lot, but I’ve established rules in our house: he must smoke outside the house, and he can’t smoke when he’s next to me. I would never change him for a non-smoker, though. This is the man I love, and this is just a little compromise”H., 35, said.
Smoking is the kind of addictions that has little consequences on your couple (except if your companion is stricken with lung cancer because of his/her frequent consumption of cigarettes throughout the year).
Other addictions, on the other hand, can have huge aftermaths on a relationship. The most obvious example is drug addiction. “My ex-husband had a huge problem with cocaine. He started to take this drug to handle the pressure of his job, and it soon began to develop into an addiction. It wasn’t the consumption itself that was the problem, but the side-effects of it. He became paranoid and really unstable, I didn’t recognize him anymore. Since he wasn’t the person I married anymore, I had no other choice than to divorce”P., 40, said. Alcohol has the same downward effects on the addict. Two of my colleagues were married to men who became dipsomaniac to a point where they completely ruined their professional and private life. One of them is now a tramp. Yet, these are dramatic examples. “My husband had a problem with alcohol, but he understood he had a problem and sought treatment for that. I must say that if he hadn’t stop drinking, I don’t know if I would be at his side now”K., 37, said.
Then, there are other compulsions too that can rotten a relationship. Problem gambling, porn movie addiction, computer addiction,… the list can be long. A friend of mine broke up with her man because he spent more time with his computer than with her. “He wouldn’t go out anymore, every free time he had, he would spend it on his computer plauing games. He didn’t care about me, so I just left him” she said.
Of course, these addictions can be cured. This simple hope pushes the addict’s companion to stay in the relationship. “If he had chosen to get some help, maybe I would have stayed with him. But he didn’t want to receive any treatment. I saw him taking the road to hell: he would disappear for day without telling me where he was, he provoked several accidents because he was driving under influence, he was violent when he was drunk,… He left me no choice”M., 41, said.
So, which addiction would you tolerate in your companion? And which one would be a turn off?
What's love got to do with it? 
I would find even smoking proplematic for many like me as there is rasing astmathic tension and the smoke does so bad for it.
What is the key I think is the level of compulsion and the tolerance of the partner. If she or he feels left out, becouse the compulsion is totally taking over the other, it definately is proplematic.
Smoking is a turn off. While addiction to cleanliness is something I can tolerate as I won’t have to be the one cleaning up most of the time 😛
What is a porn movie addiction? If a man is satisfied sexually, he is not going to be regularly looking at pornography. I fail to grasp and understand how a human being can be addicted to watching porn. It just seems to far fetched to me. Drugs and alcohol, that’s an addiction. Porn is just a substitute for human contact. Given the choice between a real woman and one on the TV, who’d pick the TV?
Raindreamer, indeed, it depends also on the level of compulsion. In fact, it depends on when the addiction turns into a problem.
WishBoNe, haha. Cleanliness is a practical addiction 🙂
WIGSF, haven’t you heard about those men who prefer a doll over a real woman? Yep, there are men who prefer a substitute to a real woman. Those who are addicted to porn movies follow the same logic.
No addictions are a turn on for me. I would tolerate smoking, but probably nothing else and compulsions, like the neat freak mentioned above really bother me because if you aren’t the same way they are always urging you to be like them.
DDTD, in fact, it’s easier to bear an addict if you’re an addict yourself. An alcoholic and a junkie can bear each other for example.
I guess its something akin to necrophelia. Some guys just won’t trust a woman with a pulse. But I think (I hope and pray to God) that those people are so few and far betweeen that they are mathematically insignificant in any sort of polling and statistical analysis.
But as I skimmed through that article you linked to, hmmm… maybe they’re on to something? Nah, I need a bit more than just a sexy lifelike doll. Dolls can’t cook. I’m sure real women have some other qualities that are beneficial too.
WIGSF, I hope too these kind of men are few. Besides, some real women can’t cook.
whatigotsofar, porn addictions are common. My ex husband preferred the 2D perfection of the Internet to the quite willing imperfect-in-his-eyes wife; porn star was eye candy who didn’t tell him to take out the trash. It is an attraction not based on 3D reality. His father was an alcoholic and he inherited some of the behaviors. Ex also racked up gambling debts.
The real loser in my life, however, was my ex-fiance who was an alcoholic. We didn’t live together and he was a practiced liar, so I didn’t realize the extent of it, so was unsure about the label until the end. His mother was an alcoholic, too.
Obviously, this is something I am very sensitive to. Because I do not want the toxic influence or drama, I essentially interview men thoroughly and trust less, yet have still gotten burned because addicts lie quite convincingly.
What if normal men cannot understand porn addiction, just because they prefer normal women?
About cleaning addiction. When in extreme it can be really annoying, believe me. My mother just cannot stand any mess – and I mean any. Two magazines in the table are a huge mess. And she is not very orderly person by nature. So after her “cleaning up” I needed to rearrange things for weeks and did not find anything. She is just a maniac. It is so tiresome.
Cricket, thank you for sharing your experience on this. Porn addiction unfortunately hits more men than we think.
I understand you interview thoroughly men on this, but as you say, it’s easy to lie about your addiction. Yet, for an alcoholic, going to a bar is a good idea to get to know his problem.
Raindreamer, indeed, cleanliness can turn into a nightmare. But it’s not a proper addiction, it’s an OCD. It’s really difficult to bear for the entourage.
Smoking would be something hard to handle. I don’t smoke and don’t particularly like the smell or taste of burning tobacco. Like a random sticker said, “Kiss a non-smoker. Feel the difference!”
Otherwise, I’d be willing to make a compromise. I myself can be quite finicky about tidiness and stuff. 😛
wkw, it depends on the smoker. One of my colleagues smells tobacco from 100 yards away and you could follow him just by his odor. A friend of mine smokes, but you can’t tell she’s smoking.
modobs,
The thing about alcoholics, and this has applied in my life with both a best friend and a boy friend, is that you’re not aware that your occasional nights out partying are every day occurances to them. For the friend, a third party pulled me aside and said there was a party in the home daily. I severed the friendship because I could not believe she’d driven with her toddler daughter in that state and I couldn’t handle how strapped she claimed to be when they obviously had a big budget for the liquor store.
Me, I can generally take it or leave it, only partying specifically. However, if you’re not with the person 24/7, you just plain don’t know the extent. That was the deal with my fiance, although we spoke on the phone several times a day.
I went out with one guy for a month, suspected he was an alcoholic – his face had broken veins and I was suspicious of his behavior, his parenting, etc. I sort of set him up. We were going to an outdoor concert where we could bring or buy alcohol. Ahead of time, I told him it was too hot outside, that I didn’t want to drink, made some excuse. I wanted to see if he would drink anyway. Sure enough, he brought a cooler full. Although it wasn’t my plan specifically for that night, I broke up with him after the concert, him dumbfounded and saying he thought things were going well. I don’t know if I should have told him how he failed the test, but I didn’t want to give him a chance to tap dance.
Cricket, you’re right, we aren’t always aware of their constant partying. I also discovered after years of partying with one of my friends, that he was an alcoholic. It happened once because I went to fetch him in the morning in his apartment, and I found him shaking in the morning. My godfather is inflicted too and I saw that many times with him, so I had no doubt about my friend. This is sad.
For the guy, well, I don’t know if the truth would have hurt him.
I hate to be the note of discord… no wait I don’t. But I have a completely different question about your article, and hopefully something you’ll explore further. Purely for fun.
You see I’m a firm believer in the mirror theory, where things may seem backwards on your end, but on the other person’s end they’re seing you in the exact same judging light.
In other words, to an addict, wouldn’t any person’s need to establish themselves as a priority over the addiction (in other words, focus on me not your damn gambling) be considered co-dependant behaviour that needs fixing as well?
The addict has a view that you, the person trying to change them, are just as wrong as you claim they are for being and acting a certain way. (In this case asking to be placed above that which they’ve expressed to love the most).
I’m in no way stating that being an addict is correct, or that having compulsive behaviour isn’t detrimental to a relationship. But as you said so yourself, addicts can be with addicts because they understand and share the bond of the addiction itself.
In a milder sense… you could have an addiction to great movies and an addiction to certain types of music or an addiction to the internet and compulsively log on and check blogs and spend 14 hours a day surfing.
If you are in a relationship with someone and they leave you for lack of your attention or because they feel you addiction to whatever it is that you do is far more important than they are, isn’t that also a sign of low self-esteem?
Need me, want me, put me first, put me on top, I’m more important than anything, including your career <— doesn’t that also qualify as another side of the spectrum?
I’m well aware that abusing any addiction brings misfortune, but a question I rarely find analyzed is how the addict or compulsive person views the accuser of bad behaviour.
Let me pretend I’m the sex doll addict. If you’re just not as pleasing as the doll, if all you do is yell at me, if no matter how sweet you look in the end you’re going to ask me uncomfortable questions about what it is I truly feel about you, or if it turns out the doll just has a tighter, better, more satisfying place for me to relieve myself and yours is, let’s face it, not as good, though I still prefer you for company and the occassional making out… is the fact that I have sex with a doll constantly something you’d consider compulsive behaviour? Or do you just find it insulting that I dare even suggest that you don’t compare?
Same goes for alcohol, same goes for cigarrettes, same goes for anything. An addiction is better than you, the addict understands that, to the addict, it’s not an addiction, it’s a priority, what they like and consider most important and you just have to deal with being second-best.
Doesn’t this scenario also display the weakness and co-dependancy we’ve come to develop through the years and masquerade as a “relationship”?
If you love somebody you make sacrifices, but being in love with somebody means being willing to do these sacrifices for someone who is not the ideal partner.
Because the ideal partner compliments you, be you an addict, thief or killer. It’s the ultimate expression of selfishness, of taking care of one’s needs first. While the other views are based on being selfless and considerate.
I’m still unsure which of these attitudes is actually “healthy”. I’m not fond of addicts, but I’m not too fond of martyrdom either. And sacrificing your addiction, when you’re an addict, believe me, it’s martyrdom. Unless the addict finds you more interesting than his/her addiction, you’re just begging for the addict to do exactly what you will later yell at him/her for doing: make you feel worse about yourself (which is even more bad when you already have a low self-esteem).
Maybe in the end, the only reason an addict can’t have a succesful relationship is even because they’re an addict, but because they spend a large amount of time assuring their partners that they’re number one, when they’re not. Maybe all you need to date an addict, is one that has the balls to tell you, that you’re number 2. And then in that case, if you’re ok with that, would it work? would it not work? The addiction isn’t lethal, it’s not some life or death circumstance or something that will embarrass the hell out of your parents.
What then?
Personally I wouldn’t date an addict, because I’m egocentric and it has to be all about me. I love attention and I need it. I’m too self-important to not be number 1 in anyone’s life. So I can’t date an addict. But I have friends who are quite fine with being number 2 and get their fulfillment elsewhere yet love their addicts deeply, not in spite of their addictions but for their honesty straight out about the addiction, not as a problem but as a compulsive behaviour based on deep satisfaction that they’ve come to expect which you’ll never provide. It’s cruel, but it’s honest.
Hi mistress Cavallaro,
Thank you for your comment and for sharing your view on this topic. Loving an addict isn’t easy, but I think there’s more than just self-esteem that makes you leave an addict. I have dramatic examples around me where one of the couple just left because they had enough, and it becomes especially difficult when there are children involved in this relationship. You’re right, nobody is an ideal partner, because we all have addictions.