broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts

Fifty shades of unhealthy grey

I read a lot, but there are books I don’t want to read, just because I’m against those which are popular for a wrong reason. For example, I didn’t read the book about DSK’s mistress, nor the one about our Royal Family written by a journalist, which made a scandal when they were released. I also tend to avoid Goncourt prizes and other prizes because of past disappointments. Yes, I’m a difficult reader.

Among those books I avoided, there was “Fifty shades of grey”. But according to a study led by a Michican State University, I have avoided unhealthy behaviors linked to reading this book.

When I saw the trailer for the movie, I thought it was funny I’ve never encountered such a situation. Because as a financial journalist, I often interview powerful alpha males. Some of my friends wonder if any of those guys have ever tried anything with me. But except one case, most of them just stay professional.

Unlike the lead character in the book, Anastasia, I don’t meet handsome alpha males like Christian Grey. First, most of them are above 50 year old, even 60 year old. Some of them aren’t good-looking. Second, they love being interviewed. They don’t interview me back. I had cases where the guys didn’t want to answer my questions. But hey, my interviews are not nice, because I tend to dig into financial datas to confront the guy. Oh, and I think they are not nice.

But usually, I’m often accompanied by either a PR or a photographer to do my interviews. I’m never always alone with the guy.

I would also hate to be treated like Anastasia, because I would wonder if I did send the wrong signal to the guy.

But like Anastasia, I sometimes don’t feel pretty enough. Yet, if any man tells me I should lose weight or do this and that, I tend to despise him and vow to avoid him.

Maybe because I’m older than 24, and have already experienced bad relationships I don’t want to repeat.

celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

LinkedIn and Twitter, a new way to find love?

The Financial Times ran an article today about the pursuit of love on LinkedIn. Yes, this professional social media is unlikely a mean to find love. But since it’s a social media, replacing real human interactions, it’s a way like another one. Especially because people try to put a picture where they look smart and professional, in other words, at their best.

I’ve been asked out twice through LinkedIn, by guys I don’t even know. One found me after I got interviewed on TV after my book was published. The other one just found me randomly.

I both turned them down, because I just got the impression they were after me just after my looks. I hate that. Yes, I know, it got to start somewhere. But I also need to feel appreciated for what I am.

I’ve been also hit on Twitter. There, the guy kept on sending me direct messages, to the point I got fed up. I felt overwhelmed. And the questions were not interesting.

He also found me randomly.

On Facebook, at the beginning, my profile was public, and I also received this kind of messages. Until I put my profile in private. Since then, no one dares to hit on me. Because they can’t find me.

I find this annoying to be fair. It’s  not very different from dating sites, where usually, I get a lot of compliments on my profile picture, but no one is able to start a decent conversation with me.

Don’t get me wrong. If a guy told me I’m ugly or fat, I won’t try to pursue a conversation with him either.

But if a guy I don’t know just compliment me on my looks, it just reminds me of my years in College, where during parties, there was a guy who tried to get laid with every woman in the room, and used the same pick up lines with everyone. Usually, it worked with the one who was completely wasted. All the other women turned him down, just like I did.

The guy was not very handsome, but was really determined to get what he wanted. As if we were just preys.

I don’t like to feel like a prey. I’m not a prey.

So, have you ever received love messages on unusual social medias like LinkedIn?

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The distance between us

To watch the one you love getting slowly out of love with you is painful. To try to get him back and to get rejected again is also painful.

This is a failure. Most of us experience failures through our live. As Albert Einstein said,  anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.

But with love, failure is sometimes difficult to deal with.

Some of us move on and find somebody else to love. But some of us don’t. According to statistics, very few widows get married again. For divorcees, the statistics rise. But yet, it’s not 100%.

Some of my friends, who got divorced already years ago, have never found another man. One of them has been single for over ten years now, and she has never experienced a serious relationship ever since. She has dated other men, but none of them really stayed into her life.  Another of them is too busy with her small children to think about dating again.

Another one has been desperately trying to get back with her ex. It’s been five years now, and she never gave up. Of course, her ex has moved on and is now the father of a little girl. But my friend still hopes she could come back into his life.

Unfortunately for her, one of our mutual friends, who was also hoping to get back with her ex, got what she wanted, after waiting for almost ten years.  Since she announced to us she was back with him, my other friend has been gaining confidence she could do that too.  I must admit I felt the same way as she after that news.

My friend has met other men. But none of them really interested her.

She didn’t realize our common friend had a strategy to win her ex back. My friend was looking to start her business, and she asked her ex to join her. She didn’t expect him to accept. But he did. Their business is now flourishing. Before, she was struggling between countless jobs she hated, on her own. Before, we used to spend countless nights drinking together to drown our sorrow. But since she started her business, I haven’t seen her that often. And we don’t go drinking together like we used to do. Instead, we just talk about our projects. She’s been my support since I publish my first book and is very proud of me, like I’m very proud of her.

As for my other friend, well, I hope she will learn her lesson.

life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Single at a wedding

Does it suck to be single when you attend a wedding?

It depends. If you barely know the spouses and their family (because the wife or the husband is a coworker for example), it doesn’t matter. Especially if among the people, you’re not the only one who’s single.

But if one of the spouses is your relative, you will inevitably get the “when are you going to get married?” question.

When my sister got married three years ago, my father and my uncles all asked me the same question. At the time, I was severely broken hearted, and two of my friends accepted to accompany me at the wedding for moral support.I remember during the evening  one of my friends who kept on watching me. And from time to time, she asked me if I was OK. You can imagine I didn’t particularly enjoy that day.

Recently, it was my cousin’s turn. I didn’t get the inevitable question this time. My family had other plans. When I look for my seat at the table, I noticed they placed me next to a guy who was one of my cousin’s  best friends. When he finally came to the table, he looked really satisfied at first, as if he knew who would seat next to him. He started to say I was lucky (!). And then, he couldn’t stop talking. At some point, everyone around us left the table because the room was too hot. And he kept on talking. I pretended to have to go the bathroom to cut his conversation. And didn’t get back to my seat until the meals were served.

I was really pissed off. Because I felt people try to set me with the guy, who was not appealing at all, and always talking about himself. He was not even funny. Do I look desperate? Now, I’m a little bit angry at my cousin. Especially since I noticed there were other single people in the room. And not seated next to the bachelor/ bachelorette of the evening.

If I’m single, it’s because I haven’t found the right man. And this man, I want to find him alone. Because I know what I want in a man. And I’m the only one who knows.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 4) the self-destructive dude

Some weeks ago, one of my former coworkers passed away. He was only 38. But his life followed a destructive path. Four years ago, his wife died of a cancer, and six months later, he also lost his father to cancer. The pain was so much for him he started to drink to cope with it. As a result, he wasn’t able to do his job of journalist properly. And he got fired quickly from his two next   jobs, because he was busted drinking in his car during the pause, among other things. The alcohol he drank damaged his liver and he got stricken by cancer.

This tragic event shows some people choose to self-destruct themselves and you can never do anything to change them, unless they want to clean their act.

The self-destructive man, like the passive-aggressive one, has problem to deal with his inner emotions, including his anger. And instead of letting it out like the temper trap, he will turn his anger against himself. The passive-aggressive man will just find a deviant way to show his anger.

Unfortunately, if you fall in love with someone like that, you can only watch him destroying himself, either by alcohol, drugs, … He has suicidal tendencies.

He doesn’t change with time. When you meet him for the first time, you can notice he has something unhealthy about him. He’s not well groomed. And when he doesn’t feel comfortable, he will look for alcohol or anything else that will help him to deal with his inner emotions.

Once, I had a date with a guy I met on dating sites, who seemed absolutely charming when we were chatting online. But when I saw him arriving at the restaurant, I noticed he was a bit clumsy, and to be frank, I wondered what the hell I was doing there. When he sat in front of me, I saw dark circles around his eyes, the grey of his skin, and the yellow at the tip of his fingers. He quickly ordered a whisky, and then a bottle of wine he drank during the whole evening. I left him there, and I never replied to his messages afterwards.

A friend of mine says  you have to be self-destructive as well to stay in a relationship with someone like that. I don’t agree with him, because some women who are not self-destructive will jump into this relationship, as they want to save him.

My former coworker was married to one of them. He met her at a hospital, during a night where she was on duty while he came crashing because he had an accident, under the influence of alcohol and weed. While they were married, he seemed to behave nicely. His marriage changed him. That’s why he came to work in my newsroom.

May he rest in peace now.


broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 3) the passive-aggressive

The passive-aggressive guy can be recognized by his lack of honesty. He’s the one who will never tell you directly what he’s thinking about but will act with you very nicely, and even compliment you, while behind your back, he would say the exact opposite.

He’s also the one who can ignore you and be nice to other people simultaneously.

He’s the one who never do what you ask him to do. He can forget your birthday or to come to an important event for you.

He never takes the blame for himself.

In other words, he’s a two-faced person.

Usually, he will tell you bad things about the people he met. But when he meets them in a situation, he will act really polite and kind with them. People who lie have a tendency to have a high-pitched voice when they talk. It’s just a sign they are not feeling comfortable with you, but try to disguise their discomfort.

I know that because one of my ex’s used to have a high-pitched voice with the people he doesn’t like when we were in public. He would compliment them, even saying he was happy to see them. But his voice betrayed him all of the time.

So this should serve as an indication to know if he really likes you. If his voice tends to reach higher notes, even if he’s not yell at you, this should be a sign he’s faking it.

But some passive-agressive men know how to lie. And they know how to control their voice.

Otherwise, there are signs they are not comfortable with you, like if he’s not able to stare at you for long enough, touches his face while speaking to you,…

But the best way to know if he’s loyal to you is to watch his action. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

He will drive you nuts if you stay too long with him.

broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 2) the temper trap

Unlike the seducer, who’s not mean, the temper trap is really dangerous to you.

He’s the guy who overreacts all of the time to every situation he’s involved. He can shout at the waiter at the restaurant because he’s not served quickly enough. He can be rude to other people while he’s driving his car, especially when a bad driver comes by. He doesn’t like when he’s not right.  He ‘s angry when you don’t reply to his messages or his phone calls immediately. And when you get into an argument with him, he will accuse you of being a bad person, by carefully listing all what you did wrong, and doesn’t hesitate to take examples of the past.

He doesn’t know the word self-control.

He’s paranoid, but deep inside of him, there’s a fragile little kid who wants to defend himself at all costs. He will tell you he had an unhappy childhood because his father was violent. He’s victimizing himself a lot. Yes, he’s a bad kid you want to put in a corner so he can calm down.

He’s not fun to be with.

He can be violent with you as well.

Because of his overreactions, you will end up by fearing him. You will hear a nasty voice inside of your head.  This is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Who fear the one we love?

Unfortunately, this kind of man targets women who aren’t able to neutralize him. It can be a young woman who doesn’t have a long experience with love, but also anyone who falls under his authority. Or a woman who will try to save him.