life, love, relationships, thoughts, women

Single at a wedding

Does it suck to be single when you attend a wedding?

It depends. If you barely know the spouses and their family (because the wife or the husband is a coworker for example), it doesn’t matter. Especially if among the people, you’re not the only one who’s single.

But if one of the spouses is your relative, you will inevitably get the “when are you going to get married?” question.

When my sister got married three years ago, my father and my uncles all asked me the same question. At the time, I was severely broken hearted, and two of my friends accepted to accompany me at the wedding for moral support.I remember during the evening  one of my friends who kept on watching me. And from time to time, she asked me if I was OK. You can imagine I didn’t particularly enjoy that day.

Recently, it was my cousin’s turn. I didn’t get the inevitable question this time. My family had other plans. When I look for my seat at the table, I noticed they placed me next to a guy who was one of my cousin’s  best friends. When he finally came to the table, he looked really satisfied at first, as if he knew who would seat next to him. He started to say I was lucky (!). And then, he couldn’t stop talking. At some point, everyone around us left the table because the room was too hot. And he kept on talking. I pretended to have to go the bathroom to cut his conversation. And didn’t get back to my seat until the meals were served.

I was really pissed off. Because I felt people try to set me with the guy, who was not appealing at all, and always talking about himself. He was not even funny. Do I look desperate? Now, I’m a little bit angry at my cousin. Especially since I noticed there were other single people in the room. And not seated next to the bachelor/ bachelorette of the evening.

If I’m single, it’s because I haven’t found the right man. And this man, I want to find him alone. Because I know what I want in a man. And I’m the only one who knows.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 4) the self-destructive dude

Some weeks ago, one of my former coworkers passed away. He was only 38. But his life followed a destructive path. Four years ago, his wife died of a cancer, and six months later, he also lost his father to cancer. The pain was so much for him he started to drink to cope with it. As a result, he wasn’t able to do his job of journalist properly. And he got fired quickly from his two next   jobs, because he was busted drinking in his car during the pause, among other things. The alcohol he drank damaged his liver and he got stricken by cancer.

This tragic event shows some people choose to self-destruct themselves and you can never do anything to change them, unless they want to clean their act.

The self-destructive man, like the passive-aggressive one, has problem to deal with his inner emotions, including his anger. And instead of letting it out like the temper trap, he will turn his anger against himself. The passive-aggressive man will just find a deviant way to show his anger.

Unfortunately, if you fall in love with someone like that, you can only watch him destroying himself, either by alcohol, drugs, … He has suicidal tendencies.

He doesn’t change with time. When you meet him for the first time, you can notice he has something unhealthy about him. He’s not well groomed. And when he doesn’t feel comfortable, he will look for alcohol or anything else that will help him to deal with his inner emotions.

Once, I had a date with a guy I met on dating sites, who seemed absolutely charming when we were chatting online. But when I saw him arriving at the restaurant, I noticed he was a bit clumsy, and to be frank, I wondered what the hell I was doing there. When he sat in front of me, I saw dark circles around his eyes, the grey of his skin, and the yellow at the tip of his fingers. He quickly ordered a whisky, and then a bottle of wine he drank during the whole evening. I left him there, and I never replied to his messages afterwards.

A friend of mine says  you have to be self-destructive as well to stay in a relationship with someone like that. I don’t agree with him, because some women who are not self-destructive will jump into this relationship, as they want to save him.

My former coworker was married to one of them. He met her at a hospital, during a night where she was on duty while he came crashing because he had an accident, under the influence of alcohol and weed. While they were married, he seemed to behave nicely. His marriage changed him. That’s why he came to work in my newsroom.

May he rest in peace now.

 

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 3) the passive-aggressive

The passive-aggressive guy can be recognized by his lack of honesty. He’s the one who will never tell you directly what he’s thinking about but will act with you very nicely, and even compliment you, while behind your back, he would say the exact opposite.

He’s also the one who can ignore you and be nice to other people simultaneously.

He’s the one who never do what you ask him to do. He can forget your birthday or to come to an important event for you.

He never takes the blame for himself.

In other words, he’s a two-faced person.

Usually, he will tell you bad things about the people he met. But when he meets them in a situation, he will act really polite and kind with them. People who lie have a tendency to have a high-pitched voice when they talk. It’s just a sign they are not feeling comfortable with you, but try to disguise their discomfort.

I know that because one of my ex’s used to have a high-pitched voice with the people he doesn’t like when we were in public. He would compliment them, even saying he was happy to see them. But his voice betrayed him all of the time.

So this should serve as an indication to know if he really likes you. If his voice tends to reach higher notes, even if he’s not yell at you, this should be a sign he’s faking it.

But some passive-agressive men know how to lie. And they know how to control their voice.

Otherwise, there are signs they are not comfortable with you, like if he’s not able to stare at you for long enough, touches his face while speaking to you,…

But the best way to know if he’s loyal to you is to watch his action. Remember that actions speak louder than words.

He will drive you nuts if you stay too long with him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 2) the temper trap

Unlike the seducer, who’s not mean, the temper trap is really dangerous to you.

He’s the guy who overreacts all of the time to every situation he’s involved. He can shout at the waiter at the restaurant because he’s not served quickly enough. He can be rude to other people while he’s driving his car, especially when a bad driver comes by. He doesn’t like when he’s not right.  He ‘s angry when you don’t reply to his messages or his phone calls immediately. And when you get into an argument with him, he will accuse you of being a bad person, by carefully listing all what you did wrong, and doesn’t hesitate to take examples of the past.

He doesn’t know the word self-control.

He’s paranoid, but deep inside of him, there’s a fragile little kid who wants to defend himself at all costs. He will tell you he had an unhappy childhood because his father was violent. He’s victimizing himself a lot. Yes, he’s a bad kid you want to put in a corner so he can calm down.

He’s not fun to be with.

He can be violent with you as well.

Because of his overreactions, you will end up by fearing him. You will hear a nasty voice inside of your head.  This is not the sign of a healthy relationship. Who fear the one we love?

Unfortunately, this kind of man target women who aren’t able to neutralize him. It can be a young woman who doesn’t have a long experience with love, but also anyone who falls under his authority. Or a woman who will try to save him.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The guy you don’t want to date: 1) the seducer

Ha, the seducer. In a party, an event, at work or just among your friends, you will immediately recognize him because he’s the only one who openly flirts with you. Usually, he’s either good-looking enough not to make too many efforts, or he tries to be funny and charming if he doesn’t consider himself handsome.

The problem is he’s not acting like that only with you.

And he has rehearsed his show to many women before you met him. He just knows which pick up lines to use to get what he wants.

He’s the guy who will take good care of himself, because he hates getting old and he constantly needs to comfort himself. So, if he has more beauty products than you, this should be a sign he’s a seducer.

He’s also the one who tries to get the attention. Everything about him screams “Look at me”.

On the good side, he will never say something deceitful to you, at least, at the beginning of your relationship. So you can ask him anything you want, as he wants to please you.

But this guy has a narcissistic crack who pushes him to seduce all of the time. Even if he won’t necessarily cheat on you.

He’s not mean. But trying to have a relationship with him can be exhausting.  As you can feel diminished by staying too long with him, because it’s difficult to be treated like everybody else.  Besides, it’s difficult to cope with his seducing ways with other women. It’s offensive to you when he compliments other women in front of you, or if he even flirts with them. Slowly, you will lose your self-confidence. And if you tell him how you feel, he will try to change, but he will always come back to his way.

So, when you met one of them for the first time, don’t hesitate to question him about his love life, his ex’s,… My ex got divorced two times. His first wife ran away. His second one left him because he had a child out of wedlock. Yet, I was foolish enough not to listen to those warning signs.

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broken heart, celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, women

The woman-child

Our society likes when we look youthful. But when you’re acting as a child, it’s not the case. This is especially the case if you want to be a leader.

Unfortunately, for women, it seems our society pushes us to be a woman-child, aka the woman who doesn’t say much or on the contrary, can’t help saying whatever crosses her mind, relies on men and other people, and takes no responsibility.

TV shows celebrate this kind of woman. Look at Girls, New Girl, Don’t Trust the B…  in Apartment 23, and even Rachel/ Phoebe in Friends,…

Is this because women wait longer to have children compared to our mothers? Because with motherhood, women lose their child-like attitude. At least, it’s the case for most of them. But I have several examples around me where the mother acts as if she was still a teenager, and is like a girlfriend to her daughter(s). It’s different when her kids are boys. Usually, she has to turn into a bossy person just to get authority on them. As a journalist I met recently told me: “I don’t like French women when they have three children. They get bossy”. 

Some women also choose not to have children at all. This trend is also on the rise, in every country, as people ponder about their future and get afraid of the world they would leave to their children. The more educated people, especially women, are, the more they chose not to have children.

But when you’re a woman-child, you face the risk of not being taken seriously. And attract the wrong kind of men.

I know about this, because this is my case. And it becomes a burden for me, as I’m often left aside when my boss  chooses someone to moderate or do a speech for my newspaper.  In general, I attract older men, much older than me, who act really bossy with me.

With time, I get really cautious when I get approached by men I don’t know. All of them fall into the same category: old, narcissistic, seducer, … And if I’m at a party or a cocktail, I try not to stay alone on my side because I know I will attract this kind of individuals. That’s why I carefully choose where I go, to be sure I know at least two or three people there.

And deep inside of me, I hope I won’t turn into the pathetic portrait of Charlize Theron in “Young adult”.

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celibacy, life, love, men, relationships, thoughts, Uncategorized, women

What do you want from me?

What happens when you become the confident of the one you love? Is this the sign you lose all of your powers of desire, or the sign your relationship gets into a deeper bond?

Various studies promote the art of listening. If you’re a good listener, people will trust you. It will also help you to find friends and even the one you love.

Because when you ask questions and listen to the responses, you are in a good position to determine if it’s the right person for you. For instance, recently, I went to a date with a guy who started to rant against mixed couples, as he was talking about his recent trip to Singapore where he met a friend of him who’s dating a local there.

Many people told me their story and feel comfortable doing so with me. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to write this blog ;)

But as one woman I met recently told me, it can be tough to be just the listener. She was the PR of a green energy company, which has been through many changes. She said she acted as the shoulder people could cry on, and as a result, she was very tired of it. “It’s like listening to their problems is eating my energy” she added. “And I feel powerless“.

I do understand her, because I get also the impression people come to me as if I know the answer they don’t know. There’s one person in particular in my life who fit into this category right now.

It bothers me because deep in my heart, I wished he would love me. But I just watch him painfully living his life on his side, seducing other women. I don’t feel desirable, and I do compare every man I meet to him. This is not the right help to find the one.

So yes, the friend zone sucks.

And it’s difficult, even almost impossible, to get out of it.

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