So, I’m leaving for the South of France for two weeks, in a special place I wanted to visit after a very exhausting year, physically and emotionally speaking. If you want me to develop a particular topic or want to tell your personal experience on this blog when I get back, feel free to leave me an email, or leave a comment. And don’t forget, love is not about suffering. Say no to codependency.
And OMG, I can’t believe this movie is already 16 year old.
Summer is about to begin, and with the season, summer flings will come along too. Some of us have experienced this when we were teenagers. It was the parenthesis of our school year, the souvenir we would bring from our vacation. The object of our summer love was a local, or someone who spent his/her holidays in the same resort than us, and most of these relationships were meant to fail. But it can happen that these would pass the summer test. I guess it depends on a lot of factors.
When I ask around me what people hoped from their summer love, some of them tell me that they just go with the flow and just forget themselves during that short period. “It’s like my personality, who I am, is on holiday too. I try not to think about anything, not to worry about anything. And I know that if I find someone during this period, I would just let my emotions guide me, but I don’t attach myself to that relationship. It’s like I’m someone else. It’s magical. But I know it won’t last, because I have to go back to reality” F., 24, said. “Oh, it’s a quick way to win back some self confidence. And I don’t care who I seduce, as long as he’s not mean. I don’t try to make it last two. Usually, if it happens at the end of the holidays, it’s better. I know that I have a few chances to break up because time is running out. So, it leaves me with two or three days where I just enjoy the other’s company. And then, it’s back to normal”M., 25, said.
Some people use the summer to test their power of seduction too. And they will try to score with the most eligible bachelor in the holiday resort, aka the hot waiter, lifesaver, or local playboy. But they will have competition. Sometimes, a lot of it. When the hottie yields to your advance, you feel empowered. But if you’re not, the pill can be difficult to swallow. This kind of relationship is meant to fail.
The relationship that can pass the summer test is based on a mutual recognition. I believe you can meet your significant other during the summer, during your holiday. If you realize you have a lot of common points, you are both available, attracted to each other, it can work. But we hardly act like ourselves during our holidays, so this can be pretty difficult.
So, do you think a summer fling can last?
Among the people we will meet throughout our life, there are some who will stay with us on the short run, and some on the long run. True friends and family stay on the long run, acquaintances and lovers stay on the short run. But what if we decide to change that course of life? Recently, I talked with one of my coworkers, who told me she married her husband while they both knew from the beginning he won’t be at her side much of the time. His job sends him everywhere and he’s never there. She complains about this all of the time. It’s been five years they are married, and frankly, I’m not sure this union will last if things remain like that. She knew he won’t be available for her, she also knew he was just passing by in her life, but yet, she decided to make everything possible to change destiny. And I wonder if it’s worth it.
When I was 18, I was in love with one of my friends, but we were both at the crossroad of our life, and we weren’t sure if we would stay in the same city where we have grown together. Our path was unclear. And, call it feminin intuition, I knew we would lose each other and take our distance. I feared that moment, and because I was afraid to lose him, I just hold onto him and didn’t want him to leave me. Our relationship was a true catastrophe. I was very hurt at the end of the relationship. And I was mad at myself to think I could have changed the course of our life. We were meant to be separated, I didn’t understand that.
Destiny is a powerful force our desire can never overcome. But yet, we cannot let our life decide instead of us. This is how we can miss our life.
So, do you think we can change the course of our life?
I’ve got a bad desire
I was reading recently a magazine where it said that it’s important to masturbate to have a blooming sexual life. This left me a little bit puzzled, since I know around me plenty of women who don’t masturbate a lot, even not at all, and yet feel fully satisfied with their sexual life (and they said that very honestly). I do belong to this category too. The article said it was important to see yourself in an erotic scene, and that masturbation was a good way to reach that state. I’m not sure. Maybe if you’re a very liberal person, masturbation is the cherry on top of your cake. But when you’re not, how do you reach a satisfying sexual life? The answer is simple: either you don’t have one, either you just rely on your partner to feel desirable.
“Well, I have a really satisfying sexual life, but I don’t touch myself, and I don’t use any sextoy either. Does it make me a terrible lover? I don’t think so. I think it’s BS. What’s important to me is to feel my man’s desire” R., 34, said.
“My man has helped me to feel desirable. He knows how to touch me. He just showed me how to discover my pleasure. But I must say I prefer coming with him than without him”E., 35, said.
“I’m a very cerebral person. My sexual life is also based on that. I need to feel intellectually stimulate to reach an orgasm. Masturbation isn’t a thing for me. But to hear him saying some special words, to see him in some particular circumstances, in particular scenarios, where he can surprise me, that is really turning me on” L., 34, said.
“I need to see myself in his eyes to feel desirable. This is my way” H, 30, said.
So, do you think masturbation is important for your sex life?
Everytime I think of you, I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue…
How far can we go to seduce the one we fancy? I was reading this morning in a magazine the story of a woman who fell in love with her father’s best friend when she was 12. She decided at that time to turn into the woman he would love, which mean embracing his interests. He was into archeology. She turned into an archeologist. He liked women’s body. She took dance lessons to shape her body. Yet, it took her 20 years to reach her goal. Before, she had several lovers, but none of them could challenge her father’s friend. Decisions like that can be good because she managed to have her own life before getting him. She managed to adjust her desire with her personal path, and find an equilibrium. But it’s not always the case.
Some people change completely their whole personality to seduce the one they love. But this is we can really lose ourselves. We all have our own tastes, own ideas, own personality. It’s important to stick to those. Yet, when we fall in love, we accept to lose ourselves in the relationship. In the first months of a relationship, none of us is really ourselves because we feel only love. But as time goes by, reality comes back into the equation, and this is where the lovers have to discover each other, and learn to live with each other. Here, tensions can appear, because we’re different. But some people feel the need to mimick their partners because they are afraid to lose them. I knew a girl when I was in High school who turned into a punk when she dated a punk, posh when she dated a wealthy guy, tomboy when she dated a guy who hated the too feminin girls in the school, … The list was never ending. I just hope now she’s not following the same path in her love life.
Yet, it’s true that we all change a bit when we fall in love. Recently, one of my friends who used to be shy and introverted in public has changed because she fell in love with someone. He didn’t ask her to change, but she told me she felt she needed to change. “It’s like he’s helping me silently to discover myself a little bit more. I feel encouraged by him to do so. He didn’t ask me to do so” she said. She added that she wanted to change, before she met him. He just gave the courage to do so.
The key is to find an equilibrium.
So, what sacrifice would you accept to make if you’re in love?
We all want things we know we can never have. When we were kids, we had tons of desire our parents were (fortunately) unable to fulfill, like for instance a pony or tons of candies all of the time. Of course, some of us had that chance when they were kids, but is this making us more happy? I’m not sure. The more we have, the less we’re able to appreciate what we have. As we grow old, we don’t take our distance with that logic. In fact, we will still long for things we can’t have and get bored easily with what we have. In love, it’s the same. We will long for people that are still strangers to us, while sometimes, the person we share a relationship will bore us to the maximum. I guess it’s a question of keeping the flame of love alive.
But what if we want someone we know we can never have? The first solution is to make yourself a reason and move on. The second is to try to have him/her at any cost. But is this worth the sacrifice? Recently, one of my friends admitted she has fallen in love with a man she knows she could never have. She’s married, he’s married. They don’t come from the same social background at all. They don’t have a lot of common points. He’s much more older than her. And she will have to sacrifice her career if she ever wants to be with him. On top of that (and that’s the key point), he’s not into her at all. So, all in all, this makes a long list of hurdles. And the question is: is it really worth it longing for a guy who will never ever be hers? Here, it depends on our charachter. If we were spoiled as a kid, chances are we will do anything to reach our goal, with the consequences it would bring. But if we weren’t, chances are we will give up after some time. Every feeling needs a solid ground to blossom. If not, it will die by itself. We can’t be delusional for a long time. Reality will always remind us of its existence.
The best way to illustrate this is when you fall in love with a star. For example, George Clooney. Unless you’re a hot young waitress working in Hollywood (and you will have competition), you know (like most of us) you will never have the chance to date him. I know that I will never have MJK 
The reasons are: he’s married, he’s a star, he’s much older than me, and on top of that, he doesn’t have a clue about my existence.
Some people are way out of our league. That’s just the way it is.
So, who do you fancy (and you know you will never have)?
I’ve always wondered the fascination we can have for people who shine on stage. When I was a little rat of the opera, I remember the lead dancer who was hit by grace and really shine through her performance. After the show, when she got back to her room, she was waited for with tons of flowers coming from admirers everywhere. I really do believe that people who are able to shine like that are much more lucky in love. Their ability to shine makes them unique, hence desirable. When we fall in love, we fall in love with one person we think unique, wonderful, heaven sent. So, when you’re a star, a politician, an economist, even a simple teacher, you have a better chance to make someone fall in love with you. The key is to be the star in your world. You don’t have necessarily to be Scarlett Johansson to have men crawling at your feet. You don’t have to be George Clooney either.
One of my coworkers told me he fell in love with his wife when he saw her the first time on the stage of an opera. She was the lead soprano, and he said that he knew she was the one straight away just by looking at her. In her case, it was easy to shine, to be a star. But how can we be a star in our own life?
I guess it depends on several factors. The first one is beauty. When you look like this, you have a better chance to have people crawling at your feet.
The second factor is personality. If you’re a person great to spend some time with, you will have a better chance to qualify as eligible. But you can be funny, yet repelling, if you only think about yourself.
The third one is your particular talent. One of my friends seduced her man with her writings. He was a fan of her for many years. And she has a lot of fans.
But don’t forget, we’re always special to someone. The key is to find that someone.
So, what is your talent?
In every couple, there’s someone who dominates the other. But it’s not necessarily the one who seems to dominate the other. An example? One couple I know used to have Mister taking all the decision where Madam was just standing behind him, and agreed to everything he wanted. We all thought he was the one who dominated the couple, and would be the first to leave the couple, but it turned out differently. After seven years spent togetheter, the woman decided to leave because she had enough of his controlling ways, and he was the one who was devastated by the breakup.
Another ex-couple I knew was also based on the same dynamic, except the woman was very active outside their marriage. She was the one in charge of various charity activities and did her job very professionally. But when she was at home with her husband, she would let him take all the decisions. One of my coworkers, who is an excellent journalist, told me that she doesn’t do anything at home because her husband takes charge of everything. “It’s not that I’m spineless or something like that, but after a long day at work, where I have to take a lot of decisions, it’s good to say that I don’t have to think about this and that at home, so I leave him the decisions. That doesn’t mean I agree to everything. I have something to say about the holidays we take, the furnitures we have to buy, the washing machine to replace,…” she said. In this case, we would ask who dominates the other. The line isn’t clear anymore. Especially nowadays, where women have won their independence.
Some women will therefore dominate their significant other. A former colleague of mine asked her husband to marry her, she didn’t wait for his proposal. She takes every decision in her couple, and her husband just obeys her all of the time. She’s like a mother to him. He’s the third kid in the house.
But some women will choose to let their partner take all the decisions, because it’s convenient for them. Some other will choose to split the decisions 50-50. There’s no bad combination, it just depends on our personality. If you’re bossy, you will never accept to yield to your partner. But that’s not sure. Remember that when we fall in love, we accept to release all our brakes. Loving someone is also trusting him enough to give up yourself.
Besides, every dominant personality needs a victim to feed his domination, and this relationship creates a dependence between the two.
So, are you the one who dominates in your couple?
Recently, Katy Perry said this:
“I’ll probably end up with someone who’s a bit older and a few steps ahead of me – I want someone I can learn from”
I also read in a stupid male magazine that men should offer challenge to women, because they like it and they want someone they can learn from. Do they? I’m not sure. As I am in a constant battle with one of my professional contacts who basically thinks he knows it all and feels obliged to give me some lessons about this and that, although his lessons aren’t accurate. An example? Recently, I called him to have some informations about the latest developments in his company, and he had to tell me: “you know, J., that in the US, they have a rule against short selling, and blabla,…” and then hung up. It was just too bad that the Securities and Exchange Commission removed the so-called uptick rule in 2007… I just thought to myself: geez, what a douche.
So, maybe a man I can learn from, but certainly not a mister-know-it-all. I ask around me if they want someone they can learn from, and this is what I got:
“Oh, it depends. I would accept a man I can learn from, if he can learn from me too. I think this got to be mutual” U., 32, said (and I agree 100% with her!)
“Why not? I don’t know everything in life. I find it great to have a support from a man, to know that he might have the answers to some of my problems” L., 34, said.
“I always look for advices, so, a man I can learn from can be a great match for me”X., 31, said.
It’s not because he’s older than you that you can necessarily learn from him. Don’t forget that some men can be immature. You thought you landed a full-grown man, and the next thing you know is he’s just a cry baby who can’t take it like a man. “B. was 10 years older than me, and was the CEO of a well known company. Yet, whenever he had to defend his opinion in a debate, he would stutter and tried his possible to avoid the confrontation. He also can’t take any criticism, without coming next to me and complains about it like a crybaby. I found it really boring. I had the impression to take the lead in the relationship all of the time, and I didn’t feel comfortable at all with that”K., 34,said.
So, do you want a man you can learn from?
… There are no second chances
When we fall in love, whether we’re conscious of it or not, we put our lover/ object of affection to the test. This is important for the fate of the relationship. If our lover failed these tests, we might take the conclusion that he/she’s not good for us and call it quits. But with our emotional past, we tend to be more cautious when we fall in love, and we multiply the tests for our lover. One of the most common ones is our expectations about how he/she will react. One of my friends told me she wished her ex was more kind with her, and that he never acted with her the way she expected. This represented for her a source of fights, and lead her to a break up.
Of course, choosing a partner who has many common points with us can ease our task. But if he/she doesn’t reciprocate our love, this is just useless. Some people might also fail the tests, yet, for a reason, we hang on this relationship, a one-sided relationship.
The tests can be really hard to succeed, if it brings to a dilemma. For example, if we fall in love with someone who lives abroad, we will ask her/ him to make a move near us. She/he can also ask us to move to her/his country. This is a big sacrifice. We might also ask our lover to leave his/her partner if he/she’s already involved in a relationship or married.
A really obvious test is fidelity. When we fall in love, we expect our partner to be faithful. If he/she can’t be faithful, most of us will see in this the point of no return in a relationship.
Then, there are the more subtle tests. And here, it really depends on our personal values. For some people, the family gauntlet is one experience to pass, otherwise, it will never do. But for some other, especially if you don’ t talk to your family anymore, this detail isn’t so important. Likewise, we would expect our lover to pass the ‘friends” test. But if we don’t have any friend, this isn’t important. We would also test our lover to see if he/she shares the same values than us. But here, it depends on our tolerance. For instance, if you’re vegetarian, you can ask your partner to be vegetarian, but yet, some veggies don’t care dating a meat eater.
But testing your lover is important. This is how you can avoid getting really hurt in a relationship, even if love hurts, when you’re really in love.
So, do you test your partner?
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